


Nirvana

by TrespassMyAss



Series: Nirvana [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, High School, M/M, Male Slash, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Physical Abuse, Romance, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-19
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-10 07:02:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 55
Words: 123,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrespassMyAss/pseuds/TrespassMyAss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam's a man with a disturbing past, dark secrets, and forgotten dreams. Sauli's come to the U.S. looking to start fresh when he meets this strange, cold man. Adam wants nothing to do with him or anybody, but Sauli's determined to break him open. And what he finds out could ruin them both...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Is This My Life? Is This it?

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is the first chapter. Each chapter will alternate in POV. Let me know if I should continue this :D I'll also post my stories on Fanfiction.net by the same name. Reviews are MOST welcome!!

 

Adam:

 

I stalked my way through the main hallway, sticking close to the lockers, and never looking up. I was like this dark aura in a crowd of joyous souls. Students passed me, laughing and chatting away about their petty lives. I felt completely out of place. Being around this many people always made me uncomfortable. Too bad I had to do this almost every day. No one even threw me a glance. But it always felt like everyone was staring. They had no idea what anyone right next to them might be going through, nor would they actually give a shit. I could have had a heart attack right then and no one would even notice. 

 They were all the same: selfish, greedy teenagers with a passion for excitement and ignorance. To them, I was the freak. No one ever tried to make conversation with someone like me. If anyone did speak to me, it was always to harass. I was intimidating to them, just because I was different. I was rather tall, standing at a height of six foot one, which made me tower over most of them and repel them off even more. But what really made them uncomfortable around me was the slight black liner smeared around my eyes. It’s not even like I wore a lot of eyeliner, it was because in this society, men wearing makeup was considered ridiculous. My dishevelled ebony hair did a fine job of covering my eyes when I stared at the ground. I didn’t have much of a wardrobe; I usually only wore jeans, a t-shirt, a pair of black boots, and a long, black trench coat to top it all off.

 I was perfectly fine with having no friends or anyone to talk to; no one would understand. It sounded cliché, but it was the utmost truth when it came to me. Their fake smiles and friendships sickened me. I saw the lies behind their expressions. I saw how behind their mask of comradeship, was a plot to take down their own friends just to gain a higher social status. Why would I waste my time with people like that? It was disgusting. I had lost faith in humanity a long time ago.

 In a way, I guess I was almost jealous of their easy lives. They all had it going for them. Even though they all struggled with things, I doubted any of them had it worse than me. I was trapped in a nightmare. The shooting aches in my sides only proved that. Every step I took left me winded. Sharp, stabbing pains all over my body made it a difficult voyage to even walk. But I couldn’t tell any of them about my predicament, because it would only make it that much worse for me. I was trapped in silent agony, with no way out.

At least school was a lot safer than that Hell I was forced to call home where I was beaten to a pulp on a near daily basis. My father just so happened to be a professional wrestler a long time ago. Now he’s just a drunk with a lot of muscle to abuse. He had no compassion, let’s just say that. 

 Sure, I could move out. I was eighteen after all. But where the hell would I go? My closest relatives lived in Los Angeles, and there was no way I could ever make it there, though it was the one place I once wanted to reach to pursue my forgotten dream of becoming a singer. That would never happen with the circumstances I had to live with. So relatives were scratched off the list. I could move into a friend’s house… if I had any. Unless I wanted to die in those merciless streets, I was stuck with an equally horrible fate.

 I was already panting by the time I got to class; the pain from my beatings was too much sometimes. It was hard to try to hide it from the world, because my body was begging for help, but my mind was refusing. I bit my lip to keep from wincing at a sudden knot in my thigh as I stepped through the doorway of my last period class. The second I limped in, my English teacher, Mr. Davidson, and the rest of the class turned to gawk at me. I was late. Shit. |It felt like they were all staring at me with amused expressions on their faces, but that was probably my paranoia at work. I wanted to turn on my heel and walk straight out of the classroom. I hated the attention. I just couldn’t stand people.

 “Mr. Lambert, you’re late again. That’s the twentieth time this month,” Mr. Davidson growled, clearly furious. 

 My head turned slightly to look up at him with a blank expression on my face. Like I gave a fuck what he thought, not like he knew I couldn’t walk any faster without crying out in pain. 

 He glared at my face, “Detention after school. Don’t be late for that. Now sit down.” 

 I said nothing, and did as he asked, trying my best to ignore the multiple heads turned in my direction. Detention wasn’t the worse thing in the world. Detention just meant that I had a real excuse to go home later than normal, and I would take that any day. I brushed past Mr. Davidson and headed to the back of the class, looking up once for my usual seat. That’s when I noticed someone sitting there. In my seat. What the fuck? Who the hell was that kid? I’d never seen him before. I was halfway to the desk before he looked up at me with a casual glance and I stopped dead in my tracks, glaring at him like he just murdered a baby. Who-ever-the-fuck-he-was, shrunk back a little, surprised by my appearance and probably the death glare I was shooting at him.

 “Mr. Lambert? Today?” I heard Mr. Davidson say impatiently from the front of the class. Well, I guess I couldn’t do anything about it with that ass-wipe teacher in the room.

 I scoffed quietly in annoyance and plopped down onto the only empty seat which happened to be next to the new kid. Great. I sighed with relief, my muscles feeling instant release from the stress I’d been inflicting on their damaged tissues. My body throbbed with aches.

 Class droned on and on. I didn’t even pay any attention. I just opened my notebook and started writing down lyrics to one of the songs I was writing. My marks weren’t something to be proud of. It’s not that I was stupid, far from it actually. I just had no motivation to do any of the work, and sometimes, I just physically couldn’t. My mind was always too cluttered with my own disturbing thoughts to focus on schoolwork. What was the point anyway, for me at least? These people all needed a proper education; they were all going somewhere with their lives. But I’d probably be dead in a few years or less anyway. It’s not like my body could handle the abuse forever. My mind couldn’t take much more of it either, and I might even crack one day from having all the pain buried deep inside, thus killing myself to be freed. 

 I glanced over at that new kid in my seat, disliking him immediately. Yes, that seat actually did have my name on it, courtesy of the pocket knife I carried. That kid had blond hair with various faint highlights and lowlights styled up, with the sides of his hair shorter than the rest of it. His face, from the angle I could see, was very attractive. 

 Oh, that was another thing. The main reason I was tortured at home was because I’m gay. Yeah, that’s right. Only my father knew, which that was a mistake all in itself, and no one else needed to know. I didn’t think I could handle being beaten to a pulp everywhere I went for being a faggot. Another reason why I hate living in San Diego was because most people were so intolerant of something I couldn’t even control. Most people here thought that being gay was a choice. Ha, yeah right, like I chose to be beaten up on a daily basis, like I chose to be hated by society. Trust me, if I could change it, I would. But there is no point in denying your orientation.

 I then noticed his clothes. The blond was wearing a pair of brand name jeans, a button up, maroon, cotton shirt, and expensive looking sneakers. Of course he was probably rich. His parents probably had great jobs with great income. A torturous day for this kid would be if his parents denied him the Porsche he really wanted. I felt my dislike for him growing even more potent. He would without a doubt end up with the hotshot people of this school and sucked into their greedy little fantasy that completely blocked out the bigger picture.


	2. A Fresh Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **If you want me to continue this, let me know so I can figure out when to post the next chapters** I thought it would be appropriate to upload Sauli's first POV :) REVIEWS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED. THANKS <3

Sauli:

“You’re going to love this school, Sauli.” My mother said cheerfully from the driver’s seat as we drove down the street. Her big eyes flickered over to look at me, and I rolled mine playfully at her from the leather passenger seat. When it came to school, my mother was obsessed. She always made sure I had the best supplies and kept my work neat. My marks were the most important thing to her. It was understandable considering both she and my father were both educated business people. I thought it was a difficult thing to live up to, but she was sure I could manage. They expected great things from me, but I wasn’t always sure that their path was the right one for me.

She pulled up to the curb next to the school and the car inched to a full stop. I looked out of the tinted window on my right. I gazed upon the school and smiled to myself. It really was a grand lot. It was well designed, and almost regal looking. A proud flagpole was nestled in the lush green grass surrounding the entire campus. I turned to kiss my mother on her rosy cheek and said my farewell as I hopped out of the Porsche. I waved at her as she drove away, and stared after her brunette head until it disappeared around the corner. I sighed, ready to start this new journey. 

I strolled up to the entrance of the school, and quickly glanced around at my peers, immediately noticing all the different cliques similar to the ones back home. I felt almost overjoyed to be here. I used to live in Finland, but I moved here because of a very generously paying job offer for my parents. I didn’t mind moving, there was nothing in Finland I was really attached to. The only person I actually missed was my girlfriend, Raya, but because of the circumstances, we had to break up. Long distance relationships were pointless to me. My family’s English was quite fantastic to be honest. I went to an English-immersion school growing up, so it was second nature to me. I really only spoke English at home, especially since we lived in the United States now.

I stepped into the school, welcomed by air-conditioning, and already felt lost within the monstrosity of the main hallway. The hustle and bustle of the student body was everywhere. A loud hum filled my ears as multiple conversations engorged the air. I welcomed the feeling of such a social environment.

I pulled out my information pack, and quickly skimmed through my timetable. My first class was Mathematics. Now where the heck was that? I took a look at the map on the next page and groaned. Oh, it was only on the other side of the school. Yay. I made my way through the tangled mess of hallways. People did notice me. As they walked by, their eyes landed on someone not so familiar. New kid is always the new toy. I made casual eye contact with almost everybody and smiled to as many as I could.

The day went by pretty smoothly; I was already accustomed to my classes, and they seemed easy enough. Then it was finally time for my last class of the day: English. I finally entered the class after walking across the entire length of the school again. It was quite the workout. 

I was greeted by the teacher, whose name was apparently Mr. Davidson. He was a stout, balding man, with years of wear visible on his face. Surprisingly, I was early to class, especially since it took me so long to get here. Only a few other kids were already in their seats. Class wouldn’t start for a little while longer. I sat in some random desk in the back and just relaxed, already exhausted from the busy day. I looked down at my hands which were resting folded on the desktop and noticed words and symbols etched into the desk. I moved my hands out of the way and read what was scratched into the wood. The largest legible word I could actually read said, “Adam”.  Who the hell was that? I bet it was the name of some hot jock a mousy girl was crushing on.

Students shuffled in, taking their seats as the bell rang. “Class, we have a new student. This is Sauli Koskinen,” Mr. Davidson made a gesture toward me. “Treat him like any other student.” I mentally grimaced at his pronunciation of my name. It’s not fucking “Sully”. All the teachers butchered my name today. I just didn’t have the heart to correct them. Everyone turned to stare at me. 

I quickly waved to the class and they all turned away, already accepting and dismissing the new kid. One girl in the front was still looking at me. She had glossy blond hair tied up in a ponytail, and she was wearing white shorts with black flats and a red tank top. I smiled slightly at her and her seemingly hazel eyes lit up. She grinned and turned to face the front. 

Mr. Davidson started his lesson, talking about proper essay writing format. I stared at my desk again, looking at all the random etchings on it; curious about what they could all mean. Suddenly, Mr. Davidson cut off in the middle of his sentence and went quiet. I looked up to see what had happened.

Standing in the doorway was an intimidating and tall figure. I assumed he was another student, though he could have passed for the son of the Grim Reaper. 

“Mr. Lambert, you’re late again,” Mr. Davidson grumbled angrily. “That’s the twentieth time this month. Detention after school. Don’t be late for that. Now sit down.” 

Twenty times? Wow kid, seriously? 

“Mr. Lambert” as I heard, started making his way toward me, looking down. He had sleek black hair that stuck out at random angles and was earlobe length. He was wearing a fucking trench coat. He also had on a pair of black jeans and black boots. Boots? Coat? In this weather? But other than his strange choice of seasonal clothing, his outfit wasn’t overly rebellious and crazy. I looked down for a second, and then glanced back up at him. Regrettable decision.

He looked up at me and froze, seemingly shocked first, but that quickly turned into an expression from hell. I shrank back into my desk. What the hell was that all about? I doubted that was the look he gave every stranger. What did I do wrong? 

Mr. Davidson yelled at him again, and the student scoffed and dropped lazily into the seat next to mine. I couldn’t help my curiosity, and my eyes flickered toward him and back to the front. Was he wearing eyeliner? I never saw a guy wear that in Finland. Class went by slowly, and I could feel the student’s hard gaze on me. It was creeping me out. I fought the urge to look at him until the feeling that I was being watched went away. My eyes flickered there and back again. He was drumming his fingers on the desk impatiently, or was he annoyed? Wait, was he wearing black nail polish too? What a strange kid.

I heard a muffled, metallic noise coming from next to me, and I turned to see the student gripping a large pocket knife in his hand on his lap, and glaring at me. Reflexively, I jumped up from my chair to my feet and yelled out in shock, before realizing what I did. I looked around sheepishly to stupidly check if anyone noticed. Of course, all eyes were on me again, but this time with confused and surprised expressions. Even the ebony-haired student with knife was staring at me, although his face held an annoyed and amused expression.

“Mr. Koskinen.”

My head whipped around to look at Mr. Davidson. 

His voice was firm, “You may be new here, but you don’t get special treatment. People who interrupt my lesson simply get detention. After school, you’ll be joining Mr. Lambert. Be there.” 

I nodded in shame and slowly sank back into my chair. My heart was racing in my chest from the embarrassment. I refused to look at the kid again. I should have told him off for carrying a knife to class, but something told me that wouldn’t end well for me. 

After a perfect day, I managed to get detention on my first day of school. Great.


	3. Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to mention: Neil, and Sauli's siblings don't exist in this story. I love Neil, but I just didn't have a place for him x) REVIEWS ARE LOVED AND CHERISHED.

Adam:

This class felt absolutely endless. I was bored out of my mind. I managed to finish the lyrics I had been working on and now I had nothing to do. My only other entertainment was observing the movements of the other students in the class. I recognized all of them, but I just couldn’t place a name to every face. It wasn’t at all shocking to realize I didn’t know most of their names. Even though I had grown up with these people, I never made an effort to get to know them.

All of these faces were too familiar, and all of their movement were routine. They just weren’t interesting. The only other option was that new kid warming up my seat with his ass. I stared at him a few times, and hated his blatant peppiness. He was oddly fixated to the front of the class, almost like he was trying to make sure he didn’t miss any of what Mr. Davidson was saying.

It wasn’t long before I grew bored of the new kid too. I sat there and contemplated how to pass time and entertain myself. Then I remembered that I had my pocket knife with me. I had found it on the street a couple years ago, and since then I never left the house without it. I guess it was time to decorate another desk. I reached into my trench pocket and gripped the cool metal. I pulled out the knife and opened it up, keeping it low so Mr. Davidson couldn’t see, not that he cared anyway. I scraped the closest edge of the wooden desk once with the knife, and then the new kid shifted obnoxiously in my seat. I looked up and glared at him.

The new kid turned slightly, and caught me glaring at him. His eyes widened immediately and he literally jumped out of his seat and yelled out something incoherent in surprise like a frog tossed into boiling water.

Like robots, everyone turned to see what the problem was at the exact same time. Creepy. The new kid stood there awkwardly in the silence, realizing the attention was on him. He looked around and his eyes landed on me.

Did he seriously just spaz out because I was holding a pocket knife? Are you fucking kidding me? I wasn’t going to stab the kid. Although now I was considering it. I quickly tucked the knife away before anyone else could notice. If he knew what was good for him, he would keep quiet. And he did, to my relief.

“Mr. Koskinen,” Mr. Davidson said harshly. What kind of freaky foreign name was that? The new kid’s head whipped back to the front. “You may be new here, but you don’t get special treatment. People who interrupt my lesson simply get detention. After school, you’ll be joining Mr. Lambert. Be there.”

I bit my lip, fighting the urge to protest. I really didn’t want to be stuck in detention with this kid. He hadn’t said one word to me and I already couldn’t stand his presence.

The blond nodded quickly and sat down. His head was hung and he was slouching in his chair, clearly ashamed of himself. I rolled my eyes just as class ended.

I swiftly got up and exited the classroom. I made my way down the ridiculously crowded hall to my locker, trying so hard to hide any signs of pain, but being paranoid the whole time thinking everyone noticed. I smoothly turned my lock and opened my locker. It was neat and organized, because that’s just how I liked things. I reached in and grabbed my messenger bag full of crap and pulled it out.

That’s when I heard the locker—that had been empty all year long—next to mine open. I peeked over only to catch sight of that new kid, and then turned back to scowl at the contents in my own locker.

You had to be fucking kidding me.

He was everywhere. Ugh. I’d never had a locker neighbor, and I didn’t want one now, especially not this kid.

“Hey, um,” I heard a quiet voice say. I was not in the mood for this. What the hell did he want? I slammed my locker shut and turned to face the blond head on for the first time. The annoyance was probably clear on my face. I was satisfied to see that I towered over him in height. “Do you know where the detention room is?”

His voice was lower than I expected, but light and it seemed to float. I looked him up and down, and flung my bag over my shoulder, mentally wincing at my own roughness against my bruised shoulder. He stood a good meter away from me, good, probably because of that whole knife thing. Talk about a good first impression. I didn’t think I could even manage one.  The blond looked kind of nervous, but determined.

My eyes narrowed a little at him. “Of course I do,” I snapped, speaking to him for the first time. He flinched. Perhaps my tone was a bit harsher than I’d intended. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down a little. I was angry and didn’t really know why. This blond’s only crime was sitting in my seat, so why was I so pissed off at him?

I continued a little gentler, “Just follow me.” His fucking face lit up. What an annoying kid. I was going to regret this, I just knew it.

I turned fast on my heel and walked faster than normal, ignoring the protests from my bruised legs. I hoped he couldn’t keep up. He ran to catch up to me and my long limbs, and nearly had to jog to keep pace. I stared straight ahead and kept my thoughts to myself, trying to ignore his company as best as I could. I looked up to see where I was headed and regretted it immediately. Some people were actually staring curiously at the two of us, probably wondering why this preppy-looking new kid was strolling along casually next to someone like me. I stared at the ground in front of me with a sneer.

Then the worst possible thing happened. The blond opened his mouth, and then he wouldn’t shut the hell up.


	4. Oh My God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and Adam doesn't have naturally ginger hair. ~~~Warning, chapter five will be violent. REVIEWS ARE MY DINNER.

Sauli:

After class, I made sure I apologized to Mr. Davidson before leaving. I headed over to my locker, which I had already memorized the location of, and stopped when I was a few feet away. I noticed for the first time that my locker neighbor was the guy with the knife. How lovely. Okay. Just get your shit and leave. Pretend he’s not even there. It’ll be fine.

I gulped and went to my locker, swiftly opening it up and collecting my things. Shit, I had detention. Nothing on the map said anything about a detention room. Now what? I peered over at my locker neighbor. I could ask him. Why not? Not like he was going to eat me. He didn’t seem to like me at all, but how could that be? I’d never even talked to the guy. I argued with myself inside my head for a few seconds, trying to build up the courage to say something. Oh my God, just do it.

“Hey, um,” I said quietly. Fuck. How lame did that sound?

I jumped when he slammed his locker and turned to look at me with a hint of hostility on his face. His presence was so damn intimidating with his height and all. I was about five foot eight, and he was staring me down. I cleared my throat, ignoring the look in his eyes, “Do you know where the detention room is?”

His eyes roamed my body, raking me head to toe. I shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably. Maybe he _was_ going to eat me. Why the fuck did I ask _him_? Well, it was too late now.

His eyes narrowed into slits, “Of course I do.” I flinched. I actually flinched. Was I actually afraid of this guy? He hadn’t actually done anything wrong… except you know; stare at me with a knife in his hands. Get a grip, Sauli.

To my relief, his face relaxed ever so slightly and he sighed, “Just follow me.” His voice surprised me. I was expecting a rough, grainy voice, but instead, his voice was smooth and velvety.

I smiled; he had said it a lot nicer, still harsh, but nicer. See, Sauli? Maybe he  _wasn't_  going to try to kill and then eat you…

He turned in the blink of an eye and started walking away with his hands shoved in his pockets. I had to run to catch up to him, and then fast-walked by his side. I looked up at him in confusion. Is this how fast he always walked? His arms were tense, and I kept a close eye on his hands in his pockets. He could be ready to whip the knife out at any moment. I was probably over-reacting, but then again, he seemed unpredictable.

“So um, my name is Sauli Koskinen. I just moved here from Finland. What’s your name?” Oh my God, I sounded like a five year old meeting a new friend. Get it together, man!

He didn’t even look at me when he answered in his cold, smooth voice, “Adam.”

“Adam? Adam…” I repeated, testing its flow out of my mouth. “That’s a cool name,” I saw him roll his eyes. I ignored that. “Your last name is Lambert right? I heard Mr. Davidson say it.”

He said nothing.

“So, when I moved here, I had no idea how great this country would be, I mean like, Finland was great and all, but—”

I was cut off as Adam turned impossibly fast and blocked my path. I stopped in my tracks before I smacked his chest with my face.

He raised a hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut in frustration. “Just…” He bit out, “I don’t _care."_

 __“But—”

His eyes snapped open and he cut me off again, “And for your own good, I suggest you don’t sit in my desk again.” He said, colder than ever. He turned and breezed into what I assumed was the detention room.

I stood there, stunned. I didn’t even know what to think of him. After a minute of frozen confusion, I stepped into the room and sat as far away from Adam as possible.


	5. A Red River Of Screams?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING ~~This is a bit graphic~~  
> This chapter may or may not be depressing.  
> Glad to know I have readers, your comments make me smile like :DDDDDDD Reviews are my fuel!

Adam:

Detention went by quietly, but quickly. We all just had to sit there with our mouths shut for an hour. I could feel myself getting more nervous as the clock ticked by too fast. I was relishing the silence and calm, but I knew soon it would be the opposite. By the time the supervisor said we could go home, I felt sick to my stomach. I got up and left without a word to the new kid. I had already forgotten his name. I was dreading having to go home. I was not ready for another beating, but I couldn’t avoid it anymore; the longer I stayed out, the longer the punishment would be.

It was a twenty minute walk from the school to my stupid house. Imagine having to walk that distance when every movement left you in pain. Every step I took was followed by a wince. Now that I was away from school, I didn’t have to try to hide the pain. I whimpered and cussed as much as I wanted to. Time passed and I could see my street. My stomach dropped just at the sight. My house was old and damaged. The grass was dead, and the old blue paint was peeling. It was missing shingles, and the backyard’s gate had been ripped out. How beautiful.

I limped up my porch and rested my hand on the doorknob, breathing deeply. Alright, I could do this. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. I would survive, I always did, but sometimes I wished I wouldn’t.

I opened the door and stepped nervously inside the house, barely having any time at all to close the door before a beer bottle flew right by my head and smashed against the door behind me, inches from where I had been a second ago, and shattered into flying pieces. A few shards managed to graze my cheek. I bit my lip, feeling little trickles of blood run down my face.

“You’re late!” barked Eber, my father. He was a large, bulky man, a couple inches taller than me. He was overweight and just a complete mess. His hairline was receding from years of stress. His bright blue eyes glared at me. I hated having his eyes. It was a reminder of him everywhere I went. “Where in the fuck were you?”

“Detention, I was late for class,” I said quietly, looking down and dropping my backpack. My heart was pounding in my chest. He was drunk, that much was obvious.

Eber was suddenly in my face, shoving me against the wall. My head cracked against the wall, and I cringed in pain, feeling a loud throbbing in my ears. He gripped my neck in his meaty hands. I coughed; suddenly finding it difficult to breathe.

“You’re lying,” He spat. “You’re such a fucking lying faggot.”

I relaxed my muscles as best as I could. If I tensed up, the pain would feel worse. I couldn’t just punch him back, because he would completely overtake me and the beating wouldn’t end until I was dead. Defense was not an option. And I’d learned not to cry or scream out, because it would only fuel his sick amusement.

His left hand remained pushing my neck against the wall, and he reared his right fist back. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, waiting. His fist collided into my gut, and the air rushed out of my body. I wheezed silently in pain, and struggled to breathe. Eber yelled random profanities in his loud and obnoxious voice as his hard fist repeatedly pounded into my gut and chest. It felt like I was being clipped by a bus each time. Eber was stronger than your average man too; the years of boxing and wrestling did that for you. Just my luck.

He threw me against the ground by my neck and pain shot up my arm as my elbow rammed into the wooden floor. I clenched my teeth, trying not to yell out. I looked up with wide eyes to see Eber taking his prized, metal baseball bat off the wall in one hand. My breath hitched in my throat.

I felt a sharp, cracking blow against my hip as he swung the bat and I bit my tongue fiercely to keep from screaming, probably biting into it. I could feel tears of agony threatening to leak out. He chucked the entire bat at me and it rammed into my ribcage before clattering on the floor. I let out a small whimper of distress. Eber grabbed a fistful of my hair and picked me up roughly. Next thing I knew, I was back on the ground with a throbbing, brutal pain in my jaw where his knuckles had contacted a moment ago. I tasted blood.

“You disgusting excuse of a human being!” Eber screamed, and his boot slammed into my back, shoving my face into the floor. Eber finally just left the house, slamming the door in the process. The house shook from the force.

I stayed on the cold ground, wheezing, and trying to fill my winded lungs with air again. I coughed and covered my mouth. I was alarmed when I felt warmth on my fingers. I pulled my trembling hand away and looked at it. It was covered in blood. I sobbed, spitting out some more blood, and then just laid there in my own crimson mess, crying quietly.

When my breathing finally fell back into pattern again, I tried to get up to inspect the damage. The moment I moved though, sharp, excruciating pains jolted through various parts of my body. I yelled out in anguish, collapsing back down to the floor again. There was no fucking way I could make it to school tomorrow after this. I couldn’t even get off the floor.

This was my life. A constant nightmare that would only end when my body couldn’t take it anymore or I just couldn’t take it anymore and ended it myself. A complete lose-lose situation for me either way.


	6. Again With The "Sully"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just Sauli interacting with other people, not Adam... Not a very eventful or drastically life-changing chapter. I uploaded this with the next one so you get some more Adam :D REVIEWS MAKE MY DAY.

Sauli: 

The entire next morning at school, I caught myself keeping an eye out for that withdrawn and cryptic Adam. Sure, it was blatantly obvious that he didn’t want anything to do with me, but I was stupidly intrigued and couldn’t help it. Cold and aloof as he was, I wanted to know more about him. But he never showed up. I assumed he was just skipping school, and something in the back of my mind kept insisting that it was because of me. I tried to reason with myself: He was probably skipping because he just didn’t give a shit about school. That had to be it, right?

His appearance didn’t put me off one bit. The knife thing was the only thing that made me uncomfortable. Well, that, combined with his dislike for me could equal a bad end. Sure it was only a pocket knife, but a knife nonetheless. If the faculty knew, he’d probably get suspended. I thought about outing him to a teacher, but then decided I didn’t need to get caught up in that, and it wasn’t my business. 

I tried making an acquaintanceship with Adam yesterday, but to no avail. The only thing I learned from him was his name. The first moment he had looked at me, I could see the disdain in his eyes. What reason could he have had to have been so pissed off at me without even knowing a single thing about me? Yeah, apparently I sat in his desk, but that was no reason to have had such a lethal expression. And after class I had even introduced myself to him. I’d been friendly enough, right? It didn’t seem to matter to him, however. I guess he only summed people up by his first glance at them, though I didn’t understand what was so repulsive about me. Whatever. I really didn’t care. I _shouldn’t_ care. You can’t get everyone to like you, especially if some never even give you the chance.

It was lunchtime and I was looking for a place to eat. Yesterday, I had been early and managed to find an empty table to eat at, but today, the cafeteria was already packed with bodies. I went outside to the picnic tables in the courtyard. Dammit. Those were full too. Note to self: Quit forgetting your lunch at home, having to wait for your mom drop it off, and then maybe this wouldn’t happen. I scanned the tables, just debating whether or not to sit down. Every single table seemed to have its own clique. How cliché. I wondered which group Adam fit in with. None of them seemed to match him. Did he even have friends?

My eyes met with a pair I recognized, staring at me. I recalled her as the girl from English class yesterday. She smiled when she saw me look at her I returned the gesture politely. She got up, muttered something her friends, before turning and heading towards me.

“Hey, you’re the new kid, Sauli, right?” She asked, again with the “Sully”.

Her voice was high and sugary. It was really cute. She had strawberry blond hair tied up in a high ponytail, her green eyes glimmering with something I couldn’t pinpoint. She was wearing a tight tube top, which made her cleavage pop. She wore grey cargo pants, and black sandals that highlighted her painted toenails. I scanned her up and down. She was hot. 

I smiled and shook my head at her. “Sow-lee,” I drew out the pronunciation for her.

“Sauli,” she repeated. Still a bit off, but close enough.

I nodded and grinned at her. “And what’s your name?” I asked, putting on the charm. 

“Dakota,” she replied, giggling. “Why don’t you sit with us? You seem a little lost.” She gestured to her friends, who were all watching and waved when they noticed me looking over.

Well, it was either them or the ground.  I smirked at her, “Sure, why wouldn’t I want to sit with such a pretty girl?”

She giggled again, leading me back to the table with her. From what I could tell, these people were the hotshots of the school, and they’d just invited me to eat with them. Well, at least lunchtime wouldn’t be a problem anymore. 

She introduced them all: Marie, who looked like a gorgeous pixie, with her black hair, and teeny nose. Alex, who looked like and probably was your typical jock, with his short, buzz cut, blond hair, wide jaw, and buff arms. He gave me a smirk and fist-pound as I sat down next to him. Drake, who had brown, shoulder length hair, and looked like a hipster elf, was sitting next to Katie, who had her brown locks in a side braid, and kept eyeing me the whole time.

I ended up hanging out with them after school, and we went to Alex’s house, where the weed and drinks were tossed around. I didn’t expect any of them to be like this, well, except for Drake. You could tell he was a druggie from a mile away. I passed on the weed and drinks. Call me a goody-two-shoe, but I just didn’t want to risk the shit that came with all that. I was grateful that none of them tried to persuade or force me to do it, except for Drake. Again, not a surprise.

I found myself liking all of them, and happy that I’d made some friends so early on. They all laughed at my jokes and welcomed me. They were all completely different from each other, but yet, somehow the same. I think Dakota and Alex took an extra liking to me. Alex and I discussed our favorite games and movies, and were surprised by how much we had in common. 

“No way, dude! That’s awesome!” Alex exclaimed when I told them about the various sports medals I had won back home. The others chimed in agreement. We all goofed off for hours like that, until it was finally time to go home.

But I couldn’t help but wonder what Adam was doing. And the thought made me angry.


	7. Yes, Wicked. Problem?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yada yada yada REVIEWS yada... you get the point..... ENJOY :)

Adam: 

It was agonizing; two days after my cruel beating and heading to school. I had a chance to heal slightly yesterday because my father was out with his drinking buddies again. I grabbed that opportunity by the horns. I didn’t get a lot of attack-free days, but when I did, I cherished every second of it. Today, however, I had to go to school. Eber was home. It was always either go to school and endure the pain, or stay home and risk _more_ damage. Every muscle in my body ached and protested when I moved them. I had to bite back tears. It wasn’t nearly so bad when I was sitting still, but the problem with school was that there was a lot of movement involved. I mentally apologized to my body for never catching a break.

It was lunchtime and I was outside sitting at an isolated picnic table. No one ever sat down next to me when I was at a table, and I really didn’t want them to. I loved being alone. I didn’t have a lunch, I never did, but I was always hungry. I only got to eat every once in a while. The fridge in my house really was only stocked with various beers. Eber would always eat out while leaving me at home bedridden. Even though I didn’t have the money to go out and buy myself anything, stealing still wasn’t much of an option.

I just sat and read the _Wicked_ novel. Yes, I was also into musicals and such, so sue me. I just loved the story and idea of it. I felt similar to Elphaba in some ways, except I wasn’t green. I had read this book numerous times; the spine was worn out and some of the pages were wrinkled, but I always read it with the same amount of suspense. It never got dull. I just wished I could actually go and see the musical.

The air was nice and quiet, except for the chatter of the students at the other tables, but I tuned them out. The breeze felt wonderful in my hair, caressing me and drying the sweat from the effort of merely walking. The smell of everyone’s lunches filled my nostrils. My stomach growled and I ignored it. I sighed quietly, enjoying the temporary peace. 

My thoughts started to wander around. I stared blankly at my book, not really reading it. I could finally think without all the loud hustle around me. I realized: What the hell was I going to do in a few years? That is, if I didn’t end up dead. I couldn’t stay with my father forever. But in order to move out, I would need a job. I could try pursuing my dream of making music, but that would never happen to me. It may be a surprise, but I really could sing. There are born naturals and molded talents. I think I was a blend of both; I could always sing very well, but it was only before my mother died, when I was taking voice lessons, that I really learned how to control and properly use my voice. But just because you have talent, doesn’t mean you’re going to make it anywhere with it. You have to create your own opportunities; they won’t just come to you. I was chained down with no escape, how could I ever set out for _my_ chance?

My peace and quiet was interrupted when I noticed out of my peripheral, someone sitting down across from me. I looked up curiously and somewhat annoyed, and my eyes widened slightly, seeing that new kid from the day before—what was his name? Sam? Stewart? No, it was something more foreign. Maybe it was Sully or something? Yeah, I think it was Sully— sitting there with his face cupped in his hand, propped up by elbow, and smiling at me. I was shocked. 

“Hey, Adam,” He said. His voice was soft warm, and comforting, not at all sarcastic. He had a hint of an accent, but barely noticeable. I didn’t notice that in my anger yesterday. His tall blond hair shimmered in the sunlight and swayed gently in the breeze. 

“Sully…?” I tested slowly.

He sighed and held his finger up. “That is not how you say my name,” He insisted. “It’s Sow-lee.” 

“Sauli,” I echoed. Sauli’s eyes widened and looked impressed. So I said it right or something?

I acknowledged him with a nod, and then looked back down at my book. I was still relaxed even with him still in front of me, mostly because I was trying to not tense up and put stress on my wounded muscles. 

I guess he just had no place to sit, being new and all. I could bear his presence, as long as he kept quiet.

“What are you reading?”

I sighed heavily. Seriously? 

Was he trying to talk to me again? Shocking. Well, I gave him points for that. Normally, people tried to avoid me at all costs and vice-versa, so I might as well give him the benefit of the doubt. He was cute and all, but I could tell this was going to get really old, really fast. His smile, I didn’t trust, and quickly after shock was paranoid suspicion. _Why_ was he trying to talk to me anyway? I mentally noted to keep my guard up at all times with this one.

I closed my book and reluctantly handed it to him, raising a questioning eyebrow at him. I was slightly worried that he was either going to rip it up, or run away with it in hopes of making me look like an idiot in front of the school. If that was the case, he could keep it. There was no way I could attempt to run right now and _not_ die. He took it and remained in his seat. I relaxed slightly, but still on edge. He looked at the title, and then flipped to the first page. His eyes lit up. Maybe now he was realizing how incredibly “uncool” I was for liking musicals.

“Wow, I remember reading this obsessively,” Sauli enthused, “You have great taste.”

Maybe the beating from yesterday had damaged my hearing. 

Did I hear that right? I had great taste? He agreed with me? That was… surprising. He handed the book back to me, and I quickly took it, biting the inside of my cheek when a sting shot up my bruised elbow. Once the book was back on my lap, I relaxed more, not needing to fear the murder of one of my only possessions by Sauli’s hand. 

“Thanks,” I muttered. So he liked musicals too, that shouldn’t really matter, but I was glad to hear it.

“So you’re a fan of _Wicked_?” Sauli asked in an honestly curious and lazy tone. He was ridiculously calm right now, and I thought it was because he was trying not to set me off.

“Uh, yeah,” I muttered pathetically, still not really used to talking to people casually, “It’s one of my favorites.” What the hell was I doing? This was the longest conversation I’d ever had and it was making me uncomfortable.

“Mine too…” Sauli trailed off, seeming to be in thought. Was he shocked that someone like me could have something in common with him? Because I sure was.

I glanced around quickly, and noticed a couple people from a distance looking over at our— _my_ table in confusion and whispering things to each other. I clenched my fist. Ugh, mind your own goddamn business, people. None of them, including my own self, were used to seeing someone, especially someone like Sauli, interacting with me in a friendly manner. I didn’t like the attention this guy was getting me, and I half-heartedly wished he would just leave me alone.

Then Sauli laughed, and he took me by surprise yet again. My head snapped back in his direction. He had such a musical, melodic laugh. I stared at him, confused. He noticed and shook his head at me.

“Sorry,” Sauli said, trying to keep from laughing again, “I was just remembering this one part in the book when—” he was cut off.

“Sauli!” We both turned to the direction of the voice. I mentally snickered at the butchering of his name, because I knew it was probably bothering him. The look in his eyes proved it. 

Ugh, shit. It was Alex. He was once my best friend, long ago in primary school, before any of this shit started happening to me. And now, years later, he just didn’t like that I was different and showed his opinion to me by any means necessary, usually physical. Like I didn’t have enough to worry about. He ran up to the table. Naturally, he was wearing the crappy school logo on his gym shorts and a grey sweatshirt.

“What are you doing talking to this freak?” He gestured to me without looking once at me. I glared at him. “Come on, let’s go.” He said before proceeding to grab Sauli’s arm and dragged him away.

I watched them leave, having no intention of intervening. Sauli looked back at me with sadness in his eyes, as if to apologize. I frowned as they turned a corner and disappeared from my sight. I was feeling low and shocked for two reasons: 

One: he made friends with those fuckers? I knew it would happen, but I was still somewhat upset about it. I didn’t _want_ him to get caught up with that kind of crowd. I had been right; he was just like everyone else. He _belonged_ with everyone else. He was probably going to shut me out when he found out how unattractive it was to be seen talking to me. 

And two: I was almost sad at seeing him go, and that terrified me. 


	8. Stupid Intervention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I think I update a little too often...Enjoy :) I want to thank everyone who's reading this story. I do see every single comment, and you should see the look on my face when I read them. This may give you an idea: :'DDD ...REVIEWS MEAN MORE UPDATES :D

Sauli: 

I was kind of annoyed at Alex for pulling me away from Adam. We had been just starting to have a normal conversation, and I was surprised at my reluctance for leaving him. I’d even managed to learn an interest of his, which surprisingly, was one of mine.

And this time Adam was a lot calmer. I was reassured that he didn’t hate me when he didn’t give me a single glare, though I did notice the one he shot at Alex. Good to know I really was just paranoid about that. His behavior the other day must’ve been triggered by something else.

But why did it bother me to have him dislike me? I normally didn’t give half a shit when people hated me, but the way Adam had thrown his piercing gaze at me the other day made me feel like he knew something I didn’t. I had felt eerily uncomfortable, and maybe that’s why people didn’t seem to like talking to him. Adam had a really strong, intimidating presence. 

Alex literally dragged me over to the rest of the group, and I just let him. I didn’t resist or pull away because I didn’t want to make it look like I preferred Adam to them, but I didn’t go along willingly because I didn’t want to look like an asshole in front of Adam. When we turned the corner and reached the group, the girls were all standing in the same pose with their arms crossed defensively and a grossed-out expression ruining their faces. I fought the urge to laugh at how ridiculous they looked. 

Drake just leaned against the wall with a sneer on his face. “Why were you hanging with that faggot?” He snorted.

I was taken aback and sort of angry. I had always hated the use of slurs to describe people, and the fact that it had just came from the mouth of my friend made it a bit harder to handle. Why would he call Adam that? Adam wasn’t even gay. Well, at least I didn’t think so. Did he think that because Adam wore makeup and nail polish? Even though I didn’t see men using cosmetics in Finland, I was smart enough to realize that it was probably just a style thing, and it didn’t prove that they had an alternative sexuality. Oh Drake, all that proved was your ignorance.

Adam having an alternative look or sexuality or not, did not give Drake any place to say that. He didn’t even know Adam. Granted, I probably knew him the least out of everyone here. 

I hadn’t realized that I was thinking defensively for this kid that I didn’t really appreciate nor had any business with, and he probably strongly disliked me. I didn’t owe him anything. So why was I trying to protect him inside my own head? I mentally slapped myself.

I looked around at the group, and they all had the exact same irritated expression. These guys were like robots. How had I not noticed that before? Come on, people, go and get a little personality. 

I needed to find out more about this “Adam” issue. Did they all think of him that way? “Why don’t you guys like him? What’s wrong with him?” I asked, trying to hide my annoyance.

Alex laughed, “Isn’t it obvious? Just look at him!” I raised a curious eyebrow at Alex. “Where to begin? Well for one thing, he’s wearing  _makeup_ . It’s disgusting. He’s such a fucking girl. Like, man up and get a testosterone shot.” My hand twitched. That just pissed me off more.

Dakota joined in, breaking out of her ridiculous pose, “He’s really weird. Like, he talks to no one and has no friends. He fucking hates everyone. He’s always angry too.” He didn’t seem angry when I was sitting with him. In fact, if he had been any calmer, he’d be dead.

Katie rolled her eyes, shifting her weight to her other foot, and jutted her hip out, “He’s such a freak. If you watch him walk, he usually like, limps. It’s so weird. Like, is he mentally retarded or something? And he’s always reading that same stupid book.” He limped? I wondered why. How come I hadn’t noticed? I was usually more observant than this.  And that book was not stupid. My eyes narrowed slightly.

Marie waved her hand dismissively and piped up, “Look, just stay away from him. He’ll probably take you into a corner and rape you or something. I heard he has a sex addiction and will fuck anything smaller than him. Fucking creep.” Wow, now that was definitely just a rumor. Did people _actually_ believe that? This was getting out of hand.

Why was I mentally backlashing against their arguments? I guess it just struck a nerve with me. None of us actually _knew_ Adam, so why were we acting like we did? Coming up with a character for a person just from their appearance had always bothered me. People weren’t that simple. You’d never have an idea of what goes on inside their heads if you only summed them up from their look.

I didn’t see what they saw. I hadn’t lived here long enough to observe Adam like they had or to believe all this bullshit about him, and I seriously doubted I ever would. But from what I could see of Adam in my short time here was someone who was different, and not a bad different. Good for him for not being like these robots.

Adam was introverted, that much I had actually learned from him, so I couldn’t _really_ blame these people for having to make up an entire persona for him, since Adam wouldn’t willingly tell anyone anything or _allow_ people to comprehend him. He’d locked up inside and thrown away the key. I wanted to crack him open, and learn from him. What was his story? 

I would try being his friend, since apparently, he didn’t have _any._ I would make the effort others hadn’t bothered with. Maybe I could show him that he could trust, and that he didn’t have to avoid all people.He could push me away as much as he wanted, and I had no doubt that he would try, but he wouldn’t be able to last long. He’d have to give up eventually. I was very determined. Fuck his “leave me alone” attitude and fuck what other people thought of me talking to him. Seriously, enough of that shit.

“Look, I have to go,” I said quickly and coldly. “I have a dentist appointment,” I finished lamely. But before they could protest or reply, I ran off. I ran around the corner of the wall and headed back toward the picnic tables, but the table Adam had been at was completely empty. I stopped, confused, and looked around. I caught sight of Adam walking a distance away toward the boundaries of the campus. I squinted to get a better look at him. He _was_ limping slightly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, this chapter actually pissed me off to write x) Every insult to Adam actually hurt me.


	9. Whataya Want From Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you just hate it when you're reading a fanfic, and the author doesn't update for weeks at a time? I HATE IT. It's happening to me right now with several of them. I'll try not to be that cruel. x) As long as people are liking this, I will update frequently <3 REVIEWS ARE LOVED, THANKS :)

Adam: 

I finished _Wicked_ for the thousandth time, and even though I always knew what was going to happen next, I still flipped through the pages with complete immersion. I slammed it shut and placed it carefully into my messenger bag beside me. I slung my bag over my shoulder as I got up to leave. I actually hissed from the shooting feeling as I stood up. I needed to go home, I had already put too much stress and weight on my injuries for the day and the pain was becoming unbearable. There was no way I could stay here for more classes. I was hoping Eber wouldn’t be at home when I got there. If that was the case, I could actually go home and rest for a while.

I walked slowly and stiffly. My face was a mask of calm, though there were inner protests of pain behind it. It was hard to hide the injuries to my leg though, and I just couldn’t put weight on it without it buckling slightly. I was wobbling and probably looked drunk. Good job at staying inconspicuous, Adam… It was embarrassingly obvious right now. I needed to leave to assure no one else would notice—especially teachers. They would see that something was obviously wrong and call home in concern, which would only end up with me in more pain. That was another problem; I couldn’t tell people about the abuse. Eber would find out and probably kill me before anyone could actually help. Sure they’d send him to jail afterwards, but what good would that do for me? The victim would already be dead. Plus, I didn’t _want_ anyone’s help. There would be too many questions and too much attention.

I stared hard at the ground as I bit my lip and strolled slowly away from the field. I heard footsteps behind me, much faster than mine, and getting louder, but I didn’t turn around. 

“Adam!” I heard a strangely familiar voice call from behind me.

Before I knew it, Sauli was suddenly by my side, slowing down and matching my pace from his run. My head whipped to the side to gape at him, and I winced from the sting of the sudden movement. I had been surprised too many times today. This was another one. Sauli came back? He actually left those fuckers for me? But why on Earth would he pick me over them? Maybe he wasn’t so bad—

_ No. _

Don’t think like that. Don’t take the risk of accepting him. Don’t relax, stay on guard. You never know, this could just be a set up made by Alex and the rest of them—including Sauli. 

“Where are you going?” Sauli asked cheerfully as he walked beside me. Now I had to put up an extra effort to hide my temporary limp. I really only had two options: Either tell him to get lost and spit on him, or just see what he wanted and hope he would go away on his own. I decided to go with the less dramatic latter.

“Home,” I replied honestly, staring straight ahead, but I didn’t give any reason why, nor did he ask why, and I was grateful for that. I really wasn’t great at lying because I had been lied to many times before, so it upset me whenever I had to succumb to that low. I just stayed quiet and avoided people to avoid questions to avoid lying to them. But if I had to lie, I would. 

I was hoping he’d get the message and leave, but he was still strolling alongside me, not leaving a single hint of farewell. We just passed the boundary of the school campus. Was he going to try to follow me home or what?

I looked down at him. He was looking straight ahead and smiling to himself. I was getting annoyed. Go away…

I sighed irritably, “What do you want?”

He answered immediately, as if he’d been waiting for me to ask.

“Do you wanna come to McDonald’s with me?” Sauli asked, still grinning to himself.  “I’m starving and have no lunch, and it doesn’t look like you have one either.” 

Oh little rich kid, you really don’t know what starving is.

 Did he just invite me to lunch? What the fuck? What was with this guy? Why couldn’t he just leave me alone and stop putting me on the spot with things I wasn’t used to? And why was he _still_ grinning at me? It was beyond creepy, and suspicious. But I couldn’t believe I was actually considering his offer. 

Sauli continued when he saw the rattled look on my face, “I’ll pay.” 

Now he was inviting me to eat _free_ food? Shit, no, Adam. Don’t go. It could be a trap. Plus, you’re in way too much pain. 

“Don’t you have class?” I tried, hoping this preppy kid would realize that and turn back. But nope, he didn’t even miss a step.

He laughed once, “Don’t _you?”_

I didn’t reply. He was impossible.

McDonald’s wasn’t that far away. In fact, it was closer than my house, but to walk all the way there and then all the back to my house, I didn’t think my body could handle that. But I also had no idea when the next time I’d eat would be and I was starving. Plus, he was offering me free food. When the hell was that opportunity going to happen again? 

I stopped in my tracks. Sauli walked ahead for a couple feet, before noticing that I wasn’t moving. He turned and waited for an answer. I weighed my priorities for a minute before deciding that getting nutrition was crucial for my healing and was more important than anything at this point. I could definitely handle a little pain and having to spend time with this pushy kid.

I came back to reality and glanced down at Sauli standing a few feet away. He was looking at me with a sincere light and hope in his eyes. I felt myself give in mentally, like a restraint had been let go of. Did he actually want to hang out with me that badly? It was so strange and new to me, and kind of stupid of him.

“Alright,” I sighed, defeated. “Let’s go.” 

Sauli’s face lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, here's how I'll do things: If a chapter is over 1000 words, I'll upload it alone. If two chapters have like 500 or so each, I'll upload them both. :)


	10. Pocket Full Of "Sunshine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! A thousand hits and we're not even a week in! Thank you again to everyone who's putting up with this slow-paced story. So, here's chapter 10 :) A day after the last update, not too shabby, eh? x) I'll shut up now.

Sauli:  

We had to skip the rest of our classes to go eat, since our given lunchtime was almost over. Like it mattered; I could catch up easily on anything I missed. I never even had to study for an exam once in my life, and I doubted Adam even cared about what he missed. So, with that, we were off to McDonald’s. 

Now why I was doing this, I didn’t really know. But somehow I was now getting lunch with Adam: The aloof, unreadable guy with the pocket knife, who lurked unknown through the hallways and was apparently avoided by everyone. 

It was such a fucking hot day. The sun was blistering down on my forehead, threatening to cook me alive. We were only walking slowly and I was sweating like I was wrapped in a thick blanket in a sauna. I was only wearing a t-shirt and jeans for fuck’s sake! 

I looked over at Adam with confusion. How the hell did he manage to walk in this weather wearing layers of all black? Not to mention his hair was black too. He was practically begging to overheat. Yet, Adam’s face was completely blank with no sign of boiling distress in his expression, whereas I was nearly panting. As I looked closer at him, I could barely see that his forehead had little trails of sweat since his dark hair hid it and just touched his eyes. 

Adam noticed me gaping heavily at him out of the corner of his eye. His head turned to my direction and he gave me a look.

“I’m boiling,” I exclaimed, as to explain why I was staring at him and panting… “Aren’t you dying in that thing?”

He flinched lightly like I had just jumped out at him. I was not expecting that kind of a reaction. 

“No.” Adam said, and his voice was hard and final. Okay, then… I didn’t push it. 

After a couple of silent, grueling minutes of just listening to the sounds of the busy roads and walking, I peeked at Adam out of the corner of my eye and noticed that he kept wincing. His face would contort into that of pain for a second, but then quickly smooth out into the blank expression I was getting used to. He was limping ever so slightly as well, but not as much as before. Was he in pain? What was going on? I didn’t think I should ask him about it, since I doubted he would ever answer me properly anyway, but just in case, I slowed my pace to make it easier for him.

“So tell me,” I said slowly, looking over at Adam’s pocket. He was wearing a leather jacket today… in this heat. “Why exactly do you carry that pocket knife around?”

Adam pursed his lip, thinking about it. “I don’t know,” He replied, “security, entertainment, whatever.”

“So you’re _not_ going to try to stab me?” I joked. 

“Well…” Adam mumbled, reaching for his pocket. He pulled out the pocket knife and flipped the huge blade out, still staring straight ahead. I could see him observing my reaction out of the corner of his eye.

I blanched, looking at him wide-eyed.

“No, _probably_ not,” He finished, tucking the knife back into his pocket and dropping his arm again.  Amusement glinted in his eyes.

Was he trying to being funny with me? What kind of sick humor was that? Then it dawned on me exactly how easy it would be for him to just kill me. I gulped, suddenly feeling slightly regretful for being alone with him.

No, come on, Sauli. He was kidding! I think…

“So...  what other classes do you take?” I changed the subject, hoping not to give him any ideas. 

But ugh, that’s all I could come up with? I was so incredibly uncreative. 

Adam huffed, wiping his forehead before looking over at me and stopping. I halted, wondering why he’d stopped. 

“What’s the matter with you?” Adam bombarded me, clearly annoyed again. “Why are you doing all of this? Why won’t you just shut up and leave me alone?” Talk about a mood swing.

_ Because I want to know everything about you. _ Yeah, that wasn’t creepy.

I answered his question with another question. “I’m sorry,” I muttered, feigning sadness. “Do you _want_ me to ignore you like everyone else?”

“No. I mean, yes. I—ugh!” He threw his hands up in frustration and started marching forward dramatically. All of those musicals clearly had an effect on him.

I smirked to myself and followed after him. 

The rest of the walk was pretty silent. I was smiling happily to myself while Adam stalked next to me, still brooding. I swore I saw his hand inching toward his pocket a couple of times, but then drop back to his side. He must be pretty hungry if he was still putting up with me. 

So, conversation-wise, this wasn’t the best one. Adam really just was not willing to talk. He seemed to be bothered every time I opened my mouth, so of course I had to do it a few times just to rile him up. At least I learned that he did have a personality. It was buried, but it was there. He seemed to have a sense of humor. Every time he spoke, I got another little glimpse of him. They were tiny glimpses, but hey, it was better than nothing. 

Were we friends? No, of course not. Judging by Adam’s expression, he really didn’t like having to do this with me. Was I hurt by it? A little, but I also understood where he was coming from. It was more like two acquaintances going to get lunch because one of them wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

We finally arrived at McDonald’s. I held the door open for Adam, but he was just frozen a couple meters away, staring off into space. I sighed, walking over to him and snapping my fingers in front of his face. He blinked and looked down at me, irritated. 

“Come on,” I said, impatient and hungry. 

I bravely grabbed his leather-covered elbow and pulled him into the restaurant. That was the first time I touched him, too bad he jerked his arm away the moment we were inside. I rolled my eyes.


	11. What Is He Trying To Do To Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all of you GREEDY, SELFISH people that just horribly DEMAND MORE........ x) just kidding. For all of you loved and adored readers, here's two shorter chapters to fill in for the usual word count of one. :) Enjoy...........

Adam:

We arrived at McDonald’s, and it was hard to let go of the fact that this exact place held the last _happy_ memory I had of my mother. I didn’t want to face that memory again. I was trying so hard to block everything out. It was the place I last came to with her, just to enjoy each other’s company; laughing and talking, before everything screwed up.

Forget it, Adam. Live in the present, and forget about everything else for a moment.

The second we entered through the door, my mouth started watering. The aromas hit me like Eber swinging his bat at me, but I welcomed this. I hadn’t eaten in days, and it’s not like Eber would cook anything or really buy anything other than beer. We stood in line and I stared at all the different choices while Sauli ordered his food. I was mesmerized by the menu.

“Adam?” Sauli said, snapping me back to reality. I looked down at him in confusion. He gestured to the cashier, “What do you want?”

Never been asked that question before.

I could have any of it? I felt like ordering everything on the menu.

I almost felt bad for Sauli having to pay, especially since he didn’t _have_ to, but that was only for a second before I remembered that he’s a rich little bastard, so I ended up ordering more food than I could probably eat. Sauli didn’t complain and pulled out his shiny black credit card to pay. I nearly rolled my eyes. I should have ordered more.

We took our trays of food, found a small table in the back corner, and sat across from each other. Sauli was only a couple feet away and right across from me. It was the closest I’d been to him since meeting him. If I wanted to, I could easily grab the back of his head and kiss him… which I wouldn’t do.

I picked up my chicken wrap and began scarfing it down subtly. The taste. Oh my fuck, the taste. My stomach growled in anticipation of food. I swallowed, and nearly moaned at the delight. It was hard to not just shove it all down like an animal, but I didn’t want to _look_ like I wasstarving. After a few glorious bites, I peered up at Sauli and froze.

This was the first time I _really_ got to see Sauli up close. Normally, I would look at him without really _seeing_ him. But now, I had a chance to analyze him properly.

His tall, blond locks looked feather soft with perfect natural highlights. His eyes, (that were focused on his burger right now and didn’t notice me staring like an idiot) were a bright, oceanic pool of blue. His cheekbones were high and defined. His nose was straight and just soft enough to balance out his sculpted face. His tanned skin had a perfect, sun-kissed glow. His lips, damn, they were full and pink. He even had some ketchup on his lower lip. I wanted to lean over and slowly lick it off.

I mentally punched myself at the thought.

It was too tempting. “Umm,” I mumbled, keeping my head low, and barely looking at him. Sauli looked up curiously at me. “You got a little…” I gestured to his face.

Even his hands that were holding his food were beautiful. His long, slim digits were wrapped around his burger. Sauli nodded in thanks. I watched closely as he took a finger, slowly wiped the ketchup off his lip, and lingeringly sucked sweetly on it.

Holy fuck.

I bit my lip to keep myself from doing something I would surely regret. I hated myself for thinking he’s attractive.

Fuck, who was I kidding? He was absolutely gorgeous.

I tore my eyes from Sauli’s face and glued them to my own burger, making sure I didn’t sneak any more peeks at him. I didn’t want to think he’s beautiful, but goddammit, you just can’t help these things. Shit, I could feel myself blushing like a wildfire.

Someone please shoot me.


	12. His Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheeee. Here's the chapter buddy to the last one. I update so often because this story is really long. It would be really cruel to update like once a week.... If I took that long, it would take over a year to finish this. Plus, I just can't resist. I want this whole thing out there ASAP.

Sauli:

We were at McDonald’s for quite a while, but we spent most of it just eating, there wasn’t much talking going on, but it wasn’t awkward.

I took another bite of my burger and chewed it. Jeez, would it kill them to add better ingredients to their food? I knew it fast food, but come on! And the _smell,_ did they not have windows or something? I really didn’t want to have to smell their grease and sweat from the kitchen.

I looked up at Adam to complain about the food, and stopped when I noticed Adam focusing really hard on his huge burger, since he had already finished his chicken wrap, and his cheeks were a much rosier color. I snapped my mouth shut. Was he blushing? It was probably just from the heat getting to him.

I took advantage of his intense distraction to observe him a little closer. Normally, Adam was looking away or looking angry, but right now I had a perfect view of his face. His earlobe-length, sleek, ebony hair stuck out in angles in some places. It was rather cool. His facial features were downright perfect. His face had all the right angles, and very defined. His nose was smooth and striking. Even his lips were full and soft-looking. His fair, rosy cheek had a couple little cuts on it, and I briefly wondered where those came from. How were girls not falling all over this guy?

Then, Adam glanced up. We made real eye contact for the first time ever. I felt an electric shock go through my entire body. His lined eyes widened, mirroring mine. He had blue eyes, and I never noticed that. How the Hell had I not noticed? They were shockingly blue, even more so with the contrast of his dark hair. There was something wrong with his those aqua orbs. They seemed empty, lifeless. There was a touch of a sad grey in them. I found myself almost spellbound by his eyes as I stared into them, searching for his hidden soul. He looked… afraid?

Our eyes locked for about six seconds before Adam coughed and looked away. I blinked several times, coming back to reality.

That was really weird. I shook the thought out of my head and went back to eating.

After a few bites and a gulp of my drink, I glanced up again at Adam. I noticed he was really blushing fiercely this time. I wondered how I looked.

I looked down at my watch after a while. Crap, it was already past three. I needed to start heading home soon. But, I couldn’t just leave Adam here.

“Hey,” I said to Adam, who had stopped blushing ten minutes ago. I stood up and pushed my chair in. “I have to leave.” I didn’t miss the look in his eyes. “Do you want me to walk you home before I head back?”

Adam’s face flashed a wild look before contorting back to normal. “N-no, no, I-it’s fine,” he stuttered. “I’ll just… stay.”

I furrowed my brow, “Are you sure, I mean, I could—”

“Just go,” Adam said calmly, but firmly. He looked away.

I bit my lip, not knowing what else to do. I sighed. “Alright, then, whatever you want. See you later,” I mumbled, turning away. I took about three steps before I heard him again.

“Hey,” Adam called quietly. I turned back to look at him. His chin was resting on his fist propped up by his elbow. “…Thanks,” he finished, still not quite looking right at me.

I smiled at him, before turning away and heading out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh. Next chapter.... Poor Adam.... :(


	13. No Escape From Reality?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's 4 chapters for y'all. Yeah.... for those of you who don't like Adam being hurt..... heh. have fun with this one. It's part of the story and needs to happen. I wouldn't recommend skipping it. Don't worry, it'll get better for Adam.....sorta? xD

Adam:

After that strange, awkward, yet satisfying lunch, Sauli left and I remained at the table, staring at our garbage.

What was that jolt I felt going through me when we made eye contact? That’d never happened before. I couldn’t understand any of it. Why was I so captivated by his eyes that it was almost painful to tear myself away? I did notice that Sauli was blushing afterwards, just like I was. But for him, it had to have been from the heat. There was no conceivable way it could have been for the same reason I had been.

I finally hulled myself up and left. I was on my way home. I stared at the sidewalk as I walked, limping and wincing every once in a while. I didn’t regret coming to get lunch with Sauli, I finally had a chance to fill myself up, but my muscles were pissed at all this extra work. Even though I was staring at the sidewalk, all I saw were Sauli’s eyes.

I was attracted to Sauli. Fuck. I didn't _want_ to be. My conflicting mental sides were in overdrive.

My more understanding side said that just because he’s rich, doesn’t mean he’s an ignorant jerk. I was the one being ignorant and assuming things. After all, Sauli had chosen to hang out with me instead of his own friends; something no one had ever done before. It didn’t even turn out to be a cruel joke. No one had ever done anything _close_ to what he had. He even bought me lunch and he tried to genuinely be nice to me. Then I go and become suspicious and defensive and act like a cold bitch.

Then there was the opposite side of the fence: The darker, more powerful part of me that said that there was a reason I had such a hard shell. Sauli was not worth the pain. People have had abused me mentally and physically. To be honest with myself, Sauli was probably pretending to want to be friends with me, and there could be many reasons as to why he ate lunch with me, like… maybe he was paid. Okay, so I couldn't think of a good reason right now. There was just no way any of it could be real. Plus, if I let him in, it would also cause trouble for him, and I just wasn’t cruel enough to twine his life with mine and screw it all up for him.

Don’t fall for him, Adam. Do. Not. Fall for him. He would find out, call you a faggot and tell the entire school. He was just like everyone else here. Don’t fall for his tricks and lies. How much more pain could you take?

Fuck, my mind was at war and I didn’t know what to believe. I kicked a rock on the sidewalk out of pure frustration and it flew and smashed into a car windshield. Crap. The car alarm went off and I rushed to get away as fast as I could manage. I turned a corner and slowed down again.

I adjusted my jacket, feeling horribly uncomfortable in it. I really was boiling inside of it, and might end up with heatstroke, but I couldn’t let anyone see them…

I arrived home, feeling dreadful, and slowly opened the door. So far, so good, I was okay. I tiptoed across the wooden floor, cringing when the floorboards creaked. I hoped Eber wasn’t home. I reached the stairs and climbed a few steps before I heard a noise behind me.

Before I could react to the sound, I felt two sharp cracks and shattering noises against my shoulder. I cried out in surprise and staggered on the stair. The remains of the beer bottles were all over the floor now. My jacket shoulder was soaked with the beer. Shit, I was probably going to be questioned about the smell. I turned.

Eber was home, and he was drunk.

“You filthy cock-sucker, where have you been?” Eber stuttered and slurred from his hopelessly drunken state.

My heart started thrashing in my chest. I was frozen, not knowing what to say or do. Eber was behind me in a second, and he grabbed me by the hips, throwing me back down the stairs. I hit the wooden floor with a slam, falling into the jagged shards of glass from the beer bottle. I bit down on my tongue fiercely; feeling jacket and skin tear as the glass penetrated my back. My healing injuries cried out in pain, but my mouth stayed shut. I could feel the warm blood soaking my clothes at an alarming rate. How badly had the shards cut into me?

I didn’t get any chance to move before Eber’s foot was smashing into my gut repeatedly, shoving me into the ground, and stars danced across my vision as the broken pieces of glass were forced to dig deeper. I blacked out.

I woke up sometime later, and my face was tight from the dried tears. Eber was nowhere to be seen. I tried pushing myself up off the ground, but the only thing my hands made contact with was broken glass. I groaned in pain. Fuck my life. I scattered the glass around me by backhanding them. Then, with every last ounce of strength I had, I pulled myself off the ground and dragged myself to the bathroom, wincing with every half step. I whimpered out in agony multiple times and was panting by the time I got to the bathroom.

Once there, I took off my jacket, which had soaked up the now dried blood. I stared at my jacket and sighed. It was completely ruined. I took hold of my shirt, which was stuck to my back, and peeled it off like a bandage, cringing the entire time. I was glad to see none of the glass managed to actually become completely embedded in my back. I had to bite a towel as I pulled jagged glass out of my back. Who fucking has to do this shit? My fingers were shaking and bloody as I threw the shards into the garbage can, piece by endless piece. When I was sure I was done with that, I stared into the mirror, watching the small streams of blood trail down my back.

I couldn’t take it. I broke down. I sobbed quietly, seeing my bruised and battered body in the mirror. It was just too much.

I cried as I shakily searched the cabinet for a blade. I sat on the floor and looked down at the reason I never wore short-sleeved shirts. Ugly scars crisscrossed my arms, some deep, some shallow. Each gash was a horrible memory, and my arms were covered with them. Yeah, to the rest of the world it would look pretty stupid to hurt yourself when you’re already being abused. But I couldn’t help it, it was my only source of comfort, and it actually numbed the emotional suffering of everything around me. It was my only way to cope.

I pressed the tip of the blade near the crease of my elbow and dug it in, pulling slowly across my skin. I bit my lip as the blood oozed out. The numbing effect was starting to take place, and it was soothing. All the shit around me seemed to fade. The world I had grown to hate just melted away, at least for a little while. I added a couple more cuts to the crowd of them, just to make the effect stay longer, just to be at _peace_ a little longer.

I dropped the bloody blade, watching it splatter blood as it clattered on the cold floor. I leaned back against the bathtub, resting my tear stricken cheek on the edge. I just let my arm bleed out. I took deep, calming breaths before closing my eyes and passing out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cutting yourself actually does release a chemical in your brain that has a numbing effect. I had to research this crap before writing this x)


	14. Can't I Get A Break?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, normally, this would have been Sauli's POV, but it's Adam's again. I'm sure no one cares. x)

Adam:

The next morning, Eber was home again, snoring like a chainsaw in his room. I fought the urge to just go in there and stab him to death. I wasn’t a killer though, and I just couldn’t do something like that.

I gauzed up my freshly cut arms, bandaged my back, sucked up the pain, and headed off to school. I was back to wearing the trench coat again today over a baggy shirt, since my cheap leather jacket was completely bloodied and ruined. I felt like a mummy with all of these bandages. I wore loose clothing so you couldn’t see the outline of the gauze through my clothes.

I arrived at school, and had barely walked inside before Alex and Drake turned the corner and were blocking my path. Oh great. Like I needed this right now?

“Hey faggot!” Alex yelled as he got in my face and shoved me against the locker. The deep, bandaged cuts on my back contacted the lockers and I hissed in pain. “Where the fuck did you kidnap Sauli off to yesterday? I bet you raped him too.”

Ouch. That one actually hurt.

Oh. He must be talking about how Sauli left them and ate lunch with me. I mentally smirked at the thought. Good thing they didn’t actually know I was gay, because believe it or not, it would be a lot worse than this. They probably just assumed since I wore eyeliner, which was an ignorant thing to do. I wore eyeliner because I actually liked it, not because I was gay. There were rumors all around the school about everybody, and no one _really_ believed any of them, so I was fine with the rumors about me. As long as no one actually knew who I really was.

Drake put his hand on Alex’s shoulder, “Dude, just teach him a lesson, this queer needs to know how things work around here.”

I said nothing. What could I possibly say to this oaf? I couldn't escape when Alex suddenly swung his fist, smashing it into my stomach. I couldn’t do anything. My injuries had weakened me so much that I couldn’t put up a proper fight. I could barely move without tremendous effort. I bent over slightly, feeling winded from the force of his attack. I wanted to throw up. I felt faint and exhausted. His punches were weak and clumsy compared to Eber’s. But they still hurt like hell. My wounded body just could not handle so much physical abuse in such a short amount of time.

I coughed and gagged as he kept hitting me, the only thing keeping me upright was his grip on my neck, pinning me to the wall. A crowd had gathered, cheering Alex on, and there wasn’t a member of the faculty in sight. They all blurred and seemed doubled as I felt dizzier and dizzier. See what I meant about these people being all the same? No one gave a fuck that I was being attacked. They just wanted the entertainment.


	15. It Couldn't Have Caused... That.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go Sauli!

Sauli:

I arrived at school only to hear loud cheering and shouting from somewhere in the halls. Curious, I followed the sound to see what all the commotion was about. I turned a corner and froze. In the middle of the idiotic, excited crowd was Alex, grinning, holding Adam by the neck against a locker, and repeatedly pounding his fist into his gut. Adam’s eyes were squeezed shut and his face was contorted into that of pain, but other than that, he was silent. What the hell was going on? Why wasn’t he fighting back? He was standing there and taking it.

I flinched in phantom pain just _watching_ Alex ram his fist into Adam’s gut.

Adrenaline and downright fury kicked in, and before I could stop myself, I ran over to Alex, shoving a few idiots in the process, and punched his fucking face in. Alex flew and hit the ground, letting go of Adam in the process. Adam fell limply to the floor, his eyes still closed. He was out cold. The crowd went silent, completely shocked. Adrenaline was still pumping through my veins and I had never been so angry before.

“What the fuck is wrong with you people?” I yelled at the crowd, who were still stunned. “You’re all sick for enjoying this. Fucking cowards.” My knuckles turned white from clenching my fists so hard, “Get lost! There’s _nothing_ left to see here.”

The crowd of students murmured in disappointment, but otherwise dispersed like I demanded, and within minutes, the hall had completely cleared. Alex was nowhere to be seen. Drake probably pulled him away. Good, I didn’t want to have to deal with more of his bullshit right now.

When I was sure everyone was gone, I relaxed my hands and dropped down to my knees next to Adam, who seemed half conscious with his eyes still closed. I pulled his head into my lap, earning a wince from him, and I examined his face and head, making sure Alex hadn’t damaged anything. I let out a sigh of temporary relief when I concluded that his head was fine.

“I’m so sorry,” I said gently as I stroked his hair as a way to comfort him. “I can’t believe them. Are you alright?” What a stupid question. He obviously wasn’t if he wasn’t even fully conscious.

Adam’s icy-blue eyes opened halfway, looking around dizzily before focusing on my face looking down at his. He blinked a few times, staring at my face, and his brow furrowed before relaxing again. The corner of his lip stretched upward ever so slightly. Holy fuck. He smiled. Adam just smiled. I was beyond shocked. I’d never seen him smile before. Why the hell was he smiling when he’d just been beat up? Then, Adam’s eyes drooped closed and his head rolled limply to the side of my lap. Crap, he blacked out.

I managed to half carry, half drag Adam’s body to the nurse’s office. No one was in the halls since classes had already started. I was happy about that, because I was sure there would have been questions as to why I was carrying an unconscious boy through the halls. After lying to the nurse: Telling her that we had biology, and Adam had fainted at the sight of blood and just needed to rest, Adam was now lying on the bed, and I was standing right next to the bed, waiting for him to wake up.

Since I didn’t really think Adam would be comfortable with the nurse, I lied to her. But now, someone still needed to examine him to make sure he was alright. I’d taken enough first aid training to know what to look for. Let’s see, his head was fine, but Alex had repeatedly hit him in the stomach, and Adam could be bleeding internally for all I knew. Discoloration or tightness of the abdomen area would give me a clue.

I lifted up his shirt halfway, and staggered back, gasping, completely horrified at what I saw. Nearly all of Adam’s stomach area was covered in purple and blue. Such a short beating from a high school student could not have cause all this. I felt sick. I shakily pulled his shirt back down, not being able to bear the sight. I paled like a ghost as I stared at his face. What was he hiding? I would ask him about it later. I took a few deep breaths and calmed down again. I needed to focus on him waking up.

Adam looked peaceful as he was sleeping. There was none of that hard, cold exterior. He just looked like an innocent, happy soul. Well, at least when his shirt was on. I bet he looked dead with it off.

I grinned to myself, remembering his smile. Maybe there was hope for him.

I cupped his warm cheek with my palm, and watched curiously as Adam’s head subconsciously nestled deeper into my hand, burying his face in my palm. Well, that was adorable.

What a strange boy. He was full of hidden facts and secrets about himself. The trouble was: How could I get him to tell me? I wanted to help. I wanted that peaceful face to always be there. I wanted to see more of that smile, no matter how small it might have been.

My thoughts were interrupted when the nurse walked in, preoccupied with her clipboard. I immediately dropped my hand from Adam’s face and sat down on the stool next to the bed.

 


	16. All That For Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheeeeeee fluff x)

Adam:

When I woke up in what seemed like the nurse’s office, I was confused for a moment, before I recalled what had happened. Oh yeah, I was being beaten up by a piece of shit I so wish I had the energy to fight back against, when everything started to blur and I ended up on the ground somehow. I had heard a pretty voice stand out in the midst of the other voices, but it sounded muffled like I was hearing it underwater. When my eyes had reopened, I’d noticed Sauli’s face hovering over mine, and I had felt his hands feeling cool against my burning skin. It had been such a comforting touch. Something I never got to feel. I longed for it again.

I had realized, in that moment, seeing him over me, that Sauli had actually helped me. I remembered feeling nicely surprised before everything went black again.

I ended up here somehow. I stared at the ceiling, before noticing a stirring in my peripheral. I looked down over to see Sauli sitting next to the bed with his head buried in his arms on the mattress, asleep. I felt my heart warm. Had he really stayed here with me? Didn’t he have anything better to do, like go to class? No one had ever done something like that for me, and it made me feel strange. A good strange. An emotion I couldn’t name because it was foreign to me. I bet he was the one who brought me here too. I stared at his blond head, smiling at his sleeping figure, and watched him shift slightly with every breath. He really was different than everyone else.

It was so quiet. There wasn’t a sound in the room, except for Sauli’s comforting breathing. I didn’t want to wake him up, but I also couldn’t stand the absolute silence.

“Why are you trying to get yourself into this?” I whispered softly to the back of his head. “Don’t do this to me… You’re making a mistake…”

I distracted myself by thinking up new lyrics. I was really good at coming up with and remembering an entire song within an hour.

Why wasn’t there one stupid clock in this room? After another length of time, the silence came back and nearly drove me insane.

“ _You're gonna see things you might not wanna see_ ,” I sang, quietly and slowly, barely above a whisper, testing out the melody, still staring at Sauli’s sleeping figure. I stopped for a moment, making sure he wasn’t going to wake up. I went on, “ _Still not that easy for me, underneath.”_

I didn’t continue any further because the nurse walked into the room.

“Oh, you’re awake,” The nurse said to me, uncaring, as she accidentally slammed the door.

Sauli jolted awake at the sound, shaking the bed in the process. I snorted at him. Sauli looked shocked for a second, and then noticed my amused expression. He immediately stood up, and his face brightened at seeing me awake.

“Are you alright now?” He asked, worry filling his voice. He was worried about me. Honestly, what the fuck. I didn’t know what to think of him anymore. It was just so odd…

 I was far from alright, but he didn’t need to know that, and I assumed he meant from the beating via Alex.

“Yeah, I think so,” I said, and slowly pushed myself up into a sitting position on the uncomfortable bed.

“You’re not feeling faint from the blood, anymore? There’s a student here nearly every day from the lab in biology,” the nurse said, shaking her head.

Blood? Lab? Biology? What was she talking about? My eyes flickered over to Sauli as the nurse waited for a response. His head tilted to the side and he gave me a look. I understood.

“Uh, yeah, much better, I just can’t stomach the smell of blood,” I lied. I was covered in blood so often that it didn’t even bother me in the slightest anymore.

The nurse nodded her head in approval. I peered at Sauli from my peripheral. He had a smirk on his face. It disappeared when the nurse turned to him.

“Alright, you two can leave now; he seems just fine,” she said, clearly bored.

We did as were told and left the nurse’s office. The hallways were empty except for the janitor whistling as he mopped the floor in the distance.

I turned to Sauli, “How long was I out for?”

He smirked again, “The entire fucking day. School’s over, man.” He actually missed all of his classes for me. What was with this guy? He continued, “I fucking carried you all the way here. You’re actually quite light. I told the nurse you fainted in biology, since I doubted you’d want her examining you and getting into your space…” He trailed off. His expression changed from amused to solemn. Something was wrong. Why did he assume I didn’t want anyone examining me?

“Well, um, thanks,” I muttered, feeling awkward.

He nodded, but said nothing as we walked out of the school. I was wincing with every step, and I still felt slightly nauseous. I could tell Sauli was uncomfortable, but I just didn’t know why. I glanced at him as I held the exit door open for him. He just stared at the ground, having nothing to say. This was out of character.

Once outside, I immediately turned and blocked Sauli’s path. He was still staring at the ground and didn’t even notice until he slammed into my chest and staggered back a couple of steps. He looked up at me, confused. What an idiot.

“Alright, spit it out,” I insisted, crossing my arms.

Sauli looked away, clearly knowing exactly what I was talking about. He bit his lip nervously.

“Seriously, what’s wrong?” I asked, running my hand through my hair. Yes, look at me, actually showing an act of caring. Well, I couldn’t help it. I owed it to him for helping me.

Sauli turned to me, his eyes nervous, “Why is your stomach covered in bruises?”

I froze. He _saw_ that? My eyes widened. Shit. He raised an eyebrow at me.

“That’s none of your business,” I snapped, a little too harsh. Sauli flinched slightly.

I looked away, annoyed with him and myself. He shouldn’t have seen, and I shouldn’t have asked. Ugh.

Sauli sighed, “I know.” He dropped it. I was grateful for that. “Do you think I could come over to your house today?” He asked.

My head snapped back to him, “ _No,_ ” I said, appalled, and a little too loudly. No, no, no. Worst idea ever.


	17. It's All Smoke And Mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how you guys try to guess what's going to happen next x) Alright, here's another 4 chapters for y'all. Enjooooy <3

Sauli:

I bit my tongue in order to keep myself from asking Adam why I couldn’t come over. He wasn’t going to tell me about the bruises, then fine. I didn’t need to push it any further; he was already getting a little antsy and defensive. But he was right, and it wasn’t any of my business. I couldn’t help but be curious though. It was a blessing and a curse: My curiosity. I needed to think of something that wouldn’t anger him. I didn’t want to regress to where we once were.

Then I remembered when we were in the nurse’s office, I’d heard someone singing. I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming it or it actually happened. It had been a hushed and sorrowful sound. The lyrics had been raw and deep, though I couldn’t remember exactly what they were, dammit. Could it have been Adam? I highly doubted it. I looked over at his defensive and irritated posture, and he was still looking away. It couldn’t have been him. I just couldn’t imagine such a voice coming out of him. But then again, he was chockfull of hidden surprises.

“I should just go,” Adam mumbled. He started to turn away.

“No!” I half yelled. He stopped and turned back to me, looking at me with shock at my outburst. “How about we go to the park?” I suggested quickly. I just didn’t want to leave him yet. I was enjoying spending time with Adam. All the secretiveness aside, he was actually fun to be around. I had no idea if he liked being with me or not.

“Why?” He muttered, still cold and annoyed.

“Because…” I really didn’t have an answer. _Why_ wouldn’t I just let him go home? “…I don’t know…” I admitted, kicking at the ground gently, “But why _not_?” Again, I answered his question with another one.

Adam seemed to think about it for a second, but he looked like he was about to just say no again.

“Please?” I half begged. Adam looked over at me with his brow furrowed, indecisive. “I really don’t want to go home right now. I just… I don’t know, but can you come with me? You owe me.”

Adam sighed, looking up at the sky, probably recalling what I had done for him. It took an entire minute, but I was patient, and eventually, his entire posture relaxed again.

Adam ran his hand through his hair before finally looking back at me with a slight smile—a fucking smile— and replied, “Alright, let’s go.”

The park was only a few minutes away from the school. We passed many students on our way there. Some stared at us, remembering what had happened before in the hall earlier today. But I noticed that as soon as we hit the clearing of the park, away from everyone, Adam’s shoulders immediately relaxed. He really didn’t like to be around people, did he? Not that I really blamed him. He was the outcast. He was either ridiculed or ignored, and why, were stupid reasons. He already was proving my first impression of him wrong. He really wasn’t a bad person, he was just so misunderstood.

Hidden deep inside the park by trees was a little clearing of lush grass with an old, wooden picnic table. It was there for barbecues, and I noticed this when I moved here in the summer and took the time to check out my new neighbourhood, and saw a family making hot dogs and running around playfully. I didn’t think I’d ever been out for a picnic of any sort ever in my life. My parents certainly weren’t very family-oriented. It was quite sad, really. I had missed so many things in my childhood.

We sat down in the grass and I absolutely loved how cold and soft it felt underneath me. Adam sat cross-legged across from me with his hands in his lap, while I sat cross-legged with my hands behind me, supporting my weight as I looked up into the clouds. The smell of a past barbecue still lingered in the air.

I sighed, feeling relaxed. Unlike Adam, I was willing to tell him my story, whether he wanted to hear it or not. “I moved here during the summer,” I said. I noticed Adam look up at me. I kept staring at the sky as I continued, “I spent the entire summer exploring the city, and when I found this little area, I fell in love with it. It’s nice to come here to get away from it all, you know?” I looked at him from the corner of my eye. His head was cocked to the side and he seemed genuinely interested for once.

Well, since he was really listening, I continued, “I know people think my life is probably perfect,” I eyed him, “but it’s really not. No one’s is. But at the end of the day, I want to be happy. That’s the only thing that really matters to me. Money, good fortune, fame, popularity, and whatever, don’t matter to me. It _shouldn’t_ matter. But these days, everyone is so hung up on this bullshit. And you’re expected to have all of that, but if you don’t, that makes you an outsider,” I glanced down once at Adam before continuing,

“But I don’t give a fuck what people think of me. What’s the point of having all of that stuff if you’re still not happy? People are around you for the wrong reasons. People will be drawn to you, but really only for what you have, not who you are. You become surrounded by people who claim to be your friend. It becomes pretty damn lonely. I would much rather be poor, a loser, and _happy,_ than be rich, popular, and yet, completely alone in my own head. This is what I am now. I don’t need any of it. If I could get rid of it all just to escape the loneliness, I would. ”

I looked over at Adam, and he was looking down at his hands now, but I could tell he was really thinking about what I just said.

I went on, “Then, there’s the opposite side of the fence. There are people who avoid me because of what I have. The people who think that just because I have material things, it means that I’m stupid and completely ignorant of the bigger picture, that I think I’m better than everyone else. I know you think that, Adam. But you know what? For the first time, I don’t feel lonely when I’m with you. Knowing that you absolutely hate my wealth, try to avoid me, and make _me_ seek after _you_ makes me realize that right now, you’re here with me for the right reasons.”

I pushed off my position with my hands, and copied Adam’s position, with my hands in my lap. He was still looking down and chipping his nail polish with a blank expression on his face.

“I want you to know the real me. Don’t assume things. That’s why I’ve been around you so much. I want to know you; I don’t want to assume things like everybody else. Tell me about _you_.” I inquired.

Adam looked away, his brow furrowed nervously. What was the matter with him? What could he possibly be hiding that’s so bad? It was ridiculous. What did he think I would do if he told me? I just wanted him to open up a little. I got up onto my knees and moved closer to him, his face was only about a foot away now.

“Please Adam, just tell me,” I practically begged him, “I’m here to listen…”

Adam turned toward me again, our eyes locked, and I felt the jolt of electricity again. But I didn’t look away, I stared hard at him. He didn’t break the eye contact either. I couldn’t describe the look I saw in his eyes. It was almost like he was searching my eyes for something. I guess he couldn’t find whatever he was looking for, because eventually, he sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, as if he was giving in. His breath hit my face and I felt a strange pull, willing me to lean into him. I blinked and backed away, sitting cross-legged again.

Adam stared at the grass for a minute. I sat patiently and waited. He sighed again. “My mother died unexpectedly a few years ago,” He said quietly. I gasped silently. He ignored me and continued. “She died right after I—” He shut his mouth and bit his lip as if he said too much. His eyes looked angry.

Right after he did what? 


	18. What Did I Just Do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whee!

Adam:

I searched Sauli’s eyes, questioning if I could really trust him with my life story. I couldn’t find a hint of deceit in those jaw-dropping blue orbs. He had proved to me that he really wasn’t like everyone else with that little speech he gave me. But to what extent could I really trust him?

I decided to keep it vague, but I really did wish I could just spill everything to this curious boy in front of me, because bottling it all up inside of me wasn’t helping. But that would be stupid of me to be so weak and let go of everything.

“My mother died unexpectedly a few years ago. She died right after I—” I clamped my mouth shut. _Fuck._ First sentence and I screwed everything up already. I just threw myself into the spotlight.

“Adam?” I heard Sauli say. I refused to look up at him, “what did you do?”

Fuck, he wasn’t going to let it go. I stayed quiet.

I just couldn’t do it.

Then I heard a sharp exhale of frustration. I looked up in surprise. Sauli’s face was one of annoyance and anger. I’d never seen him mad before, he was always so peppy and irritating.

“Why do you have to be so goddamn secretive all the time?” Sauli half yelled, clearly exasperated, “What could be so horrible that you don’t want the world to know? And it’s not like you’re telling the world, only me. Look, I’m here, and I care. I don’t know why, but I do. So please, just tell me.”

I stared at him wide-eyed. He cared…

 _Fine._ I was done with this bullshit. I’ll just fucking tell him, and if he reacted badly and hated me for who I really am, then whatever. He could run off and tell everyone. It wouldn’t matter. I would have a pretty kitchen knife waiting for me back at home. He’d just prove me right for thinking he was just like every other asshole in this city, and I would just escape from it all. Permanently.

“Please,” Sauli said quietly, but determined.

I looked up at him, my eyes filled with defeat and uncertainty. Could I really trust him? We’d only just met a little while ago, but he’s done more for me than anyone else had done in years. Sauli stared at me, concentrated. It was now or never. I sighed for the thousandth time today.

“She died right after I,” I paused for a second, giving it one last thought before clenching my fist and forcing it, “came out.” There. I did it.

I squeezed my eyes shut. That was it. I couldn’t believe I just said that. I had promised to keep it to myself forever, but this kid just fucking squeezed it out. Naturally my mind went into panic mode. Sauli was going to scoff and be disgusted. He’d call me a slur, spit on me, leave, and then tell everybody at school. It was a very possible reality. I was going to lose my only potential friend because of something I couldn’t even control. And if that was the case, I would end my life tonight.

I felt a lump in my throat. Everything went silent for a little while. I refused to open my eyes and look at Sauli’s face.

“Adam,” Sauli said quietly, breaking the silence, “Are you gay?” Shit, there it was. I squeezed my eyes tighter and kept my head low. Ugh, what did I just do?

I said nothing. I was terrified. My heart was pounding.

“That’s it? Well, that’s great!” Sauli said cheerfully.

That was like a slap to the face.

Did I hear that right? My eyes snapped open, and I turned to him, my face one of complete and utter shock. Sauli snorted at my reaction and laughed.

Sauli went on, grinning, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Adam. I can’t fathom why you would hide such a huge part of who you are. You have a right to love whoever you want to love, and it’s not like it’s even a choice. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody if you don’t want me to. It’s like…”

He kept talking, but I tuned out of his acceptance speech. I just watched his lips move and got lost in my own thoughts. Acceptance… He was alright with it. I felt a huge weight come off of my shoulders. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Did that really just happen? Did I just come out to Sauli, and he was _happy_ about it? A smile stretched across my face. I just couldn’t believe it. This was impossible. I felt this strange giddiness inside that I couldn’t explain.

I stared at Sauli’s face as he ranted. I was in awe, but soon my smile faded away. I suddenly found a desire for him that made no sense. I wanted to lean in and kiss his full lips in thanks. I froze and suddenly felt sick. The realization of my feelings for him hit me hard that moment: I was starting to fall for Sauli. And there was nothing I could do about it.


	19. Was Not Expecting That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All lyrics belong to Mr. Adam Lambert ;)

Sauli:

 “…So don’t be afraid of who you are, I’ll be here for you until you send me away,” I finished my little acceptance speech and looked over at Adam. He was staring beyond me, his face frozen and pale. “Are you okay?” No reply.

I snapped my fingers in front of his face and he blinked a few times. His eyes refocused on me, and I smiled warmly at him.

“Was that you singing in the nurse’s office earlier?” I blurted, out of nowhere.

He raised an eyebrow at me, and nodded, “Yes.” He answered a question straight-forwardly for once.

I was amazed. “Adam, you can sing?” I asked, “What was that you were singing? It was beautiful.” 

He smiled. “I guess so, and I write things for myself.”

“Can you sing some of it now?”

He looked embarrassed, “No, I don’t like singing in front of people.” 

“You’ve already sang in front of me,” I reminded him. Well, technically, to himself, but I was there, apparently sleeping in the same room, and just happened to hear it. It still counted as singing in front of someone.

“It’s really personal,” He replied, frowning a little. I needed to push his comfort limits.

“I don’t think you can get more personal than your sexuality,” I laughed. 

He looked away. Still so shy about that. He stared at the ground as he opened his mouth. 

“ _Strip away the flesh and bone,”_ Adam sang. It sounded more like a whisper; barely audible. He peered up at me, checking my reaction before I gestured to him to continue. He played with the grass. 

“ _Look beyond the lies you’ve known.”_ I was straining to hear him.

The look in his eyes changed, turning darker than before.

“ _Everybody wants to talk about a freak,”_ He sang, louder now. “ _No one wants dig that deep. Let me take you underneath.”_

I found myself suddenly on the verge of tears at the silky beauty of his voice. He stopped and peered up at me again. 

“No, no, no. Keep going, don’t stop,” I asked, trying not to sound desperate and failing. 

“ _Baby, better watch your step. Never mind what’s on the left,”_ he crooned.

He looked up once again at me, but this time, his gaze pierced directly into my eyes, singing to me, “ _You’re gonna see things you might not wanna see, still not that easy for me underneath.”_

Adam looked up to the sky, and just belted, “ _A red river of screams, underneath, tears in my eyes, underneath, stars in my black and blue sky. And underneath, under my skin, underneath, the depths of my sin,”_ His pained eyes went to mine, “ _Look at me… Now do you see?”_

He paused for a moment. 

“Please, don’t stop,” I half begged.

Adam nodded, sighing quietly. I would kill to know what was going through his head right now as he sang this. 

He continued, staring at me intently the whole time, “ _Welcome to my world of truth. I don’t wanna hide any part of me from you. I’m standing here with no apologies. Such a beautiful release; you inside of me…”_ He trailed off when he noticed my moist eyes and expression.

“Are you alright? What’s the matter?” Adam asked quietly.

I was taken aback. I didn’t expect his voice to be so… beyond words. It was tender and heart-breaking. He sang every note on point. He put so much emotion behind the little A Capella ballad. The gorgeous, raw notes he hit… it made me want to cry. Why was this man hiding his talent?

 “Adam… wow.” I was speechless and choked up.

The corner of his mouth lifted slightly. Those lyrics… I could feel his pain through them.

“I’m sorry,” I said shakily, meaning it. Those lyrics gave me a tiny glimpse of his world in a way words never could. Even though I didn’t know the cause, I could still feel his agony through his singing. 

Adam’s lip quivered. My words clearly had a stronger impact on him than I thought. I shuffled next to him, sitting hip to hip, and carefully wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him to me, not even thinking about what I was doing. Adam stiffened slightly for a moment, surprised at my forwardness, before relaxing. He buried his face into the crook of my neck as I hugged him, just like he did with my hand earlier. I doubted he even realized he was doing it. I guessed it was a feeling of security. I felt Adam’s arms rise gently, as if he was going to wrap them around my waist, but then he dropped his arms again. His face was still buried in my neck. I held him tighter.

I was happy that I got Adam to open up a little. The dark, looming figure that stalked the halls and was apparently so terrifying was here right now, and I was hugging him. His head buried into me like I was his pillow. He was completely vulnerable right now. He really was completely troubled on the inside. And he still wasn’t sure about me, and I sense it just from the way he hesitated to hug me. When was the last time he actually hugged someone? I knew there was more he wasn’t telling me, but at least I was making progress with him. 

Adam relaxed tremendously, and exhaled his deep intake of air on my neck and I shivered from the sensation of his cool breath. I was shocked by my body’s reaction. I had liked that. 

Adam was gay, that much I had miraculously gotten out of him, but I wasn’t. At least, I didn’t think I was, right? I was a pretty-opened minded person, but I didn’t have any romantic feelings for Adam. I was trying to comfort him like any good friend would when they realize the struggle the other was going through.

I was straight. I’ve had girlfriends, I liked vagina. I’d never had sexual thoughts for men before and I wasn’t planning to start now. I was heterosexual, and I was sure of it.


	20. Did Anything Really Change?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adam <3

Adam:

After my time at the park with Sauli, I went home feeling lighter and strangely less depressed than ever, only to find my father waiting for me again. The very first thing he did within the first half hour I was home was punch me right in the jaw, the impact sent me flying into the wall. A sharp stabbing pain vibrated through my jaw. My other injuries yelled out at me for being so careless. Eber pulled my hair and jerked my head at the wall again. I felt my vision blur, and there was a ringing in my ears.

I wished I could fight back. I wished more than anything to give him a taste of his own medicine. But Eber purposefully never let me heal enough to have the strength and energy to fight him off. Every time I started to get better, he would pummel me back down to where I had been earlier, or _worse._

After Eber finally decided he was done with me, he finally left the house again. I was left wheezing on my knees and that’s when reality came crashing down on me. I realized that nothing had really changed for me. Except now I had a crush on this straight boy who knew I was gay.

It had been a mistake to go to the park with Sauli. I didn’t really know why, I just knew I both regretted it and didn’t.

I limped over to my bedroom, fell on my bed and just cried. I cried out of frustration of having to be different. Why couldn’t I be like everyone else? Why did I have to be born gay? It’s a life of misery. I wouldn’t be beaten nearly to death everyday if I wasn’t gay. Why hadn’t I just kept that stupid fucking fact a secret? I could have easily lived my life pretending to be straight. Of course I’d never be happy if I ended up marrying a woman, but my situation right now was a lot worse, and I’d take a life of lies over this any day.

The numbness faded, and the rage of my injuries kicked in. I hadn’t given my body any proper time to heal, and now it was taking its toll. My entire body was aching and shrieking with agony. I bit into my pillow to hold back my screams.

The way Eber had left told me he wasn’t coming back for a while. I needed to fucking heal or else I was going to die. I wouldn’t be able to go to school for a while. And that saddened me, knowing I wouldn’t see Sauli for a while. I couldn’t risk letting him see me like this. That boy was a curious son of bitch. And I couldn’t risk letting him know about Eber. You know what they say: Curiosity killed the cat.

I realized Eber wasn’t home and just let it out. I screamed into my pillow with grief and broke down. Pain, suffering, and frustration: That was my life.


	21. A Clear Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know, I didn't update yesterday. Shoot me x) Sorry, my cousins had arrived from Sweden and we---aaaand None of you care. xD To make it up to you, I have six chapters ready to go today :)

Sauli: 

Five days passed and Adam didn’t show up at school.

I was starting to get paranoid and worried. I didn’t understand why I had this concern for Adam, but it couldn’t be helped and it was irritating. I was like this overreacting mother when it came to Adam. I couldn’t call him and I didn’t know where he lived. I had no way of knowing if he was alright.

I conjured up all sorts of ridiculous scenarios: What if he finally cracked and killed himself? What if he got hit by a car? What if he had caught a terrible flu and was withering away to nothing? I mentally scolded myself for giving such a damn. Adam was a grown boy; he could take care of himself.

Sure, if Adam had once hated me, he certainly didn’t now, but it’s not like we were two peas in a pod. I knew more about him than anyone else, and yet, I barely knew anything about the guy. He was ridiculously introverted. Getting him to come out to me was astonishing. I had actually been surprised when it turned out that he _was_ indeed gay, but I was glad he told me. It may have been the only step we’ve taken, but it was a huge one. 

Why was I making such an effort? Why was I trying so hard to break open this man’s mind? Was it because he was a rather fascinating character? No. That wasn’t it. I just couldn’t give a reason for it. I just _needed_ to know more about him. I was drawn to him like a mathematician offered a complex equation. It didn’t matter anyway. I was just glad he trusted me enough to be considered friends.

It was now lunchtime on Friday. The group and I were outside enjoying the sunshine. Even though I hadn’t even apologized nor had any intention to, Alex had forgiven me quite easily for punching him. Not that I actually cared if he never spoke to me again. 

It was a much cooler day than when I had lunch with Adam. I wasn’t sweating like a sumo wrestler wrapped in an electric blanket. But I wasn’t even paying attention to the weather or what my friends were talking about. I was completely zoned out. My mind was fixated on Adam, and it was really starting to annoy me, because I couldn’t focus on anything else. Like, get him out of your head, man! It’s strange for you to be thinking about another guy so much. I seriously hoped he was alright though…

“Sauli?” A voice demanded my attention. I refocused and turned to see Dakota sitting next to me on the picnic table with a nervous expression on her sun-kissed face. “Did you hear me?” 

I shook my head. “Sorry, no,” I muttered, smiling apologetically at her. “I was deep in thought.” 

“What were you thinking about?” She asked, fiddling with her fingers.

I lied, “Uh, just that exam in Bio.” Or you know, just thinking obsessively about the misunderstood kid that lurked around the school in his own little bubble. I decided to leave that out. 

She nodded in understanding. Her eyes were wide with agreement. That test may have been hard for everyone else, but it had been totally mild for me, even though I had no time to study.

“What were you saying?” I asked, trying to seem like I was interested in what she had to say. I actually liked Dakota a lot more than Alex or any of the other people. She was the least idiotic.

She bit her plump, glossed lip and tried again, “I asked if you wanted to go out with me.” She looked down nervously, kicking at the ground gently with her sandaled foot.

I wasn’t expecting that. Did she really just ask me out? I pondered it for a second.

A part of me was screaming, _No, no, no!_

I ignored the voice in my head, and turned on the Sauli charm. I grinned at her, “Of course.”

Her head whipped up and she beamed at me. She squealed in delight and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back, forcing a smile on my face.

Why was there a slight feeling of regret inside me? Sauli, come on. You _want_ to date her. She’s gorgeous and perfectly kind to you… 

But that didn’t necessarily mean I had feelings for her. 

I didn’t know why I agreed to date her, I wasn’t actually interested in her, though my deep subconscious was nagging at me that it was to prove to myself that I was straight and that I actually had a life. I could grow to like her, surely. This was a great decision, and for my own good. I needed to refocus on my own social life again. I was horribly imbalanced since Adam came into my life. He was taking up all of my time. Not that it was actually _his_ fault, since I was the one who never left the poor guy alone.

During English class, I sat in Adam’s empty desk again. I still couldn’t focus on anything else, and I spent the entire class just reading everything he’d scratched into the desk. I figured it was him who had scratched everything into the desk, since he claimed it belonged to him, his name was engraved into it, and he carried a pocket knife around for “entertainment”. I needed to get rid of that knife before he actually ended up hurting somebody by accident or not.

The things that were scratched into the desk were quite depressing. “Hopeless” and “silence” I had seen the first time I sat here, but there was one I hadn’t seen before. The word “love” had been etched into the corner. The word wasn’t curly and happy like he was actually in love. It seemed like it was scratched into the desk aggressively, like he doubted there was such a thing. What on Earth was Adam talking about? I felt a twinge of sadness. There was much more he still wasn’t telling me.


	22. Her? Why Not Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking Dakota... xD

Adam:

It took over an entire week, but I was finally okay enough to head back to school. Eber hadn’t come home the whole time. I had no clue where he went and I really didn’t give half a shit. I was glad he’d disappeared for that extended length of time because I was given a chance to heal, if only a little. It was a sweet rarity when Eber left for long periods of time. It meant I could have peace for a few moments. Unfortunately, he came back last night, and passed out drunk on the couch, which meant that there was no fucking way I could stay home the next day and not be attacked. At least I wasn’t limping so obviously on my way to school.

I was so anxious to see Sauli again, I was genuinely afraid he had told the whole school my secret. I spent the week angrily regretting letting him know so much. I had yelled at myself for trusting him even a little after promising myself I wouldn’t. He could easily tell everyone. It may not even be intentionally to harm me, but no one other than him was accepting of my “situation”. I expected a crowd holding eggs waiting for me.

But when I arrived on the lot, what I saw was worse than people throwing eggs at me. Sauli was standing by the picnic tables, and holding _Dakota Fairwright’s_ fucking hand. What the hell happened in the one week and a couple days I was gone? From the distance, I watched in horror as Dakota reached up, wrapped her hands around Sauli’s neck, and kissed him. _No._ I thought I saw tongue. I felt sick. Sauli was kissing her back so eagerly. My fists clenched. My nostrils flared. I was in silent rage. 

I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t jealous, but even that lie was embarrassingly exposed through my body’s reaction as Dakota held Sauli’s hand again and started swinging their joined hands back and forth. I couldn’t help but think that I should be her right now. I mentally shot myself in the face for that thought. If I was jealous, it would only mean more heartbreak for me. What was I doing, liking a guy like him? It’s like I was asking for the disappointment. I was such an idiot.

Sauli then turned around, his eyes brightening in shock when he saw me from across the courtyard. He dropped Dakota’s hand and waved at me excitedly. That fucker. I glared at the back of his head as he turned to say something to Dakota. Her eyes flickered over to me and her face turned into one of annoyance. Sauli turned back around and ran across the entire courtyard to me. 

“Hey!” Sauli yelled as he pranced over to me. I just stared, not moving, and ignored the lump in my throat. He nearly tackled me with his hug. His arms wrapped around me in a too friendly, crushing embrace. He laughed. I stood frozen, not making a move, not knowing what to do. A part of me wanted to hold him to me and claim him as mine, but another part of me wanted to shove him off and punch his face in. So, I did nothing. I was still literally shaking with emotions. Sauli noticed my tension and let go.

“Where have you been this whole time?” He asked with a smile in his voice as he stepped back.

I was about to answer with some pathetic excuse but was rudely interrupted by Dakota running up and wrapping her arm around Sauli’s waist. She kissed him on the cheek and Sauli smiled sheepishly at me. My stomach churned. I felt like breaking something.

She looked up at me and gave me a dirty look, then back at Sauli with a sickening smile. Sauli obviously didn’t realized how ridiculously cheap she was. The fake sweetness in her voice made me want to puke as she said, “Come back to our table, it’s just gross over here.” Her eyes flickered toward me again. 

I shot daggers at her with my eyes. I wanted to tear her limb from limb. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry. Not just stopping here. Will upload more chapters throughout the day. 2 down, 4 to go. ;)


	23. Dinner For Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's number 3 :)

Sauli:

Dakota asked me to come back to our table, and I noticed the menacing look that Adam was giving her. Thank goodness she didn’t see it, she would have been terrified. Adam wasn’t jealous, was he? He seemed hostile today, more so than usual. I felt him shaking when I hugged him, and he didn’t bother returning the gesture. Something was obviously very wrong here.

“Dakota, I’ll be there in a minute, okay?” I said gently to her.

Dakota rolled her eyes and strutted away, purposely swiveling her hips with every step. That girl was a piece of work. My brow furrowed with concern as I looked back at Adam, whose fists weren’t clenched anymore. I sighed. He always seemed so much more relaxed when it was just us.

“So,” Adam said stiffly, “You and Dakota?”

I sighed again, “Yeah, she asked me out a few days ago.”

Adam’s hand twitched, but his face was unreadable.

What was up with him today? I had to know. My annoying curiosity was in overdrive right now. I needed to know exactly what happened in the time that he was gone. But I couldn’t interrogate him here, there were way too many people around so there was no way Adam would tell me anything. I had to get him alone again.

“Anyway,” I rambled, “I wanted to invite you over to my house tonight for dinner. We can watch a movie together and just chill.”

Adam’s blank mask cracked. He seemed completely unprepared for what I had just said. He bit his lip and chipped his nail polish as he fiddled with his hand.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” He said quietly in that velvety voice of his.

“Why not? I can practically hear your stomach growl,” I joked. “You’re a big boy; you need to eat way more.”

Adam didn’t say anything for a minute. I guessed he was actually considering it. He looked down, to the side, and even over my shoulder. Everywhere but at me. He didn’t look directly at me once during this entire encounter. It could not take this long to decide whether or not to come over to my house. Something else was definitely on his mind.

Finally, he glanced at me from underneath those long lashes of his.

His tone and mood did a strange one-eighty. “Okay. What’s for dinner?” Adam smiled. I could tell it was all forced for my sake.

We arrived at my house and I laughed at Adam’s shocked expression. He was standing by the front door, gaping at the intricately decorated stone walls. His head was tilted up as if he were staring at a castle. My house was only two stories tall. Sure, I guess it could be considered big with the lot size, but I explained to Adam that my old house in Finland was much bigger. He raised his eyebrows at that.

My parents were waiting for us when we arrived. I had called them before we arrived, and let them know we were coming. I had a feeling this would not be very easy-going and casual. My parents were dressed in their usual formal attire. My father had his blond hair slicked back neatly, and he wore a tan vest and red, silk tie. My mother had her bronze hair in tight curls, and wore a fitted, maroon, work dress. They looked like a couple of characters yanked out from a fifties movie. I noticed Adam was very tense and obviously uncomfortable as we entered the house. My parents’ eyes bulged when they looked at Adam next to me.

There was a moment of awkward silence. It was amazing how opposite Adam was from my folks. It was like there was a barrier that didn’t allow them to meet, like two magnets repelling each other. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. The disapproval from my parents was dancing around me.

My father cleared his throat, breaking the silence, but not the tension. “It’s nice to meet you… Adam,” my dad said in a gruff voice. He was trying to be civil. He shook hands very firmly with Adam. It was obvious that he already disliked Adam just based on how he looked. I knew Adam could tell too. I shook my head slightly in shame and disbelief.

“Likewise, sir,” Adam replied quietly, trying to be polite.

As they shook hands, I noticed my mother’s shocked expression. I followed her gaze which was resting on Adam’s hand. Ah, so she noticed the black nail polish. I had actually grown to love his nail polish. It was a part of the individual that Adam was.

We ate dinner in silence. Everyone was busy with their plate full of roast beef with gravy and seasoned potatoes. Adam had his eyes fixated on his plate and was quietly scarfing down his food. He was nearly inhaling the beef. My parents didn’t seem to notice how Adam was attacking the plate in silence like a starving wolf. Why the hell was he so hungry? The last time he probably ate was only a few hours ago, but he had this longing and sparkle in his eyes like a blind man seeing the sun.

He was completely ignoring me and my parents. I didn’t blame him one bit. I had to tear my eyes away from the hungry beast and focus on my own potatoes.

You could slice the tension in the air with a knife. No one said a word. I would glance up occasionally only to catch my parents taking peeks at Adam, and they looked annoyed each time. They were really pissing me off. They obviously didn’t like Adam, but did they have to be so rude and make it look obvious to Adam too? They didn’t approve of my friend choice, and honestly, I didn’t really give a fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 down, 3 to go :)


	24. What Are We Even Watching?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Numero four-o................................ xD

Adam: 

After that extremely uncomfortable and awkward dinner, Sauli’s parents left to go to a conference. I had felt like shoving off of my chair and yelling at his parents. The way they looked at me… It was ridiculous. They knew absolutely shit nothing about me and had the nerve to look at me like I was some sort of criminal. They hated me, and I could tell. They made it obvious enough. It didn’t matter though. Many people hated me for no good reason. I was used to the bullshit the world threw at me. 

The roast beef itself was heavenly. It took all my willpower not to just moan aloud with every savory bite. I was almost teary-eyed just chewing the juicy meat. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was. The moment the mouth-watering aroma of the meal hit me, my stomach screamed at me to eat. So I did, and it was extraordinary. 

I was still struggling to keep my jaw from dropping from the sight of Sauli’s ultra-modern, huge house. I had been underestimating him when I thought he was rich. This was much more ridiculous than I had first imagined. His room, however, did manage to completely shock me. Sauli’s room had a movie room, bathroom, _and_ a bedroom. It was almost bigger than my entire crappy house. The movie room was awesome. It was ultra-modern, just like the rest of his house. There was a long, sleek, black velvet couch in front of a huge screen TV with surround sound. There were funky lights circling the entire room, and there was even a white rug by the couch to bring the room together. I was nearly drooling at the sight. The most expensive thing I owned was that fake leather jacket which was now completely ruined via my own blood. I had no electronic gadgets or luxury items. 

Sauli waved his hand in front of my face to snap me back to reality. This was happening too often.

“My room is completely soundproofed,” Sauli said as he pulled my awed body over to the velvet couch by the hem of my jacket. “So it doesn’t matter how loud we turn up the movie.” He plopped down on the couch, obviously not realizing how lucky he was to have all of this.

Sauli put on some horror film I’d never even heard of. He thought I would like this genre, which I really didn’t. Gore grossed me out, but horror movies never actually scared me even the slightest bit, since my life was like one sometimes. I guess you could say I was kind of used to it. I sat down next to him, carefully and slowly, not wanting to damage the couch in any way. I was pathetic. He turned the movie on and turned up the volume. The eerie intro music filled the room and completely surrounded us.

About half an hour into the crappy, grotesque movie, Sauli flinched and moved closer to me when the killer suddenly popped out from nowhere and cut some girl up. Was he really scared of this? I was sitting here and watching it like it was a documentary about cells. I didn’t care much for the movie at all. I was just enjoying sitting next to Sauli and the moment of having him this close to me. The movie was obviously out of date, because it was beyond fake-looking at times. I fought the urge to just turn it off, cuddle Sauli, and stroke his hair. There was nothing more I wanted right now. But of course, I couldn’t do that… for various obvious reasons.

The pace of the movie slowed down tremendously and it became incredibly boring. I felt really sleepy, and my eyes were struggling to stay open. After blinking slowly a couple of times, I felt a slight weight fall onto my shoulder. I glanced over and realized that Sauli had actually fallen asleep on my shoulder. I felt his head shift slightly as his chest lifted with every quiet breath. I smiled to myself, enjoying the moment. I resisted resting my head on his, even though it was hard to do so since I was so tired.

Ugh, but I had to do something. When was I ever going to get another chance like this? 

Slowly, extremely slowly, I tentatively moved my hand closer to his head. I stopped every other second to make sure Sauli wasn’t going to wake up and notice. My fingertips grazed his hair and I froze, waiting for him to wake up. He didn’t; he was completely out. I stroked wisps of his hair gently with my fingers, brushing a few strands away from his face. I was mesmerized by how feather-soft his hair was. I felt content, and continued stroking his hair until I couldn’t avoid the wave of sleep that washed over me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more :D


	25. That Jacket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5....ooh, Sauli's getting pissed.

Sauli:

I jolted when I heard an ear-piercing shriek of terror. I frantically looked around, my heart thrashing in my chest. My eyes adjusted and I sighed. I chuckled quietly to myself after a minute and calmed down as I recalled where I was. The main girl in the idiotic movie that had just been killed was the source of that shriek.

I must have fallen asleep. My sleepy haze wore off and that’s when I realized that I was cuddling Adam’s arm and resting my head on his shoulder. He didn’t shove me off?

I quietly pulled away and turned off the stupid movie. I felt a sense of relief when the annoying noises of the movie were suddenly cut off and the room fell silent, except for the soft breathing coming from Adam. I looked back at Adam and smiled when I saw his slumbering body. He looked so wonderfully peaceful again. I wished he would always look like that. Right there was the face of a regular boy; a face not hidden by a stoic mask. His was beautifully calm. His chest rose and fell as he breathed, and his soft lips were slightly parted. I briefly wondered what it would be like to take those lips with my own and— I buried the thought.

I really wanted to just sit there and watch him sleep, but I didn’t. That would be creepy. What if he woke up and caught me staring at him? It was out of the question. He was out like a light, but I couldn’t just let him sleep until morning. My parents would never allow it.

I did notice him shift uncomfortably in his sleep. It was that stupid jacket. Why didn’t he take it off when he came into the house? Then I realized he was _always_ wearing some sort of coat. I grew suspicious of how clothed he was. I recalled when I had seen the purple bruises all over his abdomen. A beating from a jock like Alex couldn’t have caused them, especially since I stepped in so quickly. Was he… was Adam trying to cover something up?

I sighed and gently tapped his shoulder, whispering his name. His eyes opened slowly, seemingly filled with confusion. He looked over at me and his big blue eyes cleared.

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Well, did you enjoy the movie?” I asked, grinning.

The most shocking and unexpected thing happened. A beautiful sound escaped Adam’s mouth. Something I’d never heard before. Something I thought didn’t exist within him. Something I was instantly addicted to.

Adam laughed.

It was short, much too short, but gorgeously musical and light. I gaped at him with wide eyes.

But Adam wasn’t looking at me; he was looking off to the side, his eyes wide as well, like he was surprised at his reaction. He quickly looked down and distracted himself by adjusting his jacket and he looked rather uncomfortable wearing it. It made no sense as to why he didn’t just take it off. It was much too hot in here for that. I was just wearing a grey t-shirt and sweatpants. Then I recalled my earlier suspicion. My wide eyes narrowed slightly. I turned, facing him completely.

“Why do you always wear those jackets? Even when it’s boiling hot out, you’re wearing one,” I said innocently. “Just take it off.”

Adam didn’t look at me as he spoke. “No, I’m fine,” He said stiffly, pulling the jacket tighter. How the hell had he not overheated in that thing yet?

“Come on,” I said, annoyed. I grasped the collar of his jacket and tried to pull it off. Adam shoved my hands away and turned completely toward me, looking angry.

“No,” he repeated, much harsher and louder now.

He could be as hostile as he wanted. I didn’t care. I rolled my eyes in frustration and glared at him, making a disapproving sound.

“You are beyond absurd,” I hissed at him, using a tone he’d never heard before. Adam’s expression morphed into one of surprise and mostly hurt. “Fucking take it off!”

“Would you let it go?” Adam nagged at me, and threw his hands up irritably. No. I would not let it go.

“You leave me no choice then,” I hissed again.

With a loud, exasperated sigh, I leaped forward and actually shoved Adam off the couch. He hit the ground, landing on his back with a thud, and groaned in pain.

His head snapped back toward me, “What the hell?!”

Before Adam could make a move to get back onto his feet, I jumped off the couch and tackled him.

Adam yelled out in objection and struggled to shove me off, but I quickly straddled his hips and pinned his arms down. There was no escape.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He protested angrily, squirming and convulsing under me, trying to break free, but to no avail. I kept him locked in place. He didn’t take any notice of how futile his struggling was, but he didn’t stop. He was freaking out like his life depended on it. All this for a jacket?

“Just stop!” I barked at Adam. He suddenly froze and stared at me, looking terrified in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more ;)


	26. Could I Disappear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for today. Reviews are fuel. <3

Adam:

My worst nightmare was coming true.

I was shocked and pissed when I suddenly found myself on the ground with Sauli straddling me, pinning me down at his mercy. I could _easily_ overpower him any day, but I failed miserably trying to throw him off of me. My injuries still hadn’t healed completely and had weakened me greatly. I just couldn’t fight back properly, but I still tried. I just couldn’t let him see my suffering. Why did it matter so much to him? Why couldn’t he just let me be? The determination was apparent on his face. I had no way out of this.

“Just stop!” Sauli barked at me. I froze and stared at him for a moment. He had never yelled at me like that. It hurt, seeing him so angry with me.

I realized what was about to happen and I panicked mentally. I was shaking, feeling completely helpless. I was entirely drained of any energy left to try to fight him off. I was exhausted from my panicking. I felt a huge lump in my throat as it sunk in that I just couldn’t stop him.

I gave up. I surrendered. There was nothing I could do except lie there and take it. Let him see the truth. Maybe he’d realized that he shouldn’t get involved and he’d leave me alone.

But did I want him to?

The lump in my throat became unbearable. My eyes were moistening and I refused to look at him.

I was panting in exhaustion as Sauli let go of his pinning grip on my arms and somehow managed to quickly pull my arms out of my sleeves. They felt like noodles from being so weakened. He didn’t bother pinning me down again. My arms flopped down next to my sides. What a terrible day to be wearing a wife beater.

Everything I had tried to keep secret for so long was out in the open. And I didn’t have the strength to do anything about it. All of my wounds, scars, and bruises were exposed.

I heard Sauli gasp sharply.

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the tears overflow. Could I just disappear forever?

“What… is all… this?” Sauli breathed, his voice agonized.

I said nothing. I just kept my eyes shut and cried silently, letting the tears spill out of my closed eyes, run down my cheeks, and soak into my jacket underneath me. I felt so helpless and ruined. It was over for me. What now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHA. I'M AN ASS. LEAVING YOU HERE.


	27. Broken Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a heavy one.......

Sauli:

I sat on top of Adam in absolute shock. I felt sick. It was horrifying to see him like this. The entire lengths of Adam’s arms were covered in bruises. They were like giant splotches all over him, and most were a fresh purple. But what was stomach-wrenchingly terrifying were the scars crisscrossing down his entire arms. Some of the cuts were alarmingly deep.

I shakily, but gently reached down and picked up Adam’s tense and quivering arm in my hands, while trying to avoid contact with any sort of wound. I stared at the gashes while trying to choke back tears. I couldn’t believe it.

“W—what happened?” I yelled at him, which really wasn’t helping the situation. “Did you do all this?!”

I let go of his arm, which fell limply to the ground. Adam winced when his arm smacked the floor. I looked down at his tortured-looking face: It was scrunched up, and his eyes were squeezed shut, like he was trying to wake up from a nightmare. His clenched eyes had tears flowing out the sides and onto the floor. My mouth went dry at the sight of Adam _crying._ He completely shut down.

I suddenly felt horrible for forcing him into this. I just wasn’t patient enough and let my own curiosity take over. But at what cost? The way Adam was unresponsive right now made my heart break. I’m so sorry.

My own eyes filled with tears. Adam had been through so much emotional damage that it led him to harm himself, and the entire time I had no fucking idea it was this bad. Each cut, each giant gash along his arm held a story. It was right under my nose the whole time. The scars I understood, but where were the bruises covering the majority of his body from? I felt my stomach twist. I probably didn’t want to know the answer to that.

I quickly climbed off of Adam, realizing that trapping him underneath me was the worst thing I did. Who knew, maybe someone else had done something like that to him, but many times worse and with different intentions. Adam was still frozen in the same position, tense and shaking. I moved next to him, and gently held onto his torso, pulling him upright into a sitting position. He just let me do it. He was like a ragdoll right now. I embraced him tightly, with one hand holding his head to my chest and the other wrapped completely wrapped around his back, pressing him to me.

“I… am _so_ sorry,” I whispered into his ear.

The apologetic hug seemed to crack him.

With a loud sob, Adam just let go. He grabbed fistfuls of my shirt and bawled into my chest. I didn’t say anything. I was much too ashamed of myself. Look at what I just did to him: I tore him open without him being ready for it.

I just let Adam open up his bottled emotions, and release all his pain through his convulsive crying. His head was buried into my chest as he wept, and my chin was resting on his soft hair. My legs were spread out in front of me, and his were too, next to me, going the opposite way. We were joined at the hips. Adam inhaled shaky, croaking breaths between sobs, and I felt my own tears spill.

He was completely breaking down. It was like Adam’s hidden pain and suffering had been stacked in an unstable pyramid and my insensitive prodding caused it all to topple down. I felt so guilty. His sobs were tortured and he was literally shaking violently in my arms. My shirt was soaked with his river of tears and I didn’t give a flying fuck.

I didn’t know how long he cried for. It seemed like it was years. His sobs sounded like the most tortured cries for help. I could almost feel his agony rippling from his body. When his erratic breaths calmed down a little, I gently pushed Adam away by his shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

He was still clenching my shirt like it was a lifeline.

His eyes were a liquid blue now, surrounded by red and puffiness. His tears had left black tracks in his face from his eyeliner, and he just looked so human and vulnerable. His lips were parted as he panted softly from the sobbing. Tears were still spilling. I sadly wondered what goes going through his mind right now. Was he ashamed for falling apart? Was he glad I caught him?

“Promise me that you will never do this again,” I said quietly, but sternly, looking straight into his eyes, which were about a foot away. I ignored the electric shock that ran through me. For once, his eyes didn’t seem dead and cold. They were a clear blue and I gazed deeply into his releasing soul. It was like all the clutter of affliction that had been fogging up his eyes had been washed out by his tears. Even his presence felt different. I smiled sadly at him.

Adam said nothing, and he just stared at his shaky grip on my shirt. I sighed, not willing to push him anymore.

“Can you please tell me what is going on?” I asked sincerely.

Adam let go of my shirt and sat back, sniffling, wiping his beautiful eyes and smudging the eyeliner even more.

With a deep, shaky breath, he just let go. He didn’t protest or shut down.

“Shortly after I came out to my p-parents,” He said quietly, his voice hoarse and cracking, “My mother died only a few days later. The news had made her depressed. She was found d-dead in the kitchen, apparently overdosed purposely on drugs. I was agonized. Even though she never accepted who I am, I still loved her. M-my father blamed me for my mother’s death, saying that I caused her to suicide. He started drinking excessively and began to truly hate me. And after a while of constant reminders, I started believing that it was my fault she was gone, that my sexuality had hurt someone so bad that they actually killed themself. From that day on, my father never stopped trying to tear me down, never stopped trying to make me feel like I was less than nothing. The sad thing is… I believed him, and still do.”

He glanced up at me, before continuing shakily, “He could never look at me without d-disgust plastered on his face. He ignored me as best as he could for a while,” He paused, taking in a deep breath as he admitted the rest of it, “Then the beatings started. At first it was more just slaps and verbal shit, but it’s come to the point where he’s merciless and b-broken my bones. I get punched countless times, k-k-kicked severely, knocked down, stomped on, hit by a bat, and sometimes I get beer bottles smashed onto my head,” Adam said all this as if he were talking about the weather; very matter-of-fact, whereas my jaw had dropped in disbelief.

“A couple times he’s even come at me with a knife. All this just because I’m gay,” His voice cracked on that last word. “Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t even make it to school, I can barely move with being in excruciating pain. I can’t do anything about it though. I can’t run away because I have nowhere to go. I don’t have friends to stay with, or family to go to. I can’t call the police because we don’t have a home phone. There’s only one phone and it’s in his pocket. I can’t go find help. He’ll hunt me down and kill me before he’s sent to jail, so what good would that do?”

He was barely audible now, “I don’t know… _why_ he keeps me alive, even if just barely at times. He could easily get rid of me and no one would notice. Perhaps I’m just his little outlet toy for his frustrations.”

He smiled for this last part, as if looking forward to it, “I don’t have the will to kill myself, not yet anyway. Eventually though, my body or mind won’t be able to handle the damage and will cave in. Then, and only then, will I be free.” _No._ I will _never_ let him kill himself.

“And this,” he cracked, holding up his lacerated arms. “This eases the pain.” I wanted cry my eyes out.

I was just beyond speechless. I wasn’t expecting anything that bad.

Then I was in rage at myself, remembering that entire week of school that Adam had missed. That entire time I had been flirting with some bitch I didn’t even like while Adam had been struggling to hold onto life. I was so shallow. I was disgusted with myself. I spent all that time with some girl just to prove to myself something that’s not even true.

I realized what I’d just admitted in my head. I may not necessarily like guys, but Adam was different to me. I had feelings for him that were new to me. I’d shied away from them, trying to convince myself I wasn’t gay. But right now… it just didn’t matter to me anymore what he was. I was shocked at my own revelation.

 I paled, slowly looking up at Adam, who was staring at his lap, waiting for me to say something. I couldn’t trust my voice right now, though. My eyes roamed his body and landed on his battered arms, and I winced, making a little squeak sound.

Adam heard it and looked up, and our eyes locked again. I felt another jolt of strange electricity run through me, and I finally realized what that was. Attraction and chemistry. I was falling for a person, not a gender. I was falling for Adam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me your thoughts on this chapter :)


	28. Weightless?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do see every comment and love all of them :) Thanks for following this story so far.

Adam:

I heard Sauli squeak and I looked up at him, only to see his face paler than ever and tears were streaming out of his eyes. My eyes widened in awe. I just told Sauli everything, and he was crying. It hurt me to see him cry, more than it should have. I just wanted to make him stop.

“…I’m sorry,” I said, scooting over to sit next to him, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him close without giving it a second thought. He rested his head on my shoulder. I didn’t even care if it was weird to hold him like this. I was so fucking sick of being so bottled up. I was sick of never opening up. For once in my life, I felt light and free. I felt strange, but a good strange, almost… weightless? Surely, I could trust this one person who’s been nothing but beyond to me.

I flinched when I felt a sensation on my scarred arm. I looked down to see Sauli stroking a scar on my arm that was wrapped across his chest. I felt sadness run through me. I was feeling worse for him for having to see these things than for myself for having them.

Sauli looked up at me, his face resigned and solemn.

“Please,” He whispered, much softer, “Don’t do this to yourself anymore.”

I thought about that for a minute. Did I really need to anymore? Sauli seemed to ease the pain more effectively than the cutting.

Sauli sighed and started trying to pull away from me. I instantly, but reluctantly dropped my arms. He scooted over and climbed back onto the couch. I stayed on the ground and watched him until he patted the spot next to him, inviting me up.

I paused for a moment, and then slowly pulled myself to my feet. My legs felt wobbly and I was weirdly off-balance. I looked down at my jacket, frowning at it. I bent over to pick it up, but Sauli grunted and when I looked over at him, he shook his head.

I straightened up and sat next to Sauli. It was quiet for a minute, neither of us knowing what to say. I stared at my still shaking hands and waited for him to break the silence, and thankfully, he did.

“May I?” Sauli asked quietly, gesturing to my arm. I fought the urge to scream no and hide in my jacket.

I slowly lifted my arm and Sauli gently took it, one hand holding my wrist and the other holding up my elbow. I curled my fingers in, making a tense fist. I breathed deeply, trying to get used to someone touching my wounds and _not_ hurting me.

“Adam,” Sauli called. I looked over in time to see him poking a bruise. “Relax.” I winced, and inhaled.

Sauli noticed and apologized. He held onto my wrist and used the other hand to stroke my arm. His fingertips barely swept over my arm, like feathers. It felt amazing. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the comforting touch. Too soon, he stopped and dropped my arm.

“Adam,” He called again. The intent was different in his eyes. “Let me help you.”

I gulped, already knowing exactly what he was about to say, “With what?”

“With your father,” he replied, glancing at my arm again. He continued when he saw the look in my eyes. “Look, maybe we can go over to your house at night when he’s asleep and just… I don’t know, kill him?”

“Fuck, do you want us to get arrested?” I said, impatiently. “I am not a killer, okay? I don’t ever want to have to do that to someone, I don’t care who it is.”

“But your dad—”

“ _No,_ Sauli,” I felt a rush go through me when I said his name. “I can’t.”

He huffed and crossed his arms, trying to think of another solution.

“Fine then,” Sauli muttered like a little kid. “I’ll go over there and do it myself.”

My heart skipped a beat. I paled.

“ _No,”_ I was appalled. “I’ll never tell you where I live. I just can’t risk putting you in that kind of danger. Don’t you fucking see? He’ll _kill_ you. If he finds out you know he won’t have an ounce of mercy.”

Sauli raked his hand through his hair roughly. “Ugh! Then how about you stay here and we just call the police? We have to do _something._ ”

I considered that. “No, they’d take me away and find some relatives for me to live with.”

“Isn’t that a _good_ thing?”

I bit my lip. I mumbled, “I don’t want to leave…” _you._ “This place,” I finished, sighing.

Sauli rested his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. “Fine,” He said, his voice muffled by his hands. “But I _can’t_ let this go on. I can’t stand knowing this is happening and I’m not doing anything to help.” He looked back up at me, the worry was apparent on his face.

I just studied him hard for a moment. “You’ve already helped so much…” I said quietly, barely audible. “You have no idea.”

Sauli smiled slightly at me.

There was another moment of silence.

“So, now what?” Sauli asked. “What’s going to happen next?”

“I… don’t know,” I admitted, frowning at him. “But _please_ don’t try anything. Let me handle this.”

“But—”

“ _Please.”_

Sauli sighed, resigned, and after a minute, he finally nodded. He looked over at his watch.

“I need to go, don’t I? Your parents will be home soon.” I said.

Sauli didn’t say anything.

I sighed, getting up to leave anyway. I picked up my jacket and pulled it on. It felt strangely heavy and foreign. I didn’t like it. I wanted to take it off and throw it away along with the memories it carried.

I started to leave, but when my hand landed on the door knob, I heard Sauli call back to me. I turned.

“Be careful,” Sauli said from the couch. His hands were folded on his lap and he stared at the ground as he spoke. The expression on his face was dejected. I smiled at the amazing man in front of me and nodded, heading out the door. _Thank you._


	29. Always On My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't updated in like three days, I was busy with family x) Sorry, I do have a life I sadly must live, BUT I'M BACK. Here's two chapters, plus more if I can finish them today.

Sauli:

Alex invited me to party at his house a couple days after Adam had broken down, on a fucking Sunday, just because his parents had left town. I decided to attend just for the hell of it, and to get the rest of my life back into focus. With Adam around, I was completely ignoring every other aspect of my life. He took up all of my energy, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I sat on Alex’s leather couch in the living room, away from everyone else. The entire house was filled with the smoky haze of marijuana and a ground shaking bass from the thundering dance music. It was all giving me a headache and I seriously regretted coming here. I heard a loud crash from the other room followed by a couple screams. Did I mention everyone but me was drunk too?

I was in no mood to party. All of this seemed irrelevant to me. All I could actually think about was Adam, all the emotional and physical trauma he’s been through, and how badly I wanted to be the one to heal him. How could anyone survive so many beatings? How could anyone survive being completely isolated inside their own head? It was a breath of relief when he opened up to me, because at least that took some pressure off of him, not to mention the very possible risk of suicide went down as long as Adam knew that there really was someone here for him. I smiled at the thought, staring at a crude painting on the wall.

But his father could be torturing him right now for all I knew, and once again, I was out with these stupid people and not helping him. I wanted so badly to murder Adam’s father for what he’s done, but Adam had given me strict orders not to do anything stupid. I didn’t even want to call the police anymore because that meant Adam would have to leave me. I was stubborn and refused to let him go. But it was also kind of selfish to not call the authorities just because I liked having him around. If they took Adam away, it would be for his own good. If I truly cared about him, I should let him go to where he’d be _safe._

My view of the stupid painting and depressing thoughts were interrupted by a slender body. I looked up at Dakota’s unfocused face, and she was clearly drunk. She had her hands on her hips and was only wearing a bra and jeans. Where the hell did her shirt go? She grinned as she roughly settled into my lap, and I just let her.

“Hey… baby,” Dakota breathed into my face, and her voice slurred. I coughed from the sudden impact of strong alcohol on her breath.

She leaned in, and before I could protest, shoved her whiskey-coated tongue down my throat. I immediately felt like gagging, and didn’t respond to her sloppy kiss. I gently pushed her back by the shoulders even though I just wanted to fucking chuck her off me. She grimaced at me, clearly upset.

“Come on,” she slurred. Dakota not so subtly shoved her breasts into my face, expecting me to like that. I didn’t. To my shock and disgust, she started slowly dry humping my lap, trying to get an encouraging response from me as she tried to take my shirt off. I shuddered when her tongue made contact with my neck, but not from pleasure.

“No, Dakota, I’m not in the mood,” I said firmly.

“Well get there,” she replied into my neck, becoming more agitated now. Dakota reached behind her back and struggled to unclasp her bra. I quickly grabbed her by the wrists to stop her, and pushed her hard off of me onto the couch. She clearly had no real idea of what she was trying to do. Poor girl was beyond drunk. I stood up, wiping the saliva off my neck. Ugh.

“Don’t act like such a whore,” I spat at her.

Dakota looked shocked for a moment, but smoothed out quickly and stood up, swiftly locking her hands around the back of my neck. Her eyes weren’t even focused properly on my face. They were almost cross-eyed

“But I love you,” she breathed, and I tried not to gag. “Come upstairs to the bedroom and fuck me senseless.”

I gave her a look of disgust and disbelief. Was she always this much of a needy whore and I was just clueless about it or was this just the alcohol talking? Either way, I just couldn’t stand it any longer. It felt wrong. Her advances felt like I was cheating on Adam, which was an incredibly stupid feeling since we weren’t even close to romantic.

Dakota started to lean in again, slowly closing her eyes as she did so. Realizing her intent, I quickly shoved her off in panic. Dakota fell down with a yelp, but the stupid couch managed to catch her. I secretly wished there had been nothing there except cold, hard floor. She shot me a look of anger and fake sorrow. I hated the feeling of her on me.

Then I remembered Adam’s lacerated arms around me, and how warm and comforting they felt. I suddenly felt sadness and yearning. I wanted Adam. I wanted every part of him. I wanted to share his love, his smile, his laugh, his joy, his pain, his embrace, his _everything._

“You’re acting like a douche.” I heard an annoying voice whine.

I looked down at the couch with a glare.

“Dakota,” I announced, “I’m done with you, alright? We are over.” The look on her face was priceless.

I turned to leave and stalked away as quickly as I could. I was nearing the front door when I heard _another_ annoying voice call out to me. I sighed and turned.

“D-dude,” Alex stumbled up to me. “Where are you going? The party’s just begun.”

I rolled my eyes at his ridiculous state. “Alex,” I glared at him. “Just stop and fucking leave me alone, okay?” His eyes cleared, and he opened his mouth to say something.

I turned and left the mess of a party without another word or a single glance back at any of them.

 


	30. I Was Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are like a delicious dinner.

Adam:

I was feeling ridiculously inspired after my time with Sauli. I spent the entire next two days just lying in my bed, healing and thinking. Eber was either passed out drunk on the couch or not home, so I was safe.

Sauli… I needed to thank him. It took me a while to figure out how, but my muse finally came back filled with more ideas than ever and I decided to write him a song. I spent hours crumpling up paper and scribbling out potential lyrics. I needed to get this right, and eventually, I finally did. I put every thought into this song. Every lyric was filled with my truth. I wanted to let him know how I felt, and this was the best way to do it. I was incredibly proud of the song I came up with because it was just… _everything_ I felt about this situation with Sauli. I kissed the finished paper of lyrics and tucked it safely into my jeans. I was just going to give him the song, hopefully not sing it.

I felt… better. Better than I’d ever felt in a long time, considering the circumstances I was in. But what if Sauli tried to help me out? What if he completely ignored my orders because of his stubbornness and did something dangerously stupid? Eber would without a doubt hunt him down and— I shuddered, not even wanting to think about that.

The next morning, I was feeling braver than usual and I felt like changing myself up a little. I styled my hair upward, so it wasn’t in my face and emo-like, but rather tall and I loved how it complimented my cheekbones. I decided to not use any amount of eyeliner, but I kept the nail polish since it was already on and I didn’t have a remover. I dressed in a long sleeved (for obvious reasons), tight grey shirt, and black, ripped, fitted jeans. I was satisfied and left for school, making sure not to wake up Eber on my way out.

I arrived at school without any pain in my legs and instantly felt insecure because of the familiar environment. I was suddenly worried about how I looked. No one had ever seen me without some sort of coat and my hair styled down. What if I looked terrible? What if they _laughed?_ The brave feeling vanished. My strange optimism dissipated. I didn’t like it. The song in my pocket suddenly felt a lot heavier.

I took a deep breath and made my way to my locker, not looking at anyone’s face. I dumped my stuff into my locker, and when I shut the locker door, Dakota was standing behind it. I reflexively grimaced at the sight of her. Oh great.

“Hey, Adam,” She said as she put her hand on her hip. I was surprised she even knew my name. “You look _really_ hot today.” She bit her lip, her eyes raking up and down my body. I felt naked and awkward. But did I really look okay?

Instantly, I knew she was up to her usual bullshit. I narrowed my eyes at her, “Where’s Sauli? You know; your _boyfriend?”_ That last word I practically had to spit out through clenched teeth.

She rolled her eyes and scuffed her heel at the ground, putting on a fake pout. “Does it matter? I’ve got my eye on something much hotter now,” She purred, her eyes never leaving my torso. What a fucking creep. I wanted to snap at her and tell her to keep her eyes up, but I resisted. Go ahead, enjoy the view, bitch.

I rolled my eyes, “Seriously, where is he?” I shifted my weight to the other foot.

She scoffed, clearly not wanting to talk about it. “He broke up with me last night, can you believe him?” She said, in the most annoyingly high tone.

I almost leaped for joy.

It made sense now. She was just trying to get with me in hopes of making Sauli jealous. What a bitch.

I gave her a glare, “Actually,” I snapped. “Yeah, I can.” I walked off without another word to her, off to find Sauli.

I made my way through the halls, glancing into classrooms for Sauli. One thing I did notice on my search was that most of the girls were staring at me. Apparently I looked attractive today, and I couldn’t even enjoy it without feeling horrible that people were looking at me.

I finally spotted Sauli’s tall, blonde hair in the library. He was sitting on the couch with his back turned to me. I excitedly passed through the doorway and then froze, noticing the other guy sitting next to him. They were talking about me.

“—I really don’t get how you can hang out with him, he’s so fucking gay.” I heard the guy say. I didn’t recognize the voice and realized that I didn’t even know this guy. My fists clenched up, and I waited for Sauli to say something, or yell at him.

But instead, I saw Sauli’s head nod, and he muttered, “Yeah.”

I could almost hear my heart break in half.

Wait, did he tell this guy my secret? He really did it, didn’t he? Did he tell everyone? _Was that why people were staring at me in the hallway?_ My head was spinning.

I felt a lump in my throat.

“—He’s just such a fucking weirdo. I wonder how many filthy dicks he’s already sucked. He probably gets paid too.” The guy went on. I was furious that Sauli was just sitting there and proving myself right about him.

I didn’t want to be right.

“Mmhmm,” Sauli hummed in agreement. What was he _doing?_ Why wasn’t he denying anything? I felt like crying.

“He should fucking be shot for being a faggot,” The guy whined. Sauli hummed again. I couldn’t take it. How _dare_ he?

I snapped.

I strode over to them quickly, not even thinking about what I was doing. They both looked up in surprise at me, but I didn’t give anyone the chance to say anything. Out of fury, I roughly jerked the guy off the couch by the collar, loving how my strength was coming back, and he yelled out in complaint and shock. I reared my fist back and slammed it right into his jaw, letting my pain and suffering transfer to his face through my attack. The bigot flew from the impact, his head hitting the armrest of the couch.

I looked over at Sauli with a mix of emotions, but mostly pain, anger, and betrayal. I couldn’t fight the moisture in my eyes. Sauli’s face was beyond shocked. I wanted so bad to just blow up at him too, but… I just didn’t have the heart to _hurt_ him.

Sauli opened his mouth to speak, but I didn’t want to hear it, I turned and half ran out of the library before I could hear any more of his lies. The song in my pocket was just laughing at me now.


	31. Shit. Shit. Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a lazy day, so I'll be updating throughout the day. :) Enjoy.

Sauli:

You know how annoying it is when you’re forced to study because you’ve been missing so much school content trying to understand a person, and then having some idiot sit next to you and try to lecture you the entire time?

I knew this guy as a friend of Alex’s. His name was Tom and he was just as big of a douchebag as the rest of them. He was apparently sent by Alex to talk some sense into me, since I refused to see any of those idiots. Tom rambled on and on about something, and I wasn’t even paying any attention to his bullshit. I was tuning his annoying-ass voice out. I even had an open chemistry textbook on my lap and fucking ear buds in, though I didn’t actually have any music playing, but the idiot still didn’t get the hint. He was getting on my nerves. 

I just periodically randomly mumbled in agreement to whatever he was saying like I gave even a quarter of a shit, though none of what he was saying actually registered in my brain. It was more like an annoying buzzing sound. I decided to just make him think he was getting through to me so he’d leave sooner.

Then all of the sudden, Adam showed up out of literally nowhere, grabbed Tom by the neck, and then pounded his face in, throwing him onto the floor. For a split-second, I wanted to thank him for that, before I actually realized what happened.

I looked up at Adam in shock. First, why the hell did he do that? And second, when did he decide to dress like this? He looked devastatingly beautiful today, with his black hair styled up, his long-sleeved shirt hugging his body, and his form-fitting pants which enunciated his ass and crotch. My eyes landed on his face and the heart-shattering look he was giving me last. His expression was full of _anger and hurt_. But why?

I instantly felt guilty and tried to think of all the things I could have possibly done wrong. I opened my mouth to say something, but Adam had already turned and ran out the door. 

Shit! 

I slammed my textbook shut and chucked it at Tom who was still on the floor in a daze as I bolted out the library after Adam.

I frantically looked around the hallway and caught a glimpse of Adam stomping into the boy’s washroom down the hall, and he slammed the door shut. I flinched. I quickly made my way down the empty hall without looking suspicious and tentatively opened the washroom door, stepping inside. I looked around. The washroom had four stalls, one urinal and a puddle of questionable liquids in one corner.

Adam was leaning over the sink with his hands gripping the edge so hard that his knuckles had gone white. He head was tilted down and he was breathing hard and unevenly, his eyes were closed. What was going on with him?

I slowly walked up behind him.

“Adam?” I whispered, gently placing my hand on his shoulder.

He immediately threw my hand off. “Leave me alone!” Adam screamed, whipping around to face me and backing up toward the wall, trying to get as far away as possible from me in the tight space. I stared, frozen in place from his outburst and wide-eyed.

What the hell did I do? I furrowed my brow, trying to remember what Tom had been talking about. I knew he had said he was going to try to talk some sense into me, but then I tuned out as soon as he uttered that. I raked my brain, urging it to remember. Tom had talked about Dakota at the party, and how I was being an ass to her and Alex, blah blah blah, and some shit about how Adam was “brainwashing” me.

Oh. _OH. Fuck._ I saw now. Adam had been in the library, listening, and I had been stupidly agreeing with everything Tom had been saying. He probably said something horrible about Adam. Oh fuck, what _exactly_ did I agree to? I just couldn’t remember. I was such a fucking idiot! Why hadn’t I just told Tom to fucking get lost or better yet, why hadn’t I just left? Oh, because I was trying to be nice and polite. Shoot me. Adam thought I exposed his secret to everyone. __

“Adam, shit,” I said, trying to formulate an explanation that would make sense, “You don’t understand, I didn’t—” but he cut me off.

“Just. SHUT. UP.”  Adam yelled, and pain was inevitable in his voice. He stormed over to me and shoved me hard. I fell to the ground on my ass, a jolt shot up my spine from the impact. I yelled out from the sharp pain. Adam towered over me, his angered face shadowed. “I’m done with your lies,” he seethed.


	32. What?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dunno why I call these "chapters" since they're all just teeny little POV switches x)

Adam:

I felt so fucking stupid. I had been right from the start, but had let my emotions take over and trust. How could I have ever believed anything Sauli had said to me? I felt betrayed and used. And now this bigot knew my life story and my secret and he’d probably told everyone. I could only imagine their faces as they laughed at me.

Sauli stood by the sink now, and was trying to mutter out an explanation. I didn’t want to fucking hear any of his bullshit anymore. His once trusted voice now irritated my ears. I was just so done with life.

“Just. SHUT. UP.” I yelled, and people could probably hear me from classrooms nearby. I stormed over to Sauli, and fear was obvious in his eyes as I rammed my hands against his chest and just shoved him away, physically and metaphorically. He lost his balance and fell down on his ass. 

I stood over him, not looking him in the eye. “I’m done with your lies,” I seethed. “You really think I’m just another flaming faggot. You will _never_ understand how hard it is. And you don’t care. Why don’t you just go tell the entire world so they can hate me as well? I can take it. You can go and enjoy your life and whores because _you_ will always be accepted.” I finished, trying to keep my voice angry, but it was hard when I was on the verge of crying.

Sauli’s expression changed. It went from fear and confusion to fury and determination. He got up from the floor swiftly and shook his head in disbelief at me, scoffing. I glared at him. He let out an exasperated groan and charged at me, grabbing me by the shoulders, and slamming me into the tiled wall. He attempted to keep me pinned there.

I had healed enough to overpower him. No way was he pinning me. I roughly shoved him and yelled, “Get off of me!” which only angered him more.

“Fucking—” Sauli growled at me, shoving me into wall again. Before I could make any attack at him, he grabbed two fistfuls of my hair and pulled hard. I hissed at the pain. He kept me pinned to the wall by my hair. 

Sauli pulled my head forward by my hair to make me look at him. I refused. My hands were on his chest, trying to push him off. He pressed even closer to me, trapping my hands and rendering them useless, and used my hair to fixate my head into place to stare into my eyes. Since I had no choice but to look at him, I glared butcher knives straight into his eyes.

He obviously didn’t appreciate the look and jerked my tall hair roughly again, but before I could yell out in pain, Sauli closed his eyes and suddenly his lips were crushed against mine.

An electric shock shot throughout my entire body, and my eyes were wide open in alarm. There was no real movement, just his lips pressed furiously hard against mine for maybe two seconds. I was frozen as Sauli pulled away, letting go of my hair and stepping a few feet back. 

He just fucking kissed me. _What?_


	33. Shut Up And Listen To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the shortest motherfucking "chapter" ever xD Next one is MUCH longer...... Y'all will love it xD

Sauli:

I thought of a way to shut Adam up and get him to listen to me. I pulled roughly at his hair, and he winced in pain, but before he could mutter another ridiculous thing, I slammed my lips against his. I nearly moaned at the jolt that ran though my body.

I pulled away, and my lips were tingling. I stepped a few feet back and stared hard at Adam, who was standing there, frozen and stunned. He said nothing and stared wide-eyed at the floor. I watched, almost amused, as he just slowly sank to the floor against the wall, and landed on his ass with his knees up against his chest.

I turned and walked to the washroom door, turning the lock, which made a loud echo in the washroom. I turned back around and walked up to Adam, standing over him now. I took his stunned silence as opportunity to explain what happened.

“Finally,” I said, exasperated. “Look Adam, I’m so sorry Tom said those things about you. But you have to understand that I wasn’t even paying shit attention to him. I was trying to study and he kept rambling on and on, so I tuned him out and just nodded to everything he said. Please believe me when I say that I haven’t told a single soul about who you really are. You shared that with me in confidence, and I intend to keep it to myself for as long as you so wish.”

He was looking up at me now. I continued, “I wasn’t planning on ever letting you know this, but I’ll only tell you because you feel as if I’ve wronged you, and you need to know why I would never do that.” I sighed, and my heart started thrashing in my chest.


	34. Be Mine?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY HEART ATTACKS XD I've been waiting since the first chapter to get to this goddamn point. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PATIENCE I NEED FOR THIS SHIT? BLAAH! I HOPE YOU ENJOY. <3

Adam:

I was a blend of emotions as I heard Sauli’s story. I felt relieved, but mostly ashamed. Relieved because I realized Sauli hadn’t told everyone and really was the only one I could trust. I was ashamed because I was so quick to assume that he would just run off and tell everyone. I was ashamed because I didn’t give him a chance to explain. I was ashamed because I blew up at him for something completely false. I was ashamed because I almost let him slip through my fingers.

But then he continued, “I wasn’t planning on ever letting you know this, but I’ll only tell you because you feel as if I’ve wronged you, and you need to know why I would never do that.” He sighed. What was he talking about?

I stared as he went on, “I’m attracted to you. Adam, I _want_ you.”

I nearly fainted, bewildered. _What? WHAT?_ __

I buried my face in my hands, completely speechless. I was embarrassed and beyond confused. Did he just say that? Did he really just say he was _attracted_ to _me?_ Was I dreaming? I thought he was straight. What the hell was going on? I felt another wave of emotions: Happiness, confusion, suspicion, hope, sadness, embarrassment, and anything else.

I heard Sauli move closer to me, and heard him drop down onto his knees, in between my knees which were spread slightly apart and tucked into my chest. I felt his hands on my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face. Sauli gazed longingly into my eyes, and I had no idea how stupid and scared I probably looked. His hand softly cupped my cheek, and a single tear escaped my eye. He wiped it away with his thumb. My heart was thrashing and I was almost certain he could hear it.

I watched, completely astonished as Sauli moved closer, barely a couple inches from my face now, his eyes closed. I didn’t know what to do other than stay frozen.

He took my lips with his, much gentler and sweeter this time. I felt a chill go down my spine and my stomach knotted. I pulled away for a second, and just stared into Sauli’s eyes, confused and shocked. What was he _doing?_ I searched his eyes until he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I hope you feel the same…” Sauli whispered, only a couple inches away. I gulped.

He leaned in again, but only halfway and then paused. I assumed he was waiting for me to answer him. For a second I considered pushing him away and interrogating him, but then I looked at his lips and melted. I didn’t know what to do, since I had never been presented with a moment like this. I took a deep breath, not really sure what the hell was going on, but deciding it wasn’t bad either.

I closed the distance, catching his lips with mine, giving him his answer. Instinctively, my eyes closed shut and I melted into the kiss. His mouth moved with mine perfectly. His lips were soft and tasted incredible. This was mind-boggling to me. My head was freaking out about what was happening, but I decided to ignore it and enjoy the fucking moment, dream or not, consequence or not. I felt a weird urge to take over the whole thing.

Driven by instinct and lust, my hands moved to Sauli’s face and gently held him still as I tentatively licked his lower lip. Sauli’s mouth opened in surprise and I took that as a welcome. My tongue broke the seam of his smooth lips and entered his warm mouth. Sauli’s tongue found mine and he moaned, vibrating against my mouth. I shivered from the exotically wet feeling. We kissed deeply for a minute, mouths molding together, and I just couldn’t seem to get close enough to him.

Sauli seemed to think so too, to my surprise. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me closer, urging me to kiss him harder. My stomach was fluttering, my head was spinning, and my pants felt tighter than normal. He tasted so heavenly. I just couldn’t get enough of this. I could do this forever.

Sauli pulled away to breathe, panting as he looked at me for a moment, before leaning down and kissing and licking sweetly at the sensitive part of my neck. The sensation took me by surprise. I couldn’t help the moan that escaped my lips. I couldn’t take this. It was too damn good.

I suddenly recalled where we were. I had to stop him before this went too far, especially in the school washroom. I gently pulled Sauli’s face away from my neck, and kissed his lips hard one more time, savoring the taste, and probably bruising it.

Sauli pulled away and chastely kissed my cheek, and I felt a rush of joy. My lips were tingling along with the rest of my body. This was so weird. He reached up to take my hand from his head and hold it in his, intertwining our fingers together. I stared at our hands and the warmth pulsing between them. How cliché, but they fit perfectly together.

Sauli pulled up my sleeve with one hand while holding my hand with the other. I cringed, trying to keep calm as my scars and bruises were exposed. Sauli reached down and pressed his lips against each of them, kissing them as if to heal them. I watched in complete awe.

I placed my free hand on his chest, feeling his fluttering heartbeat, realizing that I wasn’t the only one freaking out inside about this, and he looked down at my hand. I squeezed his hand once with mine to get his attention. Sauli looked up, and his eyes bore into mine with softness and something I couldn’t name.

I had somehow built up the courage to do something that was unthinkable even an hour ago. The courage this man gave me was remarkable, or maybe I was just drunk off his kiss and being stupid.

I smiled at him, and asked, ever so softly, “Be mine?”

His reaction surprised me. Sauli chuckled softly, and I instantly felt a twinge of fear for rejection.

Sauli grabbed my hand that was resting on his chest so he was holding both of mine in his, and stood up from the cold, dirty floor, pulling me up with him. Then he quickly let go and hugged my neck, pulling us chest to chest, and rested his head on my shoulder. I almost lost my balance from his hug. I was seriously about to cry at how cute he was. No one had ever held me like this, and it was amazing.

“Of course,” He whispered. And the feelings I felt was indescribable.

Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around Sauli’s waist protectively and pulled him even closer, holding his body pressed completely against mine. This was so new to me, but I was almost sad I never got to do anything like this before. It was such a secure feeling. My head tilted down to snuggle into the warm crook of his neck, breathing in Sauli’s familiar smell. Just like this, I could stay forever.

I lost track of time for how long I stood like that and held him like he was the last thing on this Earth, but for the first time in my life, I was absolutely and truly _happy_ in that moment. And Sauli was mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bows* aaaaaand I'm done for today. Hope you guys enjoyed :)


	35. It's Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bleh. I hate having to be busy and making you guys wait. Enjoy :)

Sauli: 

We spent the next three periods in the washroom just sitting, and talking occasionally. It wasn’t awkward, because I knew we both liked the quiet company of the other. I had locked the door earlier, making sure no one could come in. Fuck people who needed to take a shit, there were plenty of washrooms around the school.

I sat on the counter with my knees tucked into my chest, and Adam sat next to me with his legs dangling off the edge and his hands resting flat on the surface on either side.

I was amazed by how the day had turned out. Adam was still in slight shock from the whole ordeal, and to admit, so was I. I still couldn’t believe I kissed him, and even though it was hours later, my lips were still tingling. Here I was, now apparently _together_ with another man… I regretted nothing.

We were both deep in thought. I was just contemplating how the fuck this even happened. Other than a few short conversations, we were quiet. I glanced over at Adam, who was staring at the ceiling with an unreadable expression. What was _he_ thinking about?

I reached over and placed my hand gently over Adam’s, and carefully gauged his reaction. He didn’t look away from the ceiling, but a slight, sad smile graced his perfect face. I couldn’t get over how incredible he looked today.

I didn’t know how any of this was going to work, but I was going to make sure it would. I knew we could both feel that the journey ahead would never be an easy one. And maybe that’s why we stayed in the washroom for so long. I knew he didn’t want to face the damned world, and neither did I.

But we were going to have to.

I sighed. “Adam?” I said quietly. He finally broke away from the ceiling and looked down at me. I squeezed his hand once, and then held it in mine. He stared at our hands with wonder in his eyes. I went on, “We need to go. School’s almost over.”

Adam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I know, but…”

“…What are we going to do about _this?”_ I finished for him, squeezing his hand again. Adam furrowed his brow. After a minute, I continued, “Should we just… I don’t know, hide it? Just like, stay away from each other at school?”

Adam’s eyes moistened ever so slightly and he frowned. “No… but,” he sighed.

“But you don’t want to come out with it,” I finished for him again, rubbing circles into the back of his hand with my thumb. 

Adam nodded sadly. “I just… I don’t know _what_ to do anymore. Can we just stay in here?”

I rolled my eyes at his stupid question and let go of his hand. Adam frowned. My hand stung from the vacancy of his warmth, I wondered if his did too. I realized there was no way I could just stay away from him and pretend this wasn’t real during school.

“Adam, I don’t want to push you ever again, but if you want to at least know how I feel, I think we should just… go for it. Fuck what people might think. Since when did the people that matter least have the biggest influence on our choices? I don’t want to have to hide from you, because I can’t, especially since I don’t _have_ to. I want to be there alongside you. What’s the worst they could do?”

Adam bit his lip, knowing exactly what the worst they could do would be. He’s experienced it. He stared intently into my eyes for a long while, thinking.

At last, he slowly closed his eyes, and tensed. “…Okay,” he breathed. “Let’s do it.”

I smiled and leaned over to him. Adam’s eyes were still closed, so I took the opportunity to surprise him. I quickly grabbed the back of his neck and softly took his lips with mine. A beautiful shudder went down my spine at the taste of him I knew I would never get used to. I peeked at Adam and his eyes had flashed open in surprise. I kissed him a little harder and his eyes sank closed, melting into the kiss. He responded with urgency. There was no tongue or anything like that; it was just a sweet thank you to him. I could seriously kiss him endlessly until I died though. It was just beyond words.

I reluctantly pulled away, and took his hand again, pulling Adam off the counter with me. He dragged behind me as we reached the washroom door. I grabbed the lock and looked up at him.

“Ready?” I asked.

Adam sighed. “As I’ll ever be,” he replied. I smiled and turned the lock. With a final look at Adam, waiting for him to back out, which he didn’t, I opened the door and we stepped into the world.

I found myself smiling as Adam’s hand was intertwined with my own as we walked down the halls together.

I looked up at Adam as we strolled through the first hallway. Adam’s lean, masculine face had a strange expression; a mix of happiness and nervousness.

As we walked, people stared, most with a look of disgust or shock. But this was all expected. I heard them whisper things as we passed and even though their ignorant comments didn’t bother me, they obviously bothered Adam a _lot._ He winced at a couple comments. I could almost feel his inner struggle to not tear his hand from mine. Assholes… fuck their opinions.

 I was so proud of him for doing this though, it was ultimately his own decision to come out like this. I squeezed his hand reassuringly. He looked down at me with worry. I could see why, and I understood. Adam had been in the closet his entire life, and the one time he came out, his mother killed herself and his father wanted to kill him. He’d been forced to shove that fact deep down for years, and now he was coming out again. I could tell he was afraid of another horrible result. I didn’t know how to make this any easier except to just stay by him and reassure him of this decision.

Adam was sensitive to what people said, it was obvious as we were walking and he would tense up whenever a too-loud whisper from an idiot reached his ears. Either it was a homophobic comment or some other comment that had something to do with our polar appearances. I wanted to go and beat everyone’s faces in. They had no clue Adam could hear them, and even if they did, they didn’t care about how it was even affecting him. Though Adam always had this hard, careless exterior, on the interior, he was a storm of emotional trauma. It was probably killing him to hear these things. But really, I didn’t give a shit about what people thought. That’s just who I was. 

We walked out the front doors of the school, and Adam’s entire body and grip on my hand relaxed instantly. It was still incredible how much calmer he was when there was no one else around. Without pausing, we decided to go back over to my house again.


	36. Movie? What Movie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think some of you might enjoy this. It was fun to write, so I hope you like it. REVIEWS ARE GREAT!

Adam:

When we finally left that fucking overcrowded school, I was immediately relieved. The things I heard… Their comments weren’t as bad as I was expecting, but they still hurt a lot.  Actually, half were just outbursts of shock that Sauli was even holding hands with someone like me, and they were probably more surprised that I was capable of emotions other than anger. The other half of comments and whispers were your typical homophobic shit. I didn’t even want to get into that since I would end up pissed and sad again. I was trying to stay in a good mood for Sauli.

We arrived at Sauli’s ridiculous house. I dreaded having to see his parents again. Sauli towed me to his front door. I gulped, not ready for this.

Sauli dropped my hand. “I don’t think they need to know about this just yet,” he said, gesturing to our chests. I nodded in agreement, feeling slightly better.

He smiled at me before opening the door and swiftly walking in. I followed tentatively behind him. Sauli called out for his parents, but there was no reply. I stood awkwardly, gaping at the gorgeous chandelier by the front door as Sauli looked around the house. Eventually, Sauli appeared from around the corner, staring down at a note in his hands.

Sauli grinned at me. “They’re at a conference,” he enthused. “Thank fuck.”

I let out a sigh of relief. Good. I wasn’t ready for another round of dirty looks.

We headed up Sauli’s annoyingly grand staircase. I walked into his giant fucking room, still not used to how amazing it was, and he was right behind me, closing the door and locking it.

“Go sit on the couch,” Sauli said, touching my shoulder lightly as he walked past me. “I’m gonna find a movie to watch—NOT another stupid horror.”

I laughed and did what he said, still careful to not hurt the huge couch in some way. I loved how gloriously soft and velvety his couch was. I briefly wondered what it would feel like to be naked and just roll around on it, having that sensation on your entire body.

After a couple minutes, Sauli came back from another room _inside_ his bedroom. He grinned as he showed me the cover of the movie. I chuckled and shook my head at him. It was some sappy romantic thing.

Sauli rolled his eyes, “Shut up. It’s either this or another horror thing.”  He walked off without another word, flipping off the lights, closing the curtains, and finally starting the movie.

He sat down on my left and I didn’t like the space between us since now I could actually touch him without being paranoid about him hating it. But as always, there was a little voice in the back of my head which kept me slightly nervous to even go through with the simplest of touches.

I exaggeratedly cleared my throat, and Sauli looked up with an amused curiosity. I raised an eyebrow at him and gestured at the space between us with my eyes. He laughed and rolled his eyes again.

“You are ridiculous,” Sauli joked as he fixed my issue by cuddling up against my arm and resting on my shoulder. I smiled, and kissed his hair, worshipping the feeling of his blonde locks against my face.

About ten minutes into watching the movie— and by watching the movie I mean Sauli was actually focused on the story, and I was just watching _him_ enjoy the movie— I felt my heart swell. I just couldn’t believe how this all ended up. Could someone as amazing as Sauli really be mine? Sauli looked up at me and smiled so sweetly, and I just wanted to cry from happiness. I couldn’t take it.

I boldly leaned in and kissed him, ignoring the voice in my head. I smiled into his lips as he made a sound of surprise. I started out with a chaste kiss, but I soon wanted much more of him. I pulled away and held his face in my hands, keeping him still as I ever so slowly licked his lips, taking in the entire flavor.

Sauli’s mouth opened, and I took the opportunity, shoving my tongue into his mouth, meeting his. He moaned into my mouth, vibrating against my throat. I shivered. Our tongues battled for dominance, but eventually I won. The feeling of his slick, wet muscle interacting with mine sent a twinge straight into my pants.

I pulled out of our cuddle and gently pushed him onto his back, climbing on top of him, and straddled his hips. My lips never left his. His hands tangled into my hair and pulled hard. I hissed against his lips, before kissing him passionately and deeply for a few minutes, only pulling away to breathe every now and then. I loved how eagerly and fearlessly he kissed back. I poured my feelings into the way our mouths moved, in a way that words could never express.

It was incredible how much instinct could help out. I never had a moment like this. Sauli was my first kiss. But my inexperience wasn’t exactly obvious right now. I pulled away from him, our lips making a popping sound as they split apart. I panted against him, out of breath, and stared deep into Sauli’s gorgeous blue eyes. They were clouded over with lust. I growled, loving his expression.

Sauli felt so small under me, I never knew I was so dominant. I loved every fucking second. I kissed him again, and his hands snaked up and down my back before tangling in my hair again, jerking me closer, deeper. I moaned into Sauli’s mouth. He tasted like a dream.

I was surprised by how hard I was already. My cock was aching and throbbing from neglect and need because I was too busy with Sauli’s mouth. I had to resist the strong urge to touch myself.

Sauli pulled away, his face a few inches from mine, and just stared into my eyes. He cupped my cheek for a second.

“You don’t want to watch the movie?” Sauli asked teasingly.

I growled again, annoyed. I gave him his answer when my mouth was suddenly at his neck, kissing and licking it. Sauli moaned and arched his neck, exposing more to give me easier access to his slightly salty skin.

I heard little popping noises as I sucked on his neck. I licked each spot after I sucked on it for a while, probably leaving a ton of hickeys. Oh well, it’s not my fault he tasted so goddamn good everywhere. Without warning, I suddenly bit his neck, and Sauli cried out, arching up into me. I didn’t stop; I kept kissing and biting his neck and throat. His fingers dug into my back, and he arched up, gluing him to my body.

I bit down hard on a particular spot on Sauli’s neck, marking him as _mine_ and lapped at a spot just under his jaw. Sauli moaned and bucked his hips, grinding gently against my aching cock for a second. I was surprised by that sudden, delicious friction of his hips and I wanted more.

I ground my hips into his reflexively, curiously, and endless spikes of pleasure jolted and rolled down my spine. My eyes widened. I panted heavily and moaned into his neck, dizzy from the incredible feeling of lust, and I didn’t even notice that Sauli was moaning just as loud as I was. I silenced him by kissing as fiercely as I could. His warm tongue found mine as I rubbed against him. I shivered at a new sensation. I could feel his fucking hard-on with my own. Sauli gasped against my mouth, obviously feeling the same thing, and he wrapped his legs tight around my waist, completely pressing himself against me, pulling me impossibly closer. He clawed at my back through my shirt like he _still_ wasn’t close enough to me. The only way I could be closer was if I was _inside_ of him, but I didn’t think he was ready for that.

In no time at all, I found myself actually thrusting against him, and grinding my hips into his like we were having sex. I rubbed my painfully hard and sensitive dick against his through our tight clothes. My heart was skipping beats and my brain was screaming at me for this, but I didn’t care. I had no idea what I was doing, but I just couldn’t stop, not now. I needed a release, I was growing sexually frustrated. Sauli was moaning and panting between kisses, and all I cared about was how beautifully raw he looked like this.

“A-Adam…” He moaned. “Adam, p-please, I can’t... God, please!” He whined and panted, bucking roughly into me again. I moaned loudly, I couldn’t take this anymore. I kept thrusting powerfully into him, rubbing on him as fast and as hard as I possibly could. The feeling of his length grinding up against mine just drove me intimately crazy.

I bent down, kissing Sauli softly. I just managed to taste the sweet wetness of his tongue before I felt his body convulse violently beneath me and he came against me with a shout. I gasped audibly, shocked, feeling the sticky, warm, wetness of his pants.

“Adam…” The sound of Sauli’s voice moaning my name like that in pure ecstasy sent me over the edge.

I ground once more into him and came. I panted heavily. I froze as stars danced across my vision and I moaned gutturally. I probably soaked my pants. I shakily collapsed over Sauli, my face burying in the sweaty dip of his shoulder. I was completely sated and drained of energy. I felt his chest move rise and fall heavily in unison against mine. I panted weightily into his hot neck. My hair was sticking to my forehead, and my eyes were wide open in shock. What the Hell just happened?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAM.


	37. Related To Shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer one :D Sorry I haven't updated in a few days, but HAAAI, I'm back :)

Sauli:

Minutes after, I was still panting and shocked at the pure pleasure I had felt, and we hadn’t even had sex. It was a strange and unfamiliar experience, but I _loved_ it. No girl had ever made my body react like that. I was speechless. Adam was still lying fully clothed on top of me, panting softly in my ear. The weight of his drained body pinned mine to the couch. 

After finally coming down from the high and recovering some energy to move, Adam kissed my cheek, and his lips lingered there for a minute, brushing against me. I rested one hand on his back and gently raked the other through his sweaty hair. I felt him shift a little and he groaned, his hand touching his wet pants.

“I should fix this… mess,” Adam muttered tentatively into my ear. 

I chuckled softly at his embarrassment, “Bathroom’s down the hall.”

With quite some effort and groaning, Adam managed to lift himself off of me, careful not to hurt me. He quickly stumbled out of the room.

“Holy shit,” I heard Adam’s voice weakly exclaim from down the hall. 

Confused, I called out, loud enough for him to hear, “What’s wrong?”

“This is not a fucking bathroom. It’s a spa!”               

I laughed aloud, shaking my head. Oh Adam.  

I remained flushed on the couch, still tingling everywhere. I realized the movie was still on, and turned that shit off. My hand shakily ghosted over my wet pants and I flinched as I made contact with my dick. It was still so sensitive. I could feel my underwear sticking to my skin, but I didn’t care. I was tired enough to effectively ignore the discomfort and tightness.

After a few minutes, Adam came back out and stopped at the end of the couch, his face flushed and light. Immediately, I looked down at his crotch, and laughed again at the wet stain there. It wasn’t _that_ noticeable. Although, knowing exactly what that wet stain was made my stomach flip and made me momentarily lust for him again. I gave him a look.

Adam chuckled and rolled his eyes. His velvety, musical laugh rang throughout my head with an endless echo. I was intoxicated by this rare, gorgeous phenomenon. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, laugh it up. It’s not like you’re any better off,” he grumbled. 

I looked down at my pants and then nodded at Adam. I felt somewhat embarrassed that he could see it, but there was no way I could hide it from him. Adam was right. I looked worse. At least he had cleaned up.

Adam smiled at me and then glanced out the window. His face immediately fell. It was getting dark. No…

“I should go,” he said sadly, staring at the floor. “I’m already late…”

My eyes widened. “Please, stay,” I begged, not willing to let him go back to that Hellhole. 

I pushed off the couch and stood up too quickly in panic. I nearly fell over, still dizzy from that whole thing. Adam caught me by the waist before I toppled down flat on my face.

“Careful,” he said gently in my ear.

I turned around in his protective arms to face him. I hugged him, pulling him close, and inhaled his delicious scent. His arms locked around me, securing me to him.

“Stay,” I insisted into his chest.

I felt Adam’s lips kissing the top of my head, before I heard his voice say, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Damn right you will. Stay,” I repeated.

Adam sighed into my hair, momentarily warming my head. “You know I can’t,” he grumbled. “And your parents will be home soon, so…”

Damn. He was right again. My parents would never let him spend the night, but maybe I could just sneak him overnight…

“I know what you’re thinking and no.”

“Please?” I tightened my arms around him.

“So many complications that involve my father, I just can’t stay.” Adam stroked my hair, trying to reassure me. It wasn’t quite working. “I’ll be alright like always. Well, actually, that’s a lie, but you know what I mean. I _will_ see you tomorrow.”

I knew I couldn’t change his mind, but the thought of his father laying a filthy finger on him while I sat here in my comforting home just sickened me. 

I let go of him and stepped back, staring into his eyes with worry. “We’ll find a way to fix everything.” I said wearily. Adam gave me a sarcastic look of doubt. I glared at him, determined. “We _will._ But for now, just… hold on a little while longer, okay?”

Adam’s expression turned into a heartbreaking smile. “…There’s finally something to hold onto,” he half whispered to himself, not looking at me.

Before I could respond to that, I heard an engine rumbling on my driveway. We both froze. 

“Shit,” I spat. “They’re home.” 

Ugh. Now how was I going to get Adam out of here? My parents would blow a fuse and freak out if they saw him here with his “problem” on the front of his pants. And he couldn’t just walk out of my room pant-less without alarming my parents.

Adam threw me a wild look. “Now what?” he hissed.

“Uh…” I droned, quickly flipping through solutions in my head. “Here,” I took him by the hand and hurriedly pulled him into my closet. “Put this on.” I chucked a random pair of jeans at his head. Adam caught it and stared at it. 

“There is no way in Hell this is going to fit me, like at _all,_ ” Adam quickly said. 

“I’ll change into them then,” I said, remembering and feeling the sticky wetness on my denim covered groin. 

I grabbed the jeans from his hands. I quickly unzipped my wet pants and pulled them down. Adam blushed and looked away, biting his lip, suddenly very distracted by my polo shirt. I paid him no mind, now was not the time. I could change my underwear later. I tugged on the fresh pair of jeans, and Adam’s attention was on me again.

I heard the front door open downstairs, followed by the garbled voices of my parents. Crap. Think fast.

“How about a pair of shorts, would that work?” I suggested.

“Bare legs. Bruises. No.” Adam gestured expansively at his clothed legs, starting to panic now.             

I paced in the huge closet, thinking as fast as I could. I heard my dad call out for me. 

“I got it! Take my textbook and casually hold it over the front as you leave. It should be big enough to hide it,” I said as I rushed out of the closet and quickly rummaged through my room. “Just give it back to me tomorrow.” I handed Adam the textbook. It was a stupid idea, but I had no time to think of anything else.

“Alright, since our other options aren’t much better…”                                        

We made our way to my locked bedroom door and halted. I turned to Adam. 

I sighed, hating having to hide this, “Ready to just be somewhat of a friend of mine?” 

Adam frowned, and his eyes looked dejected. “No…” he mumbled as he reached up and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. I smiled sadly at him.

“Sauli, are you home?” I heard my mother call from the bottom of the stairs.

I took Adam’s hand from my face and kissed it before dropping it. 

“Coming,” I yelled in reply to her as I opened the bedroom door.

Adam shot me a nervous look before he positioned the textbook on his crotch, trying to make it look as natural as possible as we made our way downstairs, slowly. When we neared the bottom, I saw my mom waiting there, looking off to the side, and impatiently tapping her foot. We stopped, still standing on the last few stairs.

“Sauli, I—” she cut off when she turned and saw Adam next to me. Her gleaming eyes narrowed. Her rudeness was getting on my nerves. “Oh… hello,” she barely acknowledged Adam as he half-heartedly waved and nodded at her. She looked back at me with suspicion in her eyes. “I didn’t know you had… company over. What were you doing up there?” 

I glanced over at Adam’s frozen face and then at his casually textbook-covered crotch. 

“Um… Studying,” I lied. It sounded like a question. Oh well, at least the textbook made my lie more believable. “But it’s getting late, so… Adam’s going home,” I said lamely.

“Oh,” she uttered simply, furrowing her brow. “Honey?” she called out for my dad, stalking off without another word.

That went better than expected. It was still pretty bad, but it was less hostile than last time. I gave Adam a look of relief. He let out a big breath. We quickly made our way over to the front door, and I was completely aware of the huge gap of space between us as we walked. I didn’t like it. I wanted to be holding his hand; I wanted to feel connected to him through his warm skin.

I opened the front door for Adam extremely reluctantly. It was almost like I was encouraging him to go home and get beat up. I didn’t actually want to let him out into the world. I wanted to keep him here all to myself because I was selfish and no one else deserved him.

We muttered very casual goodbyes and Adam gave me one last cautious look before turning and heading out the door. I watched him walk away for a minute, his longs legs and slim figure made him look graceful, especially since he wasn’t limping. I just hoped he wouldn’t be limping tomorrow. I resisted the urge to run to him and join him on his walk home so I could give his dad a taste of his own brutal medicine. As I stared at his retreating figure, I realized that Adam was really, _truly_ mine. I might have a real future with this man, and I could certainly grow old with him, spending the rest our lives together. I smiled to myself as I closed the door.

My smile was smacked right off when I turned around and saw both my parents far behind me, with stern expressions plastered onto their faces and their arms crossed defensively. I hesitated. Uh oh, this was never a good thing.

My mother got straight to the point. “Sauli, we don’t want you to bring that _Adam_ over here again,” she said, her voice firm with authority.

_ What?  _ “And why the Hell not?” I asked impatiently.

“We think he is a horrible influence,” My father sneered with a grimace, “We don’t want you anywhere near him. Just look at him. He was wearing makeup and nail polish. I think he has some kind mental problem, that, or he’s a filthy queer.”

I was flabbergasted. I never knew my parents were this level of ignorant. And I actually used the word “flabbergasted” because I was so shocked. 

“He does not have a mental problem!” I exclaimed, completely stunned by their stupidity. “He’s a nice guy, and he’s my friend!” Friend being a little inaccurate, but would I tell them we were dating after what they just said to me? Nope. Didn’t feel like being disowned.

I stormed my way past them and started to head up the stairs when I heard my mother again.

“Sauli, we’re your parents and we want what’s best for you. You’re forbidden from seeing him, except for at school where it can’t be helped, but we’ll be looking for a different school soon too. Anything to keep you safe,” my mother said, losing patience with me. So apparently, what’s best for me didn’t include my happiness.

I opened my mouth to protest, but my father held his finger up and cut me off. “That’s final. Don’t bring him over, don’t call him. If we find out you’ve been talking to him or her or whatever it is, we’re done with you. Got it?” My father nearly growled.

How _dare_ they? I was gripping the railing of the staircase so hard that my knuckles turned white. I couldn’t blow up at them now because they’d know something’s up. I didn’t need any more of their goddamn suspicion now. I huffed out a sharp breath. 

“Whatever,” I said coldly, storming back up to my room. Tears flowed as I shut the door behind me.


	38. Do You Fucking Get It Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well then... that was fun to write x) Enjoy :D REVIEWS ARE LOVE LOVE LOVED

Adam: 

The next day, I eagerly went to school just for Sauli. I promised I would see him today, and I would never go back on a promise. I got off easy last night. Eber hadn’t even been home so he had no idea that I had been gone all day. When he finally came back, I had pretended to be asleep, hoping he’d leave me alone. It’d worked. He hadn’t even come near my room. 

I hadn’t slept a wink; my mind had been racing all night. When the sun had finally risen, I dressed similar to the last time, clutched Sauli’s textbook, and slipped out of the house quietly before Eber woke up.

The hallways were empty except for a few random wanderers. Did class already start? How the heck was I late _again?_ I even left the house early today! I moved silently throughout the hall, heading for my locker. I smiled to myself when I caught sight of Sauli rummaging around in his locker. Funny how just a little while ago, I had acted like it was the end of the world to have him next my locker or anywhere near me. Now, it was one of the only positives of coming to school. 

I crept up behind him silently. I gripped his textbook and quickly smacked it playfully on his ass. Sauli yelped and flung around. I laughed, holding out his textbook to him. Sauli’s surprised expression instantly fell when his eyes landed on my face. He looked way too upset. I was instantly alarmed and worried. He took the textbook from my hands and placed it in his locker without a word.

“Sauli?” I asked softly, confused. Sauli flinched when he heard my voice. He turned around slowly. “Are you alright?” No answer. I stared at him for a minute, and he stared at the ground. Strangely hurt, I reached up and gently cupped his cheek, urging him to look at me. “Please say something.” 

He pushed my hand off his face. I dropped my arm instantly, stinging from the rejection.

What had I done wrong? I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him and beg him to tell me, but I stayed still, fearing more rejection. I couldn’t help but think it was because he was repulsed by what had happened yesterday. Did he realize how bad it was to be dating me? Did he think a same-sex relationship was gross now that he had a taste of it? Did he not want me anymore?

Sauli sighed when he saw the hurt in my eyes. “I’m not supposed to be talking to you,” he muttered.

“Why not?” I asked, nearly whining. I was still relieved he said something even though it was something I didn’t really want to hear. At least it was better than him telling me to get lost.

“Because I’ll be sent away to a different school and probably disowned if my parents find out,” he replied, hissing through his teeth. “They’ll try everything to keep me away from you.”

Oh no… What happened after I left last night? Strangely though, I wasn’t mad at his parents. They were right. It would be for his benefit to stay away from me. I could already see how interacting with me like this was starting to affect his life, and none of it was positive. He was setting himself up for a bad ending, twisting up with my horrid fate. I couldn’t hate his parents for threatening Sauli in order for him to not mingle with me because it was something I had once wanted to do as well. I just didn’t have the heart to push him away anymore because I liked the feeling of security I had with Sauli, and that was selfish of me. No matter how much it would pain me, a part of me _still_ wished Sauli would just want nothing to do with me anymore. As long I knew he’d have a better life, I could live with the _agony_ of losing him.

“I… understand,” I mumbled. Sauli’s head snapped up to me. “Sauli, they’re completely right, you know. It’s what’s best for you and I respect their decision. I’ll only ruin your life, I can’t make anything right. And I refuse to make it any harder for you.”

I turned to leave, fighting back against the stinging in my eyes and the lump in my throat. I barely took a couple of steps before I was jerked back around by my arm. I didn’t miss the moisture in Sauli’s eyes.

“Why are you so goddamn accepting of this bullshit?” Sauli asked, venom lining his voice. “I don’t want you to leave me. It’s not up to my parents to block me from you. It’s just not their place. It was my decision to be with you, and I don’t give a shit what I’ve gotten myself into. You’re much more important to me than their threats.”

“Then why weren’t you talking to me a few minutes ago?”

“Because I didn’t know how to fucking tell you because I was afraid you’d blow up, but obviously, that’s not the case. You just started to walk away like it was no big deal at all. Do you even want to be with me?” Sauli furrowed his brow. 

He doubted me. Of all things he should be worried about, he was worried about the most outrageous idea. Idiot. 

 I pushed him up against the locker in the empty hallway. Before he could spew any more ridiculousness, I pressed my lips against his. He didn’t respond at first, still doubting me. I massaged his lips gently with mine, sending him my answer. I held his arms down against the locker, trapping him with no escape. He finally responded when my tongue split the seam of his lips and he willingly gave me access. I sucked gently on his tongue and lips, savoring his taste. He moaned softly against my lips. I was already dizzy from his heated sweetness. I felt him shiver against me and he nipped at my lower lip. I tangled one hand in his hair and deepened the slow kiss, completely lost in it.

A sound of shock and disgust made me pull away immediately from Sauli, our lips making a smacking noise as we pulled apart. I instantly dropped my hands from Sauli and stepped back. I turned to see Sauli’s friends standing there with horror paled on their faces. Oh my fuck, they just saw all that. I was mortified. I stood frozen in terror, staring wide-eyed at them, and I knew Sauli was doing the same. I swear everyone could hear my heart thrashing in my chest in that moment of silence.

My feet were glued to the floor even as Alex marched up furiously to me, “You turned Sauli into a fag!” He didn’t pause as he reached me, his fist slammed into my cheek at once. My vision turned fuzzy for a moment, and I suddenly found myself lying on the cold tiles with a sharp ache on the side of my face. “You’re fucking _disgusting_. We should have gotten rid of you from day one!”

Sauli yelled something at him, but my head was spinning and I couldn’t focus. I didn’t have any time to fully register what had actually just happened until now. We’d actually been caught. I was horrified. Alex suddenly jumped on top of me, digging his knee into my gut, and pounding his fists down onto me. I flinched from pain with every strike. I dizzily struggled to get him off, still foggy-minded, but he was well-built and heavy. He was crushing me. 

Sauli suddenly grabbed at Alex, trying to pull him off of me, screaming at him. I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. It was like I was underwater. Everything was muffled because I was still in shock. Alex shouted, rearing back and slamming the side of his fist into Sauli’s head, knocking him down to the ground, but not before his head collided with the lockers. I heard Sauli cry out in pain. My eyes widened and my heart broke.

My head snapped clear. Everything was sharp again. My fury was overloading. He did _not_ just fucking hit Sauli. I was literally trembling with rage. Alex turned back to me. Suddenly, his weight on me was nothing. He was _nothing_. I clasped my boiling hands together and slammed them into the side of Alex’s head, and I heard a crack as he the force threw him off of me. Alex tumbled down and quickly staggered back up to his feet as I got up. He stared at me in shock, but I gave him no time to react before I was digging my nails into his neck in a chokehold. Alex gagged and I threw him to the ground. I was elated that my strength had come back so nicely after not being beaten for this record time. Alex bounced once on the tiles from the impact. I quickly slammed my boot into his chest as hard as I could and he cried out. I jumped on top of him, pinning him down, and repeatedly punched his fucking face in with the intention of making pretty little holes in his face with my knuckles. 

I earned screams from his friends, and yells of pain from Alex. It was like music to my ears. This was my time for revenge, and something had finally set me off. Each time my knuckles made contact with his face, I felt angrier and just not satisfied with the wreck on his face. I wasn’t even realizing that I using all of my force on him with no mercy. I couldn’t think straight, I just needed to _kill_. I smashed his face in, and the might in my fists was almost glowing. His face was battered and I wanted to laugh in fake pity. I was pretty sure I’d broken his now bruised nose and destroyed a few teeth. 

“DO YOU FUCKING GET IT NOW?” I roared at him, clobbering his face and gut. I didn’t even notice that my hands were covered in his blood.


	39. It's All Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REVIEWS are loved :) Longest chapter so far.

Sauli:

In my attempt to peel a raging Alex off of Adam, I felt a sharp blow to my cheek followed by a searing pain in my head. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground slowly regaining consciousness, with a dull throbbing in my skull. The terrified voices around me were muffled and foggy. My head was ringing. How long had I been out for?

My hearing sharpened and the world stopped spinning. As my eyes refocused from the ground, I noticed Adam on top of Alex, brutally attacking him. The look on Adam’s face was straight from the lowermost point of Hell. What the hell happened? Wasn’t Alex the one beating him up for kissing me? I’d been knocked out and woke up to see the roles completely switched and intensified. Adam didn’t look like he was trying to teach Alex a lesson. He looked like he wanted to _kill._ He wasn’t doing this because Alex punched me, right? My stomach flipped. Oh shit. It was sweet of him, but also insanely scary. My heart started racing in worry. Adam needed to fucking calm down _now._

In his blind fury, Adam just couldn’t stop assaulting the bully. He grunted with effort as he smashed his fists into Alex’s face. I heard a couple of sickening cracks. Alex was yelling in pain and out for help. Dakota and her friends were panicking and screaming at him to stop, but were too afraid that Adam might turn on them to actually do something about it. Their feet were glued to the ground. I knew I had to stop Adam before it was far too late. It probably already was. Nothing good would come out of this.

I scrambled to my feet, ignoring the sudden, sharp ache in my head, and ran over to Adam, who was straddling Alex’s waist and showing no mercy. He had his hands around Alex’s neck in a gagging chokehold and repeatedly smashing his head onto the stone tiles. Carefully avoiding his rage, I wrapped my arms around Adam’s waist, and tried to hull him off of Alex.

“Let me _go_!” yelled Adam, flailing in my arms. Did he even realize that I was up and conscious or was he too far gone? I only tightened my grip and heaved. I somehow managed to pull an extremely angry Adam off of the bloody brute, but as I jerked Adam to his feet, he kept shoving against me and struggling to escape my grasp. Even in his hasty fury, Adam still managed to not turn on me and hit _me._

“Adam, _stop!”_ I begged into his back as I continued struggling to keep my locked arms around him. But he kept fighting; all so he could jump back onto Alex and beat the shit out of him. He clearly wasn’t thinking straight enough to make rational decisions. The ache in my head was becoming more intense and harder to ignore. How the hell had no one else heard all of this noise? Adam yelled out in frustration a few times, and his wild eyes were still locked onto Alex who was lying completely motionless on the ground. An alarm went off in my head. Oh God.

“ _ADAM!”_ I barked at him, trying to snap him out of his rage.

Adam stopped struggling for just a _moment,_ surprised by the loud outburst coming from me. I seized the second-long eye of the storm to let go of his waist and grab onto either side of his head, jerking his body around to look at me. Adam’s glazed eyes frantically flickered over my face. He didn’t seem to actually _see_ me. His fists were clenched tight and his body was vibrating with heat. I rubbed circles into his cheeks, and stared into his eyes, pleading for him silently to stop. His eyes seemed to focus and finally recognize me, coming back down to reality. His body loosened and the shaking stopped.

Realization struck Adam’s face, and he tried to turn to look at the damage he’d done to Alex, but my grip on his face remained. I insisted he didn’t look away. He didn’t need to see that and think he was a monster. He wasn’t. He just… lost control to protect me. Adam’s eyes were cleared now, but filled with worry and fear. I stroked his cheek with my thumb, trying to comfort him, and his eyes moistened. This was our last moment of calm. We both knew what was coming.

As if on cue, the bell rang. One of the teachers turned the corner and came down the hall. Chattering students started filing out of the classrooms. Everyone stopped when they reached us. All of the casual sounds and conversations ceased. Some people screamed out in terror when they saw Alex. The teacher had stopped dead in his tracks and had a bewildered look on his face. Dakota and the rest of her friends took the opportunity and ran up to the teacher, yelling and crying about what Adam did. Already, people had their phones out and no doubt calling 911. Students were leaning over a bloodied Alex, murmuring loudly with concern. Everyone was freaking out. 

I just couldn’t tear my eyes away from Adam’s. He couldn’t either. I kept my hands on his face and tuned out all the commotion around me for as long as possible, just focusing on Adam and what he had just done for _me._ Adam’s hands started trembling again at his sides.So many things were said through our silent communication. Soon, too soon, Adam was jerked out of my hands, and they stung from the emptiness. Adam didn’t fight back. The teacher was screaming his head off at Adam, but he never even looked away from me. The voices and people around me seemed to muffle and blur. Adam was the only one in focus. Our eyes never unlocked, even as the teacher gripped his arm and roughly pulled him to the office. But then we were separated by walls, leaving me all alone in that crowded hallway.

I still couldn’t move, even as an ambulance showed up, even as Alex was put onto the stretcher, even as people questioned me about what had happened. I just didn’t know what to say to anyone. I was shocked and terrified to stone. What _had_ happened anyway? Had Adam really just risked everything to defend me? I was shaking. I didn’t even notice that I was being dragged away by the principal into a room.

***

I couldn’t sleep at all during the night. The ache in my head was getting worse. I tossed and turned and cried for hours. The principal hadn’t blamed me for any of it. I remembered being pissed off at that since it was practically all my fault, but not saying anything. The principal had ordered me to head straight home while they sorted this entire thing out. I had tried to explain that Adam was trying to protect me, but he hadn’t wanted to hear any of it. He’d just sent me off. 

I had no way of knowing what happened to Alex. Was he still alive? I hoped the damages weren’t as bad as they seemed, for Adam’s sake. I had no idea what was going to happen to Adam. I knew there was no way he was getting off easy. He was probably going to be sent to a juvenile detention hall or worse, an actual jail for years. My stomach churned at the thought. Why did he fucking have to do it? He just ruined _everything_ for himself for _me._

The entire next day went by in a slow blur. I lethargically trudged myself to my last period class, feeling less than shitty. My head was _still_ throbbing like a bitch. I should probably have that checked out, but I just didn’t care anymore. Everyone had been quiet the entire day. Nobody even looked at me or said a word to me. Good. I didn’t want to fucking face anybody right now. Is this how Adam felt all the time? It was horrible. I sat in the desk next to Adam’s, looking over at his empty desk, and sighed. I wanted to cry again. Adam hadn’t shown up all day. I was probably prematurely aging from all of this worry. Where was he?

Mr. Davidson walked in, looking at a sheet of paper in his hands. He stood in the middle of the class, and silently read whatever was on the sheet to his self. I instantly knew what it was. I sat upright in my chair, awaiting the verdict.

He looked up, straight at me, then to the rest of the class. “Class,” He said, getting everyone’s attention. “Due to… unfortunate violent behavior, Alex Dalton will not be coming to school for the next couple of weeks. And for reasons untold, he didn’t want to press charges or take legal action against the suspected.” A breath of relief came from me. Thank fuck he wasn’t pressing charges, but _why?_ “This document also says that our fellow student, Adam Lambert, has indeed been expelled from the premises.”

Murmurs filled the room. I couldn’t believe it. _No._ My eyes started filling with tears. They expelled him? They expelled him for defending himself and _me?_ Unbelievable, I was just… speechless and furious. Shit, and if he’s not at school, it means he’s at home more often… with his father. _No. No. No._ Was he at home right now? He could be gasping for life right now as far as I knew. Baby… __

I felt sick to my stomach. I stood up, my chair scraping loudly against the floor, and everyone turned to look at me. I was literally shaking with anger and worry now. I couldn’t stay here any fucking longer. I ignored the bastards and stormed away, shoving past a very shocked Mr. Davidson. I left the class, tuning out my teacher’s calls. I grabbed my worthless shit out of my locker and proceeded to run all the way home.

I didn’t know where Adam lived, I didn’t have his phone number, and now he wouldn’t be at school anymore. Would I ever see him again? Sure, he could come find my house, but why would he? I was the reason he was fucking expelled. I don’t even want to see my face anymore, so why would he? I couldn’t blame him if he hated me.

I felt a sudden rush of depression. Adam was gone. I wasn’t going to see him again. I was fucking left alone in this shithole and it was my entire fault. Why did I ever have to butt into Adam’s life so much? I screwed everything up for him by trying to _help_ him. I made it all worse. I deserved to die. I felt like screaming and punching everything in my way.

The second I got home, I threw the door open and stormed over to my parents who were sitting at the dinner table, drinking their goddamn coffee like everything was fine in this world. They looked up in alarm at my furious expression.

“ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW?” I screamed. “HE’S GONE. THEY EXPELLED ADAM. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? NOT BECAUSE HE WAS DOING DRUGS, OR SMUGGLING ALCOHOL OR HAVING SEX IN THE PARKING LOT. IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS DEFENDING ME. HE GAVE EVERYTHING UP TO PROTECT ME, AND NOW HE’S GONE! THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME IS _GONE_. BE PROUD OF THAT, ASSHOLES!”

My mother’s jaw dropped. I had never even used that language around them before. I was always their perfect little angel. Fuck them. Fuck everything.

They were speechless. I turned with an angry groan and tore up the stairs to my room, and the tears were flowing before I even closed the bedroom door. I collapsed onto my velvety couch and sobbed, staining the expensive fabric. I could still smell Adam’s faded, enticing scent on the couch.  I felt completely hopeless. Everything was messed up. I couldn’t fix _anything_. I only made it all worse for everybody. _Adam… I’m so fucking sorry._ __

I gripped at the couch, burying my tear-stricken face into it, memories of Adam and me popping into my head without my permission. The relaxing way he had held me, the lustful way he had kissed me, the heartbreaking way he had looked at me with those mysterious eyes of his… I missed him so much already.

***

Two more days passed. I didn’t go to school for either of them. My parents were beyond outraged at me, but I didn’t care. They yelled at me, pleaded with me, bribed me, and threatened me, all through my bedroom door. They would give up and try again a couple of hours later. I locked myself in my room and did nothing. I literally just sat and stared at the wall. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I was just depressed that I couldn’t see Adam. It’s only been three days in total without him, but I literally worried myself sick. It’s like all of my energy faded, and all of my motivation was gone. What was the point of anything anymore?

Other than feeling completely useless, I was so angry at everyone. Words couldn’t express my fury for these bastards. If it weren’t for them, Adam and I could have still been together, and _happy;_ notalways running and hiding from society. I couldn’t take it anymore. My knuckles turned white from clenching them so hard. I stood up from the couch and pounded my fist into the wall, smashing a hole into it. 

“FUCK,” I screamed. 

Pain seared through my arm. I took my hand out and fell onto my knees, breaking down again. My knuckles were bleeding and bruised. I remembered Adam’s bloody hands, how much my pain had angered him, and how far he had gone to protect me… In that moment, he had shown just how much he cared, for his stoic personality never really revealed that until he finally cracked. He was willing to give up _everything_ for me. 

_ Adam _ … I stood up, cradling my bloody fist in my left hand, and cried as I stumbled into the bathroom. I scattered the contents of my cabinet until I found the shiny, sleek piece of metal. I stared at the razor blade for a long minute, and any ability to rationalize was gone. I felt like a robot: Mechanical, with no control over myself.

Adam had said he did it to take the pain away. I hadn’t really believed him, but now I was desperate for some kind of relief. Could it help my pain? Automatically, I moved the blade closer to my wrist, digging the tip into my skin until I felt the flesh tear. I winced with pain, and then relaxed immensely when I suddenly felt number. My cluttered mind was forgotten for a moment. Curious, I dragged the blade down my tanned forearm, feeling it sink even deeper. I focused on the blood oozing out. I was fascinated. I dug the blade even deeper, then cried out when a sudden jolt of pain seared through my body. I’d gone too deep. I was sure of it. The numbness in my body returned, but in a much stronger wave than before. I couldn’t even hold my arm up. The blade dropped from my hand, and crimson gushed out of my arm. I stared, numb, mesmerized by the flow. I felt strangely fainter and fainter. The feeling in my entire upper body was gone. Even the sharp aches in my head disappeared. I couldn’t keep myself upright. My legs finally gave away, and before I knew it, I was on the ground, feeling incredibly sleepy in my own blood.


	40. Where Are You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Finally updating. I know it's been longer than usual, but hey, this one is ridiculously long compared to the other chapters. I hope you enjoy. :) REVIEWS ARE LOVED <3

Adam: 

I sat nervously in the office, waiting for the principal to arrive.  My leg bounced furiously with impatience. My hands were limp by my side, and I didn’t want to look at them since they were covered with dried blood. Did I have any regrets for what I had done to Alex? None. Alex laying a single hand on Sauli made me finally crack. I didn’t know why or when I had become so protective of Sauli, but the yell of pain that ripped from his throat… it just did something to me. I couldn’t stand witnessing him in pain, especially since I could get rid of the cause with ease.

The problem now was the aftermath of it all. I had no idea whether or not Alex was dead, and if he was, I could kiss the rest of my life goodbye since I’d be rotting in a cell somewhere. I’d been sitting here for a few hours now. School was over, and I was the only student still here. They just kept me in this room until they could figure out a way to deal with me. I wondered if they’d call my father yet. If they did, I was surely going to have hellfire waiting for me back home. But you know what? I didn’t care if Alex was alive. I didn’t care if they sent me to jail. I didn’t care about the terror waiting for me at home. My only concern at this point was if Sauli was alright.

His eyes. Those bright blue orbs that I’d grown so fond of snapped me out of my rage. Fear had been swirling in them, and that’s what caused me to come back down. Sauli’s fear wasn’t because of Alex, it was because of _me._ I’d scared him more than ever trying to protect him. He seemed more affected by my actions than by Alex’s attack. In that moment, I had realized that I had just ruined everything by acting so carelessly. I had just stared at Sauli for as long as possible. I didn’t know if I was going to see him anymore. I’d wanted to imprint his image into my brain forever. Whatever happened to me now... I could handle. I just hoped I at least gave Sauli the easier end of the stick. I had no idea what happened to him after they dragged me off. I just hoped he wouldn’t end up like me. I hoped no one would treat him like he was less than nothing. He was _everything._

I was getting restless and antsy. Sitting here in this retirement home-themed office and thinking about Sauli’s wellbeing wasn’t helping me either. Why couldn’t they just hurry the fuck up? Just tell me that I’m going to jail or something, it would be a lot better than this wait. I tapped my boot-clad foot tensely in time with the slow-ticking clock on the wall that I stared at. It was getting late. Why hadn’t the police shown up?

The door opened with a creak and in walked Mr. Anderson, the principal. 

Hallelujah! It’s about goddamn time!

I found myself suddenly missing the wait the moment Mr. Anderson quietly sat down at his office desk in front of me and folded his hands together. His aging face looked disappointed, and his white eyebrows furrowed in anger and confusion. I gulped. I was not getting any good news anytime soon. I sat up straight and waited for him to say something. My heart started pounding faster. I took in a deep breath and looked down at my boots.

“…Why?” I heard a gruff voice say. My head slowly turned up, and Mr. Anderson added, “What on Earth caused you to think it would be a good idea to brutally attack a student like that?”

“I-I…” I stuttered. I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. I knew my reason: Sauli. But was I supposed to tell this guy? That I was trying to defend my _boyfriend?_ My heart lurched at the last word. 

Mr. Anderson waited for a pointless answer. _He was attacking me and my boyfriend._ I just couldn’t spit that out. I still wasn’t able to talk about this so openly. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t force the damned words out of my throat. And I knew fully well how traditional this principal was. He wouldn’t understand, and he’d be on the other side with everyone else. But I couldn’t lie to him either because it would cause problems later on. I had no other choice. I would keep quiet. 

There was a soft knock on the door, and Mr. Anderson stood up in frustration and groaned before the office door opened and the receptionist held out a phone to him. He rolled his eyes and took the phone from her, shooing her out. He slammed the door shut.

“Hello?” Mr. Anderson barked into the phone as he ran his hand through his full head of white hair. His expression turned to shock and then confusion as the voice on the line responded. His rough voice was calmer as he replied, “From the hospital? …Alright… If that’s what you wish, Mr. Dalton.” 

Mr. Anderson held out the phone to me with reluctance, not wanting to give me the phone when my hands were covered in brown, dried blood. My eyes widened. What the hell? Mr. Dalton? That was Alex.

I slowly took the phone and held it to my ear, ignoring Mr. Anderson’s annoying glare. 

“Hello?” I tried, too dumbfounded by this to inject venom into my voice.

“Adam?” I heard an eerily familiar voice croak. Alex called me by my first name… That hadn’t happened for years. “I know you d-don’t want to talk to me, but just listen…” His voice was weak and forced. I did some damage he’d remember for a long while, that was for sure. I mentally smirked. “…I’m sorry.” _What?!_ I nearly dropped the phone. I couldn’t imagine what my face looked like. “I didn’t realize… look… okay, um, I wanted you to know that um, I convinced my parents not to press charges.” Wow. I was speechless, and not to mention _confused._ So many questions floated around in my head.

But all I mustered up and said was, “T-thanks?” I’m an idiot. At least I meant it. 

There was a moment of awkward silence on the line before Mr. Anderson rudely ripped the phone out my hand and hung up. I gaped at him. That was unnecessary.

I wasn’t going to jail. 

It took a moment for that to sink in. I couldn’t believe _Alex_ did that for me. Why though? I just didn’t understand. Did I literally knock some sense into him? I was so shocked and relieved at the news that I didn’t notice Mr. Anderson sit back down at his desk and call out for my attention. 

“ _Mr. Lambert,”_ He sneered again. I didn’t get why he was being such an ass to me. Something told me he already knew _exactly_ why I attacked Alex. I looked back at him, getting annoyed. “Let’s get straight to the point. Your actions completely violated multiple rules at this school.” No shit, Sherlock. “I have no choice but to expel you permanently.” 

My relief was wiped away in a flash. My jaw dropped slightly. _Expelled?_ My breath hitched in my throat. _Expelled?_  It took a minute for my head to wrap around that. _Expelled?_ At least I didn’t have to deal with the bullshit academics… but… _Expelled,_ meaning I couldn’t come back to this school ever again, meaning I wouldn’t see Sauli everyday anymore, and meaning I had no other place to hide from my father. It didn’t make sense why that would bother me more than having to go to jail, but it did. Come on, Adam. You got off easy. Something had to have happened. It’s not like they were going to give you candy. 

“Take your things from your locker and leave,” Mr. Anderson finished. I blinked. Just like that? I was done here? 

Automatically, I stood up and swiftly exited the office without another word. I immediately washed my cracking bloody hands in the washroom. It was the same washroom where Sauli had admitted his feelings for me. I smiled at myself in the mirror, remembering. The hallways felt suffocating even though they were completely empty. I took the few personal items I had in my locker and shoved them into my bag before I left the school forever. I didn’t feel like I would miss it at all. But what was I going to do about Sauli? What was he going to do when he found out I’d been expelled? A small, dark part of me hoped he would forget me and move on with his life. The rest of me hopelessly dreaded his absence. He was the only motivation I had left… and I wasn’t going to see him anymore? My throat felt suddenly tight. I forced a deep breath. No. I couldn’t do this anymore without him. I _would_ find him. 

***

I sat on my bed and waited. Miraculously, Eber hadn’t been home when I had arrived. Now it was only a matter of time before he would show up with the intention to kill me after the school called him. And this time, I was ready for him. I wanted to confront him before I left. This was the longest I’ve ever had to heal. I finally regained my full strength. I knew my father knew that too, and was going to try to break me down to what I was before. I wasn’t going to let him. I could stop him now. I _would_ stop him. I was done with all that bullshit. I didn’t really know what I was going to do, but I couldn’t let him pummel me down to a pulp again. 

I waited for hours, but Eber didn’t show up. Eventually, my eyes started drooping and I realized how exhausted I was. I yawned, suddenly too tired to stay sitting. I gently fell over onto my pillow and drifted off into a calm slumber…. 

I jolted upright and awoke when I heard the front door slam, shaking the house. I quickly glanced out the window. The sun was already at the highest point in the sky. I slept through the entire night? My heart started thrashing in my chest as I heard Eber’s heavy boots slamming against the ground as he made his way to the stairs. My breathing was shaky and uneven as I sat still on the edge of my bed. This was it. I was either going to die today or escape.

In no time at all, Eber forcefully threw my door open and it shook as it crashed into the wall. The huge body of my father crowded my room. His eyes landed on me and they narrowed into slits. He was gripping onto a beer bottle, which he set down sharply onto my dresser. Eber looked strangely dishevelled, more so than usual, not to mention he hadn’t even come home at all last night. He looked sweaty and worn out. What the hell happened to him?

“ _You,”_ Eber spat. “The school called. You _revolting_ faggot. You were expelled for kissing all over another faggot in public?” He gagged and bit back bile. “How could you be so fucking disgusting? I want to puke just looking at you. What a _foul_ display those poor people had to see. I fucking have enough to worry about right now!” What the hell was _he_ worried about?

I shot him a glare. The memory of that kiss flooded back to me. It was not foul. It was not disgusting. My father’s words meant nothing to me anymore. Sauli’s kiss always made me feel euphoric. The way he held me and caressed me made me feel wanted and _worth_ something. Sauli… I missed him so much already. Who would have thought that the one person who I tried so hard to hate would end up being the one last thing worth fighting for? 

I was brought out of my reverie when I heard Eber yelling out a profanity. Before I could react, his elbow smashed into the side of my head, throwing me off the bed. I hit the ground on my side with a thud. I groaned out load at the sharp ache in my head. I could feel my blood starting to boil. I was so sick of this. Me and my scalp yelled out in pain as Eber pulled me to my feet by my hair and roughly dug his knuckles into my gut. S _top._ __

One of my hands flew to my head to claw off his grip on my hair. Eber yelled out when I dug my nails into his hand. He immediately let go of my hair and my scalp sighed in relief. Without waiting another second, I shoved him back with all my might. Eber staggered backward, catching himself on my dresser. He looked shocked and even more pissed.

My eyes were filled with a crazed look. My hands were clenched so tight that my knuckles turned white. I screamed at him, letting out all of my rage, “I’M _NOT_ DISGUSTING. I’M _NOT_ A _FAGGOT_. YES, I’M GAY. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS. UNTIL NOW, I DIDN’T REALLY EITHER. BUT FINALLY, I UNDERSTAND. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M IN _LOVE.”_ I stopped for a second, realizing what I just said. Was I in love with Sauli? My throat felt tight and my eyes moistened slightly as the answer to my question immediately arrived without any hesitation. _Yes._ My stomach flipped. I continued, quieter than before, “I’m in love with the most amazing person. He makes me feel like I’m worth something, which you’ve been trying to crush ever since mom died. _Fuck you.”_

I finished my outburst by punching Eber square in the nose, hearing a satisfying crack. He yelled out in pain as he held onto his broken, bloody nose. With a furious roar, Eber charged at me, knocking me down to the ground and landing on top of me. We aggressively wrestled on the ground, and it was a pretty even fight, but still he managed to pin me down every time I retaliated. His face was bloody and bruised, and mine wasn’t hurting anywhere. My abdomen wasn’t so lucky. It’s like he was trying to beat down on my organs and kill me. I wouldn’t kill him. I could never. Not even now.

I growled at Eber and somehow managed to knee him hard enough from underneath him for him to yell out in pain and relax his weight on me. I immediately smashed a fist into his head and flipped us over. Even with Eber on his back, I knew I couldn’t keep him down. Shit, I hadn’t thought this through. He had been trained for this years back. I couldn’t win, could I? Not unless I killed him, which I wasn’t going to do. But if I didn’t do _something,_ I was going to die. I looked around spastically, trying to find _anything_ that could help me out. 

I had a moment of “Eureka!” as I noticed the huge, full, beer bottle on my dresser. All this took about two seconds. I didn’t give Eber any time to get up. I reached up, gripped the cold bottle by the neck, took one look at my father, and then smashed the glass bottle over his head as hard as I possibly could. Eber yelled out in pain. How did it feel, bitch? I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment as glass flew everywhere. Beer soaked everything. My father’s eyes shut and he stopped moving. I knocked him out. Good. I breathed heavily, exhausted, and climbed off of him.

I didn’t have much time or much of a plan. I just knew I had to leave, and _now._ I grabbed my messenger bag and looked around my room. I ended up packing an extra shirt, extra pants, extra underwear, my toothbrush, and whatever else I thought was necessary. I shoved it all into my bag. I took out my father’s wallet from his immobile body, and grinned when I saw the big wad of cash. I took his entire wallet and put into my bag after throwing out his ugly licenses and IDs. 

I set out of the house, thinking about where I could go. I just knew I needed to see Sauli first, no matter where I decided to go. School was over soon, so there was no way I could catch him there before he went home. I wish I fucking knew his actual address. All I had was my memory. I tried to find his house for a couple of hours, but to no avail. The sun was starting to set and I needed a place to sleep. It wouldn’t be a great idea to wander around this city at night. I would go back and wait for Sauli at the school tomorrow. But I wasn’t going to go home, no fucking way. I could only think of one other place that no one really visited: The same little grassy area I had come out to Sauli in. 

I arrived and immediately collapsed onto the cool, tall grass, and breathed in the sweet scent of woods. I watched the sunset with serenity. The gorgeous colors filled the sky with delicate patterns. I wished I’d seen a sunset before, it was amazing. The quiet sounds of the world were like a lullaby. Eventually, the night fell, and I stared at the star-painted sky until sleep washed over me.

The next morning, I headed over to the school. I staked out, hidden by a few trees across the street of the campus. I watched all of the students arrive, and scanned each one to double check Sauli wasn’t with them. I couldn’t actually go onto the property. I _really_ didn’t want to face any of those people again, and they would probably call the police if I was caught inside the school. I waited an hour. The bell rang, and no students were outside. I furrowed my brow, confused. Where was Sauli? Did they expel him too? I didn’t think so. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Maybe he just had a cold and couldn’t make it today? Whatever the case, I decided to come back tomorrow. Yay, I had to spend another night in the grass. Great.

The next morning, he wasn’t there, again. Sauli never showed up. I had one option left: To find his goddamn house. I’d been to his house twice, and I sort of, kind of, not really, knew the general direction of it. I knew the first few turns starting from the school, but after that it became a guessing game. I was getting frustrated, turning back a few times, changing directions, stopping and thinking. I ended up on a street I’d never seen before. I groaned out loud, turning around, and stomping back to where I began. It continued like that for hours. I was hungry, tired, and pissed. I should have fucking paid more attention when I walked with him to his house. Sauli… Where are you? I wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. I _had_ to see Sauli again. It was driving me crazy.

I stared at the sidewalk as I walked, my sides aching slightly from yesterday. Where the hell was I going? I looked up, frustrated, and glanced around. My eyes widened and I gasped, staring at the familiar mansion. I had randomly stumbled upon Sauli’s house. I recognized it immediately and literally cried out in joy and relief. I ran up to the front door, about to knock, and then froze just before my knuckles hit the door. Sauli’s parents were home. Their car was in the driveway. Shit. Now how was I going to see him? I trekked around the house to the back, scanning the siding for a way in. Yes, I was that determined that I would break into the house. 

I grinned when I saw an open window on the second floor, and the vine trellis leading all the way up. It’s like they were begging me to come in. I really hoped that was Sauli’s room. It seemed like it. The view was the same as I remembered it. I cracked my knuckles, getting ready to climb. I started climbing up the trellis with ease, hissing lightly in annoyance every time a thorn from the vines stabbed me. I made it all the way to the top, shrugged my bag off of my shoulder, and flung it into the room. Then, I hauled myself up and through the window, tumbling down to the floor. And touchdown! I instantly knew this was Sauli’s room. I laughed quietly to myself in disbelief. I actually made it.

I got up and looked around. There wasn’t a sign of Sauli. Was he downstairs? I doubted that. Sauli didn’t seem to really be one to hang around his parents, plus he had everything he needed up here in his ridiculous room. But he wasn’t at school either, so I was confused. I continued scanning around, and I smirked when I saw the couch, remembering what we had done on it. My heart started beating faster at the intense memories. I took a deep breath. Not now, Adam. Focus.

I called out to Sauli, remembering that his room was sound-proofed. I walked through the hall of his room, feeling a chill go up my spine as I got closer to the bathroom. I felt strangely eerie as I reached the closed door. My heart was pounding, but not for the same reason as before. I knocked gently. No answer. I could see the light coming from under the door, but it was too quiet in there.

I knocked a little louder and called out nervously, “Sauli?” He still didn’t answer. I gulped.

I hesitantly gripped the doorknob and turned it, pushing the door open slowly. I peered in and gasped. My hand flew to my mouth to keep from screaming and I staggered back in horror.

Blood. Lots of blood. All over the floor. That was the first thing I saw. 

Sauli, lying immobile in the blood. Second thing I saw.

“ _Sauli!”_ I yelled in terror. I dropped to my knees, carefully avoiding the blood. I could barely see out of my eyes, there were tears filling them. I was shaking like never before. I gently pulled Sauli up into a sitting position with his back resting against the counter. I was freaking out. _Where the fuck was the blood coming from?!_

That’s when I saw his limp arm, with a giant gash running down the length of it. 

“Oh my god, oh fuck,” I croaked loudly. I couldn’t breathe. _No._ He wasn’t… he couldn’t… “Please wake up,” I cried, when his eyes didn’t even show hope of opening.


	41. An Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of y'all are confused x) Sauli's been in the bathroom for maybe a couple of hours. Both Sauli and Adam's last POVs started with the aftermath of the school thing and ended four days later with Sauli in the bathroom. ANYWAY, It's going to be harder to update once school starts again O_e HOPE YOU ENJOY. SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT AND THIS LONG NOTE. COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ARE MUCH ADORED.

Sauli: 

I thought I was dead when I heard the most beautiful voice in the world. I was just vaguely aware of another presence with me. My eyelids felt like weights. It was a struggle to open them the tiniest bit. I knew I was dead when I peered through slits at the most gorgeous angel in front of me.

Then, something felt wrong. The beautiful voice sounded distressed and scared. It was all muffled and foggy, but I could hear it calling out with its terrified cries. The gorgeous, blurred face was red from… sobbing? I was confused. Were angels supposed to look and sound so tortured? I couldn’t keep my heavy eyelids up. I let them droop back down and darkness filled my sight again. I just couldn’t understand. This couldn’t be Heaven. I smelled blood. 

_ …Please… up… _

I heard the muffled voice again. It was so muted. I could barely hear it.

_ Sauli… don’t…                                                  _

Me? Don’t what? Who was this angel? It sounded strangely familiar, like a voice you’d remember from a dream. Ugh. This was frustrating me. Why couldn’t I fucking hear properly? Death wasn’t supposed to be this uncomfortable. I could barely feel my body except for a faint, strange tugging on my arm. At least I thought it was my arm. Why couldn’t I even move? Maybe if I—

_ SAULI, PLEASE! _

Adam _?!_

Not an instant later, everything shot into focus and cleared. I found myself resurfacing, like coming up for air after being underwater too long. My senses burst alive. My eyes snapped open.

 I blinked a few times, adjusting to the light. Why was I in my bathroom? I tried to recall what had happened. I glanced down and saw the blood smeared on the floor and my clothes. _Oh._ Now I remembered. I heard a sniffle and I looked up, catching sight of… Adam? 

_ Adam.  _ My beautiful angel was Adam.

Except, apparently I was alive, and Adam was actually here, in front of me, and _crying_. I could feel him holding on and prodding my arm. I was still a bit foggy, but mostly just confused. I gazed down casually at my arm that was locked into place by firm hands and was instinctually alarmed at the huge gash. I hadn’t realized it was that bad. I gasped and jerked slightly.

Adam’s reddened and moist blue eyes glanced up at me. He did a double take, and sucked in a quick intake of air when he saw my eyes open. I half smiled sadly at him. Adam cried out in relief and dropped my battered forearm, which had stopped bleeding, and tears flowed out of his eyes even more. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me fiercely into his chest. His broken breaths and relieved sounds shook my body with his. While he freaked out and held me too tight to him, I relaxed into his chest and smiled, savoring the moment. He was here. I inhaled deeply. Adam’s divine scent diluted the metallic smell of blood.

“Adam…” I mumbled weakly into his chest.

Adam let go of me and gently pushed me back against the counter by my shoulders. He kept breathing unstably. I shushed him quietly, trying to get him to calm down.

He wiped his face and looked at me with the most terrified and wild expression I’d ever seen on him, like he was just waiting for me to black out again. He was still speechless. He seemed like he had been so afraid that I was dead. My heart cracked and warmed at the same time. 

My good hand reached up slowly to stroke his hair. I had almost reached his head when suddenly, the relief on Adam’s face was replaced by pain and anger, and he smacked my hand away. I frowned at him.

“W-what in the fuck were you thinking?” Adam half yelled, though his voice was rough and weak. “I never thought that you would— I just— I can’t— Why did—” He stuttered, so shocked he couldn’t even form a sentence. Adam exhaled sharply, clearly frustrated at his own incoherency.  He cleared his throat and continued, “Do you not realize that I would _kill_ myself if you were to die? I _can’t_ do this without you anymore.” I gulped. I could see the sincerity and worry on his face as he talked. My thoughts raced.

I couldn’t reply. I didn’t know what to say. I just stared at my hands resting in my lap, ashamed. My eyes traced over the gash in my arm. My eyes widened in alarm when blood started flowing out of it again. I started feeling sick and faint. Adam made a frustrated and scared noise. I looked up at his ashen face as he took my bleeding arm again. At least he had stopped crying. He set it down for a moment, and I watched as he took off his jacket and threw it into the corner. Then he took off his black shirt. I gaped, confused. I gasped when I saw his chest and back. Fresh bruises and multiple old scars decorated him. I knew the scars on his abdomen _weren’t_ ones he made by himself. I looked down and my eyes moistened. I still couldn’t believe or accept what Adam had gone through in his short life. It was horrifying.

I refocused when I heard the sharp sound of fabric tearing. I looked up in time to see Adam ripping his shirt into long strips. I tried to ignore the attractive way his biceps flexed as he tore the shirt apart. 

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused. 

“Shush,” Adam muttered softly. His sad, scared expression was gone and was replaced by sheer focus and determination of keeping me alive and conscious.

I just stared quietly as Adam took my arm again and started bandaging it up with the strips of his shirt.  

“Where did you learn how to do that?” I asked, surprised and impressed by how professionally he was wrapping me up.

Adam peered up at me with sad eyes for a second before focusing on my arm. “Well… when you’re in a… situation like mine—” He jerked a knot tight. “—you have to learn to keep yourself alive.” He appeared to be done after a few minutes, but he just frowned at my arm. “This isn’t going to hold for very long. You’re going to need stitches. I could do them myself, but I don’t have the tools here.”

“I’m sorry,” I said abruptly. Adam looked up at me and smiled slightly, still shaken by the whole thing. He weaved his fingers with mine while still holding my arm up. “You don’t know how happy I am,” I said slowly, looking for the right words, “to see you. I did this because I thought you were gone for good. The thought of never seeing your face again…” I shuddered.

Adam closed his eyes. He squeezed my hand harder. He spoke softly, but full of promise, “I’ll never leave you again.” 

I smiled, pondering that. I could easily spend the rest of my life with this man. Then I really realized he was in my bathroom. “Um… How did you get up here?”

Adam forced a laugh, trying to relax after his panicking, “I was expelled of course. I’m sure you’ve heard. My father did and I did fight, but this time I just couldn’t take it and I smashed his head with a bottle.” He laughed again at my expression. “Then I took everything I needed and left. I don’t plan on going back. I spent the next two days looking for your house and waiting for you at school, but you never showed up.” He smiled faintly. My jaw dropped. Two days? He waited at school for me? Fuck, why had I stayed home? Ugh, I was an idiot. “I found your house at last, and your window was open, so I climbed up the trellis and came in through the window.” His amused expression softened. “I didn’t expect to see… this.”

I gaped at him. He did all that for me? After what had happened? I thought he would hate me. He should. 

Adam quietly waited for me to say something, but then chuckled again at my speechlessness. I wanted to dive into his laughter and swim in it. He put his arms around my shoulders and under my legs, lifting me up easily to his chest as he stood up. I yelped in surprise and clung to him. He set me down on the edge of the counter, and stood between my legs so we were at the same eye level.

Adam held my head in both hands gently and stared deep into my eyes, repeating, “Don’t ever do that again. I was wrong for doing it. If you died, I could not live with myself. I _need_ you."

“Why?” I asked. “I’ve messed _everything_ up trying to fix it, and I even got you expelled. How could you _ever_ even—”

He stopped me by leaning in and pressing his lips to mine in a chaste kiss. He pulled away after a moment, his face only inches away. 

“Because,” Adam said ever so softly, “I’m in _love_ with you.”

My heart almost exploded. My stomach flipped. My body was a mess of stunned reactions, and I nearly squeaked in surprise and delight. To hear something like that come out of _Adam’s_ mouth was shocking enough. I had doubted he would ever say that to me. I would never have thought in a million years that the brooding man who hated everyone would love me. It was mind-boggling. He was in love with me. Adam was in _love_ with me. I blinked as my eyes stung with moisture. 

I clasped my hands around the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. I gave his beautiful and sure face one last look before I shut my eyes, closed the space between us, and took his lips with my own. I kissed him as softly and sweetly as I could, jolts of joy spiking every now and then. The _taste_ and feel of his lips were always just so… unimaginable. That’s the only word I could describe it with in that moment. I pulled away slightly, our lips still touching.

“I love you, so much,” I half-whispered against his mouth. I moved closer to kiss him again, but Adam pulled away slightly and frowned, looking down.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, stupidly fearing rejection. 

“It’s just,” he mumbled, “No one’s ever said that to me before. It’s… strange.” My face fell and my heart swelled in sadness. Adam…

I pulled him to me again, cupping onto both of his cheeks and looking into his eyes. “I love you more than my own life,” I said surely and firmly. Then I kissed him again, harder this time.

“I love you,” I repeated between short, passionate kisses, over and over again, trying to make up for the lack of that saying in Adam’s life. I could feel him smiling against my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFFFFFF


	42. A Dream?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whee :D Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. :)

Adam:

Hearing Sauli say he loved me, over and over again as he kissed me, made me feel beyond words. It was just… exhilarating. I never thought anyone would _ever_ even come close to loving me. And hearing it from this perfect, incredible man was unbelievable.

I held the sides of Sauli’s head gently as I molded my lips with his, kissing him with a sense of gratitude for loving me. Sauli had his good hand on my shirtless waist and his bad one hanging limply by his side. I loved how his hand felt on my bare flesh. He proceeded to trace my lower lip with his tongue, slicking it up. I growled and tangled my hands into his hair, pulling him forward and crushing his lips against mine again. My tongue split the seam of his lips and twisted with his. He moaned deeply. Holy fuck, I loved his moans too much. They were fiercely encouraging. He kept moaning every now and then, sending vibrations into my lips as my tongue explored every inch of his mouth. Sauli sweetly nipped at my upper lip and my grip on his hair tightened. His hand flew to the back of my neck and pulled me hard against him, attacking my bruising lips with passion.

I was still standing between Sauli’s legs as he sat on top of the counter. I moved a little closer and gasped inaudibly into Sauli’s lips as I felt my aching erection pressing into his. Remembering the strange, but incredibly stimulating and hot experiment of the last time I was here, I moved my hands from Sauli’s hair to his waist and instinctively bucked forward, rubbing against him once. Sauli gasped in shock and pleasure, breaking away from my heated kiss and he threw his head back momentarily. Sauli looked back at me and his eyes were completely glazed over and darkened with lust. I felt my cock twitch at that. His lips found mine again, and he wrapped and _tightened_ his legs around my waist, pressing my cock hard against his. What a fucking tease.

Lips never leaving his, I lifted Sauli up easily and carried him out of the bloody, mood-ruining bathroom. I was glad I had one good use for my regained strength. Sauli hung on with his legs tight around my waist and his hands clasped around the back of my neck. Even with my strength, I almost dropped him when he started grinding against me gently, and driving me crazy. I felt weak in the knees from pleasure. I growled lowly against his lips for him to stop or else we were going to end up crashing down to the wooden floor. I carried Sauli blindly to his actual bedroom within his bedroom, smacking dizzily against doorposts and walls on the way there.

Once we finally reached the edge of the bed in one piece, I set Sauli down gently on his back, climbing on top of him as I did so, with our mouths still meshing. I pulled away for air, panting softly, and then moved down to Sauli’s neck, licking, and sucking. I bit into that sweet spot on his throat, marking him, and felt him jerk beneath me. His soft moans were making me insane with need. I hovered above him with my hands on either side of him, holding me up, and I rolled my hips hard into his, forcing his addicting moans to get louder.

Sauli’s hand subconsciously jerked and slammed into a fresh bruise on the side of my chest. I flinched and grunted out loud in pain. Sauli’s eyes flashed open, landing on my chest. His lustful expression was immediately replaced by sadness.

“I’m so sorry,” Sauli said quickly. He looked into my eyes with apology and regret.

After a moment, gauging my reaction as he did so, his hand slowly traced over the bruises and faded scars on my chest as if to soothe them. My eyes closed and I shivered from his gentle touch. I didn’t want Sauli to feel sorry for me. I was feeling better now in this moment than I ever had in my entire life. I pulled his hand away from my chest, and interlocked our fingers together before I brought the back of his hand to my lips, kissing it softly.

“It’s okay,” I replied gently. I let go of his hand, bringing mine down to brush his tense cheek with my knuckles, urging him to relax. I smiled warmly and reassuringly at him. Sauli sighed after a moment and nodded with a slight smile.

As I straddled Sauli’s hips, I gently raked both of my hands down his chest and underneath the hem of his shirt. I tugged the fabric upward, and Sauli sat up slightly momentarily to allow me to pull his shirt over his head, and I threw it into the corner of the room. I stared, dumbfounded at the beautiful sight under me: Sauli, half naked, under me, on his bed, sweating from pleasure because of _me._ Was I dreaming or dead? I couldn’t really tell, nor did I care, as long as I didn’t have to wake up.

His beautiful body was toned, tanned, and _flawless_. I leaned all the way down, pressing hot, bare chests against each other, and meshed our lips together again in a heated, deep kiss. After a minute of just enjoying the warm, delicious taste of his mouth, I broke away to catch my breath, and pecked his lips once with mine.

“How’s your arm?” I asked sincerely, a couple inches away from his beautiful face. I was willing to stop if he was in any pain.

“What arm?” He asked innocently before tilting upward and licking once at my lips.

I laughed and shook my head at him. He was impossible. And I loved it.

I leaned down and licked his cheek slowly, then proceeded to trail wet kisses down his jaw, his neck, his collarbone, and then eventually, his nipple. I took Sauli’s arms and pinned them above his head as I took his soft nipple into my mouth. All of these sensations and actions were so new and strange to me, but the only thing that confused me was how I’d lived this long without experiencing them. I sucked sweetly on his hardening nipple, and swirled my tongue around the bud, earning a ripped moan from Sauli’s throat.

“That’s so— _ah,”_ Sauli whimpered as I bit down lightly on his nipple.

I moved to his other little bud, repeating the process, and then blowing cold air against the wet skin, hardening it further. I continued kissing and licking him down his chest, proceeding lower and lower until I reached the waistband of his pants. I fumbled with Sauli’s belt buckle, feeling nervous as I did so when I realized what I was doing. My heart started to pound in my chest. I undid his belt and took a deep breath before I pulled his pants down around his knees. Sauli kicked them off into the other corner.

I gaped for a second at the sight in front of me. I could see Sauli’s glorious erection through his briefs, and he certainly didn’t seem small. I blushed fiercely and fought the urge to look away. Come on, Adam. Relax. I took another deep breath and then smiled at Sauli. His face was flushed and he looked slightly embarrassed. I doubted he could be any cuter. I reached forward hesitantly and cupped his dick through his underwear, gently stroking it with my lower palm. I was breathing heavily now. It felt so _hard._ Sauli moaned out loud and arched into my hand, and I felt my throbbing cock twitch at the spine tingling sound. Still palming at his dick through the fabric, I leaned forward and planted a dirty kiss on Sauli’s mouth, battling his tongue as I pulled down his underwear with one hand, and entangled my fingers into his blond locks with the other as I kissed him.

I pulled away to sit up and gawked at his dick at attention, and my breath hitched in my throat. I gulped, mesmerized by it. It certainly wasn’t even close to small. I was surprised, even though mine was probably still bigger. Sauli was completely naked and willing, and all for _me_. Forcing myself to breathe evenly, I slowly reached forward and wrapped my hand around the fleshy base, finger by finger. Sauli twitched and bit his lip, whimpering to himself. I gulped, fascinated by this whole thing, including the feeling of someone’s cock pulsing in my grip. Curious, I pumped it just once. Sauli arched into my hand, whimpering for more.

“P-please,” Sauli hissed, trying to buck into my hand. I teasingly loosened my grip so he wouldn’t get any friction. Sauli groaned in annoyance.

 I smirked at how vulnerable and under my control he was. I took another deep breath. This was it. I was really about to do this. I never thought anything like this would happen to me. I just hoped I wouldn’t ever wake up from this. I leaned down gradually and pressed a soft kiss to his tip of his cock, cherishing his art. My head started spinning and my dick was tightening. Testing some more, I licked his cock from the base to the tip agonizingly slow. Sauli let out a guttural moan. He tasted beyond my wildest dreams. Mentally yelling at myself to quit stalling, I wrapped my lips around the head, making sure to tuck my teeth away, and then took most of the whole thing into my mouth. Sauli fisted the sheets under him, moaning and yelping. I paused with a little more than half his length in my mouth, savoring the taste, but also trying to adjust my gag reflex to take him.  Once I thought I could handle it, I started bobbing up and down slowly, taking as much of him in as I could, and feeling the salty pre-cum drip down my throat. I wanted more of that. I tightened my fist and jerked him firmly and steadily into my mouth.

“Adam _, oh my god,”_ Sauli whimpered.

I moaned around his cock at the throaty sound of my name, sending deep vibrations down his length. Sauli cried out and bucked his entire shaft into my throat. I fought the intense urge to gag, forcing myself to relax and breathe through my nose. I could take it. Noticing how he reacted, I kept humming around his cock, driving him insane. I pulled his slick length out of my mouth, flicking my tongue over his slit as I pumped him furiously. Sauli’s moans and gasps were incoherent now. He was getting close.

“ _A-Adam_ , please, oh _god,_ I can’t,” Sauli panted heavily. “Shit, I-I’m going to—AH!”

I took his entire length down my throat and moaned loudly around it. Sauli cried out and fisted the sheets harder. He kept trying to thrust into my throat, which I wasn’t ready for. I used one hand to firmly press his pelvis down, keeping him still. I sucked him off and swirled my tongue around the head every time I reached the tip. I felt his dick tightening impossibly. I pulled my mouth away to watch Sauli’s face contort in ecstasy as he neared his end. I stroked him roughly inside my fist, teasing his slit with my thumb with each hard pump. Sauli’s back arched and he convulsed with a mixture of a guttural moan and a pleasurable scream. He came all over my hand and sheets in long pulses.

My eyes widened and I gasped at the white substance on my hand. I couldn’t believe I caused him that much pleasure on the first try. My eyes moved to Sauli’s body, which was lying limp and spent on the bed. Sauli’s sweaty chest rose and fell heavily as he panted with his eyes closed.

“Sauli…” I whispered in amazement.

My own dick was aching and pained with the lack of attention. I was still half dressed, and my cock was about to burst out of my pants. After a minute of trying to comprehend what had just happened, I leaned back down on top of Sauli, entangling his legs with mine. He was sweaty and exhausted and I just found that so fucking hot, which really wasn’t helping the situation in my pants. I affectionately licked alongside Sauli’s jaw to his lips. The taste of his _skin_ was something I would never get used to. I took his lips with my own again, kissing him slowly and deeply. My tongue slipped through his lips and met his wet muscle in a lazy, content battle. I moaned against his lips as I ground my furious cock against his thigh.

Sauli noticed my need. “We’ll just have to take care of that, now won’t we?” He mumbled against my lips.

I hummed in agreement, too far gone in arousal to reply properly. I heard a strange, muffled drilling noise from somewhere, but didn’t give it a second thought. We made out passionately for a while as my hands explored the rest of Sauli’s incredible body, and I lost track of time. I _really_ needed him to relieve the frustrated beast in my pants, or else I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and I’d do it myself, but I understood that he was exhausted at the moment and needed a few minutes to recuperate. Good things come to those who wait.

“Your mouth is fucking Heaven in so many ways,” Sauli whispered breathlessly against my lips. I smiled at the incredible compliment, and then shushed him softly as I slowly rocked my hips against his thigh, moaning quietly every now and then. I kissed his cheek, and lingered there for a moment.

“I love you…” I breathed against his warm cheek.

Sauli hummed and I could almost _hear_ him smirking. His hand snaked down in between our chests, sliding lower and lower until he suddenly squeezed my leaking cock through my pants. I gasped loudly and held in a whimper. Holy fucking shit. It wasn’t going to take much to make me explode. I heard a weird, metallic clatter from somewhere, but paid no heed to it. I knotted my hands in Sauli’s hair and pulled roughly as I gave him the dirtiest kiss I could manage. His hand continued to squeeze my cock through the fabric of my pants. I whimpered in pleasure against his lips. My hand flew to the one fondling me and held it there firmly, guiding him. I completely dominated Sauli. He felt tiny under me. I wrapped my other hand’s fingers around the base of his throat and gently pressed him into the sheets, not hard enough to choke him, but more like I was claiming him as our mouths and tongues tangled intensely.

Neither of us would have ever thought that those random sounds were the nightmare situation of Sauli’s parents breaking through the locked door to check up on their son, but the ear-splitting shriek of Sauli’s mother sure let us know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Porn, porn porn, quickly followed by, dun dun DUUNNNN xD ....Don't mind me, I'm a freak. I'll shut up now.


	43. He Will Be Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ. 5000 words exactly x) This took a long time to write. Grab a bed and get comfy, this could take a while. Hope you all enjoy. COMMENT AND REVIEW PLEASE :D

Sauli:

The second we heard the blood-curdling shriek of my mother way too close for comfort, Adam and I both jumped. I literally flung myself off the bed in terror, landing in the small space between the bed and the wall. My bruised head hit both the wall  _and_  the wooden floor with a hard thud. I blacked out for a minute from the impact. Muffled voices and screams filled my unconscious head. When I came-to, the first thing I noticed was that I was still completely naked and exposed as I slowly recalled where I was. Staying low to the ground on my knees, I quickly scrambled to find and put on my pants which thankfully, Adam had chucked into  _this_ corner of the room, saving me a mortifying trip to the other side of the bed.

A muted, shrill voice filled the room again. Still sitting on the floor, I peered over the edge of the bed only to find Adam standing upright with his arms crossed defensively, and I paled when I saw who he was confronted with face to face: My mother, who was throwing her arms around wildly and from what I could tell, banshee screaming at Adam. Her hair was disheveled and her eyes were bright with shock and hatred. I couldn’t even comprehend a single thing she was shrieking at Adam because everything sounded muffled and underwater and I didn’t know why. I mostly just watched her lips move furiously.

My heart started thrashing as the situation actually sunk in. Holy fucking shit, she saw, and she saw  _everything._ I was frozen. I just couldn’t think of a thing I could possibly do right now. What could I even say to her? Adam was quiet as my mother freaked out, and I could only see a little bit of his face from this angle. I could tell from his posture that he was a lot calmer than I was, and that surprised me. What was he doing? He was just standing here as she unleashed her tirade on him. How was he not on his knees begging her to calm down? That’s the only thing I could think of doing at this point. He was obviously taking everything to heart because his facial expressions kept shifting from frustration to embarrassment to dismay. Neither of them had noticed that I was still even here.

Adam’s eyes suddenly narrowed and he muttered something sharply at her and out of nowhere, my mother stepped forward and struck her palm across Adam’s cheek so hard that the sound abruptly cleared my foggy hearing and echoed sharply in the room. Everything sounded crisp again. I flinched like I’d been hit instead. I gasped in disbelief at her reaction. What the hell did he say? Adam stumbled and looked up at her again, his face mirroring mine. His cheek was a nasty shade of pink. The room went silent for a moment. Adam’s hands were fisted at his side and he stared hard at her feet. For a second, I thought Adam was going to attack her, but he stood his ground firmly.

“ _GET OUT!”_ My mother screamed at him, her face contorted into one of pure fury. She had no fear of him. Those two horrible words she yelled, I clearly understood this time. And I couldn’t let it happen. I had to stop her from treating him like this instead of sitting on the ground watching helplessly like a pussy. How could I just fucking sit here and let him do this on his own? 

I stood up quickly to say something, using the edge of the bed to haul myself up. I lost my balance from standing up too quickly and stumbled onto the bed on my knees. Both of their heads snapped toward me, and nothing came out of my mouth. Ugh, Sauli, what the hell? I was just so shaken by the whole ordeal. My stupid mother just looked relieved at seeing me awake, and pissed, let’s not forget that.  Adam’s stone-hard expression immediately softened when his eyes landed on me. Those normally pretty gray-blue orbs were slightly moist with… hopelessness? After a moment of staring at my frightened face, his dismayed expression changed to something harder with his jaw set.

Adam turned back toward her and in the coldest, firmest tone he could managed, he declared, “ _No._ ”

My mother was taken aback by his fuming presence. You could feel the determination to not leave me here alone with her roll off of him in waves. Adam pivoted on his heel and made his way over to the bed I was sitting on. I scooted closer to the edge, still trying to think of something to say.

“GET AWAY FROM HIM!” My mother screamed as Adam reached me. He stood in front of me in a shielding stance. “SAULI, COME OVER HERE!” She motioned wildly for me to join her, her expression beyond worried. Why in the world did she look so scared for me?

 I wasn’t going to bother going near her anyway, but Adam’s fingers wrapped around my bicep firmly and he shot daggers at her with his eyes. He looked dangerous and possessive. He was obviously just boiling on the inside right now from my mother’s ignorance. I had no idea what my expression looked like. I was still in too much shock and disbelief to even speak or stand. I was just that pathetic and useless.

 My mother’s hand flew to her mouth when she noticed me wince slightly from Adam’s protective grip. “ _Oh my God_ , Sauli, hold on, I’m calling the police!”

 My eyes bulged and my voice found me. “Wait why?—” I asked frantically, but she was already out the door and barrelling down the stairs.

I tore away from Adam’s hand and ran out into my extended bedroom without giving him a second look. The door had been completely broken down, and was now lying flat on the ground. This bitch was crazy. She put in that much effort to get into my room. If Adam hadn’t shown up a while ago, my mother would have burst in and found a bloody corpse in the bathroom. I stuck my head out of the doorway to listen in on my mother downstairs muttering hectic things to who I assumed was the 911 operator. I only caught a bit of what she was saying.

 “—psychopath was raping my son!” I heard her hiss into the receiver. I blanched and I choked on my own breath. It suddenly dawned on me why she was overreacting. It  _had_ looked like Adam was raping me, at least to any unwanted eyewitnesses. Me, a supposedly straight man, fully naked under a clothed Adam, one of his hands gripping my throat and the other holding mine to his cock as he dominated fiercely over me. Plus, I hadn’t said a word to my mother that entire time she was yelling at Adam, making it look like I was… under orders to not speak. Well, great, now she probably thought that I was forced into being Adam’s sex slave or something. Fuck. “He’s holding him captive in his room and refuses to let him go. Okay, I’ll stay on the line, please, just hurry! What? No, I won’t try to fight—”

Shit! I couldn’t listen to their conversation anymore. My mother already had the  _police_  on their way. I whipped around hysterically to look for Adam, and found him leaning frozen against the inner bedroom doorway. He’d heard too, I could tell by the distraught look on his face. I shook my head and ran up to him, burying my face in his chest, and holding him firmly to me. He didn’t hug me back.

“Adam,” I fearfully mumbled into his chest. I was hysterical and stressed. I couldn’t believe what I was about to tell him to do. It would kill me, but at least Adam would be alright. “Please, you need to leave. You can’t stay here, not just in my house, but the whole fucking city. You can’t rot in jail, I won’t let you. Take everything you need then just climb back out the window and  _run.”_

Adam pushed me back gently by the shoulders, and stared into my worried eyes with his saddened blue ones for a long moment before taking my hand and leading me back to the bed. I let him tug me along. He sat down on the edge and pulled me down next to him.

Adam’s hand cupped my cheek and stroked it with his thumb as he spoke quietly, “Don’t be so rash. Listen, I’m staying right here. There’s no way you’re getting me to leave the city without you. It’ll only look that much worse if I run away. We can just explain things to them. Your mother has no proof, and I wasn’t actually forcing you into anything.” He paused, looking nervous. “…Was I?”

I shook my head wildly and he relaxed. He was right though. Wait, when did  _Adam_  become the rational one? He was dealing with this a lot saner than I was. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was already skipping ahead to a very last resort. If Adam just got up and bolted out the window now, it would only make him seem guilty. I would explain the situation to the cops when given the chance, but my heart was pounding in my chest from anxiety just thinking about it.

I couldn’t believe how much could change in a snap. We were supposed to be enjoying each other, and then… the worst thing imaginable happened because the universe just wouldn’t give us a fucking break. Maybe it was trying to keep me away from Adam. And if that was the case, then it could keep trying. As cheesy as it sounded, I wasn’t giving up on us. We’d gone through too much bullshit and sacrificed too much to get to this point, and I wasn’t going to let it all be for absolutely  _nothing._

We had no other choice than to sit here together for what seemed like an eternity, waiting to face what was coming for us. I reached over and placed a hand on Adam’s bare chest, feeling his pulse. Adam’s eyes closed and he shivered from my touch. His pulse was even more agitated than mine.

“You looked so calm,” I accused. “But you’re worse off than I am.”

Adam forced a small laugh. “Well, of course. I just got walked in on loving my boyfriend” —my heart lurched at the word. “—by his crazy-ass, homophobic mother, and now I’m about to be falsely arrested for it.” I sighed at the unfairness.

“Speaking of which,” I said slowly, trying not to look down at his pants. “What happened to your… problem?”

Adam gave me a look. “You think  _that_  could have lasted through your mother’s shrieking?”

I shuddered at the recent memory. I’d never seen my mother like that. It was like a horrific nightmare.

Adam’s sarcastic face dropped into remorse after a minute. “I’m so sorry she’s going to have to find out this way.”

My face fell and we were both silent for a while. My mother still had no clue that I actually wanted Adam badly. All my life, I was the epitome of overachiever to my mother. I always exceeded her expectations because I just wanted to make her happy and  _proud_ of me. But now… everything changed. For once, I just wanted to find happiness for  _myself._  She thought she knew me so well, and even now when she saw me with a man, she assumed I had no say in the matter. She needed to face the truth and I already knew she could never accept me. All my achievements I’d dedicated to her and all my hard work throughout my life would mean nothing to her. She wouldn’t realize that I was still her son. And neither would my father. In order to have the  _one_  thing that made me happy, I’d have to give up everything else.

I sighed, staring at the floor, suddenly miserable. I felt Adam’s warm lips press soothingly against my temple for a minute as he delicately stroked my hair. I closed my eyes, relaxing into the comforting gesture. His lips left my head with a little pop sound. I watched curiously as Adam gently took my wounded arm and raised it up to examine it. He sighed to himself, clearly uneasy.

“My shirt is holding up and the bleeding slowed down, but it’s not going to close up on its own in time,” Adam lectured me. “Ugh, but how am I going to get you to the hospital?”

I couldn’t believe he was fussing over my arm when his status as a free man was about to be in question here. Sometimes, he would seem more concerned about my detailed wellbeing than his own goddamn  _life._

“You’re a big sweetheart, you know that?” I murmured, looking up at him.

Adam rolled his eyes dramatically and shook his head in disagreement.

We both jumped slightly when we heard a sharp knock coming from downstairs, followed by fast, high-heeled footsteps making their way to the front door. I started trembling slightly when I heard the muted, low, male voices of the officers muttering urgently to my mother. Her shrill, panicky voice replied to them. I gulped, mentally preparing myself when multiple footstep echoes quickly made their way up the stairs.

Without any warning at all, Adam’s lips crashed down hard and urgently on mine as he gripped my face between his hands, kissing me with as much passion as he could muster up in the few short moments. He let go and left me breathless just as soon as three looming figures appeared in the doorway. One was the still horrified face of my mother, and the other two were the officers. One of which was tall and broad with blond hair hidden by his hat. The other officer was shorter, chubbier, and not nearly as handsome.

The tall one was the first to speak, looking directly at Adam with stern green eyes. “Sir, I’m going to need you to  _step away.”_   

Adam threw me a reluctant look.

“ _Now.”_

I cringed at the authority in the man’s voice. There was no way you could defy him. Adam hesitantly stood up. The officer immediately moved behind Adam and pulled his arms back hard. Adam grunted in pain as the officer pulled out shiny, metal cuffs and locked them tight around Adam’s wrists. I felt my eyes water just at the sight of Adam like that. Without any explanation, the officer tugged Adam into the outer bedroom. I started breathing heavily. They weren’t just going to take him to jail without any evidence, right? The second Adam disappeared from the doorway, my mother ran over to me, frantically examining me.

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you? What happened to your arm? Did he do this?” She sputtered as I craned my neck over her shoulder to try to see where that jackass was taking Adam.

I fought the urge to spit in her face because I knew she meant well, but she was single-handedly destroying every last bit of my hope for a future with Adam, so I just replied coldly, “Fine, no, nothing, no.”

“Ma’am, I need to speak to your son alone. You need to leave the room as well,” the shorter officer said firmly. I was grateful for his command for only a moment, and this was what I was waiting for: A chance to speak. My mom stroked my hair hard once, and I cringed, abhorring her touch. She didn’t even notice. She nodded at the officer and left the room, closing the door behind her.

The stout officer stood in front of me with his arms crossed, eyeing me cautiously. “Now son, I need to cut to the chase and I need you to tell me the truth. Did Mr. Lambert force you into having sexual intercourse with him?”

I felt my cheeks fire up. I wasn’t expecting him to be so upfront and comfortable with the situation. I was supposed to talk about my private life to this complete stranger? I guess for Adam’s sake, I had to.

“No. We never even got that far…” I mumbled quietly. I wanted to crawl under a rock.

“You’re saying he was  _about to_  sexually assault you?” He raised a fat eyebrow.

“No!” I burst. What the hell, man? Don’t fucking twist my words!

“You’re not just saying that because he threatened you in some way? Because we have him cuffed and ready to be locked up so there’s no way he can hurt you.”

I tried to hide a scowl at his eagerness to take Adam away. Adam  _had_ threatened me before... multiple times… but they were always empty threats. Adam would never hurt me, especially since he freaked out if I even got a bruise.

“No, I’m telling the truth, I have no reason to lie. And I don’t want you to lock him up!”

“Then why were we called here in the urgent term of rape by your mother?” The officer muttered, clearly irritated, but trying to remain professional.

Ugh, I didn’t want to do this. “…Because she walked in on us… you know… and she freaked out without giving us a chance to explain.”

“You’re saying he had your permission?”

My entire face was burning. Yes, ass-wipe, and we were probably about to do something incredible, but no, everyone just had to fuck it up… I decided to leave that comment out.

“Yes,” I spat out, staring hard at the ground. This was so fucking embarrassing.

“So, I assume you don’t want to have him arrested, or file a restraining order, am I right?”

Didn’t I already confirm that? I didn’t want to fucking repeat this shit. It’s mortifying.

“Look,” I huffed, staring up at him, getting annoyed with these stupid questions. “I just want you to let him go. Adam hasn’t done anything wrong and he means a lot to me.” I looked away for a second.

He studied me suspiciously for a long moment. I boldly stared straight into his eyes, hiding nothing. I knew he’d been trained to detect threatened, lying victims through body language. He had to believe me.

“Alright then,” the officer concluded after a long minute. I sighed in relief.

 And with that, he opened the door and gestured me out of the room. I stood up and nearly ran out into the other room, looking for Adam. I immediately exhaled the air I had trapped in my lungs when I saw Adam in the corner with the other officer, trying to turn his head to look at me, but being restrained by the officer. My mother had her entire frame turned away from them both. Adam was pressed up against the wall to make sure he wouldn’t pull anything. I felt horrible at the sight. He didn’t deserve this treatment. I wanted to go over there, punch the policeman in the face, steal Adam away, and cuff him to my bed instead.

“We’re done here, let him go,” the officer gestured to Adam who instantly huffed in relief.

My mother on the other hand, not so much. “ _What?”_  She hissed as the handsome officer unlocked the cuffs on Adam’s wrists and moved away from him. Adam nodded once in thanks to him as he massaged his wrists the moment he was freed. “What are you  _doing?_  That horrible thing is a rapist and a pervert!”

Did she just call Adam a  _thing?_  She was crossing so many lines right now without even knowing it, thinking she was doing me a favor. But how could she ever think that was acceptable?She looked like she was about to pull her hair out.

The shorter officer stayed very professional. “Ma’am, your son has informed me that Mr. Lambert has never had  _unwanted_  sexual contact with him and so there is nothing to arrest him for.”

My mother’s green eyes were hopelessly confused. “But, he was on top of him and—” She cut off, brow furrowed, like she was trying to solve a difficult equation. After a moment, she paled into snow. She was finally catching on. “You mean…” Her eyes snapped to me, baffled and disbelieving.

I decided to finally make the point clear to her. She needed to know, although the outcome would prove to be less than welcoming. Her eyes followed me as I slowly walked over to a very still Adam who was watching me quietly as well. I stopped next to him and gazed into his unsettled eyes. I peered down at his inviting hand and slowly took it with mine. Adam froze and raised his brow, questioning me. He didn’t make any move to return the gesture. I smiled warmly and encouragingly up at him, even though on the inside I was scared to death about what I was revealing. But the second Adam understood what I was doing and smiled softly at me as he entwined his fingers with mine, I forgot about everyone else. I was lost in his kind eyes and warm touch for a long moment before my mother’s voice broke my loving stare.

“ _NO!”_ She yelled skeptically, in denial, staring at our hands with wide eyes in disgust. I cringed, expecting this. Her eyes snapped up to Adam’s face and if looks could kill, Adam would’ve been long gone by now. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?! GET AWAY!”

Adam immediately dropped my hand and I was afraid he was actually listening to her. But to my relief, he only let go so he could wrap his entire arm around my waist defiantly and pull me tight against the bare flesh of his side. I shivered from the relaxing heat of his body. I could feel his heart pounding.

“Please,” Adam begged calmly. His voice was nothing short of pure and respectful, and I had no idea how he could manage that. If I were him, I’d be screaming my head off in fury. “I’m in  _love_ with him.” I was surprised and awed by his sure and determined tone.

I looked up at Adam just as he peered down at me. His eyes had pride swirling in them. I tried to plead with him silently. He didn’t  _have_ to do this. He wasn’t going to be arrested. He was still free. He could walk away so very easily right now instead of insisting to stay here with  _me_  and trying to deal with the hateful consequences.

My mother grimaced and her eyes looked moist. She just wasn’t going to let me be happy, was she? I narrowed my eyes at her. I didn’t need her approval to stay with Adam, but it would feel so much better to know that my love was encouraged, not stomped down with every opportunity given. Her little hands turned white from clenching them so hard and she whipped toward the bored-looking policemen.

“IF YOU CAN’T ARREST  _THAT,”_ she pointed tensely at Adam. “THEN GET IT OUT OF MY HOUSE! I DIDN’T GIVE ITS PERMISSION TO BE ON MY PROPERTY. I DON’T EVER WANT IT BACK HERE.”

My stomach flipped. She wasn’t seriously going to make sure that Adam didn’t ever come here, right? If I couldn’t see him at school or home, how was I ever going to? I didn’t have any fucking way to contact him, and it’s not like we could plan a meeting place right  _now._ “Mom, don’t—” I tried to rebut.

“ _You,”_ She hissed firmly at me. “ _Not. A. Word.”_

My eyes widened at her hostility and I snapped my mouth shut, pressing closer to the comfort of Adam. His arm around me tightened protectively. I could tell he wanted to just rage on her, but he knew that wouldn’t actually solve anything. I wanted to kick and scream. Adam had no choice but to leave now, especially since the fucking police were here. If he refused again, they would have a reason to arrest him. And once he was gone, I knew me and the house would be forced into lockdown.

“Son, come on, we’ll take you home.” The short, stubbier officer said to Adam. I hoped Adam would lie to them about where his house was. Or better yet, take them to his house to get rid of his father. My heart sank. His father. If Adam set foot in his house, he’d be done for. His only other option was to run away. Without me. What if this was the last time I’d ever see him? My throat suddenly felt tight.

Adam nodded solemnly to them, and then looked down at me. His blue eyes flickered over my face longingly. I knew he was thinking the exact same things as me. He sighed sadly and leaned down, pressing a quick, tense kiss to my cheek. I ignored the scoff from my mother. Too bad for her, she couldn’t actually hit him with the police here. My cheek stung as Adam grabbed his backpack from near the window and was escorted out of the door by the officers. My mother made sure to move as far away from them as the limited space of the room would allow.

I listened to three sets of hard footsteps make their way down the stairs and out the front door. I ran over to the nearest open window, my knees started shaking and I forced back tears watching Adam get into the backseat of the police car as the cop held the door open for him. Adam looked up at my prisoning house through the little window as his door was slammed shut and his tired eyes met mine. The engine of the cruiser roared to life, taunting me. The lump in my throat became too much to bear as Adam offered me a small, sad smile. Tears streamed down my face and I whimpered once in misery as I watched them drive away and disappear from my sight.

I turned around slowly, completely despaired, ready to crawl up into a ball and die. My mother was sitting on the couch; her head resting in her hands with her fingers entangled into the stressed and messy nest she called hair. She was visibly shaking like  _her_ life was the one in shambles here. I couldn’t take her bullshit anymore.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I sobbed, suddenly needing the support of the window ledge.

Her fingers tensed around her head before I heard a sharp exhale and she stood up, turning to glare at me with chagrined tears in her eyes.

“You’re not my son,” She snapped, “I didn’t raise a  _faggot.”_ She wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I was beyond hurt. Tears were dripping onto the floor from my jaw. My own mother…

I approached her, reaching out slightly, and she backed away when I got too close, like she could catch gay or something. I halted mid-step, stunned by her reaction to me. That was the final line, and she just sprinted carelessly over it. I was enraged. I just didn’t understand how a figure meant to bring fulfillment and happiness could take away my only source of it without any remorse. And to retreat from me like I was some sort of disease? I wanted to fucking kill her.

“HOW COULD YOU?” I yelled shakily, throwing my hands in the air. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM.” I gestured angrily at her. I just couldn’t muster up everything I had to say to her. I could scream at her for hours about everything she’s done wrong, but it would be like yelling at a wall. Nothing was going to get through to her, and it was already too late. I’d better make this quick since my rage wasn’t going to last long crying so hard. I thought of the simplest summary of how I felt.  “YOU JUST DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND. I  _LOVE_  HIM. I DESPISE  _YOU!_ ”

Her eyes widened in shock and anger. Without any warning, she charged at me furiously. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a harshly stinging cheek and stars dancing in my vision. The bitch fucking hit me! But what was more alarming was the strange, sharp,  _excruciating_  pain in the  _other_  side of my head. I glanced up and the first thing I saw was the sharp corner of the end table I’d smashed into before hitting the ground from her blow.  My mother stormed straight out of my room and stomped down the stairs without giving a half a shit about what just happened.

The ache from my cheek quickly dulled in comparison to the one in my head. I whimpered out in pain as my head throbbed like someone was holding me down and repeatedly stabbing my skull with a chef’s knife. I held my head in my hands and bit my tongue in agony. I cried out with every piercing jolt. What the actual fuck just happened to my head? Did the corner of the table fracture my skull? I had no clue. I’d been hitting my head far too often though. I could hear my blood pounding in my ears. I tightened up into a fetal position on the ground, keeping my bad arm pressed tight in between my legs to keep my quickened pulse from rushing my blood out faster, and crying convulsively from both the mental and physical agony.

For hours I laid alone like that. Eventually, sleep washed over me forcefully from pure exhaustion. Enough was enough.  _Please,_ just let my suffering end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hides*


	44. Free?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm falling behind on school shit because I've spent the last two weeks working on the upcoming chapters for you guys. YOU'RE WELCOME >_> ......Hope you fancy this one :) Remember, COMMENTS are like little bursting beads of joy you find in morning facial cleansers. What? xD And if you haven't done so already, follow me on Twitter @TrespassMyAss for updates on why the fuck a chapter is so late and such. This note is too long.... ENJOY!!!

Adam:

The quiet rumbling of the police car didn’t help soothe my nerves like I’d been hoping it would. I stared out the window of the cruiser as we made our way slowly down streets and turns. I sniffled softly as I watched the world zoom by in a blur. We passed many people with grins on their faces, laughing together as they held their significant other’s hand. I envied them all, even the little kids complaining to their parents and the stressed out business people rushing to their bus stops. I couldn’t really explain the feeling. I just wanted to have their simpler, regular lives instead, since mine went from going nowhere to spiraling down to an eternal pit of shit. It was this overwhelming longing for a different life. But sadly, nothing could change it. So here I was, sitting solemnly and uncomfortably in the back of a police cruiser without my fucked up upper body covered whatsoever, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now with myself.

Even though I couldn’t help it, I was still unforgivingly pissed off at myself for leaving Sauli there with that beast. Endless questions swirled around in my mind. What did she scream at him after I was gone? Did he say anything back or did he just sit there and take it? Was he angry at me for leaving him like that? I wished I could have done _something._ This was all so mentally draining. All of it put an immense pressure on my shoulders that I couldn’t deal with. Was it worth it? Was Sauli worth the constant hiding and lying? I would like to think so. But was _I_ worth it for Sauli? I was ruining his life for him without meaning to, even though I knew from the beginning what would happen if he got involved with me. Instead of stopping it when it slowly started, I couldn’t get enough of this man and let it carry on further, let myself fall harder, let myself indulge in his company longer, no matter how much it was hurting his life. I was _selfish_. I knew that much. Because of me, Sauli lost his friends, his family, his grades, and even a little bit of his _sanity_. All I did was take, take, take everything from him, and I didn’t have anything to give back. I wasn’t worth it. I could never be. I should have given up on this whole relationship fantasy with Sauli. I still _should._ But would I ever? No. I couldn’t handle that. I was too far gone. If I ever saw him again, I would wait for him to end the whole thing. It wasn’t too late for him yet, he could still mend if he left me. I, on the other hand, would crumble into something much worse than how I was before. I would be _nothing._

I blinked away tears and choked back a small sob just before the short, stubby officer in the front passenger seat turned slightly to peer at me out of the corner of his eye.

“What’s the address of your place?” He mumbled almost incoherently, breaking the thoughtful silence.

I cringed slightly, but not enough for him to notice. I kept my eyes fixated on the window. I didn’t want them to take me home. I didn’t want to go back to where my father was probably still waiting. I could lie and make up an address. No, they’d probably come up to the door to talk to my “parents” about what had happened. My other option was to keep quiet since I knew I had the right to. And so I would. Hopefully, they would eventually get tired of me and drop me off somewhere well known.

“Kid, did you hear me? Where do you live?” He asked again after a moment, clearer this time.

I said nothing. I bit my lip and stared down hard at my folded hands in my lap. I could feel his hard gaze on me. I pressed myself further back into the seat, subtly trying to scoot as far away from him as possible. I actually considered opening the door and rolling out onto the street flying under us.

The fleshy cop sighed. “Well we can’t—” He was cut off by the annoying buzz of the two-way radio on the dashboard.

“ _Two sixty-five, do you read?”_ The crackling and piercing female voice squawked.  At least I thought it was female.

“Yes, we read you loud and clear.” You called that clear?  I barely understood a word she was chirping.

“ _We’ve got a known perp down at 3537 Longfellow Lane and we need backup.”_

My head snapped up. _What._ Did I hear that right?But that’s…

The stubby officer’s tone suddenly firmed, completely professional. “Copy that, we’re on our way, over and out.”

I was frozen in the back with wide eyes. I could suddenly hear my pulse pounding in my head.

“Sorry that we have to take you along, kid.” The bulky, attractive officer muttered from the driver’s seat.

He took a turn onto a street I recognized. Shit, you mean we were on our way to….

“My house,” I finally croaked, baffled.                    

I crossed my arms self-consciously over my bare chest when the chubby officer turned fully around and threw me a strange look. “What?”

“That address… That’s my house,” I repeated, furrowing my brow.

He looked over at his partner with his eyebrows raised.

The taller cop glanced at me through the rear view mirror. “Do you have anything to do with why we’re going there?” He asked suspiciously.

“No. I have no clue what’s going on,” I tried to say as innocently and shocked as possible, which didn’t take much effort since I was freaking out internally.

They threw each other another quick, concerned and confused look. The rest of the drive was silent again. I was lost in my worried thoughts. Why the hell were we going to my house? What happened to my father? Did Sauli call the police? I was so bewildered, and honestly, a little scared, but I didn’t really know why. I spent the next few minutes fiddling with my hands and staring out the window, feeling more nervous and sick as we entered an eerily familiar neighborhood.

My jaw dropped lightly the second we pulled up across the street of my damned house. It was like scene from one of those shitty crime shows. Police cars were all lined up on the street and around the house with their lights flashing and sirens blaring. Even news stations were there with reporters and cameras, recording the whole thing. I didn’t want the public to see this mess, what the hell? The second the engine turned off, both of the policemen in the front were already halfway out of the car and rushing onto the scene. I looked around wildly and stupidly at everyone from inside the car. Was I supposed to get out? Was I allowed to? Whatever. It was still my house after all, and it’s not like I had to stay in the car because I was arrested. Plus, I needed to know what the actual fuck was going on. I leaned forward into the driver’s seat and unlocked the door on my side. Tugging my backpack along, I swiftly opened the door and stepped out onto the obnoxiously loud scene. I wanted to dive back into the suddenly comfortable car as soon as my feet landed on the pavement. There were way too many people here.

The tall cop from before was speaking to some manly-looking female officer. She didn’t look too friendly. The tall cop gestured to me and I froze as the female glanced over at me. They were talking about me, that much was apparent. He was probably explaining that I lived here… unfortunately. She nodded to him and walked toward me as he ran off to meet up with the other cops inside the house.

She acknowledged me with a stiff nod and proceeded to stand next to me, leaning against the cop car, and crossing her meaty arms. I knew I was supposed to stay here with her. That was fine with me. I was too intimidated to go any closer to the battered house. I might as well get some answers from right here.

“What’s going on?” I asked frantically over the blare of the police sirens.

The manly lady looked over at me bored like she’d done this so many times before.

“Well son,” She muttered in a rough voice, licking her dry lips. “According to _your_ neighbors, they finally decided to call the police after hearing yelling and clattering coming from your house numerous times.”     

So, they _had_ heard all the noise. And by noise, I meant my agony. Why’d they take so long to do something about it if they _knew?_ My hands curled into fists by my sides. Another point to my mental list of why I hated people.

“But why is all _this,”_ I spastically gestured to the reporters, “here?”

“Well, a few of us originally came just to investigate the noise disturbance, but when we arrived here, the man lying unconscious on the floor turned out to be a fugitive we’ve been searching for, for a long time now. We needed backup immediately. We couldn’t believe our luck when we found him with his IDs sitting neatly next to him too! He put up quite a fight when he woke up and it’s still going on.” She grinned like this was the highlight of her week.

A fugitive? My father? Wait, what? Did she mean he was being _arrested?_ I didn’t think anyone fully realized yet that I was his son. The only people that knew I _lived_ here were the three cops including this macho lady.

I knew I was going to regret asking this, but… “What has he done?”

I jumped slightly when she suddenly barked out a rough, scratchy laugh.

 “I’m not sure I’m supposed to reveal this, but what the hell, we’ve basically caught him already. He can’t escape. He’s been charged with multiple accounts of illegal drug possession, first degree murder, and sexual assault toward a young girl who now needs therapy.”

I felt sick to my stomach. My head started spinning. Why didn’t I know these… things earlier? My father was a sick, disgusting bastard. How… when… _why?_ I wanted to throw up. He _killed_ someone? I thought I was going to be his first. My mouth suddenly went dry. Who was the poor soul that went through that nightmare? And he… a young girl… how could he? How much _more_ did I not know about him? I just couldn’t wrap my head around how one person could be so vile. My eyes started stinging.

The officer’s harsh voice broke my thoughts. “Hey kid,” she muttered. I looked up at her, trying to hide the horror on my face. She was eyeing me curiously. “I don’t really want to know why you’re not wearing a shirt, but why do you look so beat up?”

I was afraid I’d be asked this question. This was my chance to end it all. But why was I so apprehensive? I could easily lie about the bruises and scars, but did I really want to stay a silent victim forever? I couldn’t let Eber get away with the satisfaction of beating me into a submissive and quiet pulp for years. That wasn’t fair to me. I knew if I was to keep it all locked away right _now,_ I would regret it so much in the coming years.

The coming years… That seemed like such a foreign, but very likely concept to me now. I’d never given much thought about what I was going to do with my life other than that ridiculous dream of becoming a singer because I always thought I’d die by my father’s hand or my own before I even got out of high school. Now, I was terrified by the mere idea of real _life._ The only thing I could think of doing with my “life” now was spending it with Sauli… but that was less than unlikely to happen at this point. Funny how I never even asked the universe for much, but when I truly _wanted_ and _needed_ something, I couldn’t have it.

I sighed and then looked straight into the cop’s beady, brown eyes. And in the most serious and trained tone I could manage, I said, “That man you’re arresting is my father.” She gave me a confused look. “I had no idea of his crimes other than him… brutally assaulting me for years. What you see is the fading result of those beatings.”

She stared at me wide-eyed, shocked. She scanned me and I watched as she caught the resemblance. All traces of humor wiped off her face. Her eyes roamed my healing chest and I fought the urge to cower and hide away.

 “Excuse me,” she mumbled seriously.

She walked a few meters away and started hissing something into her walkie-talkie. No doubt she was talking about me. Oh totally, let’s just let the whole world know.

My attention was diverted by a clamoring crescendo near the front porch. Cameras were flashing wildly and too many people were shouting all at once. I craned my neck to get a better look at what was happening. My stomach flipped when I saw my father emerge from the doorway. His hands were cuffed behind his back, and his head hung low. He looked completely worn out. I felt queasy just looking at him. He needed to rot. I wanted to go over there and punch his face in, but at the same time, I wanted to bolt away in the opposite direction. He had five policemen hanging onto him and dragging him down the stairs of the porch. The media was going crazy, repeatedly shoving microphones in his face and asking questions. My father looked like he was about to rip out everyone’s lungs. One policeman lost his patience and barked at everyone to get back.

Out of nowhere, Eber’s head snapped up, looking around, as if sensing my fear. I felt myself shrink when his horribly familiar blue eyes landed on me and narrowed in fury. Oh shit.

He started thrashing wildly against the officers, grunting loudly in frustration. People immediately retreated a few feet.

“YOU LITTLE SHIT!” He roared at me from across the street. My breath refused to fill my lungs. The vein in his neck was bulging out. Everyone’s heads turned to look at me in confusion, except for the officers trying to restrain him. “YOU DID THIS!”

No. No, no, no. I didn’t! I had nothing to do with this! I wanted to scream that at him, but I couldn’t find my voice. He looked like a raging monster trying to escape its chains to ravage its live prey.

“I SWEAR, I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU. I’LL BE BACK TO TEAR YOU _LIMB FROM LIMB_ ,” he screamed at the top of his lungs. I choked on a gulp in terror. One thing I knew about my father was that he always stuck to his word.

I stared, scared stiff as he struggled against the police, trying so hard to break away from them to charge at me. The butch lady was suddenly by my side again; ready to protect me by any means necessary. I felt thankful for that. I relaxed slightly knowing that there was no way he could touch me. Eber managed to rip his shoulder away from one cop’s hands and instantly took the opportunity to headbutt him so hard that the man fell over and slammed into the trunk of the police car. The other cops were suddenly on him again, yelling at him, and when that didn’t work, one of them stunned the shit out of him with a Taser. Eber groaned out loud and suddenly fell limp, but he was kept upright by the many meaty hands of the officers. They immediately shoved him into the back of the police car and handcuffed his ankles together as well before slamming the door. I flinched again. I was so jumpy that I was trembling slightly.

I couldn’t form words, even as the reporters and cameras moved their attention onto me and crowded me, demanding answers and shoving microphones to my mouth. I felt overwhelmed and blind by the camera flashes in my face. I blinked several times, getting seriously annoyed. What the hell did these people want? Didn’t they understand that I just couldn’t do this right now? This had nothing to do with them. I squinted through the bright mass crowding me and watched as the car with my father in it pulled out of my driveway, blaring sirens as they suddenly accelerated out of the street. I felt numb as he disappeared.

The butch lady was suddenly gripping my arm and roughly pulling me out of the badgering, nosey crowd of reporters, shooing them away in the process and declaring that she had a gun and wasn’t afraid to use it. Everyone suddenly stopped chasing after us. Cowards, they were. The butch lady was growing on me already. I wished I had a real name to her face instead of the “butch lady”. Now behind her car, out of the view of everyone else, the butch lady turned to look at me sternly.

“Kid, you realize that your father is probably going to the slammer for life, right?” She asked, concerned.

I nodded quickly, fully aware of this mind-boggling turn of events.

“And how will you fare on your own? I’m sure they’ll be calling social services later on to pick you up and take you to your closest relatives, but for—”

“I’m twenty-two,” I lied quickly. “No one needs to call social services since I’m already an adult.”

There was no way in fuck I was letting anyone force me out of here without Sauli. My closest relatives didn’t even live in the same fucking city. I was probably going to pack up and run away, doubtfully stealing Sauli away with me, before they figured out my real age and came after me.

“You don’t need to tell _me_ that, I won’t be on this case.” She gave me a crooked smirk. And with that, her walkie-talkie started hissing strange police lingo at her.

She pulled the talkie out of her belt and put it to her lips, “Copy that, on my way.” She turned to me again. “I have to go. You seem like a nice kid, it was nice to meet you. Hope everything works out for you...” She smiled again before getting in her car and waving at me as she drove off.

I stared after her cruiser, suddenly feeling all alone again.

Until of course, the reporters noticed the butch lady was gone and started running over to me again like little weasels. Oh hell no. I quickly sprinted up my porch, into the house, and slammed the door shut in their faces. After a moment, my heart started pounding just from standing in this nightmare house of mine. I guessed my brain was expecting another beer bottle to smash into my head. How sad. I waited for a minute with my back pressed against the door. Nothing. I hesitantly dropped my backpack down to the floor. The house was quiet at last. It took a minute for it to sink in. My father was truly gone. I wasn’t going to be attacked anymore. I wasn’t going to have to suffer on a daily basis.

But why did I feel so miserable? I wanted to feel happy. I was finally getting my freedom. I wanted to feel _something._ But I just couldn’t. I felt weak in the knees as the silence brought back what had happened with Sauli. What about him? His life was in shatters and mine was daring to get better? That’s just sick. If he had to suffer, then I had to as well, like a mirror reflection. His emotions always rubbed off on me. I couldn’t be content about anything merely knowing what he was going through right now.

I was suddenly completely drained. This was the longest day of my life. I pushed off of the door and sauntered through the halls of my house, finding evidence of the policemen’s struggle with my father everywhere. I sighed. It was like I was dazed, and detached from reality. I needed to just go to sleep. I dragged myself up the stairs and to my crude room that was filled with unwanted memories. I forced myself to relax into my bed and to breathe deeply, trying to convince myself that I was finally getting some rest without fear or pain. And maybe tomorrow, I could start over and _feel._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SIGH, now I have to get straight to work on the next chapters so you people don't bite my head off :)


	45. Runaway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's yerrr update. Don't worry, nothing overly dramatic happens in this one. Whenever you finish reading a chapter, lemme know your thoughts and emotions in your comments. They really do help. :) Reading your guys' reviews always make my day. <3 
> 
> Thank you to everyone for putting up with this long fic. We're almost done, but there's still probably around 4 or 5 long chapters left and they get pretty intense. 
> 
> Let's be serious though, I'm not the kind of writer that makes the characters fall in love and fuck after a DAY of knowing each other. That's waaay too unrealistic and rushed for me x) HOPE YOU ENJOY :D AND EXCUSE THE LONG NOTE.

Sauli:

I slowly peeled my tear-crusted eyes open as I awoke with a dull throbbing in my head. What time was it? I sat up too quickly and groaned at the sudden sharp ache in my head. Ugh, I needed some pills for that. I stretched out my arms and legs, feeling sore and tight from sleeping on the floor. With a huge yawn, I stood up, balancing myself with the arm of the couch. Why hadn’t I passed out on the couch instead of the hard-ass floor? Come on, it was only like a foot away. I glanced out the window; the sun was rising. I’d slept through the night?

I jerked when another shooting pain shot through my head. Ugh, _stop_. I stumbled my way to the bathroom, tripping multiple times for no reason. I wished the fucking walls would stop hula dancing. I entered the bathroom and gagged at the sight. I forgot about the blood. It was all dried and it mostly just stained the floor. There wasn’t as much as I’d originally thought though. Trying my best to not throw up at the gruesome view, I forced myself to look up at the mirror, but that sight was just as bad. I was shocked at and instantly despised the reflection in the mirror. My eyes looked tired and worn out from crying, my skin was dull and pale, my lips were dry and cracking, and my hair was disheveled and rough. I was the image of death. I looked like a completely different man than what I’d seen in the mirror not _that_ long ago. What the hell happened to me over the past few weeks? I took a moment to think. Oh… Adam happened. I let out a sad sigh. Fuck my life.

I washed my shitty face in the sink for a while. It barely helped. The dull throb in my head suddenly spiked again. _Ugh!_ Roughly, I jerked the medicine cabinet open and my eyes frantically skimmed over labels. I reached in and pulled out what looked like non-drowsy migraine relief. I read the instructions on the back. Only one pill every six hours? Yeah, right.  I snapped the lid off and shook out three pills onto my palm. I didn’t even care if it was too much. I popped them into my mouth one by one and swallowed them dry. This shit better work fast.

I looked down at the dried blood again and my stomach flipped when I saw the bloody blade. Shakily, I reached down, picked it up, and stared at it, contemplating. After a few moments, I sighed and chucked it into the garbage can. No more of that. I looked at my wrapped arm. Adam’s shirt strips were practically glued to my skin with all the dried blood. I knew if I was to attempt to tear the strips off and re-bandage it, the wound would reopen and start bleeding like crazy. I would eventually have to do that though. I decided to leave it for now. It wasn’t bothering me much. Stitches weren’t a priority.

Now… for all this blood… I was sure I would have a fun time explaining the mess to my parents... not. I needed to get rid of this crusty crap. I grabbed my old towel off the rack and soaked it under the running tap in the sink. I got down on my knees and took a deep breath, holding it in. I threw the towel onto the floor and starting wiping.

Oh my god, this was disgusting. I made the mistake of inhaling and instantly gagged from the moist smell. I finally finished cleaning up the floor after many minutes and made it look somewhat presentable. I chucked the towel into the garbage can by the wall and did a double-take when a mound of heavy cloth in the corner caught my eye. I squinted at it for a moment, confused, before I realized what it was. Adam’s jacket… I half ran over to it and picked it up. I smiled as I hugged it tightly to my body. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and sighed with a soft smile. It smelled just like Adam. I could almost feel his warmth.

I left the bathroom with Adam’s jacket in hand. I only made it a few steps out before another sharp pain stung my head and a wave of dizziness hazed over me, causing me to stumble and nearly fall down. I managed to catch myself on the wall at the last second. I paused for a moment, stabilizing. Shit, what the hell? Fucking pills, work already! I entered my bedroom and laid Adam’s jacket down on my bed, smoothing it out with my hands. I felt a hard bump in one of the pockets. Curious, I reached in and hesitated when my fingers wrapped around cool metal. I pulled out Adam’s pocket knife. I stared sadly at it for a few minutes, memories of this damned thing coming back... Things were so different now than when I first had the “pleasure” of seeing it in Adam’s hand. I gently put it back where it belonged as my stomach rumbled viciously. Oh right, humans needed to eat or something. I was so out of it lately.

I slowly stumbled my way down the stairs and froze in the kitchen doorway. Both my parents were in the kitchen, too quiet. My father was at the table reading a newspaper and the bitch that ruined my life had her back turned away from me, scrubbing a pot in the soapy sink. My father glanced over his paper, noticed me standing there awkwardly, instantly glared, and then stared back down hard at the print. So he knew. Fan-freaking-tastic. 

Ignoring his hostility and trying to make friendly conversation, I asked innocently, “What’s for breakfast?”

My mother’s back tensed and she stopped scrubbing, realizing my presence. After an eerily silent moment, she started scrubbing again as she replied stiffly, “Breakfast? Why would there be breakfast for you?”

I arched an eyebrow at the back of her head. Was this a trick question? I tried to avoid sarcasm and failed as I responded, “Um, because your son needs to eat?”

I jumped a foot into the air when my father suddenly slammed his paper down.

“Son? What son? I don’t have a son, just a disgrace,” he muttered in a harsh voice. He picked up his paper again and it was threatening to tear down the spine from how tensely he was gripping it.

I was stunned. Did he really just say that? I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Oh…” I mumbled quietly, dejection seeping into my voice. 

My stomach growled audibly again. I guess I had to man up and feed myself. I felt tiny as I pushed through the hard tension swirling in the air on my way to the fridge. Just as I started to open the refrigerator door, my mother’s hand was suddenly there, slamming it shut. I froze. I looked over at her in shock and reared back a few feet from the severe warning glare she was throwing at me. Were they seriously not going to let me _eat?_ What the fucking hell? My eyes darted around the room and I suddenly felt like an intruder. The lump in my throat became harder to swallow. I couldn’t believe this. I was a threat and a stranger in my own home. The pressure in the atmosphere was suffocating me and I felt like one of my parents was about to blow up at any given moment now. The overwhelming sense of “ _leave”_ was tentatively tugging me toward the doorway. The stiffness in the air became too much to handle.

Without another word and before anything got worse, I turned and bolted out of the kitchen, ignoring the way the house was spinning slightly in my vision. I ran up the stairs three at a time and retreated to the safe haven of my room. I went to slam the door and groaned out in frustration when I saw that there was no door. That fucking bitch tore it down yesterday. I had nothing unmaterialistic to myself, not even my privacy.

I wasn’t sad or depressed. I was furious. I couldn’t even comprehend… just _why?_ Why and _how._ How could my own parents just forget about everything I was? I hadn’t turned into some psychopathic animal that needed help. Denying me food and nutrition for being _gay?_  As if starving me would “fix” me. Fucking ridiculous. I was still the same goddamn person! I couldn’t even form proper thought processes. I was just appalled. What the heck was I supposed to do now? My hands curled into tight fists by my side, wanting to smash _anything._ I suddenly remembered how Adam lost his temper and control. I didn’t need to go through that. I needed to calm down before I did something I would regret. I needed a way to relax.

Taking a deep breath, I walked tensely to the couch, plopped down, and picked up the remote. I forced myself to be calm. I turned on the TV and sighed deeply. My headache instantly came back in dull throbs. Seriously? Those stupid pills didn’t even work. And crap, didn’t I have school today? Oh whatever. What was the point anymore? Everything I ever did had been for my parents and they didn’t even give a quarter of a shit anymore, so why should I? Everything I ever really needed to know, I learned in the first grade. I was done with the bullshit of school. Fuck my “future”. I would drop out the minute I had the chance.

My stomach growled again. I glared down at my belly and mentally told it to shut the fuck up. Ignoring my digestive protests, I mechanically flipped through the channels with zero patience. Sports, cooking, commercial, cartoon, commercial, news, fishing… Wait, what? I flipped back to the news channel just in time to hear the newscaster say “Lambert” again in the middle of her sentence. Curious since I knew only one Lambert, I focused my attention onto the screen.

“…finally found after escaping several times. Neighbors had called in to report many noise disturbances…” the newscaster read off the teleprompter in a high monotone.

The camera switched and showed a huge, rugged man being dragged out of an old house, surrounded by the ruckus of reporters. My heart started beating faster. The man looked up angrily at the camera and I dropped the remote in shock. I only knew one other person with that color of eyes. The camera switched back to the newscaster at the station who’d been describing the scene nonstop, but I just couldn’t bring myself to really pay attention to her…

…Until now. “It was a shock to everyone when they found Mr. Lambert seemingly passed out drunk on the floor yesterday. Police called for backup after he woke up and resisted arrest and…”

Again, the camera switched back to the man now struggling on the driveway. Suddenly, he started screaming at something off-camera. I couldn’t understand what he was yelling over the annoying chatter of everyone else there. The camera panned toward the direction he was bellowing. My TV screen was suddenly filled with the image of a frightened looking, shirtless, bruised boy who had messy black hair and wide, blue eyes that were looking around frantically.

Holy shit.

I let out a giant squeak of surprise and flung myself off the couch, landing in front of the TV on my knees. The boy’s eyes looked into the camera for a moment and my heart skipped a beat.

Adam.

I nearly shrieked out in delight as the camera panned again in time to show the grungy, pissed-off man (who now was safe to assume was Adam’s shit of a father) being tasered and shoved into a police car. I squealed joyfully, and then immediately slammed my palm against my mouth to shut up. I looked over at the empty doorway. I needed to remember that my parents could hear me if I was too loud. I jerked my head back toward the TV, silently freaking out in excitement. What the hell happened? Did Adam finally call the police?  I bit my lip to keep to keep from cheering out in victory as the police car with Adam’s father in it drove off. And then, he was gone.

It was over. Oh my god, _Adam_.

This happened _yesterday_ while I was pathetically sleeping on the floor? Oh wow. Holy motherfucker, I couldn’t wrap my head around it properly. Adam was _free._ He was going to be fine. No more pain, no more abuse, no more fear. I grinned to myself. At least one of us had a new future ahead. I was elated for him. I wanted to fucking dance and jump off the walls. It was funny how a mood could shift so dramatically by a single trigger. I had no idea what was going through _Adam’s_ head. I believed his reaction mirrored mine.

The newscaster at the station appeared again, saying, “At this time, we still have no confirmation on the young man Mr. Lambert threatened; he refused any interviews, but the neighbors surrounding 3537 Longfellow Lane have had no trouble expressing their outrage at the lack of safety in their community...”

_There!_ I nearly broke a leg flinging off the floor and sprinting to find a pen and paper. I found a pen on the coffee table easily, but where the fuck was the paper? I looked around frantically. Ugh! Whatever! I dove in front of the TV again and started scribbling down the address furiously on the back of my hand before it devilishly escaped my brain. I finished writing and squealed silently again, repeating the address over and over in my head. Thank you, reporter lady! You may have just saved so much. I leaned forward and stupidly kissed the screen.  

“…details at eleven. Back to you, Dave,” she smiled sweetly.  

I flipped the TV off and stood for a moment, stunned, not knowing what to do next for a second. Then my brain clicked into high gear again. I had no time to lose. I made up my mind in a flash. I was going to leave. And I didn’t mean for a little while. I meant forever. I was going to find Adam thanks to this address and if he agreed, we were going to run away for good. We could make it on our own. I was sure of it.

I quietly sprinted to my inner bedroom and dug through my closet for my big gym bag. I loaded up the bag with every necessity I could think of that I would actually use. Once I thought I was done, I scanned my room for anything else I might need. My eyes landed on Adam’s jacket lying flat on my bed. I picked it up and hugged it like it was Adam himself. I’m coming, baby. With a cheeky grin, I folded it up and placed it neatly inside the gym bag. Sure, Adam had always tried his best to keep me away from his house and I learned _why_ just little while ago. But Adam’s father was gone, so where was the danger? There was none. I was going whether he liked it or not.

Now… how was I supposed to leave the house without my parents noticing? I thought for a minute. How had Adam snuck in here?

Right… _the window._

With the surprisingly light bag over my shoulder, I entered the outer bedroom and made my way over to the window. I gulped as I stared at the long-ass way down. Oh _shit_. It looked impossible. I was going to die going down this thing. Well, it was either this death, or the one brooding downstairs. I’d rather take this route.

I took one last, long look at my room. I sure was going to miss all of this. But it was time to move on. I wasn’t going to stay where I wasn’t wanted. I threw my gym bag out the window and proceeded to reluctantly climb out the window. It took a moment for me to convince myself not to bail, and continued to struggle down the trellis after my bag, fearing for my life the entire time. To my horror, I made it about halfway down before I lost my footing and fell the rest of the way down. I tried not to scream as air rushed past me. I landed _hard_ on my back on top of my gym bag. I coughed and sputtered, completely winded. I laid there, wheezed for air for a few minutes until I calmed down and breathed normally again. Thank fuck for my huge bag or that could have ended a lot worse. How the hell had Adam done this? It was a lot harder than it sounded, and I failed miserably at it.

Groaning, I stood up and rubbed my aching back. I was going to _really_ feel that in the morning. I picked up my bag and stared at the neighborhood surrounding me. It was still before noon, and I had plenty of time to find Adam. With a good idea of where Adam lived, an address on my hand, a clotted tear in my arm, a frustrated stomach, and an annoying-ass headache, I set off to find my lover. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're thinking it will only get happier from here...........


	46. Nightmare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the longest goddamn chapter of this fic so far: 6,380 words. Took a damn long time to write. o_e This gets a bit disturbing so consider this your warning. Hope you guys enjoy! Leave me a comment, I love them! Especially long ones ._.

Adam:

_I smiled at the gorgeous figure in my arms. Sauli. We were back in that grassy field clearing where I had first sung to him. A beautiful, warm day with clear skies was around us, so we had decided to go out together and enjoy it. Our only other company was the peaceful chirping of the birds and soft rustling of tree branches swaying in the calming breeze._

_Sauli sat sideways on my lap, clinging onto my neck and giggling at random times. I found myself grinning for no real reason, but I just couldn’t stop. He rested his head on my chest, arms wrapping around my back. I noticed that his arm was completely fine. When did he have time to get stitches? Oh well, my baby was okay. I pressed my cheek to his hair and held him to me for a long time. My eyes drifted shut, just relaxing in the feel of Sauli’s chest rising and falling deeply, in unison with mine. It was absolute bliss. After a few minutes, I pulled Sauli’s face up to mine by his chin and kissed his full lips gently, memorizing the exact shape. Sauli pulled himself closer and deepened my chaste kiss. I held his head in both hands softly and stroked his hair as our mouths meshed passionately. Sauli pulled away after a while to breathe and he looked into my eyes with a glint of humor in his. I would never get over how adorable and perfect he was._

_“Adam…” Sauli crooned fondly. It was ecstasy to my ears whenever that name rolled off his tongue._

_I closed my eyes and leaned in to kiss him again, but kept leaning forward into more air, never reaching lips or a face. Sauli’s weight was gone and the birds were suddenly silent. Confused, I opened my eyes and they immediately widened._

_I gasped at my surroundings. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing._

_What happened to the gorgeous clearing? All fresh, calming nature was gone. In its stead was death. Burnt, scraggly, black trees surrounded me. The sky was completely covered with thick, dark clouds. I looked down at where I was sitting and jerkily stood up, nearly toppling over. The ground was just ashes. But it wasn’t tree ash, no. Judging by the many skulls and bones scattered across the ground, I had been sitting in fucking human ashes. I shuddered violently. How the hell was this possible? Where was I? And more importantly, where was Sauli?_

_“Come here, baby…” I heard an eerily familiar voice say seductively from behind me._

_I whipped around in time to see a dark figure motioning Sauli toward him. What the heck was going on? The man had his back to me and Sauli was a few feet in front of him. Sauli hesitated for a moment._

_“Adam?” Sauli’s voice sounded relieved, looking at the dark, looming figure._

_“Sauli, I’m over here,” I called out to him, confused._

_But Sauli didn’t even glance at me. His eyes were still glued to the guy. He hadn’t even been talking to me?_

_Who the fuck was this guy anyway? How did he find us? And how did he know Sauli? The questions just rapid fired into my head. Trying not to look down at the ashes, I sidestepped a few feet to get a better look at the man. The dark figure’s head turned toward me and I froze in place. My heart dropped and my eyes bulged when I saw his face._

_It was like staring into a mirror. I rubbed my eyes, disbelieving. Maybe I was hallucinating. But when I looked up again, he was still there. I gulped in terror._

_What the fuck? The man was… me?_

_The only difference was in the eyes. Golden, wicked eyes bore into mine. He was slightly paler too, but other than that, he was me. Undoubtedly, impossibly… me._

_He gave me a malicious smirk, and the instant he did, my head started spinning in warning. He then turned and peered out at Sauli from under his lashes._

_“Come…” The other… Adam (?) purred lowly, his voice echoing._

_As if on autopilot, Sauli smiled and his legs started moving him slowly toward the other Adam._

_The looming Adam’s eyes glinted lustfully at Sauli’s approach. An alarm rang wildly in my head. Oh shit._

_“Stop, Sauli!” I yelled out. “He’s not me!”_

_Sauli didn’t throw me a look. His eyes were glazed over. He fucking couldn’t hear me or see me, could he? I felt my stomach flip._

_The dark, tall figure smiled, his eyes flickering over at me for a moment, as if he could hear my thoughts._

_"Baby…” The golden eyed version of me murmured irresistibly to Sauli._

_The way his voice echoed sent chills down my spine every time. It was terrifying and strangely sexy._

_Sauli responded by moving slightly faster. I cried out to Sauli to stop again, but his steps didn’t falter. It was like Sauli was under the spell of this dark figure’s inescapable and deadly siren song. He was willingly walking into a trap._

_Sauli’s mouth was open slightly as he entered the figure’s open, snaring arms. The other Adam immediately had one hand tangled roughly in Sauli’s hair and the other locked firmly around his waist. He caught his prey. Sauli’s eyes suddenly cleared. The other Adam kept his golden eyes on me as he pulled Sauli forward and possessively licked the side of Sauli’s face repeatedly. Sauli just cringed and shuddered._

_My eyes widened. I wanted to go over there and tear Sauli away from the evil being, and then kick the other bastard where the sun didn’t shine. But to my horror, my legs weren’t responding. I struggled, but it was as if I was glued to the ground. What the fuck? My legs weighed a ton. I could only stand and watch. The other Adam grinned knowingly at me over Sauli’s shoulder as he noticed my frozen state. That bastard. He did this somehow._

_“Sauli, please, snap out of it!” I cried out, but to no avail. What else could I possibly do?_

_Dark Adam rolled his enchanting eyes at my futile attempts. His hand raked down to the back of Sauli’s neck and pulled him forward hard, crushing his lips against Sauli’s and attacking his mouth fiercely._

_I gasped in horror. I watched the cryptic Adam’s tongue shove into Sauli’s mouth as he practically ate his face with his huge kisses. My mouth went dry. I was insanely jealous, but also petrified in fear. I had no clue what his plan was. I just knew there was no possible way he was me, but Sauli couldn’t see that._

_I had an unwantedly perfect view. The other “Adam” suddenly bit down on Sauli’s tongue roughly. I flinched from phantom hurt. Sauli whimpered out in pain against his lips and shoved the other Adam’s chest as hard as he could. But my doppelganger was obviously far stronger than Sauli. He pushed his weight harder onto Sauli, forcing Sauli to descend onto the ashes below their feet. The other Adam followed down without breaking the one-sided kiss and straddled Sauli. I had no choice but to watch as the nightmare figure ground his hips once into Sauli’s and let out a spine-tingling mix of a growl and a lustful moan against Sauli’s lips._

_It was obvious to me that Sauli couldn’t breathe with the other Adam’s face mushed down on his. He was struggling to pull away, but the figure had him locked tight in place._

_The other Adam noticed Sauli’s resistant behavior and suddenly pulled away. Without any warning at all, he reared his fist back and slammed it into Sauli’s jaw to teach him a lesson. I flinched wildly, appalled. Sauli cried out in pain and his hands flew to his face._

_No… I tried to yell out for Sauli again, but no one even acknowledged my presence._

_“Adam, why did you do that?” Sauli whimpered, heartbroken, staring fearfully at the angry figure above him as he held his swollen jaw._

_“For fuck’s sake, that’s not me! I would never do that to you!” I yelled out, begging Sauli to realize that I was actually standing over here._

_Dark Adam gazed up at me, and the light in his eyes changed. He was taunting me. What the hell was he going to do? I started shaking, biting back the bile that had risen in my throat. I had a terrible feeling about this._

_My double reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar pocket knife._

_I blanched. NO. Oh god, no._

_“Don’t!” I screamed. Other Adam peered over at me again, smiling wickedly. “I’m begging you, please don’t hurt him! Don’t do this!”_

_The sinister figure laughed soundlessly. Sauli still looked clueless, and frightened as he saw the knife._

_“Adam, what are you doing? Let me go!” Sauli insisted. “This isn’t funny!”_

_I felt a huge lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow. My eyes moistened. Sauli…_

_The other Adam’s smile at Sauli was sickeningly sweet. He flipped out the blade. My heart dropped._

_He brought the flat side of the blade gently down onto Sauli’s lips like a finger, whispering, “Hush…”_

_He leaned down and pecked Sauli’s nose lovingly before he gripped Sauli’s jaw with one hand tightly to keep him still. The dark figure forced the flat tip of the blade in between Sauli’s lips. I couldn’t breathe anymore._

_He suddenly pulled harshly to the side, tearing halfway through Sauli’s cheek._

_Sauli and I screamed in unison._

_I wanted to throw up. Blood flowed through the giant rip in Sauli’s face, cascading down his jaw and dripping onto the ashes below. The other Adam had a soft smile on his lips as if he didn’t just tear Sauli’s mouth and cheek open, but instead was looking at a beautiful lover._

_“NO!” I shrieked as Sauli’s cries of torture grew louder._

_To my disgust, the other Adam started kissing and licking Sauli’s battered mouth sweetly, sucking on Sauli’s lips, and bloodying up his own face. Sauli was crying and thrashing wildly underneath him, trying to escape the psycho. The dark figure moved down to Sauli’s neck, licking up the blood that was running down. Sauli’s eyes gave away everything. He felt absolutely betrayed, and not to mention fucking terrified, frantically wondering why the person who was supposed to love him was doing this to him._

_Except it wasn’t me!_

_The only thing I didn’t see in his eyes was hatred. He still loved me even after what this fucking freak version of me was doing to him. He wasn’t even calling out for help; he didn’t want me to be in trouble. I felt tears overflow and run down my face. Sauli, you idiot! Screw love, don’t you see that “I” was fucking mutilating you? Attack the bitch! Kill me if you have to, but just don’t let me do this to you!_

_The other Adam pulled away. He gently stroked the tip of the bloodied knife up and down Sauli’s chest._

_It disturbed me deeply how much this monster looked and sounded like me._

_“I love you…” he purred atrociously._

_Sauli just cringed at his words and cried. At this point, I was sobbing soundlessly._

_The other Adam ground his hips against Sauli’s and moaned loudly, sending a creepy vibration down my back. He reached down with the hand that had been keeping Sauli’s jaw still and fisted his own crotch aggressively through his pants with it. He closed his eyes in pleasure. His pants were bulging out, threatening to split his pants. That psycho was turned on that much by this? I fought the urge to gag. How could he look so much like me? I didn’t understand._

_I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands, trying to clear away the tears, and when I reopened my eyes, both of their pants and underwear had somehow suddenly vanished without a trace. NO. NO!_

_“PLEASE!” I begged. Psycho Adam looked up at me, bored with my company, not even caring that I was watching. “That’s enough! Let him go!”_

_The psycho raised a challenging eyebrow at me and shook his head._

_“What the fuck do you want from him?” I screamed. My nightmare mirror image just smirked like this was some kind of game._

_He forced an obviously weakening Sauli’s legs open and positioned his hard length at Sauli’s entrance. Sauli squirmed uselessly. I couldn’t stand what was about to happen. Sauli, goddammit, so sorry… Tears of hopelessness streamed down my face endlessly._

_Sauli mumbled weakly at the nightmare, “Adam, please don’t. No_ _—AH!”_

_Sauli’s scream shook my bones as the other Adam just plunged into him viciously without any warning and paused, tearing him apart from the inside. A broken sob escaped my throat. Sauli’s blood-curdling cries didn’t falter until the nightmare slammed his palm down onto Sauli’s ripped mouth, silencing him._

_A virgin Sauli, the psycho’s bulky length, no lubrication, no preparation, nothing… I could not imagine the agony._

_The other Adam started thrusting mercilessly into Sauli, pounding into him so hard and raw that they skidded a couple inches in the bloody ashes. Sauli was crying and begging him to stop, desperately trying to get away, but it only seemed to fuel the monster’s psychotic lust. Eventually Sauli’s voice just gave out. He stopped screaming under the palm muffling him. He was broken._

_“Such a good baby…” the nightmare Adam moaned deeply as he took his hand off of Sauli’s torn and bloody mouth._

_I was trembling violently. I couldn’t take this. I was watching myself do something that made me want to kill myself just so I could escape the memory._

_The other Adam’s thrusts into a limp Sauli were getting erratic, less rhythmic. The fucker was getting close. Sauli’s head lolled to the side and his eyes squeezed shut, just waiting for his nightmare to end. I wanted to hold him and beg him to forgive me. I wanted to comfort him and love him. But I couldn’t do a single damn thing._

_With one last hard pound into Sauli, the monster froze and arched, coming violently inside of Sauli who just writhed uncomfortably and grimaced. It was over. Would he finally let my mangled baby go or…?_

_The other Adam pulled out slowly, making Sauli bite his lip to keep from crying out again in pain, and I squeaked out in alarm when I saw the fresh blood staining the dark figure’s cock. Oh my god…_

_The other Adam leaned down and trailed wet, sloppy kisses from Sauli’s neck to his collarbone, biting into him. Sauli cringed in pain. The psychotic monster pinned Sauli’s arms down over his head with one hand and picked up the knife again with the other. He licked the bloody blade and moaned softly. It echoed in the space and sent a chill down my spine._

_“Goodnight…baby…”The monster rumbled into Sauli’s ear. Goodnight? What the hell?_

_With a soft smile, the other Adam nonchalantly jammed the knife into Sauli’s chest, directly over his heart._

_I shrieked out in horror._

_Sauli gurgled and started coughing up blood. The deranged monster twisted the knife in Sauli’s chest like a screwdriver, causing him to whimper out weakly in agony. With the knife embedded in Sauli, the dark monster’s hands moved straight to Sauli’s throat, gripping so tightly that his hands went white. He shushed a gagging Sauli quietly as he suffocated him, cooing softly as if he was murmuring to a small child to go to sleep.  He waited patiently for Sauli to run out of air, or drown from the blood filling his lungs, whichever came first._

_“No,” I sobbed hopelessly. “Please, stop!” But I knew it was no use. I was probably just giving him what he wanted by begging._

_I couldn’t function. Words couldn’t describe the anguish I felt._

_I watched the light from Sauli’s tortured eyes fade slowly with heartbreaking tears flowing out the sides of them. His struggling grew weaker and eventually stopped. Too soon, the remaining life in his sad eyes dimmed as his eyes drifted shut. Other, darker Adam appeared to be satisfied and let go of Sauli’s neck. He smiled proudly at his work, like he had just created a beautiful sculpture, not a mangled corpse._

_I stared numbly at Sauli’s body, hoping for some hint of movement. Nothing happened… other than blood trickling out his mouth, chest, and… elsewhere._

_No. He couldn’t be gone. He just couldn’t. My blood boiled._

_“WHY?” I shrieked at the sinister version of myself._

_The dark figure eyes finally acknowledged my anguished presence and his sinister, golden eyes pierced through mine. The second our eyes met, a shooting pain suddenly burst in my head. He cocked his head to the side and grinned crimson again, Sauli’s blood dripping down his mouth and throat. I gagged violently at the abomination._

_The scenery changed again. The horrid, ashy field was gone. Sauli was gone as well. There was nothing for a moment. It was just me and that thing facing off in endless white. Then, the white flickered violently, flipping between the regular clearing and the dead one. Faster and faster the surroundings flashed, as if it couldn’t decide on a side. My headache spiked over and over. My head felt like it was being crushed under pressure. Other Adam just grinned mischievously at my pain and confusion. What the hell was going on?_

_Out of nowhere, the darker Adam suddenly crumbled into violet and gold swirls of smoke. I gaped in shock. The spirals of colored smoke blew toward me, surrounding me in a whirlwind. I looked around frantically, but I could only see loops of purple smoke dancing around me. The other Adam’s deadly laugh reverberated everywhere._

_“What the fuck are you!?” I yelled out to the air._

_The smoke suddenly engulfed my head and the pressure was unbearable. It was as if he was trying to force himself into my brain. I was beyond freaked out. Squeezing my eyes shut, I held my head between my hands and cried out from the compression. I fell to my knees but the ground was suddenly gone. I was spinning and freefalling into nothing. I felt like my brain was being split in half._

_I heard another deep, low chuckle, and a familiar voice whispered one echoing word directly in my ear:_

_“You.”_

_The pressure suddenly pinpointed to one side of my head. My howl of agony trailed off as the flashing white space and cranium crushing weight disappeared all at once._

I bolted upright at the sound of harsh knocking. I was panting heavily and had sweated so much that I was dripping. I frantically looked around. When it sank in that I was actually in my room, I was so relieved that I burst out into tears. My heart was pounding like an orchestra of bongos.

My eyes were wide and moist as I tried to catch my breath and calm down. It was all a dream? What the fuck kind of dream was that?  It had felt way too real. No lucid nightmare had ever left me in this troubled state.

A small, sharp pain in the side of my head made me cringe slightly. How could a dream cause such a very real headache?

I flinched expansively when another knock came from downstairs, harder this time, scaring the shit out of me. I needed to calm the fuck down. Okay, Adam. It’s over.  It was just a dream… Relax!

Another impatient knock echoed throughout the house after a minute. Who the fuck is that? Go the hell away. Ugh.

I got up from my bed and stumbled over to the bathroom, almost annoyed that my legs were just _now_ responding. I quickly wiped away the hot sweat all over my body and pulled on a clean shirt. I wanted to try to relax my tense facial muscles in the mirror and put on a calm face, but I didn’t want to risk looking at a certain reflection of myself.

Another obnoxious sound of knuckles rapping against the front door blared. Shut the fuck up already, I’m coming. I was still trembling as I made my way down the stairs and to the front door. I stood with my hand resting on the doorknob, trying to regain my composure as best as possible.

After taking a few deep breaths, I turned the knob slowly and opened the door. I blinked several times in disbelief at the man standing and smiling in front of me, alive and glowing.

Sauli.

I couldn’t help but start shaking at the sight of him: His beautiful lips were still intact and plump, his eyes were filled with light and joy at seeing me, not betrayal, and his face was flushed with the blood that remained inside of him where it belonged.

“Hi—” Sauli started to say, but I interrupted him with a sob of relief, reaching forward and pulling him into my chest, holding onto him for dear life.

“Adam?” He mumbled against my chest. I shuddered at the sound of him saying my name, remembering his terrified voice in my dream. “Are you alright?”

I breathed in the delicious scent of his hair. A tear escaped my eye as I felt his heartbeat quicken against me. I welcomed the warmth and vitality of his body. He was okay, my baby was fine. I took another deep breath, finally calming down.

I pushed Sauli away gently, he was eyeing me warily. I smiled softly at him. His lips twitched, but his eyes were still questioning.

“Sorry, I’m just… shocked to see you,” I said, my voice betraying a shaky tone. “What are you doing here?”

Sauli laughed, “You were all over the news!” My eye twitched. Yuck, publicity. The entire city saw what happened with my father? Oh god. “I saw everything. I’m so beyond happy for you. You’re free... The reporter even mentioned your address so I packed up my shit and came after you.”

I blanched. “You ran away from home? For _me_?” I noticed the big gym bag he had slumped over his shoulder.

“Of course,” Sauli stated, raising an eyebrow, surprised that I would even doubt he would.

My eyes started watering again in disbelief at this man. That was it. He gave up his entire life for me. Didn’t he realize what he just left behind?

“I’m so sorry for getting you into this _mess,”_ I mumbled, ashamed at my selfishness once again.

Sauli said nothing for a minute.

“Adam, are you sure you’re okay?” Sauli gave me an once-over, obviously noticing how disorderly I looked.

I was about to reply with a pathetic yes, but then Sauli arched a brow at me, clearly knowing me well enough to see through my lies before I even told them. I closed my eyes and sighed in surrender.

I shook my head feebly in response to his question. What was the point of lying to my lover?

I felt smooth arms curve around me, pressing me flush against a warm frame. I didn’t need to open my eyes to know Sauli was hugging me. I wrapped my arms around his small figure, avoiding the big, bulky bag, and pulled him closer to me. I buried my face in his beautiful hair. Sauli was really here, and he still loved me.

Without breaking the embrace, I pulled us into the house and kicked the door shut, not bothering to lock it. Sauli broke away and dropped his bag on the floor, before proceeding to clasp my hand with his and pull me to the couch. We plopped down onto the couch and Sauli’s lips were immediately on mine, kissing me with as much love as he could muster up.

_His hand raked down to the back of Sauli’s neck and pulled him forward hard, crushing his lips against Sauli’s and attacking his mouth fiercely._

I immediately pulled away, feeling sick as the full memories of what “I” did to Sauli in my nightmare came back to me. I started shaking again as I stared at Sauli’s confused face, but only seeing his bloody, mangled one.

“Adam?” Sauli asked, concerned, but all that registered in my brain was,

_“Adam, please don’t. No_ _—AH!”_

I paled, feeling sick.

Fuck! I just couldn’t get it out of my head. You were supposed to completely forget your dreams by now, but it was all flooding back to me faster as time passed. It made no sense. I was recalling every detail with crystal clarity.

What if I touched Sauli and he started screaming? What if I just leaned over right now to caress him with good intentions, but he only saw me as the monster in my nightmare? What if I tried to be gentle and kind to him, but only ended up abusing him blindly without even _realizing_ it? Could I turn into a sick psycho and not even notice? No, Adam. Come on. I was being paranoid. It was a fucking dream, get over it!

But I couldn’t.

“Seriously, what’s wrong?” Sauli started to reach out to touch my cheek.

I flinched.

Sauli’s hand immediately dropped, his face filled with alarm and rejection. Shit.

“You’re actually shaking,” Sauli said, appalled. “Did I do something wrong?”            

I couldn’t hear him. My mind was replaying the images of me covered in Sauli’s blood, relishing in his agony. A small whimper escaped my lips when the clip of me forcefully penetrating Sauli popped into my head. His screams…

“Adam, you’re fucking scaring me,” Sauli blurted. “Why are you staring at me like that? You look like you just saw a ghost. HELLO?”

 _“You.”_ The monster had said when I had asked him what he was. What the fuck did he mean by that? He couldn’t have been me. He just happened to look exactly like me. I would never do _anything_ like that to _anyone._ It was disgusting. But apparently, my subconscious thought otherwise. I just didn’t understand any of this…

“Alright, that’s it. I’m leaving you for good.”

Wait, _what?!_

I snapped back to reality, my head whipping over at Sauli in horror just as he stood up from the couch and stared down at me with his arms crossed.

“N-no!” I stuttered hysterically at Sauli, eyes wide with panic as I gazed up at him from the couch.

Sauli rolled his eyes, “Oh, _now_ you respond.”

My heart was sputtering. He was leaving me? As in, he didn’t want me anymore? What? No, no, no!

I croaked, “Why?” I forced the lump in my throat to go down.

Sauli’s expression changed from sarcasm to shock and worry at the despaired sound of my voice. He got down onto his knees in front of me on the hard floor and took my alarmed face in his hands, stroking my tear-stricken cheeks gently with his smooth thumbs. I hadn’t realized I’d started crying. How pathetic was I?

“Adam, it’s okay,” Sauli shushed me when I tried to break away from his grasp. “I’m not leaving you. I love you. I just needed to get your attention. You’re fucking vibrating. Calm down, baby…”

That bastard. That was his way of getting my _attention?_ Oh, he got it alright. I was too overwhelmed and panicky right now to properly handle his mind games. Because of that monster in my dream, I didn’t know what to believe out of someone’s mouth.

“ _You.”_ The psychotic monster’s reply echoed in my head again. He had to have been lying. He just couldn’t be _me._

“Asshole,” I muttered to Sauli without any venom whatsoever.

Sauli leaned forward and pressed his warm cheek to mine, whispering soothingly in my ear, “I know I am. It’s alright. I’m sorry…”

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe evenly again, slumping my tense shoulders. Sauli’s voice was incredibly calming when I was paying attention. I was overreacting to everything and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to try something to prove to myself that I was not the lustful killer I’d seen.

Gently, I pushed Sauli back a couple of inches before hesitantly cupping his cheek with one hand. I felt his warm breath brush over my face and I smiled softly, gazing deep into his eyes, feeling that magical jolt once again. Sauli’s blue orbs were filled with concern, but the corners crinkled slightly from happiness at my touch. See? You weren’t hurting him at all. He wanted this.

I closed the space between us slowly and pressed my lips against Sauli’s, pausing for a few seconds, nervously gauging his reaction. No screaming and no pain from Sauli, Adam. Everything’s fine. After a moment, Sauli’s soft lips started moving against mine, asking me to continue. I breathed a mental sigh of relief. I melted slowly into the kiss, feeling little spikes of pleasure as my heartbeat quickened. There was no tongue, just the sensual feel of his perfect lips meshing with mine.

_Sauli was crying and begging him to stop, trying desperately to get away, which only seemed to fuel the monster’s lust._

I froze for just a moment at the memory, but by sheer will, I forced myself to ignore the prodding paranoia and just acknowledge and _enjoy_ Sauli’s obvious willingness. He wasn’t shoving me in terror and I wasn’t hurting him, I reassured myself. He’s fine. We’re fine.

Too soon, I felt Sauli try to move away. I immediately dropped my restraining hand from his face. I was about to go all lunatic on myself again, but then I saw the sweet smile of appreciation on Sauli’s face and I relaxed. He pressed a light kiss on my flushed cheek.

“Now will you tell me what happened?” Sauli asked quietly.

He might as well know. It’s not like he was going to accuse me of anything over a nightmare. Knowing Sauli, he would probably try to comfort me and convince me of things I was already sure of.

I nodded once. Sauli got off his knees on the floor and nestled back into his original spot on the couch, gesturing me to start.

So, I told him _everything._ I tried to keep my face expressionless as possible and my voice monotone in order to keep myself from freaking out again. I just watched Sauli’s expressions shift slightly as I went through every detail. But Sauli was hard to read, and he appeared perfectly calm as I told him what exactly the psycho did to him. I wasn’t surprised by this. He gestured me to continue whenever I would pause because I couldn’t force the words out of my mouth.  He remained quiet and understanding until I was finished. And when I did finish, I was half expecting Sauli to end his relaxed demeanor and burst out the front door screaming. He didn’t, of course.

“Adam, I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry,” Sauli said. Of course he did. “I wasn’t expecting… that… I’m so sorry you had to witness it all.” He frowned. “You realize it was just a nightmare though, right?”

“Yeah…” I mumbled, not really convinced it was.

“You’re awake now,” Sauli smiled. “It’s all over. I’m here with a bag of shit and no intention of returning to my parents, so we really need to talk.”

I sighed sadly, suddenly very distracted from the dream. “Why did you run away? Sauli, I’m not worth it. You threw away an amazing life for _this?”_ I gestured to myself.

Sauli rolled his eyes. “Yes, for you. Plus, it doesn’t matter anyway. My parents don’t want me anywhere near them anymore because—”

“—of me,” I finished.

Sauli opened his mouth to protest, but then clamped it shut, realizing the truth in my words. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

“Go back,” I said firmly.

Sauli glared at me defiantly. “I’m not going _anywhere_ without you. Not again.”

I groaned. “And what _exactly_ are we going to do? I can’t stay here. I have nothing here. I don’t really know where I’m going yet, but… You on the other hand, still have your family and friends. You’re not expelled from school, you need to get your ass back there and finish so you can have a _life.”_

Sauli looked down, trying to hide the sad look on his face. “My life is with _you,”_ he mumbled.

“What do you mean,” I asked, confused by his sudden sentiment.

Sauli looked up at me as if I was missing something obvious. “Adam, if you think I gave up everything for you, then why are you trying to send me back if I have nothing to go back _to_? You think I can be happy without you? There’s no going back, only forward. If you’re leaving, then I’m _asking_ you to take me with you. We can leave together, escape, and start fresh... if you want.”

Oh… I thought about it, and the longer I thought about it, the more appealing it became. The idea of Sauli and I, together, no more bullshit and drama around us… Just us, living together, free… Possibly our whole lives together… I suddenly started yearning greatly for this fantasy.

“Where do you want to go…?” I asked quietly, intrigued.

Sauli grinned, seeing my surrender. “Well, I thought we could move to Los Angeles. Didn’t you say you wanted to be a singer, but couldn’t because of your father? This is your chance now, and I want to watch it happen.”

He was right. That impossible dream of being a singer was suddenly a lot more attainable. I paled, wanting. This offer was becoming irresistible. But let’s be realistic.

“What about money? Where are we going to live? There’re just so many complications, Sauli…”I muttered, trying to steer myself away from being too intoxicated with this amazing fantasy.

Sauli furrowed his brow, thinking. “We’ll survive on love,” he said seriously.

I gave him a look.

Sauli laughed at my expression. “I’m kidding! Um, hmm, well, I have a pretty decent resume, and we can ‘create’ one for you, then we can book multiple jobs and work while you try to get signed. I never said it was going to be easy, but I have a feeling it will all be worth it. I don’t want to be stuck in this rut.”

“So basically, we’re going to wing it and start from the bottom?”

“Yep,” Sauli answered.

I paused for a moment, thinking over it all again, it still didn’t seem like such a good idea...

“Oh and before I came here, I also took the liberty of going to the bank and retrieving all the money from my debit cards AND a couple of my parents’ cards that they had lent to me,” Sauli winked and gestured to his gym bag. “We should be good for apartment rent and shit for a month or two.

I gaped at him. My decision suddenly locked. I glanced over at Sauli’s arm, noticing how it was still wrapped in my shirt. His dumbass parents didn’t bother helping him. I sneakily changed the subject.

“You know…” I said slowly, “you still need stiches for that arm…”

“Yeah, I do. This shit is getting crusty, but I don’t want to go to the hospital in case they call my parents.”

“Hmm… I’ll have to make sure I do it myself,” I nodded slowly, keeping a sly tone, “…before we leave.” I waited for him to catch on.

Sauli look confused for a second and then his face lit up in shock.

“Wait,” Sauli squeaked, suddenly excited, “so YES? We’re leaving? We’re really doing this?”

I smirked at him in response.

Sauli grinned and yelled, “YAY!” before launching himself at me, pinning me down to the couch.

Sauli showered my face with kisses of appreciation and I couldn’t stop laughing at his ridiculous reaction. I flailed underneath him and tried to playfully shove him away. He placed little kisses on every inch of my face, saving my lips for last.

But the second his lips touched mine, I moaned deeply in surprise and _need._

Sauli pulled away and stared down at me, his expression one of shock at my physical response to his kiss. I licked my lips, trying to taste him again as I gazed up at him innocently. Sauli’s eyes flickered with something, all playfulness gone.

Sauli’s mouth was suddenly hot on mine again, much dirtier than his silly kisses. When his slick tongue entered between my lips, I felt my head spin. Another moan ripped its way up my throat. I shakily reached up to hold the side of his face as our tongues met in a tangled, wet battle. I was so hopelessly lost in the passionate kiss that I literally groaned out loud in annoyance when Sauli suddenly broke away.

Sauli had a strange look on his face.

“What?” I asked, confused and impatient. My heart was still pounding and my face was flushed.

Sauli wasn’t looking at me; he appeared to be deep in thought. “What day is it?” he asked.

I sighed, “Really? Is that important right now?”

“Just tell me.”

I sighed again, “The twenty-eighth, why?”

Sauli looked down at me and gave me a smile that broke my heart. “It’s my birthday…” he muttered sadly. “I’m eighteen today.”

I felt a rush of sadness. It’s his birthday… What a terrible way to celebrate. His parents probably didn’t even remember or care.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

Sauli laughed once. “You’re apologizing for my birth? Smooth.”

“What? No!” My stupidity clicked. “No, I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

Sauli shrugged, “It’s in your nature, so you can’t help it.”

I glared. “Hey, shut up.”

“See?” Sauli teased, grinning at me. I rolled my eyes.

“Happy birthday,” I said sincerely, my face softening.

“Thanks,” Sauli smiled back.

“But now…” I said slowly, cautiously thinking about the stomach-knotting idea that I was about to offer to Sauli. “Allow me to give you your present…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW! Aren't you glad that's over? And in case you forgot or had no idea, Adam is eighteen. See ya next chapter!


	47. A Binding Path...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy fuck. 8,218 words. 
> 
> I'm sure this will be a favorite chapter for a lot of you :) I sincerely hope you enjoy and don't mind the length. Comments are just... everything. 
> 
> I know I can't update every single day anymore. But hey, the chapters are much longer than when we started out and it's definitely not summer anymore. I write for this fanfic every single day, at LEAST two hours, and it's still not enough sometimes to get a chapter up every week. I hope you can all understand. :) If you've never written a fanfic like this, just know that it is A LOT harder than it looks.
> 
> Now then... Have fun reading :D

Sauli:

“But now…” Adam said slowly, his voice dropping to an irresistible tone. “Allow me to give you your present…”

Huh?

And suddenly I wasn’t on the couch anymore, but instead, suddenly staring up at the ceiling, cradled in Adam’s arms like a baby as he stood up swiftly with me tucked into his chest.

“Adam! Put me down!” I exclaimed, and flailed in his arms, afraid he was going to drop me. “What are you doing?!”

Adam shrugged and started walking as he casually said, “The couch isn’t comfortable.”

“Where are we going?” I asked frantically as he made his way effortlessly down the hall even with my weight bearing down on him.

“Upstairs.” His reply was simple.

“In case you’ve forgotten… I can _walk.”_ I crossed my arms across my chest and pouted, feeling more than embarrassed to be picked up like a damsel in distress.

“You won’t be able to soon,” Adam muttered quietly under his breath.

“Wait, what?” I thought I heard him wrong.

Adam smiled down at me innocently, “Nothing.”

I looked up at him in confusion as he trekked his way up the stairs, but Adam wasn’t looking at me anymore; his grey-blue eyes stared straight ahead with a strange glint.

We entered his room and I immediately looked around, surprised by how neat and tidy everything was. My eyes landed on his twin bed and my stomach flipped as he crossed the room over to it. I squeaked out in alarm as the support of his arms under my knees and shoulders was suddenly gone. The fall was short, and I bounced on his bed once.

I immediately sat upright, cross-legged on the middle of his small bed. Adam climbed onto the bed after me. He sat across from me and stared at me intently, speculating. I looked around awkwardly. At least his bed was much more comfortable.

“My present’s up here?” I asked, confused. I scanned the room, seeing nothing flashy. “I don’t see anything? When did you have time to go shopping? I don’t even remember telling you my birthday?”

Adam just shook his head and rolled his eyes like everything coming out of my mouth was childish and stupid.

“You are so clueless,” Adam laughed fondly. “It’s not something you can wrap or buy… well, technically speaking.”

I just blinked at him, still lost.

Adam chuckled at my apparent naïvetés and advanced forward to me on his knees. “Here’s your clue.”

My chin was suddenly caressed between Adam’s soft thumb and forefinger. His face was no more than a foot away. Adam’s clear eyes held the sincerest look in them as he gazed deep into mine. My stomach started spawning butterflies under his scrutinizing, _intense_ stare, but at the same time, his expression had never been so _tender._ Adam’s eyes drifted shut as he leaned in and tilted my head up slightly. My eyes fluttered shut just as Adam’s soft, warm lips pressed against mine. Immediately, I felt a jolt in my gut. His mouth started moving against mine slowly, and so softly and passionately that it was killing me. Adam’s hand left my chin and snaked to the back of my neck gently just as his hot tongue slowly licked my lips, asking for entry. I trembled at the sensation and granted him access without hesitation. His wet muscle entered my mouth and met mine. I moaned softly and kissed him a bit harder, wanting more of his magical mouth. Adam pushed against me, guiding me onto my back inch by inch as I uncrossed my legs and he climbed in between them, still not breaking the sultry kiss. I’d almost forgotten that this was apparently my only clue to my present, but then I realized Adam was on top of me and kissing me heavily on his _bed_. My stomach flipped in nerves as it all finally clicked, and I felt incredibly stupid for not realizing it much earlier.

“Adam,” I mumbled against his pulsing lips. Adam’s flushed face immediately broke away. He was barely panting as he peered down at me, hovering over me with both of his arms supporting his weight on either side of me. I stared up at him nervously. “My present…You mean…” I trailed off, my eyes flickering between our bodies.

Adam’s eyes immediately filled with apprehension and concern. “Only if you want, we don’t have to… I won’t hurt you…” he mumbled, clearly regretting his decision and still thinking about that goddamn nightmare. Adam looked away, his eyes hard, as if he was setting that last sentence he spoke in stone for him to obey.

I stared up at Adam’s slowly dismaying face for a moment, thinking. His earlier confidence was dying. He’d obviously misinterpreted my tone as rejection and fear, when really; I was just surprised he wanted _this_ so out of the blue. I didn’t think he’d _try_ any time soon, not after that dream of his. Adam didn’t seem to realize that I’d wanted this for a while now. I’d just been waiting for him to be comfortable, but I didn’t think it would be any time in the near future. We had gotten somewhat close at my house, but that never really worked out, and I doubted it would have gone all the way. I didn’t think he was _really_ ready then. But now, it was up to me, apparently. The longer I thought about _actually_ going through _all the way_ with it, the tenser my abdominal muscles got. Sure, I was nervous about what he was offering me, but I was in love with him and…

“I want you,” I said surely, and Adam looked down at me once more with his brow furrowed. I reached up and brushed my fingers through his soft, ebony locks, staring into his eyes seriously. “ _All_ of you.” I felt him shiver slightly beneath my hand in his hair.

My grip in Adam’s hair tightened and I pulled him down once more, meshing my mouth with his confidently and _genuinely_ , trying to convince him that I really did want him. My other hand slid up Adam’s arm and joined the other tangled in his hair, locking him in place. I kissed him for so long that when I finally pulled away to breathe, I was panting against Adam’s lips. His tongue slid down my jawline and he wetly kissed the skin right below my jaw. It felt amazing. Adam’s face buried into my neck again, but it wasn’t a comforting gesture, no. He was licking and sucking at my throat and neck, and I could feel my pulse against his tongue. It sent little jolts straight to my dick. Adam suddenly bit down on my neck and I yelped out quietly, not from pain, but from _pleasure._ He was marking me as his and that was such an arousing thought.

However, this wasn’t fair, Adam had already pleasured me at my house and he never got anything in return. Without warning, I somehow managed to flip us over without falling off the tiny bed. Adam looked up at me, about to protest, but before he could open his mouth, I interrupted him.

“Shush,” I mumbled softly, pecking softly at his lips once before not being able to resist diving in for more.

Adam forced himself to relax into the sheets. I used one hand to hold me up as I hovered above Adam and slowly raked the other down his chest and under the hem of his shirt. My hand slid under his shirt as our tongues entangled in a slick battle. The warmth of Adam’s belly against my palm sent jitters down my spine. I stroked Adam’s flat stomach with feather-light touches resulting in his abdominal muscles twitching against my hand. I smiled against his lips.

I pulled Adam’s shirt up halfway as I sat upright between his legs. I smiled to myself at the sight of his nearly faded bruises. My lips were immediately on Adam’s stomach, placing light, wet kisses all over, teasing his sensitive muscles even more. I kept my hands curved around his bare sides as I trailed the kisses up the center of his broad chest. Adam whimpered almost inaudibly. I pressed my lips against the base of his throat before moving to his mouth again, kissing him fiercely. Adam gasped against my lips as I surprised his hard nipple with my fingers.

My fingers were followed by my tongue, swirling and sucking at his perky bud. I could feel Adam shift as he pulled his shirt completely off and chucked it wherever. Adam’s hand was suddenly in my hair, trying to keep me there without actually forcing me to do anything. I trailed my tongue across his chest to the other bud and his hand followed.  My teeth grazed over his nipple.

“S- _ah,”_ Adam moaned softly, and that certainly wasn’t an extra leg pressing against my inner thigh.

I smirked to myself and without any warning at all, ground my hips into his, rubbing his hard length against mine. Adam jerked underneath me and gasped. My head spun at the thought of his hard-on right _there_ , tight and needy. I’d never seen Adam’s dick before, but he’d seen mine and done incredible things to it. I wanted him to feel what I had felt.

Sitting upright again, I blinked at Adam’s flushed, sensitive figure. What a gorgeous man. How could he not see it? It was almost frustrating. My hands went to the huge fucking bulge in his pants. I trailed my fingers over the hill and Adam whimpered, immediately thrusting lightly upward for friction. I cupped the bulge with my palm and squeezed it several times rhythmically, earning little noises from Adam. I teased him through his pants for another minute before I fumbled with his pants button.

“Hey, hey, not fair,” Adam muttered, flustered as he swatted my hands away, “shirt. Off.” Oh. I was still completely dressed.

I felt a twinge in my pants at his command, though he probably didn’t intend it as such. I immediately pulled my shirt off, obeying his demand. I bunched up my shirt and threw it into the abyss. When I peered back at Adam, his eyes were raking up and down my chest.

“Better?” I asked.

“Much.”

I smiled softly at him and returned to his frustrating pants button. The goddamn thing was impossible! Eventually, I gave up and glared at it, that literally cock-blocking son of a bitch. I heard Adam giggle musically at my pathetic attempts and he came to the rescue, popping the button open like… I don’t know, something easily opened, whatever. Adam’s hands returned to his sides and he smirked at me, eyes glinting with amusement.

“Shut up, just shut up,” I grumbled, hating every type of fabric fastener ever created.

The moment my hands firmly touched the bulge again, Adam tensed, all humor gone. I pulled down his zipper more easily and Adam lifted his hips for a moment in order for me to pull down his pants around his knees. I stared, disbelieving at sight in front of me. Adam’s briefs did nothing but enunciate the large _rock_ that was his dick. My mouth went dry. He was big, _really_ big. Even through his underwear, it was obvious. I blinked several times, before looking up at Adam’s face. From his expression, it was obvious how self-conscious he was. This was the most skin I’d ever seen on him.

I petted his inner thigh, smiling at him. “You’re absolutely beautiful, you know,” I said calmly.

Adam looked away, rolling his eyes like, _yeah right_. So he didn’t believe me? Not a shocker. I was going to make him feel fucking gorgeous if it was the last thing I ever did.

I reached forward and placed my hand over his bulging underwear. I stroked my fingers up and down the length and Adam whimpered out quietly again. He was going to feel so good… I leaned down and held his thighs open as I blew hot air at his fabric covered groin. Adam’s breaths came out shaky. Slowly, my lips landed on his briefed crotch and I mouthed at the bulge through the fabric, kissing humidly. I felt prangs of electricity flow to my own cock as Adam moaned out loud. His hand reached up to my head, but then he hesitated and dropped his arm down to his side again.

I curved my fingers around the fabric of his waistline and pulled his briefs down slowly. I heard Adam try to silence a nervous, protesting noise. I could see why this would be scary for him, but he needed to get over it and just _enjoy._

I pulled his briefs down to his knees and then looked up at the huge, sculpted length in front of me. My mouth went dryer than ever. Holy fucking shit. He was… incredible and gorgeous. But he was bulky, and I found myself suddenly intimidated by his package. How the hell was that thing going to _fit_ _anywhere_? I remember what Adam had said about his dream, about how agonized I’d looked. I gulped.

No, Sauli. Shut up. You’ll be fine. Follow your own advice and just _feel._ He won’t hurt you. I tried to reassure myself and to my surprise, it worked. My mouth started watering at his perfect package. I wanted to taste him. Adam was tensed up, and his eyes had long since closed as if he didn’t want to see me _seeing_ him completely naked. Adam’s arms crossed over his chest stiffly, trying to cover up a bit.

“ _N_ o,” I grumbled, taking his wrists firmly and moving his arms back to his sides. “And goddammit, open your eyes.”

Adam obeyed and peered over at me shyly. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

I was still holding Adam’s arms down by his sides, making sure he’d keep them there. I looked down at his arms as I let go of his wrists and held onto his hands instead. I massaged soothing circles into the backs of his hands. Adam’s arms were still the saddest thing I’d ever witnessed. The scars made me sigh and reluctantly think about the moments they were engraved. But to my relief, there were no fresh cuts. To think that I had any part in his recovery made me tingle with joy. My baby was better now, and he had no reason to hurt himself any more. I glanced over at my own wrapped arm. I just wished I’d been a little stronger.

Enough, Sauli, stop depressing yourself. Get on with it.

I brought both of Adam’s hands to my lips and kissed them before letting go. Adam smiled at me and stroked my cheek with his knuckles before he settled his arms down at his sides where they belonged.

I refocused on his erect manhood. Without taking my eyes off of Adam’s face, I slowly wrapped my hand around the base of his fleshy member and squeezed. Adam’s expression contorted and then relaxed, but his breathing was slightly heavier. He was so _hard._ I gulped, biting my lip. Too aroused to give it a second thought, I wrapped my lips around the head of his cock and licked the slit, feeling pre-cum come off on my tongue. My head started spinning. Was I really doing this? And how did Adam taste so _amazing?_ I wasn’t expecting myself to _love_ this, but I did. I wanted more… _much_ more. I went down on him slowly, trying to take as much of him as I could, and he sure was a mouthful. Adam whimpered lowly, shifting a little. My gag reflex was nowhere near as sensitive as normal peoples’. Thankfully, I was able to take in almost all of Adam in one go without taking too many pauses to adjust. I started pumping him into my mouth with one hand, keeping a steady, firm rhythm. I trailed my tongue up and down his solid shaft as I bobbed, keeping my eyes locked on Adam. He fisted the sheets under him, knuckles turning white, and squeezed his eyes shut as he threw his head back.

“Sa- _oh my god,”_ Adam babbled in pleasure as I started massaging his balls with my free hand. “Fuck! So _good…”_

I stopped pumping his entire length entirely and focused on the tip. I wetly sucked and kissed the head of his cock and lapped up the leaking tip. I flicked my tongue rapidly over his slit and the underside of the tip. Adam arched and moaned out loud.

“Shit!” Adam growled. “ _Sauli_ …” he drawled out my name in a low voice. My dick tightened at that.

Adam was panting heavily and moaning deeply. How could he be so fucking sexy like this? Holy shit, it was incredible. Adam tried to thrust up but I wasn’t having that; he was under my control. I firmly pressed his hips down with one hand.  I could come just looking at Adam’s flustered face. I needed to do this more often if this was the reaction it got out of him. For once, he didn’t appear to give a shit about how he looked; he was sprawled out, his hair sticking to his forehead, and gasping as I continued to tease the head of his dick endlessly. Adam’s cock started to tighten up impossibly. He was starting to get close.

“S-S-Sauli…” Adam moaned. “Stop…” In response to that, I flicked my tongue faster.

Adam groaned. His eyes flickered open and he suddenly sat up, pulling me off of his dick. I furrowed my brow at him in confusion. He was still panting heavily and his eyes were dark with lust.

“It’s _your_ birthday,” Adam said, his voice low, “pants _, off.”_  

My eyes widened at his dominant tone. I’d never seen this side of him. It was erotic and chilling. But, I listened and got off the bed, pulling down my own pants much easier than his. Adam kicked off his pants and underwear that had bunched up at his ankles. I was about to climb back into the bed when Adam’s voice stopped me.

“No, take it all off,” Adam added.

I obliged to his request. I wasn’t self-conscious because Adam had seen me naked before, so it’s not like it was a surprise, but still, Adam’s eyes scoured my body hungrily as I took off my briefs as well. Adam held his arms open as I sauntered onto the bed again and into his embrace. Adam had his legs spread out in front of him and I nestled in between them on my knees. Adam wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his hot chest as he laid us back down on the bed. I could feel his dick poking into my hip as I lay on top of him.

Adam’s lips found mine and he kissed me intensely, stroking my cheek with his thumb. I snaked my hand down his side and brushed my fingers over his cock again.

 _“No,”_ Adam mumbled firmly against my lips as he swatted my hand away.

Adam flipped us over and he was suddenly hovering over me. I shrank back into the sheets, intimidated by his dominating presence.

This was really happening. There was a fucking hot, sweaty, _naked_ Adam on top of a very _naked_ me. How did this ever happen? Not just this part, but the whole thing. It seemed like such a long time ago now when I was just trying to learn more about the cold, aloof figure that roamed the halls and despised everyone. Now here he was, with me, impossibly in _love_ with me, and smiling without a care in the world. And I, who was supposedly straight, somehow ended up falling for him along the way. But I had no regrets. If someone had told me back then that we would end up in this situation, I wouldn’t have just laughed, no, I would have called the police to report the psycho. And it was amazing to me how much Adam had changed in such a short while. All of his emotions had been buried so deep, but they were there, and now he was just letting it all out. It must still be overwhelming for him. It sure was for me, I mean, the first time I’d heard him laugh was a phenomenon. But now, here we were, and as cheesy as it sounded, Adam was everything to me.

Adam leaned down and kissed the side of my mouth before cupping my jaw and stroking my lower lip with his thumb. His index and middle fingers replaced his thumb, tracing both of my bruising lips with his soft pads. Watching intently, Adam slipped his two fingers into my mouth slowly. I grabbed his hand to keep it from moving away. My lips immediately tightened around his fingers as I started sucking and licking at them, sliding my wet, heated muscle all around and in between them slowly.

Adam bit his lip and his eyes sparkled as he stared at the act. “So hot…” he murmured quietly.

Adam’s mouth replaced his slicked-up fingers, tangling his tongue with mine as he kissed me urgently.

Too soon, Adam pulled away, asking carefully, “Are you ready?” His eyes didn’t look sure.

I nodded rapidly and immediately tensed up, nerves sinking in. Adam sighed, feeling like he was pressuring me into this probably.

“You’re going to have to relax, baby, it’ll make it a lot easier,” Adam noted my posture as he sat upright.

I gulped and nodded again, urging my muscles to quit straining.

Adam’s knuckles caressed my inner thighs, and I took a deep breath as he pushed my legs apart as far as they could go. I felt kind of awkward with him staring at my dick and ass like that; it was so intimate and private. I’d never had any intense sexual experiences before this. Heck, I’d never been naked in front of someone else before. Anytime I’d ever just had my shirt off, people wouldn’t look over at me for more than a second or two, but here was Adam, hungrily and shamelessly staring at my body. I guessed I would have to get used to it eventually. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, I repeated to myself.

Adam’s wet fingers suddenly breezed over my entrance and I jerked slightly in alarm, before forcing myself to relax. Come on, Sauli, you need get used to him touching you that intimately. I felt one of Adam’s slick fingers _slowly_ nudge into me, not even an inch deep. I immediately tightened around him. My breaths started getting shaky. This was a weird feeling. I relaxed again and only then did Adam push in deeper… and deeper. Goddamn, how long was his finger? Reflexively, I kept tightening and had to remind myself that the intrusion was wanted. Finally, he had an entire finger in. It didn’t hurt; it just felt odd and unfamiliar. Then he started moving it, slowly pulling his finger almost completely out before sinking it back and curling inside. This wasn’t too much of a stretch though. Adam noticed how I got used to it quickly.

I wondered what was going through Adam’s mind as he peered up at me, something glinting in his eyes as he asked, “Another one?”

I nodded at him, taking a deep breath and holding it in as I felt a second, wet finger nudge its way in alongside the first one. Oh shit, this time it hurt. I squirmed a little and clenched as both fingers slowly stretched their way inside. My saliva on his digits helped, but not by much. I finally exhaled when they were both fully inside me. Adam paused to let me adjust. The stretch was worse. I couldn’t seem to find a way to get comfortable. I looked over at Adam’s huge, leaking dick. My mouth went dry. How in the fuck was that thing ever going to fit inside me? I felt like I would split apart by the third finger. I whimpered when Adam’s fingers dug in and out, scissoring inside of me, forcing me to expand and relax. The pain slowly subsided. Adam’s fingers started moving faster, digging further into me. He kept pumping and curling his fingers inside of me. It started to feel really strange, but a _good_ strange. That’s when he hit _something_ and I jerked, moaning out as I saw white. A ripple of pleasure surged through me. What the hell was _that?_ I looked up at Adam in shock and he grinned at me, like he’d been expecting that. Purposefully, he kept barely tickling that spot as his fingers moved inside of me, occasionally making me jerk in pleasure. That spot was everything I never knew I _needed,_ but now that I knew about it, I didn’t want it to stop. My breathing became more erratic, but not from nerves, but from _want._

“ _More,”_ I hissed at Adam, trying to move my hips to meet his fingers as they worked inside me.

Adam raised his brow at me and then his eyes darkened with lust. He pulled his fingers out and then dove back in slowly with three digits. I moaned lowly. The stretch was painful, but I _welcomed_ the pain. Once all three long fingers were in, Adam paused again, waiting for me to adjust and unclench around him. I took a few deep breaths and then melted into the sheets again. It felt so weird, but so _good._ I didn’t understand it or really care, as long as it stayed this way. Adam curled his fingers in all directions inside me as he slowly finger-fucked me. His fingertips hit that spot and I gasped out when a jolt went straight to my cock, hardening it further. I looked over at Adam’s dick again and moaned quietly, imagining it inside me as Adam’s fingers kept plunging into me. Fuck, I couldn’t take this anymore. I needed him _now._

“Adam, please,” I whimpered, knowing he would understand what I was referring to.

Adam looked down at me in worry, but his fingers didn’t stop moving and stretching. “Baby, I haven’t done enough yet, you can’t take it, it’s not—” he tried to warn me but I cut him off.

“Don’t care.” I panted between every word, “Need you. Inside. _Now.”_  

I heard Adam make a low noise and his fingers froze inside me. “Fuck, Sauli,” he moaned quietly.

“Yes, fuck Sauli,” I joked stupidly, but I was too turned-on to even care.

Adam’s fingers suddenly pulled out completely, and my groan of disappointment was silenced by Adam’s mouth. His kiss was dirty and passionate, sucking and licking at my bruised lips. The moist feeling of his tongue sent desire straight to my leaking cock. Adam pulled away and I watched intently as he sat up and positioned between my legs, and I angled my hips up for him.

Adam stared down at me seriously. “Are you sure about this?” he asked. I nodded sincerely. I had never wanted anything more in my life. Adam looked almost disappointed by my gestural answer as if some part of his subconscious  wished I would back out of this before we were both too far gone. “I don’t have condoms or lube…” he tried again. I gave him a look.

I was getting exasperated, “I don’t care, it’s not like you’re not clean, and just use your saliva or something, but just come _on.”_

Adam’s disappointed expression was slowly replaced with a smile, and I would kill to know what he was thinking. Adam wrapped his hand around his cock and moaned softly as he slicked it up as best as he could. My dick twitched at the sight of Adam touching himself like that.

He pressed the tip against my entrance. I could feel the heat of his cock radiating against me. Steadying his self by using my hips, Adam slowly, _slowly_ pushed in, and as his tip went in, I gasped at the stretch. It was like being overfilled as he eased in slowly, and every time I thought it was almost over, he just kept sinking in more. It hurt… a lot, but I tried to not show it for his sake.

Adam moaned, “So _tight.”_

I clenched my eyes shut, fisted the sheets under me, and bit my lip hard as I felt my muscles squeeze and contract on his member. I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead. My god, he was big. Adam was going as slow as possible and pausing to let me adjust every inch, trying to make this easier for me. It was a thousand times more difficult than mere fingers. I groaned out quietly at the feeling of being impossibly filled and nearly ripping apart at the seams. But… nothing tore, nothing excruciating happened, and then, Adam stopped; he was completely in. That wasn’t as painful as I’d thought it’d be. My eyes flashed open and stared at the gorgeous sight in front of me: Adam, sweaty and overjoyed, his cock fully sheathed _inside_ of me _._ That was it. My head spun. No more virginity for both of us. And I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to take it. I was bound to Adam like no other.

Adam placed his hands on either side of me and leaned down. “Need a moment?” he asked, concerned, his face inches from mine.

I nodded and pulled him down, taking his lips with mine. I sucked sweetly on his heated lips. I held his face with both hands as he pulled away, stroking his flushed cheeks with my thumbs.

“I’m ready,” I replied with a grin.

“Thank goodness,” Adam replied, sounding desperate.

The feeling of being completely filled with no spare room was hard to ignore and incredibly strange, but it didn’t really hurt anymore. I knew the pain was only temporary. I thought I was handling it pretty darn well for a first-timer, especially a first-timer faced with _Adam._

Adam hovered over me and started to pull out slowly. I dropped my hands from his face and forced myself to relax as best as possible since contracting at this point would just make it harder for him to move, especially with the lack of proper lube. Adam pulled almost all the way out before slowly diving back in. I shifted underneath him, trying to brace myself, and accidently squeezed hard around him. Adam moaned and his eyes closed. I could feel him _throbbing_ inside of me. He moved in and out very slowly, giving me a good amount of time to adjust to the weird feeling and discomfort. After a few slow rocks of his hips, he somehow went deeper, nudging that spot inside of me. I flinched and gasped loudly underneath him, sending jolts straight to my cock. _Fuck!_ That was so _good._ But at this slow-ass, careful pace, he wasn’t going to go _this_ deep often enough and I was going to be forced to beg.

“Adam… I can take it, I’m sure. Just _please._ More!” I panted. It was such an odd pleasure.

Adam’s head lowered, wisps of sweaty, dark hair falling forward, and his bright blue eyes glinted with lust, watching me look so desperate for his dick. Sexuality was just rolling off of him in waves now. I fought the urge to moan at how desirable he looked right then.

“You want to writhe on my cock?” Adam said in an irresistibly husky voice.

My eyes widened. I gulped. Did he really just say that? I didn’t know whether to laugh in disbelief or moan at his tone. Instead, I just bit my tongue and nodded furiously, wondering how much more he could give me and just how much he was holding _back_ for my sake… Adam stroked my messy hair out of my face and gave me a loving smile before sitting upright on his knees with his dick still inside of me.

“Legs up,” Adam said, gesturing to his shoulders. My eyebrows rose. For a virgin, he seemed to know exactly what he was doing.

I did what he told me and awkwardly lifted my legs one by one up on top of his shoulders, calves dangling over. Adam’s arms went in between my legs and his hands secured onto my hips, angling my hips up and pulling me closer to him. I gasped audibly at how much deeper he suddenly sank into me with this small change of position. I accidently clenched tighter around him in surprise and Adam hummed deeply at the squeezing sensation around him.

Adam started moving slowly, and I was about to complain, but I noticed he was easing into it, getting faster. He gripped onto my hips tightly and started full on thrusting into me. Any discomfort I had was suddenly completely gone; replaced with pleasure. I moaned and sparks shot off under my skin, making me feel hot all over and unable to breathe all at once every time he nicked that spot inside of me with his thrusts. Adam was panting and moving more rapidly. I threw my head back and whimpered as he kept pounding into me with a steady, hard rhythm.

“You feel so—” Adam cut off with a guttural sound of want, “ _Amazing.”_

I couldn’t focus on his words; the incredible feeling kept shooting throughout my body, from my fingertips to toes. I moaned and canted my hips up further to meet Adam’s thrusts. He was gliding in and out easily now, and I could feel Adam’s concerns disappear as he just melted into his own pleasure and pounded into me so hard that I felt like I would split into two, and yet, I wanted more of him, _harder, faster._ My head suddenly contacted the headboard and my hands flew up against it, bracing myself. I hadn’t realized that Adam was driving into me so hard that I’d actually skidded several inches on the sheets.

My legs shook off of Adam’s shoulders to either side of him. I just couldn’t keep them up as he was moving so much. I nearly groaned at the way my legs ruined the perfect position, and then wrapped them tightly around Adam’s waist as he thrust into me, pulling him closer and deeper. I wasn’t one to moan excessively like a ridiculous porn star, but I couldn’t help the few that ripped out of my throat as he kept teasing that spot inside of me and hardening me further. My dick was screaming for attention, but I was just too focused on Adam to bother helping myself, plus, my hands were busy keeping my head from slamming into the headboard.

That’s when one of Adam’s hands suddenly left my hip and wrapped around my cock as if he read my mind. I moaned out in relief. He fisted it in time with his thrusts. I wanted to cry from all of the mind-blowing sensations that were running through me. It was all becoming too much and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer, but it didn’t matter because I could feel Adam’s thrusts fall out of rhythm and he panted, getting much too close.

“A-Adam,” I sputtered, nails digging into the sheets below me. “I-I-I can’t—”

“—It’s okay,” Adam panted in between thrusts. “Come for me.” His tone in that last sentence made me shiver.

Adam made a point of pounding into me as deeply as possible and teasing my slit just to send me beyond return. I felt my balls draw up and my legs clench tightly around Adam’s waist. The tension coiled up. I arched stiffly and cried out as blinding white pleasure ripped throughout my body, causing me to see stars and seize up around Adam as I came violently all over my stomach and Adam’s hand. I rode out the orgasm until I was completely drained. My legs fell down limply from Adam’s waist; I was suddenly incredibly exhausted. I heard Adam moan at the sight of me releasing. He let go of my over-sensitive dick and held onto my hip again as he slammed into me a handful of times before freezing inside of me and crying out in response. My spine tingled as Adam moaned. I gasped at the sudden warm, wet feeling inside of me as Adam threw his head back and came. A different heat and glow spread throughout my body, beyond where Adam and I were connected.

Adam collapsed. I huffed when the heated weight of his body fell on top of me. Adam panted heavily into my neck. I trembled from his hot breaths. My chest pushed his up and down with every exhausted gulp of air I took. I felt like over-heated putty in my post-orgasmic state. Neither Adam nor I moved even though he was still buried deep inside of me. I had no words to say. I was almost _too_ happy and satisfied. I teasingly squeezed around his cock and Adam whimpered weakly in my ear. We stayed in that limp, sweaty, tangled, and drained mess for a while.

After a few minutes, the haze wore off and my breathing returned to normal. I felt Adam’s bruised lips brush against my neck as he buried his head there. I smiled to myself. At least that adorable gesture didn’t change. Adam shifted slightly and I winced at the mass still inside of me.

“Adam…?” I mumbled sweetly under him. Adam hummed contently in my ear in response. I grinned widely, knowing he couldn’t see my face. “…Get your huge, fucking dick out of my ass.”

I heard Adam chuckle and his body shook slightly. His laugh still sent tingles to my stomach. I shook my head with a smile.

“Sorry,” Adam mumbled as he pushed himself up and hovered over me.

 I winced again and squeezed my eyes shut as Adam pulled out completely. I felt Adam sit up and I opened my eyes to watch him take the corner of his sheets and wipe his come-covered hand and my stomach. My eyes widened as I felt thick liquid start to seep out of my ass. Oh god, was that Adam’s…? I blushed fiercely as Adam nonchalantly held my thigh and wiped his own spilling seed with the sheets. I didn’t miss the slight twitch of his lips though.

Once he was done, Adam’s eyes raked up my body, landing on my face last. He gave me the most heartbreaking smile. If I wasn’t so limp and exhausted, I would have sat up just to pull him back down and kiss him. How the hell was Adam able to move so easily? I was about to fall asleep. Adam looked down at his bedroom floor and his expression suddenly changed into one that looked… surprised?

“Shit!” Adam uttered. “I can’t believe I forgot!”

“What?” I asked, raising a brow.

Adam looked back at me, jittery. “I wrote you a song.”

Huh?

I watched him get off the bed and rush over to a pair of pants in the corner. “I wrote it a while ago,” Adam said as he dug through the pocket of the jeans. I tried to ignore his incredible, naked body.

Adam pulled out a piece of paper and grinned at it before climbing back onto the bed and offering it to me. With every last ounce of strength I had left, I willed myself to sit up and take it from him. Adam scooted and sat next to me, nearly falling off the edge of the tiny bed. I opened up the crumpled piece of paper and scanned the words scrawled into the page. I felt my eyes sting at the lyrics. This is how he felt about me? But… How… I was speechless. _I wrote it a while ago…_

“Adam…” I said with a shaky voice as I turned my head to look at his bright face. “When exactly did you write this?”

Adam’s expression changed as if he had been caught, then it softened again. “Before you even told me you liked me.”

It took a second to click as I thought about what our relationship was back then. I gaped at Adam. “You mean… even back _then?_ You _felt_ this way _?”_ I was baffled.

Adam offered me a soft smile. “Honestly?” he asked. I nodded. Adam stared deeply into my eyes. “I wanted you in a way I couldn’t understand since I first saw you. It didn’t make sense to me. But then you fucking wouldn’t leave me alone,” he gave me an annoyed look and I just grinned, “and so I couldn’t forget or ignore that _want,_ but believe me, I _tried._ I didn’t want to get myself involved because I was afraid of every consequence. But… you stuck around even with my objections, and the feelings kept getting worse and worse for me. All these emotions I didn’t want… _”_

Adam trailed off for a second before continuing, “There were emotions that became addicting and only appeared when you were around. Happiness, jealousy, embarrassment… Love… Trust… Courage… Hope…” Adam stared almost sadly at me. “I didn’t want _any_ of it. I had prepared myself for years to just embrace death when it finally came; it was the only path I saw for myself. But _you…_ you showed me a different way, a different path. You gave me a reluctant glimpse of a better life, and it _terrified_ me because… I found myself _wanting_ that other path, but forcing it down because I knew it was impossible.”

Adam looked away, a light in his eyes. “Then… I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but you let yourself in; an unwanted intrusion into my head and my secrets. I knew then that there was no fighting you, because for some reason, you were hell-bent on _helping_ me. It was mind-boggling to me. There was just something about you that was… different. Not long after, and no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I was actually falling for you. And it was depressing as fuck because I thought there was no way it could end well for me. And… it just kind of progressed and I consciously knew I was losing my inner battle to forget you… I selfishly decided to indulge in the emotions you gave me even though I knew the risks. So eventually, I needed a way to tell you how you made me feel and a song seemed like a good way to do it, but I knew you were straight and the song would probably be nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders for you.”

I blinked, trying to take that all in and nearly failing. My eyes flickered between the cherished song in my hands and Adam’s eyes.

“If you finished the song so long ago, how come you didn’t give it to me then?” I asked.

Adam huffed, “I _was_ goingto _._ That day in the library… I was on my way to give it to you, but then I heard some things and…”

“Oh…” I mumbled. It all made sense now. “Sorry…”

Adam shook his head. “Don’t be,” he said. “Just know how I feel and what you mean to me.”

My heart warmed as I scanned the beautiful song again. I yawned, still exhausted. I looked up at Adam. “Sing it for me.”

Adam studied me. “You’re tired, you should sleep. Maybe later…”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not a baby, and it will only mean so much more. Please?”

Adam sighed and leaned forward to cup my cheek, stroking it with his thumb. I closed the distance and rested my hands on the sides of his bare torso. Adam tilted my head up and closed his eyes as he took my lips with his. I smiled against his lips before kissing him back. Slow, soft, and passionate, his mouth conjured up hazed butterflies in my stomach.

Adam wrapped one arm around my bare waist and pulled me against him, while his other hand held the back of my head as he laid us down onto his pillows. I broke away from his mouth and snuggled into him. Adam’s right arm draped over my waist and his left one supported my head like a pillow, with the top of my head resting on his bicep and my leg hitched over his hip. Adam rested his chin on top of my head, stroking my hair with the hand attached to his bicep pillow. Being in the security and comfort of Adam’s arms was enough to make my eyelids feel ridiculously heavy. His warm embrace was bliss.

“What did you name the song?” I mumbled contently.

“Map,” Adam replied after a moment.

“Thank you for this.” I smiled and kept the song tight in my hand.

“No… thank _you,”_ Adam muttered, “for everything that you’ve given me.”

My heart swelled. “My pleasure… literally,” I chuckled.

I couldn’t see Adam’s face, only his collarbone and chest, but I could almost feel him smile to himself before taking a deep breath to start the song.

“ _I had a vision that the colors had bled away, and I had nothing to follow,”_ Adam murmured softly.

I tried to listen intently to every lyric he sang quietly with his beautiful voice that rang clearly in my ears just to see the meaning behind all of it.

_“Was in a prison and my life was stuck on replay, and all my wishes were hollow.”_

His father… his forgotten dreams… his hopelessness… either everything he sang made perfect sense or I was assuming.

“ _You were a beam of light,”_ Adam sang, almost mumbling. He stroked my back with his right hand. I smiled, trying to fight the moisture in my eyes, “ _lit up my broken sky. There was just something about you…”_ Adam pressed his lips against my hair before continuing, “ _I had a vision and you painted the world for me, and now I’m laying beside you.”_ Adam’s arm around me tightened. I sniffled.

“ _I don’t need to wander anymore… I have found what I’ve been looking for,”_ I leaned forward slightly and kissed Adam’s collarbone. I miraculously found him too. His hand trailed down my side with feather-light touches. “ _I don’t need a map to know the way. I don’t need a map to tell me where I’m at.”_

Adam sighed thoughtfully before continuing, still as soft as a lullaby, “ _Now I believe in more than I can see. Now I can breathe again and I don’t need a map to know the way. I don’t need a map; you’ll always light the path...”_

I guess in a way, I kind of did “light a path” for him. Like Adam said earlier, apparently I showed him there was a different way he could go other than just waiting for death. Adam… I fucking love you so much… I felt sleepy tears well up in my eyes and drop down onto his pillow.

“ _The dawn is bright is bright and my perception is open wide. You know you flooded my senses,”_ Adam sang in a hushed tone, as if he was _trying_ to make me fall asleep… it was working. I yawned deeply.

“ _What you inspire is a feeling I can’t describe, forgotten all my defenses.”_ I smiled again, remembering the locked-up, brooding Adam that _hated_ having to talk to me, afraid he’d say something he shouldn’t. I’d grown to love this man and the way he’d stutter nervously around me.

I could feel my consciousness start to drift, but I tried to stay awake to listen to everything Adam was singing. I closed my eyes and snuggled closer to his collarbone. “ _You were a beam of light, lit up my broken sky. There was just something about you. I had a vision and you painted the world for me, and now I’m staying beside you.”_ I hoped forever. I couldn’t even comprehend losing this embracing perfection

“ _I don’t need to wander anymore… I have found what I’ve been looking for... I don’t need a map to know the way... I don’t need a map to tell me where I’m at…”_ Adam’s words became fuzzy and distant, but they reverberated in my head, permanently embroidering into my brain. I yawned contently again. “ _Now I believe in more than I can see... Now I can breathe again and I don’t need a map to know the way... I don’t need a map; you’ll always light the path…”_

And then I couldn’t stay awake anymore. I barely felt it when I somehow ended up with half of my body draped over Adam, resting my head on what felt like his warm, bare chest, and I quarter-consciously assumed the cozy weight that magically appeared on top of me was a blanket. I was aware of two arms wrapping around me protectively and then nothing.

A distant, angelic echo sent me over the edge. “ _I believe…”_

Surrounded by warmth, I floated happily into my deep subconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment? ;) I hope this was worth the wait!


	48. A Dead End?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well fuck, this took weeks to make. Sorry about it guys, but you'll see why. :) Enjoy and leave a comment!

Adam:

I couldn’t sleep anymore, but I had no intention of getting up. I’d joined Sauli into the blissful subconscious soon after he’d slipped under. But now, who knows how long later, I’d woken up almost surprised that I hadn’t dreamt of the whole _event_ earlier.

Judging by the eerily dim light seeping through the curtains of my window, it was either late night or early morning, and Sauli was still comatose on top of me, sleeping soundlessly. I smiled softly at the ceiling as I hugged the warm figure in my arms underneath the thin blanket. Sauli’s head and half of his torso rested on my chest, his soft hair tickled me every now and then. He had one hand gripping gently onto the side of my ribs, holding me to him like a pillow. The calm air was completely silent, which I still hated, and my only source of sanity was Sauli’s hushed, slow breaths. I lifted one hand and ran my fingers through his fluffy hair, satisfied that I could finally undergo this simple gesture of endearment with confidence, but I doubted I would ever get used to having someone love me like this.

And on a somewhat related topic, fuck my ridiculously vivid nightmare. I was sure now that it meant nothing. I just had _sex_ with this gorgeous, unreal creature, and he was still here, perfectly fine, perfectly content. I was certain that there wasn’t some lustful, twisted monster lurking deep inside of me. I almost wanted to laugh at myself for overreacting in paranoia earlier, and I also wanted to slap myself for giving Sauli that scare.

My stomach knotted remembering every _word_ , every _touch_ , and every _sensation_ of our bonding. I hadn’t hurt Sauli as far as I knew. Heck, he’d kept _begging_ me to give him moreafter I’d tried so hard to keep from doing anything we’d both regret. However, I’d eventually given into his demands because I couldn’t resist his pleading moans as he writhed underneath me.Sauli had taken everything I’d thrown—or _thrust_ at him with ease. It was remarkable. For a minute, I’d doubted he was a virgin because of how much of a natural he was, but then I’d felt that _tightness_ and uncertainty, and I knew that it was indeed his first time. He just added another talent to his already impeccable perfection.

A sudden, loud gurgling noise startled me. I looked around rapidly. What the hell was that? Not ten seconds later, it growled again. For a moment, I was actually scared, and I managed to come up with a ridiculous defense plan in seconds, but then I realized…

Oh… that was Sauli.

I fought the urge to face-palm. My god, I was an idiot…

He was _hungry_.

And that was his stomach.

I totally forgot that _potentially_ , people need to eat.

I trailed my fingers up and down Sauli’s bare back, stupidly trying to comfort his upset, empty stomach. I needed to get up and find something for us to eat, but ugh… I was so gratified right here and Sauli was hibernating. He must be _really_ exhausted. Who knew that sex would take so much out of you?  How come I was wide awake and alert? Did bottoming have a completely different experience? Why was I just laying here and asking myself naïve questions?

I needed to get up without waking him…

I shifted slightly, testing. Sauli’s eyes remained glued shut. I tried to slither my chest out from underneath him, but Sauli’s grip on my side tightened as soon as I moved. I froze, thinking he woke up. Sauli murmured hazily and let out a deep breath. I relaxed and gave him a bemused look. He was going to be his usual stubborn and impossible self even in his sleep? No shock there, the man was an enigma. I gently pried Sauli’s fingers off of my ribs. With much difficulty, I managed to move my upper torso out from under him, cupping Sauli’s head in place with my hand where my chest had been so his head wouldn’t suddenly drop down onto the sheets. I slipped my pillows under his head and let go. As Sauli’s head sunk down into the pillows, his hand immediately hugged the side. I smiled at his adorableness.

Trying to be as silent as possible, I stood up from the tiny bed and tip-toed over to my clothes, pulling each article on. Briefs, sweatpants, and a shirt later, I was fully dressed. I made my way back over to the bed and stared down at my beautiful Sauli. I pulled the blanket up to cover his shoulders and tucked him in. I gently pressed my lips against his warm forehead, and then continued creeping out of the bedroom.

I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and stared at the sparse contents in dismay. Beer, beer, beer, moldy apple, diet Pepsi, what the fuck is that, beer, cheese (?), wine, and—HALLELUJAH—EGGS. I reached in and grabbed the container. Please don’t be rotten, _please._ I opened the package and sighed in relief. There were two eggs left, and not only did they look just fine, the expiration date was still a few days away.

But uh, I had no clue how to cook.

Oh well, there was a first time for everything. I scurried around the kitchen quickly and quietly, looking for some sort of pan to cook in. I finally found what I assumed to be a decent sized one and turned on the stove to the highest temperature. Now… do I need oil for this or not? Not… I decided. I clumsily cracked each egg into the pan and dug around for the shell pieces. I was going for sunny-side up, but at this failure rate, scrambled was becoming something less than an option and more of a… _too bad, motherfucker_ …

I let the eggs sizzle for a few minutes, staring at them like I was trying to figure out Latin. Shit, were they supposed to be smoking? What the fuck was I doing? Oh great, now they were turning black around the edges. Maybe it’s the heat? I reached forward to turn down the temperature, but it was already too late. The smoke detector started to _blare_ mercilessly. I slammed my palms over my ears. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! SHUT UP! My ears rang from the sudden noise as the alarm screeched out in warning. It could not be louder, holy crap. I turned the stove off and quickly shoved the pan to the cold side, but the alarm still screamed like a fucking banshee. How the fuck do you turn this thing off?! UGH! I couldn’t take it. I ripped the alarm off of the wall, wires and all, and chucked it at the ground. Pieces broke off, but to my horror, it lived on loudly. With a few furious stomps via my foot, the miserable thing finally surrendered and died off.

So much for making breakfast… It was more like I just ran a marathon. I was panting heavily, my heart was racing, and I could feel my blood pounding in my head.

“Adam?” I heard a sleepy voice call out from behind me.

I jumped, startled from the voice, and whipped around in time to see Sauli fully dressed in his clothes from yesterday and rubbing his tired eyes. He yawned and looked around, confused.

“What in the world are you doing?” Sauli asked, his eyes landing on the broken shit all over the floor.

“Making breakfast?” I questioned myself. If you could even call that pathetic mess a meal.

The sleep on Sauli’s face wiped clear off as he noticed the pan on the stove. His eyes flickered between the eggs and the dead alarm. He snorted and walked passed me to take a closer look. He started laughing so hard that he suddenly needed the counter for support. I glared at him. He actually wiped tears from his eyes. My glare narrowed further and I crossed my arms in defense. Oh, fuck you… Sauli looked up at my expression and struggled to stifle his chuckles by covering his mouth. It didn’t work. Sauli took another look at the eggs and set off again. He sank to the floor, laughing hysterically. This was ridiculous. How was that even funny? He’s so grateful… I sighed sadly and breezed past the whooping body on the floor, taking a seat at the dining table. I propped up my elbow on the table and rested my chin in my palm, waiting for him to stop.

“Oh my god, I love you,” Sauli blurted between delighted wheezes from the floor. “I can’t breathe!”

I sighed again, glancing over at the burnt eggs across the kitchen. I couldn’t even make eggs. How the hell could Sauli expect us to make it on our own?

_Eventually_ , Sauli stopped laughing. He pulled himself up off the floor and made his way over to me with a big grin on his face. I looked up at his glowing face from the chair, expecting him to burst out again. He didn’t, thank fuck. My ego couldn’t take it. I never realized just how pathetic I was.

“Aw, cheer up,” Sauli smiled down at me, petting my wild nest of hair like I was a little boy.

“Like you could do better…”  I muttered, acting like… a little boy. I sighed.

“Actually, I can,” Sauli replied, amusement still lacing his voice.

“Whatever… At least I can sing,” I huffed defensively.

“Mmhmm,” Sauli agreed, still not taking me seriously. I stared hard at his feet, still upset. After a minute, Sauli’s voice broke the impending silence. “I’m sorry…”

I sighed again. This was entirely my fault. “No, I’m sorry I woke you up…” I mumbled.

“No, no,” Sauli laughed once. “That was the best alarm ever. You should do that every day.”

I threw him a death glare, not amused.

Sauli’s expression didn’t faze. Instead, he took my threat as a welcome and nestled onto my lap, straddling my thighs on his knees. Even my intimidating presence was wearing off, wasn’t it? I sat very still even as Sauli managed to pull out his legs from underneath him and wrap them around my midsection, pulling us chest to chest. He cupped either side of my head and leaned in, kissing my tense forehead. He trailed down my face and took my lips with his, kissing me softly. My eyes remained open and I fought to not respond to him.

“By the way,” Sauli commented against my lips. “My ass hurts like hell.”

My sour mood crumbled from that, and I found myself smirking against Sauli’s lips as I cupped his ass cheeks and squeezed. Sauli winced, and he took my uplifted aura as an opportunity to kiss me gently again. I couldn’t help but kiss him back just a _little_ bit.

“Sorry, not sorry,” I mumbled, muffled by Sauli’s kiss. “I _did_ warn you.”

Sauli hummed and clasped his hands behind my neck, pulling me closer so he could shove his tongue into my mouth. I sucked softly on his tongue and lips as I moved my arms under his shirt and raked my hands up and down his smooth, bare back. As terrible as I was at holding a grudge against Sauli, I was actually the one to deepen the kiss. I tangled my fingers into his soft hair, feeling my skin get hotter. God, I could just pick him up, throw him onto the bed upstairs, and never let him leave, but ugh, we did have to stop. I still needed to feed him and myself… But fuck, couldn’t I just eat Sauli instead? He tasted so goddamn _good._ His tongue explored my mouth and I shivered from the warm, wet sensation. Being the teasing bitch that he is, Sauli unexpectedly nipped my lower lip, causing me to moan deeply into his mouth and turn more aggressive. I jerked his hair and kissed him harder and harder. And _harder_ was the perfect thing to describe the _situation_ that Sauli was sitting directly on.

Adam, think priorities! Food first, _this_ later.

I broke away from Sauli’s pulsing lips with a smack, my face inches from his. I could feel the heat radiating from his face. I tried to catch my breath, giving Sauli a stern look and licking my lips.

“ _You_ ,” I said between pants, “seriously need to eat.”

“Later,” Sauli replied before his arms tightened around the back of my neck.

Sauli’s lips crushed mine again. I _pathetically_ melted into his agonizingly delicious kiss. Fuck my hormones. I couldn’t resist him like this. Not that I was _really_ complaining. Ugh, Adam. Focus!

I stood up from the dining chair with Sauli still wrapped around me; clinging to my hips, neck, and mouth like his life depended on it. I was about to peel him off of me and find something nutritious to shove down his throat—I mentally scolded my dick for volunteering—but Sauli, knowing what I was actually intending, had other plans. With a deep, angry growl against my lips, he suddenly slammed his heels into the backs of my knees. My eyes flew open in alarm just as I buckled. My arms and hands hardened into a protective cage around Sauli’s head and torso as we crashed down to the cold tiles. I landed on top of Sauli with a huff and immediately tried to scramble off, fearing that I was crushing him with my weight and the impact. But Sauli’s legs locked around me again, trapping me on top of him. I stopped struggling and stared down at his glinting eyes with wide ones.

 “Damn, you’re persistent,” I said, my voice higher in surprise.

Sauli smirked and pulled my face down toward his, meshing his lips with mine, sending sparks of electricity flying, and reinforcing my statement.

Okay, fine. Forget about the food…

Sauli’s legs tightened around my hips as I rolled them hard into his. He moaned loudly, sending a deep vibration down my throat. Every single time my lips touched his, a jolt ran through me. I doubted that sensation would ever fade and I didn’t want it to. I loved the way Sauli’s mouth molded with mine, matching my movements perfectly, like a well-oiled machine. His tongue wrestled with mine between intense kisses, and even though I won dominance naturally, Sauli always put up an erotic fight. My heart was beating faster and my body felt as if it were on fire.

I just couldn’t get enough of Sauli. I could never be completely satisfied mentally or physically. I loved this man too damn much, but never enough. I wanted to be bound to him in every symbolic way. I wanted everyone to know that he was _mine_ and only mine. My head was spinning and I couldn’t think straight anymore.

Sauli, I wish I could I marry you.

I went to trail kisses down Sauli’s neck, but he suddenly broke away and stared up at me with wide eyes. Sauli dropped his legs from my hips and his hands from my neck, releasing me. Of course I was immediately confused and alarmed. What happened? Why did he stop? Did I hurt him somehow? As I hovered over him, I gave Sauli a questioning look.

“You… really mean that?” Sauli asked in a quiet voice, his eyes anxious.

Wait, what? “Um… I didn’t say anything?” I replied. As far as I knew, I’d been lost in my thoughts and tasting him.

Sauli raised an eyebrow. “Yes you did. Just now,” he muttered. Sauli’s voice dropped to a timid tone, “You just said you wish… you could marry me…?”

My eyes widened as far as they could. Oh shit. Oh fucking _shit._ I said _that_ out loud?! He wasn’t fucking supposed to hear that! What the fuck, Adam?!

“I—I—I uh, um, I—you, uh, s—sorry, um I,” was stuttering like a broken record.

I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know what to say to him. Yes, I meant it? No, I didn’t? I mean, in reality, of course I meant it. I wanted him more than anything, but… the look on Sauli’s face right now as he waited... He looked bewildered and _scared_. I had no clue if he wanted _that_ or not. I would _never_ have said it out loud to him on purpose! But my big, fucking mouth decided to shape my thought into sound. Oh god, how had I said it? Was it blurted out or moaned against his lips, I had no clue. Sauli was still staring up at me, expecting an answer. I felt like my response to his question would be like trying to cut the right wire to disable explosives. I just couldn’t do it. What if he said he wasn’t ready for something like that and then everything became awkward between us, slowly making us drift apart? I didn’t want to lose him like that… or at _all._

I sighed, defeated, and just stared down at Sauli’s chest sadly, not knowing what to do now.

I felt Sauli’s warm palm against my cheek, his fingertips brushing away the wisps of black hair that had fallen forward and hidden my eyes. I looked over at Sauli reluctantly with a blank expression, somewhat ready to face the music. I was surprised to see Sauli’s eyes gleaming and an ever so slight smile gracing his flushed face. He started stroking my cheek with his thumb when our eyes met.

“I hope you mean it,” Sauli mumbled softly, his smile growing warmer.

I blinked down at him. He… wow... _Sauli…_  

“Really…?” I mouthed inaudibly.

Sauli smiled genuinely again.

After a moment of shock, I couldn’t help but reflect his expression. A small smile spread across my face and I blinked away the building moisture in my eyes. I slid off of Sauli, and then proceeded to grab his hand and haul us both to our feet. The second we were upright, I pulled Sauli into my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around him and burying my face into his soft hair. I felt Sauli press a kiss to my collarbone as he bear-hugged me back.

“I love you,” Sauli muttered quietly against the base of my throat. I held him tighter and let his words replay over and over in my head.

Wait, that didn’t count as a proposal, right? That was not my intention, and neither of us was prepared for that with the shitty circumstances we were in. Not to mention, by the fuckery of society, we couldn’t _actually_ get married anyway… hence the “I _wish”_ part. I sighed and rubbed Sauli’s back, knowing he realized that too.

“ _Now_ will you let me take you out and feed you?” I mumbled into Sauli’s hair and relaxed my grip on him. “I’m afraid you’re going to crumble into dust if I squeeze you too tight.”

Sauli’s laugh was muffled by my chest. “Sure—”

He was cut off by the front door handle rattling furiously. Both of our heads immediately whipped to the direction of the sound. I heard a muffled, annoyed groan coming from the other side of the door. A sudden bang reverberated off the front door down the hall. My breath hitched in my throat as the house shook with every bash against the door.

“ _ADAM!”_ I heard a gruff voice yell from the outside.

I froze. My heart sank. I couldn’t breathe.

I’d recognize that _horrible_ voice anywhere.

And it was already too late to run.

Sauli pulled away from my arms and gave me an alarmed look. I stared down at the one person in this world that was _everything_ to me, and it was my commitment to put his life above mine _._ I realized what was going to happen if we just stood here. I flinched at the sound of another strike at the door, and blanched when the hinge broke off and clattered on the ground. The psycho was trying to break down the door. There was no time to lose. I felt like throwing up.

“It’s your dad, isn’t it?” Sauli asked in a panicky voice. “How did he fucking escape?! We need to get out of here.”

I didn’t hear him; I was consumed by my disturbing thoughts. I tried to swallow the heavy lump in my throat and failed. I placed my hands on Sauli’s shoulders and stared intently into his eyes.

Considering the time it would take us to escape through a window and the time it would take Eber to reach us without anything stopping him, we were dead already.

As calmly as I could manage even though time was rapidly running out, I said, “Sauli, listen to me. I need you to go upstairs, take anything you need, and climb down my bedroom window. Both of us can’t try to escape. We don’t have the time. It’s a small house and he’ll find us within seconds. I’ll stay here and fend him off to buy you time to leave.”

“What the fuck, Adam?” Sauli practically yelled at me, throwing my hands off his shoulders. “He’ll kill you! I’m not leaving you.”

Another slam at the weakening door. Another loosening hinge. Another second wasted.

My hands started trembling. “IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER WHAT HE DOES TO ME!” I screamed at Sauli. He stared back at me with wide, hurt eyes. “I can’t let him see you! If he finds you, he’ll kill you without hesitation _. I can’t let you die_ ,” I shook my head, horrified at the mere thought. “I can’t live with myself knowing you’re gone, _got it?!”_

The door frame snapped as the second hinge fell off and joined the first one. I heard another angered yell of effort coming from behind the door.

“SAULI, _GO!_ ” I screamedand shoved Sauli hard toward the stairs a couple feet behind him. Sauli stumbled and threw me a distraught look as he hesitated at the foot of the stairs. I heard the third hinge clatter onto the floor. I hissed, “ _NOW!”_

Sauli bit his lip and started bolting up the stairs just as, with a sickening crack and crash, the entire front door fell flat on the floor. I saw Sauli just freeze halfway up the stairs. My heart started pounding at the sight of my disheveled father entering the house. He was still wearing the same clothes as when he had been arrested. Eber’s eyes landed on me and he grinned wickedly.

“Hello, _son,”_ Eber sneered.

I fought a gag. I felt like I was staring death in the eye.

From my peripheral, I could see Sauli. Why was he just standing there halfway up the stairs? You idiot, get out of here! At least he was hidden from Eber’s view inside the stairwell. I needed to buy him time to unfreeze and leave.

“What are you doing here?” I asked shakily, stalling, even though I easily knew the answer to that.

Eber laughed once, guttural and phlegmy. “Well, the retard police are after me right now, so I figured since I’m going to jail anyway and you’re no use to me anymore… I might as well take my revenge and kill you.”

I took a deep breath and forced back tears. I guess it was a fight to the death then. The odds were against me. I didn’t miss the bulge of a gun in his pocket.

Suddenly, there was a tuft of blond hair blocking my view.

“Over my dead body you will,” Sauli said to Eber. His voice was low and determined.

I blanched and turned to stone in horror. Eber looked shocked and confused.

I grabbed Sauli’s arm and jerked him back.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” I yelled at him. “GET OUT OF HERE!”

“Never,” was all he replied sternly.

I groaned out in frustration and fear. What now?

Eber’s shocked expression slowly morphed into a wicked grin. “So… _this_ is your little faggot friend?” He took a few steps forward. I yanked Sauli behind me and stood in front of him defensively. “Aw, look at that. How cute...”

I could hear my heart pounding in my head. I’d never been more terrified in my life. Every feeling of every beating Eber had given me didn’t compare to the terror of knowing he was _this_ close to Sauli. Eber took another few steps forward and I pushed Sauli back a few feet, but kept my ground. Eber suddenly grabbed the top of my shirt and pulled me to him as he reared his other fist back and slammed it into my jaw, still holding me upright. Pain blazed through my face and I bit back a whimper. I heard Sauli yell out behind me in defiance.

“ _Please_ leave,” I begged Sauli who was still a few feet back. I tried not to show a hint of my pain to him and failed.

“No fucking way in hell!” Sauli hissed as he suddenly ran up by my side and without pausing, kicked Eber right in the balls.

Eber groaned out loud and suddenly needed both of his hands. He let go of me and I stepped back in horror at what Sauli had done. He basically just signed his death certificate. Eber turned swiftly and clobbered Sauli in the side of the head. Sauli yelled out in pain as he was thrown to the ground.  That was the hardest hit I’ve ever seen Eber make.

“You little bastard, I’ll kill you!” Eber screamed at Sauli as he pulled out his handgun and aimed.

“NO!” I charged at Eber, slamming myself into his gut. Eber dropped the gun and stumbled a few feet away from an unconscious Sauli.

I marched over to Eber and swung my fist at him, but he was too fast and trained for this. He grabbed my hand mid-swing and jerked me forward to meet his clenched fist hard. I gagged as his hand dug into my stomach. With a grunt, and still holding my knuckles in his hand, Eber twisted my arm back. I screamed out in pain and sank to my knees. It was going to break, I just knew it. But Eber reached into his pocket with his other meaty hand and pulled out a pair of _three-way_ handcuffs. My eyes widened through the screaming pain in my arm. Without giving me a chance to react, Eber locked the cuff around my agonized wrist. He let go of my arm and I gasped out in relief. I was so focused on my limp arm’s condition that I didn’t notice Eber move behind me. My focus slapped back when Eber suddenly had both of my arms in a twisting death grip behind my back. I cried out in pain, unable to fight back. Eber locked my wrists together and let go. _Oh shit_. I was on my knees, cuffed, and at his mercy. So this is how I die?

“You didn’t think I’d escape from those idiots without taking a few prizes?” Eber smirked.

I scrambled up to my feet and struggled against my locked wrists. The metal was digging into my skin; the bastard locked them way too tight. I was screwed worse off than before if I didn’t even have the use of my fucking hands now.

“Fuck you,” I spat at Eber.

I peered over worriedly at Sauli who was still lying unconscious on the ground. Eber took the opportunity to grab a fistful of my hair and jerk me over to the wall, smashing my head into the hard drywall. I hissed out from the impact, suddenly feeling dizzy. Through my slightly blurred vision, I looked back at the spot Sauli _had_ been. He was gone. I breathed a mental sigh of relief. It didn’t matter where he was, as long as he was _not here._ At least he finally escaped mostly unscathed. But my nightmare was still here, and I couldn’t escape. That’s alright though, I was now welcoming death as long as Sauli was gone, safe somewhere. I’d done my job.

Eber took the third ring of the handcuffs and locked it onto a loop of a wall sculpture we had that was bolted permanently into the wall. I didn’t even fight him back. I was so done. It’s not like I could try to fight anyway. I was a ragdoll right now. Let him kill me. Once I was secured to the wall, Eber picked up his gun from the floor and wrapped his fingers around my neck in a death grip. He tilted my head back a bit as he pressed the tip of the gun to my lips. I could smell the cool metal. He forced the shaft of the gun into my mouth. I gagged from the taste.

“Why don’t you suck on this instead, you filthy cunt,” Eber mocked.

I started shaking as he cocked the gun. Sauli, I love you…

Out of nowhere, I watched as Eber flew and crashed to the ground with a loud grunt of surprise when a sudden large streak tackled him, ripping the gun out of my mouth. I looked over and down in shock at the smaller body on top of him. Where the fuck did he come from?!

“Sauli, _don’t!”_ I yelled as the huge body and the much smaller body started wrestling and assaulting each other for the gun.

My heart was threatening to leap out of my chest and my face was going to freeze with this terrified expression I had plastered on. My eyes flickered between the mass of tangled bodies. I didn’t know who was winning because I was at a terrible angle. I could hear the grunts of effort and the cries of pain.

I was about to scream pointlessly at Sauli again when I realized he had no choice but to fight now. Even if he were to run, Eber had his gun and would chase after him while I was stuck uselessly to a fucking wall. I struggled against the handcuffs, desperately trying to break free.

I flinched when I heard a deafening gunshot. My breath hitched in my throat and my heart stopped. I froze, staring at the two bodies, waiting for someone to move. After a moment, I heard a grunt under Eber’s huge body and words could not express my relief when Sauli started to pull himself from underneath Eber. He struggled beneath the massive, limp weight, but I was so insanely relieved that I felt nauseous. He did it… Sauli just _killed_ my father. He just killed a man… for _my_ sake. Sauli finally broke free and immediately went to Eber’s pocket.

I scanned Sauli from head to toe and wanted to cry from his condition. He looked like how I used to look. He was panting and coughing in between breaths, he had purple bruises decorating his face and arms. His own blood trickled down his lip and stained his clothes.

Sauli pulled out a key from Eber’s pocket and then _limped_ over to me. I wanted so badly to scream at him _and_ hold onto him forever, but he just saved my life and I was still not able to move properly. Sauli stood in front of me and stared into my eyes as he panted. After a few seconds, realizing that Sauli was seriously alive and not in risk anymore, I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a dry sob. I felt Sauli’s arms wrap around my neck tightly as he hugged me to him. I buried my head into the crook of his neck, unable to hold him. I inhaled his scent and cherished it, the sweet smell of life. Sauli pulled away as we heard police sirens approaching in the distance.

“How hurt are you?” I asked, visibly shaken and worried.

Sauli looked over at Eber’s body and back at me with a soft smile. “I’ll live.”

I shook my head in disbelief at him, conflicted by his actions. “You fucking idiot… thank you,” I mumbled.

“I couldn’t let him…” Sauli trailed off. “How could you think I’d let you sacrifice yourself for _me?_ Have you learned nothing? I constantly have to save _your_ ass.” He smiled.

I had no clue how he was able to joke in a situation like this. I still felt like throwing up.

Sauli proceeded to take the key to my handcuffs. He managed to release one wrist and I welcomed the rush of blood flow back to my hand.

“I love you,” I said to Sauli, gaining his attention again, “ _so_ much.”

Sauli stopped and faced me with a grin on his face, forgetting my second wrist. “I know.”

I rolled my eyes at him and wrapped my free arm around his waist as he placed his palms on my chest.

An ear-splitting _bang_ shot off in the room. I heard Sauli grunt as I flinched and jerked my head over to Eber who was _alive???_ He was lying on his stomach, holding the smoking gun up shakily toward me, before collapsing once and for all. But why wasn’t I in agony? He _did_ shoot…

I felt Sauli’s hands start to shake on my chest. My head whipped over to the man standing in front of me. Sauli’s eyes were as wide as could be and he stared at me with a glassy and stunned expression. Sauli clung onto my shirt as if for support. What’s wrong with him? I watched in confusion as a drop of fresh blood landed on his shoulder from his head. I could see the light from his eyes fading.

Time stopped for me. I felt my entire existence come to a halt.

_“SAULI!”_ I yelled as his eyes closed and he crumbled. I tried to hold him up with the arm that was still wrapped around him, but I had zero strength after Eber twisted it to the point of near breakage. My arm gave away and Sauli collapsed to the floor with a thud right in front of me. He lay limp and immobile.

I couldn’t register what had just happened. I stared at Sauli in utter shock and waited for him to move. But when I saw the blood starting to pool around his head and stain the floor, it finally sunk in. I gasped and choked on it.

No.

_No._

_NO!_

I started shaking. This couldn’t be happening. But it was.

I screamed and thrashed at the handcuff restraining me. I sobbed violently, wanting to destroy everything, including myself. I could hear the police sirens cut off and footsteps rushing to the house. I couldn’t even see the police entering the house through my tears.

He couldn’t be dead. He _couldn’t._ I refused to accept it, but he was just lying there bleeding… A few more destroyed sobs ripped their way out of my throat.

The police were immediately surrounding Eber and Sauli, examining them both. They blocked my view of Sauli, and I was appalled at not being able to see him for even a second. I jerked violently at the handcuff as I screamed and bawled, literally trying to sever my wrist off just so I could get to Sauli. They moved his immobile body onto a stretcher and dragged him across the room. Don’t take him away from me, _fuck_! I couldn’t stop crying miserably. I pulled and again and kicked at the wall. I could feel a sharp sting as my wrist starting to bleed from the force.

“LET ME DOWN!” I screamed, and then flailed about in the bloodying handcuff to prove my point. I was horrified that they were just letting me stand here helplessly while Sauli…

I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. Everyone was talking at once, but I couldn’t focus on anything else but Sauli. Some officer was next to me with his hands up, trying to calm me down, but I was _suffering_ and couldn’t take that from anyone, so I just screamed at him and tried to punch him with my free hand through my tears, demanding painfully at him to let me go. After finally realizing that I was about to _die_ from the stress I was inflicting on myself, the officer obliged and went over to Sauli and pried the key out of his hand. I winced at how forceful he was. He then took his sweet time coming back over to me.

It seemed to take him forever to undo the lock, but when he did, I bolted. I shoved people out of the way trying to get to Sauli. I landed hard on my knees next to him and gasped when I saw the huge, bloody wound on the side of his head. _The bastard shot him in the head._ The paramedics immediately backed off, giving me space with Sauli. I guessed my energy told them I would rip their heads off if they came near us. I cried so hard and hysterically that I was gagging. This couldn’t be happening.

“ _Oh my god_ , Sauli, I’m sorry!” I bawled and trembled violently.

He said nothing. No one said anything.

“Please, _please_ , _PLEASE!”_ I begged Sauli as I took his hand. I could feel his temperature fall. I let out a few broken sobs, choking desperately on every one of them. “Don’t do this!”

Sauli didn’t move. He didn’t even twitch. I was going ballistic. I could hear the paramedics start to try to calm me down, asking me to let them help him, but seriously? I was hyperventilating and my vision was getting fuzzy from how distraught I was.

Without giving a shit about anyone other than Sauli in the room, I pressed my trembling lips hard against his, mumbling _I love you’s_ against them, trying to get some sort of reaction from him.

Nothing.

Even his lips were cold.

I let out a strangled cry. He couldn’t do this. We were supposed to be escape and be together.

“I love you so much,” I cried brokenheartedly into his ear. “ _Please don’t leave me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe. x) don't kill me. I can't update if you kill me.


	49. Fate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS. Here's 8,347 words as your present! Sorry for the wait, and as always, I hope you enjoy!

Adam:

I sat stiffly in the waiting room for _hours._ I was still trembling and felt like I was in a permanent state of nausea from being so stressed and worried.

The hospital smelled like sanitizer and _death._ That didn’t help my grief in the slightest.

Hours ago, I’d been pulled off of Sauli’s limp body. I’d struggled against and screamed at the paramedics in anguish to let me go. But then they’d told me that Sauli’s only chance for survival was if I’d calm down and let them try to save him; I’d instantly stopped all panicking.

They’d even tried to examine me, but I’d insisted I was fine and shamelessly demanded that they help Sauli. Once they’d found a faint pulse, they’d rushed us to the ambulance and let me ride with Sauli in the back.

They’d taken the corpse of Eber to a different place, afraid I’d rip him apart in my fury. Good idea.

I’d blubbered the entire way here, only to be separated from Sauli once we arrived. It’d taken everything in my power to let them frantically roll Sauli down the halls in the stretcher without me. Endless hours later, I was still sitting here on a metal chair with my head in my hands and no hope.

No one had come out to talk to me. I had no clue if Sauli was even alive right now. Even though there was a chance they’d saved him, I was just mentally drained, dead, and gone. All meaning was completely obliterated. I felt like I was going to sit here until I physically withered away as well.

I’d failed in keeping Sauli away from Eber. From the very fucking beginning I knew something like this would happen, and yet, I was completely unprepared for just how badly everything ended up. It was worse than I’d ever imagined. What was impossible to ignore was the gutted, empty feeling I was sporting now. I never thought humans were capable of suffering this hollow feeling. How did anyone survive it?

 _Why him? Why not me?_ That’s all that ran through my head. Eber had been aiming for _me,_ so why…? _My_ fate was supposed to be death… not Sauli’s. It wasn’t fucking fair. I was sitting here, in near perfect physical condition while Sauli was probably…

Just the thought of that made me want to bleach my brain.

I held back a dry sob. I couldn’t cry right now. What was the point? Especially with all these other families waiting around me for their good news, I couldn’t be so weak. Not now.

“Mr. Lambert?” I heard a voice call out.

I looked up from my hands to see a tall man in white holding a clipboard and scanning the waiting room. He had a full head of dark hair and small, square glasses perched on his nose. I guessed that was Sauli’s doctor?

I felt my heart sink and a small lump form in my throat.

Taking a deep breath, I stood up mechanically and walked over to him.

Before I even reached him, I shakily said, “I need to see him.”

The doctor’s tired, brown eyes gave me an once-over. He sighed, looking at his clipboard.

He spoke quietly, “I need to talk to you first. Typically, there’s good news…” My heart lurched. “...and there’s bad news.” My stomach flipped.

The doctor opened his mouth to speak again, but broke off when he looked over my shoulder. I followed his gaze to see _everyone_ in the waiting room staring up at us. Out of habit, I immediately sent a death glare at the room. A young girl started crying. Little bitch. Mind your own goddamn business, people.

“Let’s talk somewhere else,” the doctor muttered, and he led me to a small room.

We sat down across from each other and I just stared at the doctor quietly, waiting for him to break the silence and say _something._ I noticed his nametag read “Sam Farris”.

“Do you want the good news first?” Dr. Farris finally asked. I nodded once, feeling myself tense up. He went on, “Mr. Koskinen _is_ alive.”

Relief washed over me.

“But barely.”

And the relief was slapped away.

I furrowed my brow at him, feeling my heart start to beat faster. “W-What do you mean? Is that the bad news?” I asked nervously.

The doctor ran his hand through his hair and let out a deep breath of air. He looked reluctant to tell me whatever he needed to.

“No… that’s the _good_ news. If you want to know his condition and the _bad_ news…” The doctor spoke in a strictly professional voice like he’d done this many times. “The bullet fractured part of his skull and just grazed the backside of his brain. We were able to stop the bleeding from his brain, and even then, he went into cardiac arrest _twice,_ meaning his heart stopped. We’ve just managed to finally stabilize him. All things considered, he’s been pretty lucky so far… even though the odds still aren’t anywhere near good.”

The huge lump in my throat felt as if it was choking me. The doctor’s face remained smooth and calm. I just… I felt gutted.

“Can I _please_ see him?” I asked quietly after a minute of trying to wrap my brain around all of this.

The doctor solemnly agreed and guided me down the many white halls to Sauli’s room. Next to the door was a big window, and through it, I saw medical equipment, and lots of it. The doctor opened the door for me and I shuffled in anxiously.

I died when I saw Sauli. He was lying completely still on the hospital bed, wrapped in bandages. He had wires sticking out from every body part as he was hooked up to various machines.

I felt my knees shake as I walked over to Sauli’s bedside, disbelieving of his condition. I could hear and see Sauli’s heart rate on the monitor; it was slow, but steady. I stared down at Sauli’s impossibly fragile-looking body in shock and anguish. I felt faint. I scanned him up and down many times, and found myself feeling more nauseous by the second.

Saul’s eyes were closed and relaxed, so at least he didn’t seem to be in pain. I felt my hands quiver at the sight of the blood-soaked bandages wrapped around his head. I noted the bandages around Sauli’s arm as well; they’d finally given him stitches for his gaping cut.

“Sauli…?” I called out quietly to him, hoping he’d open his eyes and look at me. I badly needed that slight glimpse of hope.

Nothing happened.

I _desperately_ wanted to touch him, but I forced myself to resist because I was afraid I’d disrupt one of the machines or tug out a wire. I let out a shaky breath. I was so close to him, but so far. It was killing me.

“He won’t respond to you,” I heard Dr. Farris say from the doorway.

What the hell did he mean?

I reluctantly turned away from Sauli to give the doctor a confused look. Dr. Farris walked over next to me and simply said, “He’s suffered a traumatic brain injury.” I raised an eyebrow.

The doctor placed his hand on my shoulder. “I think you’re going to need to sit down; there’s more bad news.”

I obliged and pulled a chair next to the bedside. I kept my eyes fixated on Sauli as I sat down and the doctor began to speak, “He’s indeed gone into a coma.”

And there it was. The worst thing next to death. I felt my world spiral down.

I didn’t dare peel my eyes off of Sauli’s peaceful and relaxed face though; it was the only thing keeping me from breaking down right now.

Dr. Farris continued, “But to what extent… we don’t know yet. He’s not dead. He does have a chance of waking up. It’s slim, but it’s there.”

I stared at Sauli determinedly. “It’s still a chance,” I all but croaked out.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but…” I heard the doctor sigh.

I stiffened. There was _more?_ How much more could my heart suffer?

 “Even _if_ Mr. Koskinen wakes up, he may very well suffer permanent damage. The bullet did hit his brain, which can mean numerous problems. He may need something simple as speech therapy, or… he may end up needing to relearn how to do everything, even something as basic as eating. The worst case scenario would be that he becomes, as we like to call it, a vegetable. He would spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair and need someone behind that chair at every second of the day to take care of him.”

Sauli’s figure had become blurry through the tears welling up in my eyes. I was sitting here in silent agony. Even my worst nightmares were never this merciless.

Then Dr. Farris quietly said, “There’s also a chance he won’t remember anything. Not even you.”

I felt the tears overflow and splatter onto my hands folded on my lap. I felt like I was being savagely murdered, ripped to shreds, and then resurrected just to be killed again and again.

I stared at Sauli’s still, beautiful figure on the bed, listening carefully to the pattern of his heartbeat from the monitor. The beating was slow and steady, but sure… My love was still alive and that was the only crucial detail for me.

It didn’t take long for me to decide what was truly important.

 “It doesn’t matter…” I said plainly, glancing at the doctor with a fixed expression. “I don’t care what state he’s in or if he… _remembers_ me. None of it matters. I just need him to wake up.” I looked back at Sauli with a softer expression. “I’ll take care of him no matter what.”

“Well, there’s not much we can do now but wait and see what happens. I offer you my deepest sympathies,” Dr. Farris mumbled, patting my shoulder.

I fought the urge to slap his hand away. I still didn’t like people touching me.

I wanted to crawl up into a ball and die.

“Can I have a moment alone with him?” I asked quietly, staring sadly at my love.

I heard the doctor mutter some sort of agreement before he exited the room, shooing away the nurses that were about to come in. I heard someone pull the curtains of the window next to the door closed before their footsteps faded. I heard the door quietly click shut.

I was left alone in silence with only the beeping of Sauli’s heart monitor to keep me company. After a blank minute, a sob escaped my throat. I reached out to hold Sauli’s hand, but it was attached to wires and tubes. I yearned to hold him in my arms, but I couldn’t. All I could do is stroke some visible skin on his cold arm gently as I spoke to him. 

“Baby…” I murmured. “I’m _so_ sorry.” I let out another sob and wiped away the wetness on my tear-stricken face. I begged him, “Please, Sauli... Hold on for me. I’m here for you.”

I heard Sauli’s beeping monitor skip a beat.

Through my tears and sniffles, I hummed softly to him, mostly to comfort myself. Hums soon turned into a melody, which turned into lyrics.

“ _Just keep holding my hand…”_ I murmured sadly as I stroked his arm with my fingertip.

My guilty thoughts kept creeping in between lyrics, making me hate myself more.

“ _...as we’re taking off, I know where we’ll land…”_ I half-whispered, half-sang.

I remembered how badly Sauli had wanted to run off with me. Too bad we’d never get the chance now. We'd been almost free, but then things took a turn for the worst.

“ _We can escape to a higher plane… In Nirvana…stay… where the dreamers lay…”_ I breathed melodically to Sauli.

I had sworn to protect my lover and failed. None of this would have happened if it weren’t for me.

“ _I’ll lay you down… lay you down…safe…”_ I cut off, suddenly startled by the faster beeping of Sauli’s heart monitor.

His heart rate actually went up as I was singing.

My own heart broke.

I smiled sadly at my baby.

“You can hear me?” I asked and almost started crying again through my smile. “You can hear me…”

I wanted so damn badly to lean over and kiss his arm at the very least, but I couldn’t risk fucking up what was keeping him alive.

“You know that I _love_ you more than my own life… Mine means nothing if you’re not in it, so _please,_ be strong and wake up. Fight for it…”

After a few moments, Sauli’s heart rate went back to a slow, steady beat.

I heard the door open after a couple knocks. I glanced over to see a pretty, blonde nurse walk in and smile at me.

“Visiting hours are over,” the nurse said gently.

It took me a moment as I was frozen to the chair, but I finally forced myself to stand up.

I couldn’t take it anymore; I leaned over and pressed a long, chaste kiss against Sauli’s forehead. It was music to my ears when I heard his heart monitor beep faster again. My baby… he could feel me.

“Wow!” I heard the nurse exclaim as she suddenly appeared right next to me and gaped down at Sauli with her bright green eyes. I straightened up and looked at her, confused. She noticed my expression and explained, “We’ve been trying to get some sort of response out of him for hours and _nothing_.” She looked at me excitedly. “Can you do it again?”

I couldn’t help but give the nurse a slight smile. Her energy was incredible.

I gladly took the opportunity to kiss Sauli again. I nodded at the nurse and then leaned down toward Sauli’s still face, careful not to brush against any of the equipment. I licked my lips and kissed Sauli closer to the mouth. When my slightly moist lips pressed gently against his cheek, Sauli’s beeping monitor jumped slightly again and I smiled, pulling away after a moment of lingering.

The nurse huffed in surprise and placed her hands on her hips, raising her eyebrows at me with a cheerful grin. “It’s _that_ easy for you? He certainly seems to recognize your touch…” My heart glowed at that. My love knew I was here. “And if you don’t mind me asking, what was your relationship to him?”

I winced slightly at her reference to Sauli in the past tense… like he’s dead. He’s still alive and he’s still _mine._ I decided not to comment on it though.

“He _is_ my boyfriend,” I said surely, slight emphasis on the second word, of course.

I was a little bit shocked at myself for saying that so openly to her. Maybe it was her energy, I don’t know. But something about her made it very easy for me to just tell her where our relationship was at without a worry or doubt.

And my heart still lurched whenever I said “boyfriend” because I still had trouble comprehending that impossible term. I thought that word would never, in any shape or form, be attached to my name.

As I thought, the nurse just beamed back at me. “Well,” she said, “having you around might just be a very good thing for him.

I turned back to look at Sauli and smile, but then a frown washed over my expression again, realizing the nurse was technically here to kick me out. I had to leave… I also realized that I physically and mentally _couldn’t_ leave him.

I looked back at the nurse with my dismayed expression and her brow immediately furrowed in concern. “Are you alright?” she asked.

I sighed and swallowed a lump in my throat. “I can’t stay the night?”

The nurse pursed her lip and told me she’d check. She left for a few minutes. I waited anxiously for her, staring at Sauli. She finally returned with another bright smile. When she gave me the thumbs up on staying the night, I felt relieved. I couldn’t imagine having to prance out of here and go home.

I thanked her multiple times and asked for her name.

“Jackie,” nurse Jackie replied. “Call for me if you ever need anything.”

I thanked her again and we said our goodbyes. Then, I was finally alone with Sauli and his soothing heartbeat again. I took my seat next to Sauli and immediately noticed the drop in atmosphere now that Jackie had left.

I stared at Sauli, a million thoughts racing through my head as the tears just didn’t want to stop. I cried softly, resting my head in my arms on the edge of Sauli’s mattress. I managed to sing a broken lullaby for him.

“… _I just wanna be with you, ‘cause living is so hard to do when all I know is trapped inside your eyes…”_ I sang quietly, barely audible. “ _A future I cannot forget…”_ A river of tears kept streaming down my face endlessly. “ _This aching heart ain’t broken yet…”_

I didn’t sing for very long. My exhaustion kicked in and I drifted off.

***

Two weeks… That’s how long I’d practically lived at the hospital for.

I’d stayed every single night. I was growing more miserable every day because Dr. Farris had told me that Sauli was supposed to wake up by now since his coma wasn’t too severe, but no, he hadn’t shown _any_ progress. I still had unhealthy hope, but it was slowly deteriorating me. Nurse Jackie always had to force me to get up, leave Sauli’s room, and eat in the hospital cafeteria with her. I didn’t want to do anything but stare at him and mope.

Jackie became a small source of light for me, and we’d become almost friends. By almost, I meant that I wanted nothing to do with any of the people here, but just like Sauli, she kept pushing and consistently badgering me to join her and eat. She even resembled Sauli with her blonde hair and bright, glowing smile. So, naturally, she became the only person here that I grew fond of. She could get me to smile… slightly… sometimes... She was only two years older than me, and according to her, nursing had been her dream her entire life, which I didn’t understand _why._ I mean, who would want a job where the atmosphere is grim and people die around you every day? She told me she just loved people when I’d asked her. I’d frowned at that, still not understanding.

But even Jackie couldn’t hold together the dying mass that was slowly breaking apart, otherwise known as _me._

I missed him. I missed Sauli more than I would ever miss air. Every day was the same. I would sit and sing to him, or stare at him for hours on end. I missed Sauli’s calming voice and laugh, I missed his gentle, loving touch, I missed his irritatingly happy smile, I missed his passionate kisses, and I missed his warm, soulful, blue eyes… I missed _everything_ about him.

_But he wasn’t gone._

I had to constantly remind myself that he was still _alive,_ and that was the only thing that kept me from curling up into a corner and letting myself slowly die a painful and miserable death.

At least his heart rate still went up whenever I touched him. But even that was actually becoming frustrating because it was the _only_ response he’d give me; we needed more than that.

Speaking of frustrating, Sauli’s parents had disowned him completely a week ago. Nurse Jackie had told me that when the hospital called his parents, they'd refused to come here, or to pay any expenses, or have any further contact with their son. They wanted absolutely nothing to do with Sauli, and they’re allowed to since he’s an adult now and was responsible for himself.

It made my fucking blood boil.

I’d nearly tore out of the hospital to go murder his parents when I’d found out, but I couldn’t leave Sauli. They might as well consider him an orphan now. My poor baby was going to be crushed if— _when_ he woke up.

Jackie told me I was allowed to be their main contact for Sauli since I was literally the only one here for him and of legal age. She also muttered something about being his family member, but I couldn’t catch what she said.

***

Six. Fucking. Weeks. Later.

I’d been living at this hospital for a total of _two months._

I was going insane with worry. I’d forgotten about my own self. I was rotting away at Sauli’s bedside. I hadn’t seen daylight or the outside world ever since I was brought here.

He still hadn’t woken up. He showed no sign of getting better.

Hope… there was none of that anymore. I’d all but given up, but I couldn’t tear myself away from Sauli because _what if._ The sound of Sauli’s heartbeat on the monitor had become addictive. I needed it. It was my only reassurance that Sauli was still alive. Somewhere in that cold, immobile body was my beautiful lover. That heartbeat was more important to me than food or sleep, and it was starting to take its toll.

Jackie quite literally had to force me to _move_ because otherwise, I wouldn’t take care of myself alone. She’d given up trying to take me to the cafeteria, and now she would occasionally sneak me some food, which I rarely ate.

I was well aware that I was killing myself like this. I’d caught glimpses of myself in the bathroom mirrors. I knew I looked _sick._ I was thinner and paler, my cheeks had sunken in slightly, but enough for me to notice. The biggest difference, and even Jackie was concerned about this, was my eyes. The old, grey dullness had nestled in and replaced what used to be blue because of Sauli. No brightness, no light, no hope.

I barely talked to anyone. I kept mostly to myself. I could feel myself reverting back to how I used to be. I couldn’t stand walking in the hospital halls or going to the cafeteria where people were _smiling._ It was another reason why I stayed mostly at Sauli’s side in my depressed state.

The only differences between how I was now and how I used to be were that I wasn’t constantly being abused to near death… and I wasn’t cutting myself. I couldn’t. I’d thought about it a few times, but… Sauli had left this permanent mark on me mentally. I felt like I’d be betraying him if I marred my skin again. I could imagine the dismayed look on his face if he saw fresh cuts all over my arms… I loved him too much to hurt _him_ like that… I _wouldn’t._

As normal, I sat down next to Sauli and examined his still body, looking for any signs of improvement. They had removed the bandages on Sauli’s arm and most of the weird-ass wires and equipment hooked up to him, so I wasn’t afraid to touch him anymore. I already knew it wouldn’t even make a difference…

I took one long look at Sauli’s arm and then pulled up my sleeves to glare at my battered arms. Never again, I promised myself. No matter what happens.

I then reached out with one finger and stroked the long, jagged, sewn scar on Sauli’s arm where he’d cut himself too deeply. I sighed sadly. It was my fault.

I took Sauli’s hand in mine and held it tight. His fingers stayed limp.

“I’m so sorry for doing this to you… All of this.” I said gently to my lover. “If I had just ignored you since you first talked to me like _I’d known I should’ve,_ none of this would have ever happened. Sure, we wouldn’t have experienced any of the wonderful things, but they aren’t worth this… Nothing could ever be worth more than your life… If I’d never met you, I’d probably be dead by now, but at least you’d still be alive and full of vitality… and not like this… I should have stayed away from you from the moment I saw you, but I didn’t. I gave into my own temptations and now look at where we are… The worst possibility _happened.”_

I stroked the back of Sauli’s hand with my thumb. “What upsets me is that if you were to wake up right now, you’d still lie to yourself and tell me you regret nothing…”

I brought Sauli’s knuckles to my lips and kissed them gently. “I love you more than I ever thought possible, but… _we should have never happened.”_

Tears streamed out of my eyes and rolled down Sauli’s knuckles. I heard his heart monitor jump slightly, which only made me break down and cry harder.

***

A week later, after I’d managed to recollect myself again, Sauli’s doctor stepped into the doorway with a solemn expression on his face. He took one look at Sauli and frowned, before turning to me.

“Can you join me outside?” Dr. Farris asked me quietly.

Not knowing what to expect, I nodded cautiously and stood up. I glanced at Sauli with a longing look in my eyes and stroked his arm once before joining the doctor outside of the room. He shut the door gently and gave me a serious look, ready to cut to the chase.

“I think… you should let him go,” he said slowly.

My stomach flipped and my eyes widened at the suggestion, knowing exactly to what he was referring.

“ _No,”_ I replied sternly, appalled he even brought up such a thing. “He can hear me and feel me. He responds. He’s still _alive.”_

Dr. Farris sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously expecting this hostile reaction from me. “Look…” He pointed at Sauli through the window. I refused to budge. I stayed put and glared at him. “His coma isn’t hopelessly deep since he can hear and feel, and because of that, he _should_ have woken up by now or at least shown some kind of improvement, which he hasn’t, and you know it. He seems to be completely stuck in this state.”

I stared hard at his shoes, feeling my eyes sting.

“Mr. Lambert,” the doctor muttered, trying to get me to look up. I still refused. “He’s not going to wake up. There’s really no hope left, and this is cruel.”

Cruel? I looked up at the doctor with furrowed brows.

Dr. Farris went on, glad he caught my eye, “We have an overload of critical patients that desperately need this room. Patients that can be _saved,_ Mr. Lambert, and we’re taking that away from them because we’re trying to hold onto this one… even though there’s really no point. He’s not going to wake up… It’s his time to go and yet, we’re using technology to force him to stay alive, and for what?”

I could feel traitor tears run down my face.

“And it’s up to you to decide,” Dr. Farris said, and my breathing became labored. “We’ve asked his parents and unfortunately, they told us to do whatever we want. I won’t force you, but I do believe it’s what’s best for him and the other dying patients. Take him out of this frozen misery and into peace… He wouldn’t be the same if he woke up anyway. I know you don’t care what state he’d be in as long as he wakes up, but think about _him..._ Do you really think he would want to spend the rest of his life in a chair? Just to watch other people live their lives? It’s beyond depressing. You know that’s not fair to him.”

I held back a small sob, trying to not break down in front of him.

I knew he was right.

I finally looked at Sauli through the window and felt my heart break. What was I doing to him…?

I was being selfish _again._ And now it was clicking. I felt like smashing something. At first, I'd doing a good thing, being by Sauli’s side and keeping him alive, but I’d been dragging this out for too long now. I was keeping Sauli’s heartbeat going because _I_ needed him…

I never once thought about how he would feel if he woke up…

And he’s not going to.

I knew that if I were to be paralyzed for the rest of my life, I’d rather they kill me off than to force me to live in my own frozen shell. But I’d been willing to do that to Sauli… because at least he’d be alive for _me._

I felt like a monster.

Trying to hold in my anguish, I asked through clenched teeth, “Can I have a moment with him to think about it?”

“Take all the time you need.” Dr. Farris gave me a smile intending to reassure me and opened the door.

I walked in and heard the shut the door behind me. I went over to the curtains on the window and pulled them shut. I made my way over to Sauli and cupped his cheek gently, gazing miserably at him.

“If you could talk, would you have asked me to let you go once and for all…?” I mumbled sadly, stroking his lips with my thumb.

Most likely.

“…And would I have refused…?” I whispered.

Yes.

I would have refused his wish because I couldn’t let him go.

I glanced at Sauli’s life support and broke down. I sank down dejectedly into the chair by Sauli’s bedside, burying my face in my hands and sobbing.

“You’re not supposed to be with me,” I realized through broken breaths. “This was fate. From the very start of _us_ , we kept being separated, but I kept insisting I wanted to be with you and refused to lose you… I guess this is fate’s last, impatient, desperate attempt to keep me away from you… And I need to let it happen this time, don’t I? It doesn’t matter how badly it’ll break me. For _once_ , I need to think of you and you _only_. I have to let you go, so you can be at peace… But… it’s just so _hard_ for me.” I bawled quietly into my hands. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

I wiped away my tears with my sleeve and held onto Sauli’s hand gently. I could feel his pulse underneath his skin along with the beeping… Both were taunting me. After a few minutes of that torture, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed a distraction from Sauli’s haunting heartbeat.

“ _Guess it was not meant to be,”_ I sang quietly, trying to tune out the beeping.

Sauli always seemed to like it when I sang to him, so why not this one last time?

“ _But it’s not as bad as it seems… It only burns when I breathe.”_ I broke off, not able to hold in a sob.

I squeezed Sauli’s hand a little tighter, wishing he could do the same. “ _You saw the way that I fell, but I’m better off by myself… That’s the tale I like to tell,”_ I croaked through my tears.

I’d been wrong my whole life. I’d thought being alone was the only way I could function, but being with Sauli… It’d been beautiful. I’d ended up devoting myself to him, opening up to him, and just being _free_ with him. He was the one person that made me yearn for a soul mate, and even then I’d lied to myself and said I didn’t need him. Boy, was I wrong…

But with all the beauty that had come with Sauli, also came the darkest times and war of my life. We’d constantly had to hide and run from everybody.

“ _It feels like the dawn of the dead, like bombs going off in my head. Never a moment of rest…”_ I let out a shaky sigh of gloom.

I’d thought we could endure the backlash against us and then escape like planned but… that can never happen now. I was about to be on my own again. I couldn’t imagine life without Sauli because the only time I’d thought and fantasized about a full life, he’d been in it. Before him, I’d only seen a fast approaching death for myself.

“ _Nothing kills more than to know that this is the end of the road, and I know I gotta let go...”_ I choked miserably on a sob, realizing that I was actually going to lose him forever.

I couldn’t accept it.

I stood up in frustration so fast and angrily that I knocked over the chair. “ _But it’s not that easy for me to say goodbye!”_ I belted devastatingly, slamming my fist down to the space on the bed right next to Sauli’s head. “ _And everything in me wants you back in my life!”_

I could hear Sauli’s heart rate speed up again. I shoved myself off the bed in frustration with a groan and kicked the fallen chair, sending it sliding across the tiles and slamming into the wall. At some point, singing was forgotten. I whipped back around in Sauli’s direction and let out a strangled cry.

“I CAN’T LET YOU GO!” I yelled, the words ripping out of my throat in anguish.

I fell to my knees hard, hanging on to the edge of Sauli’s bed with my hands. I cried convulsively for a long time.

But I had to let him go… for his sake.

After a few minutes, I heard the door open, followed by a timid voice, “Um… Mr. Lambert?”

I recognized the doctor’s voice. I didn’t bother getting off the floor or looking at him. I just stared down at the little puddle of tears I’d left on the tiles. My hands still gripped the metal rod on the edge of Sauli’s stretcher bed.

“We still need your consent to take Mr. Koskinen off life support…”

My hands tightened on the metal rod. I couldn’t find it in me to breathe. It was up to me to let my lover live in either a comatose or vegetative state, or let him be free…

I stayed silent for a minute. I couldn’t believe what I was about to say. But it needed to be done. My feelings didn’t matter here. My life didn’t matter here. This was for Sauli.

“…You,” I said to the floor, “have my… _permission.”_ I choked out the last word from the very core of my self-restraint.

I squeezed my eyes shut and felt my body began to shake.

I heard Dr. Farris sigh before he said, “I’m so sorry for this loss. We’ll need a day or two to get everything ready and then…” He didn’t finish. I just heard footsteps and then the door shut quietly, leaving me all alone with my love.

Devastated. That’s all that could describe how I felt about what I’d just done.

I gave a man my consent to basically kill my love.

But it was the right thing to do, my feelings and wants aside. I never thought I had it in me to even consider the idea of taking Sauli off of life support.

It may have been the right thing to do for various reasons, but that still could never appease the agony I felt right now.

I just lost Sauli.

I lost my lover; I was letting him go.

From the ground, I listened to the slow and steady beeping of Sauli’s heart coming from the monitor.

The sound that had given me a slim hope was going to be silenced forever because of me.

Heartbroken, I pulled myself to my feet using the edge of Sauli’s bed. With struggled breaths, I forced myself to look at Sauli’s beautiful face once more, trying to permanently engrave it into my brain, but….

Disturbing images of his rotting corpse kept intruding into my head.

“ _Sauli,”_ I bawled miserably, leaning down and burying my head on his chest.

 I took Sauli’s limp hand in mine and kept my head resting on his chest. My entire torso was hoveringly draped over him. This was the closest I could get to holding him without actually climbing into the bed myself and hurting him. I took a deep breath, relishing in his familiar and homey scent.

“I’m so _sorry,”_ I mumbled dreadfully into his chest. “I hope this is what you would’ve wanted me to. I love you too much to let you suffer because of me.”

I could feel my tears soaking Sauli’s shirt. I sniffled, trying to force myself to suck it up and stop blubbering.

Too bad it literally took hours.

And I only stopped because I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up with sore, crusty eyes, and my cheek was stuck to Sauli’s shirt. I yawned into his chest and then pushed myself upright once more. My back cracked from being bent over like that for hours. How the hell had I managed to fall asleep in that position?

My head slowly cleared and I recalled everything that had happened earlier. I sighed deeply, gazing down at Sauli’s face, stroking the back of his hand that I’d subconsciously refused to let go of the entire time I'd been asleep.

I wished I could run my fingers through his silky locks of hair, but his head was the only thing still firmly wrapped up with fresh bandages. He was just lying there so peacefully… He looked like he was sleeping normally and I could shake him gently to get him to wake up right away. The only thing that gave away that Sauli was in a much more horrific state than sleep was the life support attached to him… which wouldn’t be there for much longer.

I squeezed Sauli’s hand, one-sidedly interlocking my fingers with his. I leaned down, carefully avoiding the tubes going up his nose, and pressed my lips gently against his soft ones for the first time in months. His lips didn’t move at all, obviously, but I heard Sauli’s heart monitor start beeping rapidly. I molded my lips around his a little less chastely, trying desperately to memorize the shape and taste because this was never going to happen again. A tear escaped my tightly shut eyes and fell onto Sauli’s cheek.

I felt a slight pressure on my hand. It disappeared as quickly as it came.

I immediately pulled away from Sauli’s face and gaped at his limp hand in mine.

I stared, shocked.

Did I just imagine that, or…?

I squeezed Sauli’s hand rhythmically for a moment, and then leaned down again in agitated curiosity. I pressed my lips against his, harder this time. The beeping of his monitor expectedly jumped. But there’d been something else that first time… Come on, Sauli… come _on!_

There!

I pulled away and gaped at our hands.

His hand had definitely twitched and tightened on mine for a second, _twice._

There was no way I’d imagined that.

I could hear my heart pounding in my head.

He had responded.

His _hand_ had moved in reaction to my kiss.

That meant he was improving.

That meant he wasn’t paralyzed.

That meant he hadn’t forgotten me.

That meant… I’d given Dr. Farris permission to kill Sauli when he was going to wake up.

I was about to frantically bolt out the door and run screaming down the halls to find the doctor, but then I heard a clamor of voices outside of the room.

That’s when Jackie burst into the room. I was to jump up and down with joy and tell her what happened, but her red, puffy eyes silenced me.

“I’m so sorry,” Jackie blurted, and her voice cracked.

I furrowed my brow in confusion and was about to ask her for what, but slammed my mouth shut when Dr. Farris and some stocky man in a suit that I’d never seen before walked into the room and stood in front of her. Both men had a grim look on their faces, but the man in the suit had a more annoyed hint to his. His eyes narrowed at me. Okay then…

Ignoring the man in the suit and remembering what happened a few minutes ago, I excitedly blurted to the doctor, “Doc, doc! He, Sauli, I mean, Mr. Koskinen, h-he, he moved, he like, twitched, when I—” I shut up, took a deep breath, and tried again, pointing at Sauli, “He responded when I,” I decided to keep out the kiss part, “touched him. His hand twitched! What’s that a sign of?!”

Dr. Farris just shook his head, “Nothing.”

Huh?

The doctor went on, “Because it didn’t happen.”

What the fuck was he talking about?

“What do you mean?” I asked frantically, getting annoyed already.

“I mean you’ve already given us permission to take him off life support. You don’t need to make up some kind of sick story because you feel guilty and want us to waste more time keeping him alive for yourself. Why else would he _miraculously_ start moving?”

I staggered back a step, actually outraged.

I seethed, “You think I’m lying?”

The doctor shrugged.

Before I could even be more flabbergasted, the man in the suit finally spoke up, completely off-topic. “What was your relationship to the patient?” he asked smoothly, looking like he already knew the answer.

Again with the past tense… but Sauli was still alive, more so now than ever during his time here.

The look on everyone’s face said that there was no point in lying. I stared at Sauli’s angelic face and mumbled to them, “He’s my boyfriend…”

“That’s what I thought,” the man in the suit huffed. “You need to leave.”

_What._

_“_ Why?” I asked with horror plastered on my face.

“This hospital does not grant same-sex couple visitation privileges,” he said simply.

 _Privileges?_ Motherfucker, it was my right to see my partner when he was _dying._

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I said loudly, frustrated.

“I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them,” he said calmly. “How come you weren’t documented and then escorted out for your status to the patient?”

I was trying not to blow a fuse here. Why was this shit important?! Sauli was improving! And no one believed me. That was what mattered!

Jackie interrupted tearfully, looking at the calm man, “I documented his information before anyone else could ask him and secretly wrote down that he’s the patient’s half-brother. I shouldn’t have had to lie because he should be able to see his partner.”

“ _Nurse,”_ Dr. Farris hissed, appalled that she did such a thing. “You could be _fired_ for that.”

I ran my hand through my hair, resisting to the urge pull on it from frustration. “Don’t you _dare_ fire her. Why does it matter _now?_ I’ve been here for months. It wouldn’t make a difference if I left now!”

“It matters. You’re breaking ground rules. We found out because _this_ ,” he pointed at a nearly sobbing Jackie in the corner, “accidently told us about your _relationship.”_

I felt my eyes sting as I turned and stared hard at the doctor.

My words felt forced, “You’re still going to _kill_ him?”

The doctor looked solemn as he said, “We are obligated to carry out _your_ request seeing how the patient has not shown signs of improvement.”

“But… but, he _has!”_ I didn’t know what else to say.

“We don’t have proof. And in all honesty, you seem delusional.”

I was speechless. I couldn’t prove it to them. Sauli wasn’t going to do it again in reaction to these people; his reactions were only to me. And it was such a slight twitch that no one would notice even if I did try to show an example.

They were going to kick me out, and then kill Sauli.

I wasn’t even going to get to say goodbye, and then I would never see him again.

I felt like vomiting.

“You can’t do this…” I croaked.

“Sir, you need to leave now,” the well-dressed man said, clearly not fazed by my dread.

“ _No,”_ I replied, voice hard.

I saw Dr. Farris sigh and he motioned at the door.

My eyes widened when two huge security guards came in.

I stared past them at the doctor in distress. He couldn’t do this…

“HE’S ABOUT TO WAKE UP AND YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM? THAT’S _MURDER,_ ” I screamed. “JUST GIVE A COUPLE MORE DAYS, FOR GOD’S SAKE!”

“Let’s go, buddy,” one of the guards muttered to me as they approached me.

Obviously, everyone in the room thought I was crazy and in denial about Sauli’s state, dismissing anything I said as part of that delusion.

I backed away as the security guards in florescent yellow vests advanced on me. My back hit a shelf as they managed to corner me. My thoughts raced, trying to come with _anything_ that would help me.

I couldn’t let them do this.

The moment the guard grabbed my arm, my eyes bulged as something in me snapped.

“ _Not on my watch,”_ an alarmingly familiar voice in my head chuckled darkly.

My heart sank.

That nightmare voice…

Suddenly, I felt far away. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I was astonished to see and feel my body move on its own accord.

Out of control over myself, I reached over with my free arm and grabbed the nearest syringe from the shelf. Without giving anyone time to react, I shoved it into guard’s neck and injected whatever liquid was in it. I heard nurse Jackie scream.

The guard yelled out in pain and shoved me away, dropping my arm to grab his neck. He immediately collapsed and hit the floor with a thump.

Without pausing for more than two seconds, I mechanically whipped around and punched the other guard square in the jaw. I could hear someone on their walkie-talkie calling in frantically for more security.

The guard on the ground was already passed out cold. What the fuck did I do to him?

The laughter of the voice in my head echoed.

Maybe I _was_ a psycho.

The guard I punched staggered back dizzily. I looked behind him. He was about to run into a comatose Sauli.

“ _Mine,”_ the voice hissed smoothly in my head.

I didn’t understand what the fuck was going on.

Without intending to, I ran forward, grabbed the guard by twisting his shirt and probably some skin before he reached Sauli, and flung him the opposite way, sending him crashing down to the floor as well.

An entire team of security guards barged in right then through the door and rushed me. They slammed me to the wall, keeping me pinned as Sauli’s doctor walked up to me with a different syringe in his hand. With no control, I quite literally _growled_ at his approach. My eyes narrowed into slits as he flicked the side of the syringe.

One guard braced my head as Dr. Farris pressed the tip of the needle to my neck. He didn’t look me in the eye once. He suddenly shoved the entire needle into my skin. I screamed out like a feral animal. He injected the hard liquid into my neck. I could feel the lump start to spread.

“ _Fuck this bitch…”_ the dark voice seethed in my head.

I felt my blood boil and the adrenaline of captured panic rushed through me. I tore away from the grasp of the guards and immediately slammed my knuckles into the nose of the doctor. I heard a delicious crack as he fell on his ass and cried out in pain.

I could _feel_ the nightmare in my head _smirking._ He followed that by whispering, “ _Run.”_

Out of nowhere, I felt sucked into my body again. All control returned to me.

With one strained, last look at my beautiful lover, I fucking bolted. I heard yelling behind me as I ran out the door and sprinted down the hall. An orchestra of footsteps pounded far behind me as I ran. I manoeuvered my way through the many halls with ease; I knew this place inside and out after spending over two months here. The halls started to blur as the injection started kicking in. The guards were still gaining on me not too far behind. I was panting and dizzy by the time I reached the waiting rooms. People stared in shock and alarm at me as I barreled past them. I managed to slam into a wall with my side as my vision went foggy. I saw doubles of everything.

I reached the front doors of the hospital, shoved the door open, and raced my way out. The sun beat down on me and I cringed after not seeing it for so long. I didn’t stop running until I was sure I lost the guards. Running turned into stumbling and wheezing as whatever medication they gave me spread throughout my body in record time because of how fast my heart was pumping.

I entered a forest, appealed by the cover of trees, and slowed down. I was gagging now. My body wasn’t used to this amount of physical exertion, especially since most of the time, I’d been walking slowly or limping because of my beatings. I felt my consciousness start slipping as blackness crept into the sides of my vision. I fell to my knees in the dirt and gasped for air.

I knew I couldn’t go back.

I knew I just left Sauli behind.

I knew he would be killed.

With a heartbroken sob, I collapsed forward into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment? Love feedback, as you all know.  
> All lyrics belong to Adam Lambert  
> Nirvana  
> Can't Let You Go  
> Time For Miracles


	50. Parasite?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear lord, this took forever for some reason. I blame it on school. Midterms and final exams and shit. Because y'all wanted a sequel, I did have to extend this a bit. There are still a couple more chapters to go. But for right now, here are 6,636 words at your service.
> 
> Also, since we're speaking about a sequel... I hate having to make you guys wait over a week for me to finish these chapters, so for the sequel, I'm doing things differently. I won't upload a single chapter until I have a complete draft of the entire story finished. Sure, it's a long wait for the first chapter, but it also means that every chapter after that will be up much more rapidly. :)

Adam:

I woke up as a violent shudder ran down my spine. My eyes snapped open only to realize I was lying face down in dirt and mud. I sputtered out in disgust and shoved myself to my knees, grimacing at the wet brown that stained my entire front. The sudden chill that ran through me and bit my skin harshly made me notice that I was absolutely soaked. I felt my head being tickled by relentless cold droplets. When I looked up, the rain pelted me mercilessly in its heavy downfall. I closed my eyes and let the freezing water clean off my face a bit. I looked around, seeing nothing but dripping trees, saturated earth, and green shrubbery. I furrowed my mud-crusted brow in confusion. It took me a long minute to recall exactly how I ended up in the middle of a forest. I had no clue how long I’d been laying there; it could have been minutes or hours, maybe even days.

Suddenly, I was blinded by a flash of white for a split-second, and then flinched wildly, falling forward onto my hands again when a deafening crack of thunder roared. I heard a scream from somewhere far away… or maybe that was me. I was not one to be afraid of thunder storms, but right now I was surrounded by tall trees, and that one strike was way too close for comfort. My heart was pounding and I was genuinely terrified, especially since I had no real idea where the fuck I was.

I shakily pulled myself to my feet, sloshing around in the unstable pool of slimy soil. My clothes were dripping mud and drenched all the way through to my skin. I groaned when I tried to wipe the muck off my forehead and only ended up spreading more because my hands were covered in it as well. Rubbing my biceps for friction, I coughed and shivered violently. I couldn’t feel my toes or my fingers. Shit, this was _not_ good. I puffed warm air into my dirty hands, trying to warm them up, but it didn’t help in the slightest.

I needed to get the fuck out of here fast. But… which way was out? Through the pouring rain, all I saw were stupid trees in every direction. I sucked in a sharp breath when another crazy shudder ran throughout my body. My teeth started chattering. Fuck! Whatever! I just needed to start _moving_ if I had any hope of finding a way out of here. I grimaced down at my feet. I couldn’t even see them since they were ankle-deep in mud. With great difficulty, I managed to pull my feet out and slowly started walking forward, shoes getting frustratingly stuck in the mud with every step.

After what a long period of walking hopelessly, I felt like crying. I was utterly exhausted, depressed, soaked, and freezing. The urge to just give up was _so_ welcoming right now. Every fucking thing was wrong with my life. Even here, every step was like trying to lift cement blocks attached to my knees. This mud was insane, and my dizziness from being drugged wasn’t giving me any advantages whatsoever. Too many problems, not enough will to push through.

And what was I going to do about Sauli?

I stopped dead in my tracks, making the sloshing noise stop. The sudden thought and realization of Sauli ripped a sob out of my throat. I’d almost forgotten about that entire situation in my attempt to save my own ass. I tuned out of everything else for a moment as my thoughts sank into misery. Here I was, frolicking around in a storm while the love of my life was hanging by a thread that his doctor was going to cut. The pain of losing him was suffocating. I could barely wrap my head around the idea of Sauli not being in my life anymore. Would I even have a life after the loss or would it be too damn much to bear?

I couldn’t just let him die, but… What was I going to do? What _could_ I possibly do?

Nothing…

It was over.

I started to struggle my way through the mud and rain again. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt miserable tears overflow and leave clean tracks on my dirt-covered cheeks. Of course I didn’t notice the tree root in front of me with my eyes closed and my thoughts preoccupied until my foot caught. I felt the air rush by me, and pain seared my entire front when I smacked down face-first into the mud and gravel.

“FUCK!” I yelled angrily into the mud, pounding my fists once into the wet mess on either side of me like a child.

I didn’t even bother getting up again. I could die right here. The idea of dying out here where no one could find me sounded very dandy in this moment. The soggy ground was too damn comfortable to leave anyway. My muscles wouldn’t cooperate even if I wanted to move. The exhaustion and drowsiness was taking over. So I stayed down. I laid there for a while, although I had no clue how much time had actually passed. The numbness from the cold spread throughout my limbs; I could hardly sense the freezing rain anymore, even though it was obviously still pouring. The only thing I could actually feel was my mud-matted hair sticking to my forehead and cheeks. A violent shudder rolled throughout my body and my teeth wouldn’t stop clacking. My head was spinning with thoughts and drugs, and I felt distant. I didn’t know if I was slipping into the unconscious or dying. I didn’t care either way.

I could hear mud sloshing not too far away. I tilted my head up, and through my blurred vision and the view-streaking rain, I thought I saw a figure of a man coming toward me in the distance. Not really able to give half a shit in the current state I was in, I plopped my head back down into the mud and slipped away.

***

My eyes flickered open, adjusting to the well-lit room around me. I raised a brow in confusion as I scanned my unfamiliar surroundings. I was lying on an extremely comfortable bed in what appeared to be an ordinary bedroom. Was I dead? Was this Heaven? How did I end up here? I let out a big huff of air and felt it tickle my chest. I looked down slightly and did a double-take, inhaling sharply when I noticed I was completely fucking naked and exposed.

What the hell? I was squeaky clean as well. Hadn’t I been taking an unwilling mud bath earlier?

Disbelieving, I attempted to reach down and rub my eyes, hoping I was dreaming, but instead, my eyes widened in alarm as I felt my hands restrained. I peered up at my hands frantically. Oh my god. I tried to keep calm as I stared at the ropes that were wrapped securely around my wrists. They were tied to the bedposts above and on either side of me.

Not good, _not_ good.

I grunted loudly with effort as I pulled hard at the rope tied too tightly around my wrists, but it was no use. I had no clue where I was and I was tied naked to someone’s bed. Panic started to sink low in my gut.

I heard a small creak and my head whipped over to the source of the sound. I stared with frightful eyes as I saw the bedroom door open slowly. I could hear my heart pounding in my head. In walked some guy I’d never seen before. He looked like any random stranger off the street. He appeared to be in about his mid-twenties. He ran a hand through his sandy hair at the sight of me, and his hazel eyes glinted with something that made my stomach churn. He had a friendly smile on his face as he quietly shut the door behind him and walked up to the side of the bed. I blushed fiercely as he scanned my nakedness up and down, and devoured any dignity I had left.

Trying to get the stranger to stop looking at me like I was food, I immediately snapped, “Who the fuck are you?” I tried to not show the fear in my voice. I doubted it worked.

I seemed to pull the stranger out of a daze because he looked up at my face curiously and blinked a few times.

“Hmm?” the stranger hummed in question. “Oh, me? My real name’s not important, but you can call me Jay.” He smiled again. He had a smooth, almost calming voice… which only made me narrow my eyes at him in suspicion.

I glared long and hard at him. I didn’t know what else to say or do. There was a long pause.

Finally, Jay… or whatever his name was, pursed his lips in fake pity and broke the deafening silence. “I was in the nearby forest doing… business when I saw you lying on the ground. Even from that distance, I could tell you were quite attractive. I couldn’t just leave something like you out there to rot, so I brought you home and bathed you until you were pristine.” He placed his hands on his hips and grinned proudly at me like he’d done me a favor.

I took in a shaky breath. I was trying my best to stay calm but…this guy kidnapped me. He _bathed_ me. I felt like throwing up, realizing that I’d been naked in his tub and he’d been touching me without me having any clue about it. How the fuck had I managed to sleep through all of that? Bastard probably drugged me.

I didn’t really want to know the answer as I hesitantly asked, “Why?”

Jay unexpectedly laughed, which startled me enough to flinch.

He had a crazed look in his eyes as he rolled them and said, “Well, I couldn’t let my new toy be all dirty, could I?” He laughed again as if my question was absurd. His laugh sounded forced.

Toy? _Toy._ What the hell did he mean by _that?_ I really didn’t like where this was heading. My heart was playing the fucking bongos in my chest.

I stared fixedly at Jay, terrified. This guy was absolutely crazy. His posture was relaxed, but somehow tense?

The crazy-ass reached forward and ran his hand along my bare thigh. I flinched and let out a sound of protest as I tried to move as far away as I could. I grunted with effort as I desperately tried to break free from the ropes around my wrists.

“Good, _good,”_ Jay murmured, still stroking my thigh, “it’s so much more fun when they squirm. That’s why I waited until you woke up.” Again, he said that as if this was all for my benefit.

I threw him an “ _Are you kidding me?”_ look.

Jay climbed onto the bed and immediately held down my thighs so I couldn’t kick him as he climbed over them and dropped down onto my belly. I huffed from the sudden impact of his weight. Thank fuck he was still wearing clothes.

“Get off!” I half-yelled at him.

I tried to buck and throw him off, but Jay just grinned and didn’t budge. I felt like a mechanical bull that he was straddling. He looked like he was actually getting off on this, so I stopped moving. My chest rose and fell with heavy breaths from both anxiety and exertion. Jay gave me a mock-disappointed look when I stayed still.

“I got lucky… You’re _such_ a pretty little thing,” he purred, “except for those fucked up arms.”

My eyes narrowed into slits.

Jay traced my scars with his nails. I cringed and wanted to cower away from the shame.

I shuddered when Jay reached forward and ran his hand through my now-clean hair. He stroked down my chest with his hands, scratching at me slightly. Was this supposed to feel good or…? Because all it was doing was making me sick to my stomach.

To my absolute horror, Jay leaned down and suddenly smashed his lips against mine. I immediately tried twisting my head away, but Jay’s hands had snaked to either side of my head to keep it firmly in place. I moaned in protest and shock against his chapped lips. He forced his tongue between my lips and shoved it down my throat. I fought the urge to gag. He tasted strongly of tobacco and vodka. I pulled at the restraints around my wrists, wanting so badly to mangle this fucker with my bare hands. His slimy tongue enthusiastically molested every inch of my mouth. I couldn’t take it, I was beyond disgusted. I bit down _hard_ on the psycho’s tongue. He howled in pain and broke away from my face. I panted roughly and stared up at him with hatred in my eyes. Jay furrowed his brow as he took a finger to his tongue; it came out bloody. Good.

“Feisty,” Jay growled approvingly, licking his teeth with his bloody tongue. “This just keeps getting better and better.”

I felt my stomach flip. He was completely enjoying all of this. This was a game to him.

Jay backed up from my belly and straddled my thighs. He hummed as he ran his callused hand down my stomach and to my hips. I shivered from his firm, awkward touch. It was repulsing.

“So big,” Jay cooed approvingly, staring mouth-wateringly at my dick.

I winced at his words and shut my eyes, mortified that he was seeing me so exposed.

I jolted and my eyes flew open when I felt Jay’s fingers stroke down my length. He suddenly grabbed the base of my cock tightly. A twinge ran through my body. I squirmed and tried to shove him off somehow, but I only made it look like I was thrusting into his hand. He took that as encouragement because, and to my dismay, he spat into his hand and started pumping my flaccid dick.

“S-Stop,” I stuttered, totally not sounding assertive at all.

I was horrified with myself as I felt my dick twitch in response to his touch.

“Doesn’t seem like you want me to.” Jay grinned as I started hardening in his hand.

I bit my tongue in order to keep from moaning out. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think of everything that could turn me off, but it fucking wasn’t working. Before long, I was achingly stiff in this freak’s hand. My toes curled and I started trembling lightly from need.

I was completely and utterly _revolted_ at my body’s reaction. I felt like I was betraying myself. I was being violated and my body liked it.

“You’ll be begging for your release,” Jay said sweetly, loosening his grip on me.

“Fuck, get off!” I yelled.

Expectedly, Jay completely ignored me. I gasped loudly when I felt his lips wrap around the sensitive head, enveloping my dick in warmth and wetness. Jay took me down his throat in one swift move, and then kept pumping me into the warm cavern. My hands clenched into fists above me. Jay’s tongue flicked at the underside of the head repeatedly as he bobbed. _Fuck,_ it felt so _good._

NO.

I refused to take any satisfaction from this. This was wrong. This was against my will. This was sexual assault.

But Jay’s tongue was doing things that my cock fucking loved. It didn’t care who was touching it. It just liked the attention and pleasure.

Out of fucking nowhere, I thrust up into his mouth, and then immediately slammed my hips back onto the bed when I realized what I’d done. Shit. Maybe Jay didn’t notice that.

Of course he did, and in response, he took my entirety down his throat again and then _hummed,_ sending tingling vibrations up my dick that settled low in my balls. I couldn’t help the moan that ripped its way out of my mouth.

That treacherous moan was followed by a quiet sob of shame.

I couldn’t believe myself.

Jay broke away for a second, a string of saliva connecting my dick to his lips. Cold air immediately kissed my wet skin, making me shiver.

Voice silky as ever, Jay said, “Good… See how I’ll reward you when you behave?”

He dove back in and I failed to stifle a whimper.

My eyes were squeezed shut, and tears flowed down the sides of my face as Jay continued to _pleasure_ me. How could I despise what was happening so much, but still react so willingly?

I could feel the tension coiling low in my body. I was getting close. I was too far gone to even care who was doing what to me. I just desperately needed my release. I would let him finish me, and then it would be over. But, to my body’s horror, and to my mind’s celebration, the psycho took my dick out of his mouth. Jay smirked devilishly at me when his hand loosened as he lazily pumped me up and down, keeping me on edge. I groaned out from frustration. I wanted to get this over with!

“Beg me,” Jay pouted with an amused glint in his eyes.

“Never,” I replied with a hiss.

I didn’t care how badly I needed a release; I was _not_ going to give him the satisfaction of making me give him permission. Jay’s callused fingers casually worked on me, too gentle to cause any real friction. I found myself fighting the urge to thrust up into his hand.

“Are you sure about that? Because I can keep you on edge like this for hours and _hours…”_ he teased, suddenly squeezing the base of my cock firmly before loosening his fingers again.

I was sweating and panting with need. I was on the verge of coming, tension built up all the way, but the bastard wanted to keep me in this state. He was going to make me beg him for my release, to force me into _wanting_ him.

I was still trying to bring myself down from the near-peak by thinking of cold water springs and grandma vaginas. It wasn’t fucking working with this asshole’s fingers gently stroking me like that. Jay suddenly flicked his thumb over my slit and the whimper that escaped my lips was more like a gentle mewl. I bit into my tongue so hard I tasted blood. He was turning me into a mess of sexual putty.

I would _not_ beg. I refused to give consent for his touch.

“Fine, it’s either you beg me, or be punished after you come,” Jay stated.

I gave him a daring glare, pressing my lips into a hard line to show him that it just wasn’t going to happen. He could kill me if he wanted, but my pride just wasn’t going to let me sink that low.

Jay gave me a seductive smirk and shrugged.

His hand suddenly tightened on me and pumped furiously. My face felt like it was on fire. I threw my head back as Jay took me into his mouth and flicked his tongue rapidly over my slit, finally sending me over the edge. I arched stiffly and white flashed across my vision as I came in to his mouth. I stifled my moans, swallowing them down with any self-worth I had left. Jay excitedly gulped my massive load like he was tasting water for the first time. He didn’t spill a single drop.

I relaxed into the bed and panted with exhaustion, tears still dripping onto the pillow below my head. I stared hard and tensely at the ceiling, repulsed with myself. I couldn’t stand to look at any part of my body right now.

But Jay wasn’t through with me yet. I felt myself entering his mouth again, quickly meeting his wet muscle. I whimpered from the discomfort and tried to move away. My hypersensitive and sated dick couldn’t handle more so soon; it was only painful. He flicked his tongue teasingly all over the head. I squirmed desperately and cried out from the over-stimulation.

“Stop!” I yelled, arching my spine to the point where it stung.

It was the worst feeling to be in pain and not be able to reflexively move away from it. Imagine someone nailing your hand down to a scalding stovetop. Jay had my wrists bound and my thighs pinned. I couldn’t throw him off for the life of me.

Jay started jerking me up and down roughly to the point where he was pulling skin. He suddenly dug his nails hard into me and I screamed, flailing and pulling at my restraints, needing to escape from this. Without any mercy, and as if the head of my cock wasn’t sensitive enough, Jay suddenly _bit down_ on me, jaw clamping and locking. I felt his sharp teeth sink into my super-sensitive flesh. I cried out loudly, flailing about as much as I could.

“ _PLEASE, STOP!”_ I shouted. 

Jay’s jaw finally unlocked and he let go of me altogether. He moved off of my thighs, freeing my legs. Sweat was pooling everywhere on me. I was shaking from the intense pain and light spasms made my body twitch every now and then. I could feel a trickle of blood running down my dick.

Just when I thought it was finally over, I felt rough hands at my knees, forcing my legs apart. I tried resisting and clasping my legs together, but it was no use; I was drained and damaged. Jay spread my legs so far apart that my muscles ached from the stretch.

I felt my cheeks flush from mortification and panic. I couldn’t let him rape me like this. I _wouldn’t._

Acting on reflex and defense, I shoved my foot as hard as I could into Jay’s face the second I felt his finger wipe off the bit of blood on my dick. The kick threw him off the edge of the bed, and he crash-landed somewhere behind the foot of the bed where I couldn’t see. I heard him groan out in pain, but mostly annoyance. Jay immediately scrambled up to his feet, and his calm, amused expression was wiped clear off. Within the blink of an eye, he was towering over me by the side of the bed. I sucked in a breath as I felt something with a sharp tip poke into the hollow of my neck.

“Do that again,” Jay growled, looming maniacally as he teased my throat with the knife that he pulled out of nowhere, “and I’ll fucking cut your dick off.”

I could feel sweat running down my forehead as I side-eyed him narrowly. The knife sharply poked into my flesh when I gulped. I knew Jay wasn’t kidding around. My dick was still stinging from the pain of being _bitten._ Like, who the fuck does that? With fearfully moist eyes, I squirmed back from the knife as Jay pushed it slightly harder into my neck, breaking skin. I held back a small whimper of pain as I felt a small stream of blood run down my neck and over my shoulder.

I was screwed. One wrong move and I would have an inadvertent sex change. Or, I could stop fighting and get thoroughly raped. But what if Jay just kept me here? What if I was his permanent toy and he used my body for his pleasure whenever he felt like it? Would he treat me like a doll and hand-feed me? Nobody would even notice that I’d disappeared. I would spend my years as a depressed, completely ruined sex toy while Sauli was rotting in a grave somewhere…

If I asked him to, would he kill me?

I didn’t want to live after this anyway.

How did it all come to this?

Sauli and I’d almost escaped. We’d almost been free.

What went wrong?

What could I have possibly done in my life to suffer so much punishment?

I almost choked on a surrendering sigh. If the universe wanted to break me so badly, then let it. My chest felt heavy with every breath as I sobbed quietly to myself.

 “ _Stop crying,”_ I heard an eerily familiar, dark voice seethe in my head. My eyes widened, my heart stopped, and all breathing ceased for a moment. “ _You’re weak and pathetic.”_

I blanched. It was literally as if there was someone in my ear canal talking to me. I looked over at Jay who was settling down in between my legs again. He seemed to not even notice the voice. Was I the only one who could hear this _thing?_ How the fuck…?

I felt my legs being forced apart again and I could hear Jay say something, but I was too distracted by the voice to do anything about it or listen. I was alarmed and slightly horrified. I couldn’t believe this phenomenon was happening again. My heart pounded furiously.   

“ _Look at you. You’re just lying there taking this shit,”_ the voice hissed.

The sound and tone was almost exactly like my own.  I could _feel_ him/it/whatever shaking their head. I stared blankly at nothing, too baffled to even move.

“ _I’ve gotta do everything, don’t I? It would take_ me _less than a minute to put this fucker on his back. I’m not letting this piece of shit touch you because this is_ my _fucking body too.”_

I was silently freaking out now, too spooked to make any sort of sound. This was the longest _he’d_ ever… talked.

The haunting words rang throughout my ears over and over.

_His_ body too?

WHAT THE HELL DID THAT MEAN?

I had no choice but to hear it. I wanted to slam my head repeatedly against the wall until I passed out. I wanted to shove my fists deep into my ears until I destroyed them. I wanted to pour bleach onto my brain to fry everything that was haunting me. Anything to make this voice _stop._

After a moment of silence in my head, I snapped back to reality. I saw Jay finally strip down to nothing. His shirt was already long gone. I stared in horror, not knowing what to do.

I heard the angry voice in my head scoff at me. I froze again.

And then I felt my control slipping away. It was like being completely paralyzed, but fully aware of every sensation. The difference was, and to my shock and amazement, my body started moving on its own accord. So this hallucination in my head was able to take over my body at will? How wonderful. What the fuck was this _parasite?_

As soon as I felt something fleshy poking near my entrance, my arm suddenly pulled hard against the restraint attached to the bedpost. Mentally, my eyes widened in awe at the way my muscles strained and flexed with effort. The rope was slicing into my wrist and hurting like a bitch, but the parasite didn’t seem to care in the slightest. My arm relaxed for a split second before jerking hard at the restraint again. A grunt of exertion escaped my throat. The veins in my arm were protruding and I was sure my face was bright red.

After one last tug, I heard a sickening crack, and then I watched in amazement as half of the fucking bedpost snapped off the headboard.

Without giving anyone time to react, the nightmare parasite swung the broken bedpost attached to my wrist at Jay, who didn’t even have time to look up before the post collided with his head. The impact was so great that Jay flew off the edge bed again and smashed into the hardwood floor.

But this time, he didn’t make a sound. He didn’t get up.

“ _Just that easy…”_ The voice echoed as it faded away and I felt in tune with my body again.

I sat upright on the bed, completely stunned. What… What just happened?

I didn’t know I was physically capable of that strength. I squeamishly looked back at the mangled headboard. I did that…? How was that even possible?! And how come I couldn’t do that like ten minutes ago _before_ I was shamed and embarrassed beyond return? Just like that and I was free. I _was_ pathetic. Ugh.

I realized I had no time to think about any of this right now. I needed to escape.

With the bedpost still dangling from my wrist, I turned to undo the knots on my other restraint, and found myself struggling to do so. Was Jay in the fucking navy? After a couple of minutes at war with the ridiculous knots, I exhaled sharply, exasperated. I looked around frantically for anything to help me and I felt relieved when I saw the slightly bloodied knife still on the bed. Using my feet, I managed to guide and kick the knife up the bed closer to me. Once it was within reach, I grabbed it with my free hand and immediately went to work on the ties. I finally managed to break free after a few minutes of furious cutting. When I was finished with that, I cut the dangling bedpost off of my wrist, and then stumbled off the bed.

I made my way to the other side of the bed and stared at my unconscious attacker. He was out cold. He wasn’t dead, although he did have a rather large bump forming on his head. How long did I have before he woke up? I needed to get out of here, but was I really going to leave this pervert here? Imagine how many other victims he had. How many didn’t escape? How many suffered a fate much worse than mine? I could call the police, but fuck…. They could be looking for me for all I knew. Maybe I should tie him to the bed in my place? No, forget that. I didn’t have time. I had to just leave him here.

I noticed my crusty, destroyed clothes in the corner. Shit. I wasn’t going to wear those.

I reluctantly ran over to Jay’s closet and grimaced at the sight when I flung the doors open. Not only were his clothes completely not my style, but he had giant dildos and sex toys lying around. Ugh… I was going to hate myself for wearing this filthy lowlife’s germs, but I had no time to wash my own shit. I grabbed the nearest pair of jeans and button-up shirt, skipping out on his underwear because, um, gross? I could change into less tainted stuff later.

Once I was dressed, I grabbed the nearest bag and threw my own clothes into it. My heart was still pounding as I made my over to the front door, afraid of where I might be. I shoved my feet into Jay’s too-big sandals and held my breath as I swung the door open.

I was greeted with a sudden breeze of cool air, drying the sweat from my forehead and neck. I welcomed it with warm arms. I was still trembling slightly, shaken from what happened. I quickly stepped out of the house and quietly shut the door. I walked fast, trying to get away as fast as possible, but still trying to take in my surroundings and figure out where I was. I hissed in pain as the denim of the jeans rubbed against my… injured groin. To my relief and slight terror, I wasn’t far from home. I was on the fence about how I should be feeling that I actually recognized this neighborhood. I crossed my arms and kept my head bowed as people and cars started passing me when I made my way into the streets. I kept myself calm by zeroing in on my thoughts instead of the public around me.

My thoughts were an absolute mess:

There was something seriously wrong with me. I was hearing voices in my head. But no, this wasn’t your typical nutcase. It was one voice and the voice was _me_ …. like I had another me living inside my head. The problem was, I had no idea where this began or why or _how._ And apparently, it could control me? I didn’t understand its intentions…. Did it even have intentions? What was “ _it”_ anyway?! Was this real or was I just crazy? Was I suddenly a schizophrenic? Was I just hallucinating because I was overtired? This wasn’t normal. Whatever was going on was an issue. I should probably go see a professional for this, but I didn’t feel like living in a padded room for the rest of my life. Maybe whatever it was couldn’t be all that bad if both times that it’d appeared, it’d saved my ass… But something told me that this was no guardian angel, and I was scared. How come I wasn’t able to, I don’t know, _summon_ it…? Could I talk to it? It had to be there, right? Where could it possibly go? It was still part of my mind and I was somehow doing this to myself. It’s not like it had a will of its own... right?

I wondered if it could hear my thoughts… What the fuck was I saying? Of course it couldn’t. There was no “it”.

I thought I’d give it a shot anyway.

_Hello?_

_Whatever you are, are you there?_

I waited a minute. No answer.

Now I felt fucking stupid. Here I was, walking down the street, thinking a one-sided conversation to myself, and half-heartedly hoping _I_ reply back. What the actual fuck.

Whatever.

I walked stiffly for a few minutes, winding down the necessary turns and paths that would lead back home. After a while of thinking to myself about this issue and how it could have started, I stopped dead in my tracks, staring at my feet with wide eyes. My breath hitched in my throat. I thought about it over and over, trying to convince myself otherwise. I shook my head, disbelieving.

The dream. Could it be?

That wasn’t possible. Right?

Dream characters didn’t fucking become parasites in your head. They didn’t actually exist. They’re figments of your imagination… But that dream was so _real._ The seductive doppelganger that raped Sauli… it couldn’t be the same “person” as the one in my head, _right?_ They sure sounded the same.

I didn’t understand any of this.

It couldn’t have been the same person. The demented masochist in my dream had been malicious and loved seeing me suffer by hurting the one I loved. The voice in my head saved my ass twice already and kept the guard from crushing Sauli back at the hospital…

Now I was casually comparing a vivid nightmare to the strange voice I heard inside my head…

My god, I _was_ crazy.

If anyone could read my mind right now, there would be no reason not to think I was psychotic.

I shook my head, trying to jolt away my absurd thoughts. I didn’t have time for this right now. I couldn’t afford to be so distracted. Not with the condition Sauli was in.

_Sauli…_

They could kill him at any given moment and I wouldn’t even have a clue. What if they’d already done it? I didn’t know how long I’d been out in that forest. I felt my knees start to shake.

I couldn’t do anything about it.

I wasn’t even mourning. I just felt… numb, like it hadn’t really sunk in yet that I’d probably lost my lover for good…

My house finally came into view and I’d never been so pleased to see the dump. I kicked it into high gear and sprinted up to the porch. I felt my heart sink when I noticed an official-looking note attached to the door. This couldn’t be good. Confused, I hesitantly ripped the note off the door and stared at it, scanning the words repeatedly to make sure I wasn’t reading this wrong.

Oh my god.

It was a repossession notice.

They were taking away my _house._

I flipped the sheet over and read the details on the back quickly, in a state of near-panic. Apparently, since no one had paid the bills or bothered with the payments in _months_ , they were going to solve the problem by taking away the entire house.

Fuck! I completely forgot about that. But there was no way I could pay. My father was dead and I didn’t even have a life left, let alone a job. How long had this piece of shit been taped here?

I blanched and felt fury settle in my core as I saw the date I was supposed to be gone by. Take a wild guess what day it was.

Tonight.

By six pm.

And oh look, the sun was already starting to set.

Surprise.

“Motherfucker!—” I yelled as I crumpled up the notice and chucked it.

I bolted inside, nearly ripping off the handle on the door. I made it about two meters inside before I staggered back a bit and caught myself on the wall, turning into ice. I almost vomited when I realized I was in the room that Sauli was shot in. I stared with wide eyes at the floor, trying to breathe evenly. The blood stains all over the floor made my stomach churn violently. Even with the dim lighting, they were noticeable. I felt weak in the knees. I had to grip the wall to keep from falling down. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down, before managing to clear my head again. It took a few good minutes to keep from having some sort of anxiety attack. When I trusted my feet again, I avoided the dried blood and bolted up the stairs.

I looked around quickly and frantically. I needed to take whatever I needed or was dear to me and leave, like now. There wasn’t much to take. I could easily stuff my worn-out backpack. I definitely didn’t have any luxury items and most of the things I had, I could live without. I changed out of the horrid clothes I’d taken and dove into my own small wardrobe. I put on a fresh pair of briefs, a pair of faded jeans, and a black sweater. I zipped around my room quickly, ending up packing a few outfits, a notebook and pen for lyrics, some toiletries, and my father’s wallet that I’d taken from him earlier.

I quietly said goodbye to my room. I went downstairs and forced my eyes to the wall as I walked to the door, refusing to look at the blood, but my stomach did somersaults anyway at the memory. The second I left the house, it hit me like a slap that I had nowhere to go.

I was raped and homeless on the same day. How could my situation get any worse? This was already beyond hell. Why did the universe _hate_ me so much? That was a rhetorical question, universe, not a challenge. Please don’t let things get worse, _please._ It just wasn’t possible. I was already tickling the side of insanity, I was sexually molested, I had nowhere to live, I had no family left that I was aware of, and my beautiful, incredible soul-mate was beyond my reach no matter what.

I didn’t have anything left to lose.

But it wasn’t over. Not yet, anyway.

There was still a chance for Sauli.

I decided to go back to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adam's brain is fucking with him... or is it? ._.  
> What a psycho... x)  
> Until the next chapter!  
> Which y'all will be very happy about, I'm sure.... for the beginning of it anyway ;)


	51. Tomorrow Awakens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. I know. This is very late. Sorry about it. This is the longest chapter in the entire fic. 8,634 words and it's finally done.   
> I really hope you guys like it.   
> How the hell has this turned out to be such a long fic?   
> Haha, each chapter of the second half of this fic has been very long. Compare that to the crappy less than 1000 worded first few chapters. Yikes.  
> Leave a comment/review, tweet me, leave kudos, whatever works for you. x)  
> ALSO, excuse a couple missing quotations and such; the site was being a bitch and not uploading this properly.  
> Oh, and surprise. It ain't Adam's POV ;)

Sauli:

_I knew I’d never been in this kitchen before in my life, but somehow I also knew it was mine. The entire house was foreign to me, and yet I had a good grasp on where everything was. I glanced over at the clock on the far wall; according to it, the time was precisely twelve o’clock. I walked slowly out of the kitchen, noticing that the floor looked…off. It was just… bent? Liquid-like? I didn’t know. But I was still able to walk or glide or whatever I was doing straight into a hallway. At the end of the hall, there was another, much grander clock. My brows knit in confusion. This one said it was exactly six o’clock, but the numbers were all in random order. It couldn’t have taken me hours to stroll out a few meters. I looked back at where the kitchen was… or had been. There was nothing but a wall behind me now. What the fuck? I nearly jumped out of my pants when the grand clock started chiming. I whipped around to look at the clock. My eyes widened. The clock was completely blank now. No numbers, no nothing. The answer to my confusion... and slight terror… became apparent._

_This was a dream._

_The realization of that sent me into awareness and everything in the strange dream came into focus. I attempted to control my surroundings by imagining the bedroom and bam, I was suddenly there; chic, ultramodern, and a little gothic—just what I always wished my dream bedroom would look like. I grinned at the power of subconscious awareness. Lucidity was more incredible than the things I’d heard about it. I could do anything now._

_But before I got to really test and enjoy my newfound and nearly limitless ability, I felt big arms wrap around me from behind and a chin rest on my shoulder. I didn’t even panic. I knew perfectly well who it was just by the way his body pressed against mine from behind. And he smelled absolutely divine. I reached my arm back and ran a hand through his hair. The outer layer was slightly stiff from hairspray, but the inside was still feathery soft._

_“Look, baby…” I heard his musical voice whisper in my ear._

_With his arms still around me, he turned us toward a large mirror on one side of the bedroom wall._

_I gasped at our reflections, not because there were disfigured monsters or some stupid shit, but because of how different we looked._

_He was still definitely my Adam. His sweet smirk widened at my shock and his arms tightened around my midsection. But, he looked older. His face was more defined and angular, all traces of teenage awkwardness gone. His eyes were lined softly with smoky coloring on his lids, making his icy-blue irises pop. His dark hair wasn’t splayed around his face; it was standing tall and proud, with lighter highlights licking at the tips. I ran my hand through it again. Adam closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to the side of my head. I could have sworn he was taller, but when I looked down at his attire, I nearly drooled. His weird, but gorgeous wedge boots gave him a couple inches. They looked amazing along with his black alligator-print pants, simple black and white shirt, industrially fitted jacket, and the studded, fingerless gloves that graced his hands. He looked incredible. I mean, he always did, but now… wow._

_But then I couldn’t stop staring at my own reflection. Not to toot my own horn, but damn, I was kind of hot. I blinked several times, just to make sure it really was my reflection. My eyes, nose, and lips were the same, but I’d grown out of the cheeky teenage period too. My face was all sharp angles now. When did I start working out and sunbathing? And when did I have my ears pierced like this? Through my olive-colored t-shirt and Adam’s sleeved arms around me, I could see that my arms were toned and tanned to perfection. Moving a hand under Adam’s embrace and my shirt, I breezed my fingers over my stomach and grinned. It was rock hard. My clothes weren’t as incredible as Adam’s; the only thing that really stood out in contrast to my simple shirt was my leopard-print skinny jeans._

_“Wow,” I mumbled in awe._

_“You’re so beautiful,” Adam said, closing his eyes and nuzzling in between my neck and shoulder. I smiled to myself. His appearance may have changed, but his habits remained._

_If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that Adam was asleep right then by how relaxed he looked. In the reflection, I could see his smoky lids relaxed and closed, his long lashes brushed his cheeks, and a slight, content smile graced his lips._

_I looked down at my feet, blushing._

_The atmosphere changed in a snap. I felt an icy chill run up my spine. Something felt very wrong. I was suddenly uncomfortable and nervous in Adam’s arms. Concerned, I glanced up at the mirror. I gasped sharply and nearly squeaked out in alarm at Adam’s reflection. Two lethal, golden eyes were staring straight at me. My heart dropped and I felt goosebumps all over me from his intense, piercing look. He wasn’t nuzzling into my neck, although his arms were still wrapped protectively around me, but more stiffly, restrained. His face was almost sickly pale, and it only intensified the brooding expression on his face. His lips were pressed into a thin line and he looked menacing, like he was fighting hard to not attack. He looked exactly like Adam, but he felt like a stranger. I couldn’t recognize him. My heart didn’t feel fuzzy when I looked at him; it felt stone-cold. His eyes… they weren’t Adam’s. He wasn’t Adam. I felt my stomach twist when his tight lips turned up in one corner, throwing me the most dangerous smirk I’d ever seen. All of this lasted about two seconds before I whipped my head to the side to look at Adam._

_But when I turned back, my own Adam was still nuzzling into me happily, and the heavy, dark aura ceased to exist._

_“Adam, do you see that?” I asked frantically, in a state of near-panic._

_Adam looked up at me with a big smile and warm blue eyes. “See what?”_

_“In the mirror, look, there’s…” I trailed off as I turned back to the mirror and saw Adam’s normal image. His bright expression was kind through the reflection, but his brows held slight concern._

_I stared at the mirror, confused. But after a few seconds, I forced myself to relax again and smiled at Adam through the mirror._

_“Nothing,” I sighed, not wanting to ruin the moment. “We just… fit. This looks right.”_

_I turned around in Adam’s embrace to face him before he could say anything. His arms rubbed my back as I beamed up at him and cupped his warm cheek. I pushed up onto my toes in order to get closer to his face. I felt Adam smile when I pressed my lips against his. He kept one hand at the small of my back and the other gripping the back of my neck gently, pulling me closer to him and deepening the kiss. His supple lips pulsed against mine as he moved perfectly with me. I threw my arms around his neck and licked his lips. Adam opened willingly, granting me access to his mouth. I kissed him harder, tongue finding his. I felt tension coil low in my belly and a jolt ran through me. I kissed him for what seemed like years and still I wanted more. I would never get enough of his magic. It felt so real too. I let one hand graze down Adam’s chest, lower and lower until my fingers gently cupped him through his pants. Adam immediately seized the wandering hand in his and broke away from my lips with a smack. I was left breathless and needy. He chuckled deeply, eyes glazed over with lust._

_“No, Sauli,” Adam mused quietly. He stroked my cheek with the back of his knuckles and his face fell like he was remembering something bad. A small frown nearly ruined his glowing beauty. “You can’t stay here… otherwise…” He looked pained for a brief second. “You need to wake up, baby.”_

_“No,” I protested and slammed my head into his chest, hugging him tightly._

_Adam tensed for a moment before relaxing and holding me to him._

_“Please, Sauli,” Adam half-mumbled into my hair. He was starting to sound almost desperate. “You need to wake up—”his voice cracked “—or we’ll never have this.” His fingers tightened around me, digging into my shirt._

_Why wouldn’t we have this? I loved this, as did he, so why not?_

_“What do you mean?” I asked into his chest._

_Adam pushed me away gently and held onto my shoulders at arm length. He stared intently into my eyes with his slightly distressed ones._

_He was completely serious as he spoke, and his words were filled with some meaning I couldn’t understand for the life of me._

_“Don’t come after me, move on. Trust me. It will all work out…” He didn’t answer my question. “But only if you wake up.”_

_“What are you talking about? Why are you so freaked out about me waking up? It’s not like I’m dying!” I sounded so whiny._

_Adam pulled me into one last rib-crushing hug._

_“Promise me you won’t give in,” he muttered into my hair before letting me go. “Fight for it. Wake up.”_

_He wasn’t making any sense. I didn’t know what he was going on about, but I nodded once obediently anyway._

_Adam looked slightly relieved. He started to back off, caressing my cheek as he walked backward. My skin stung when his hand left my face. His edges became blurred._

_“Adam?” I asked, kind of freaked out that he was disappearing._

_He looked like he was about to cry. “I’ll see you one day…” he insisted. “I love you.”_

_“Adam?” I asked again, desperately this time. What was he doing?_

_Adam faded slowly, his face last. The last thing I saw was his sad, unsure smile._

_“Please wake up…” I heard his voice echo as the last of him disappeared. “For me…”_

_I surrendered. My only thought was a sure, “Okay.”_

_The bedroom flashed and everything went white. My eyes instinctively flew shut from the blinding light._

When I reopened my eyes with much difficulty, I squinted and struggled to adjust to the bright light. I yawned and blinked away the last fogginess in my vision. I looked around at the unfamiliar room. Where the fuck was I? Almost everything in the room was white. There were strange instruments and tools all around the room. The only thing that really made sense to me was the stool next to my… stretcher bed? And what the hell was that annoyingly steady beeping sound? I tried to sit up, confused, but stopped when I felt tugging all along my arms. I stared with wide eyes at the tubes coming out of my arms and the irritating one protruding from my nose. I managed to shift upward a little, carefully watching the tubes taped to me. I immediately felt dizzy and weak. I glanced around again, noticing the monitor next to my bed. Well, I found the source of the beeping. Was that my heart rate?

That’s when it suddenly clicked. This was a hospital. I was a patient?

What _happened?_

My brow furrowed with strain as I tried hard to remember anything. It felt like one minute I was with Adam, and the next, I was here. The last thing I could recall _before_ my dream was teenage Adam’s horrified face and then… nothing. Did I get hurt somehow? I groaned when I felt my head start to pound. It hurt to think.

My attention snapped over to the door in the left corner of this bland room. It opened quickly, and in walked a pretty blonde nurse holding a cup of tea and a clipboard. I watched her with curiosity. She didn’t even glance at me as she moved across the room, hung up the clipboard, and started making her way out again. I cleared my throat before she could leave. She jumped two feet into the air and her head whipped over in my direction. I could see the color leave her face when her eyes locked with mine. She gasped and froze, dropping the cup. It shattered too loudly all over the floor. I flinched, startled by her behaviour. She looked like she just saw a ghost.

“Oh my god,” I watched the nurse croak weakly. I furrowed my brow, confused and slightly alarmed. She squeaked louder, “ _Oh my god!”_

“…What?” I asked, slightly agitated by her freaking out. 

The nurse gasped again and her hand flew to her mouth. I literally turned my palms up on either side of me like, _what the fuck, lady?_

She ran over to me, crunching broken pieces of glass on her way and splashing tea around. I nearly panicked, the crazy son a bitch was bolting over to me with a crazed look in her eyes. But instead of stabbing me like I thought, she immediately headed over to my monitor and started scattering around tools in the drawer under it. I peered at her over my shoulder.

“He was right! He was actually right! You’re awake!” the nurse practically squealed as she frantically looked through the drawer.

Who was right? What the fuck was going on?

The nurse jerked back over to my side, flashing a small light in my eyes that nearly blinded me. “Okay, follow the light with your eyes.” I did what she asked without question. “Good! Now, how many fingers am I holding up?!” She was practically yelling in excitement. I was still lost at this point.

“Three?” I muttered tentatively, afraid she was going to explode.

The nurse beamed back at me and nodded quickly. “And you can talk _and_ understand me just fine. Oh my god, you have no idea… Say something else! Anything!”

I shrank back into the thin pillow at her sharp demand. “Um, I would like for you to stop scaring me and tell me why I’m here?”

The nurse did a small twirl and clapped her hands together once in approval. “Perfect! You’re alright! Oh man! We’re going to have to do more tests, but AH! How is this even possible?!” She stared at me with wide, bright eyes and her hand on her forehead. Her constant high-pitched, loud voice was so not helping my headache. I gave her a look.

“Oh… sorry,” she said, much quieter, and finally took a goddamn seat next to me. “I’m sorry. I’m just so… eek!” She took a deep breath. “My name is Jackie, and I’m your nurse.” She smiled brightly at me.

I blinked. I felt like being sarcastic. “Great. How wonderful. Jackie... Now I don’t want to be rude, but can you finally tell me what the hell is going on here? Why am I strapped to all this crap?”

“Right, okay. Um… well, I should probably just be upfront since there’s no easy way to break it to you,” Jackie said quickly, not quite looking at me. “You’ve been in a coma for over two months because you were shot in the head.”

I blanched. My breath hitched in my throat. _What?_

_Over two months?_

A coma… oh shit. I’d been laying here for that long? How come I didn’t remember _anything?_ Had I just blanked out that entire time or did I dream? A bullet to the head… Did it leave a scar? Was I permanently damaged? I quickly wiggled my fingers and my toes, just checking. I _felt_ fine, other than the dizziness and the headache. Did they have to shave my head? I guess after over two months, my hair would be back anyway, so that didn’t matter. My mind was racing and my thoughts were a mess. I could see why Jackie was amazed that I was alive. I suddenly felt like jumping up and down too.

I could recall a bit more now. Eber. That son of bitch hadn’t died, had he? He fucking embedded a bullet into my head. He’d better be dead now. Is that why I had an image of Adam’s scared and shocked face plastered in my mind? He _watched_ me get shot?

Adam… _Adam._

I frantically looked around the room, stupidly expecting him to suddenly pop up. What happened to my love? _Two months._ My scared eyes landed on Jackie’s now-calm face.

“Where’s Adam?” I asked, trying not to sound desperate and failing.

Jackie’s face fell immediately and she looked down, staring at her folded hands on her lap. It made my stomach flip.

“He’s not here,” she mumbled quietly, “and he’s not coming.”

At first I was confused. Why did Jackie look so ashamed? What did she mean he wasn’t here and wasn’t coming? And then I was angry. Had Adam actually not shown up when his supposed love had been practically dead? Where the hell did he go? He probably ran away. He seriously abandoned me _now?_ Two months and where was he? He could be long gone. What, did he use me for everything I had and then toss me away when I couldn’t please him anymore? How could he… Did _anyone_ visit me? I could feel my blood start to boil and I fought to blink back tears.

I hadn’t realized I’d actually vocalized some of those thoughts until Jackie started shushing me, urging me to calm down as she looked over worriedly at the jumping heart monitor.

“That asshole,” I seethed. “How could he just leave me like this?” I stared hard at my lap.

“ _Don’t say that,”_ Jackie snapped. I looked up her defiantly with moist eyes. “You don’t even have a clue what happened.”

“He’s not here. That’s all that’s important to me,” I muttered.

Jackie scoffed, looking actually offended by that. I could swear her eyes were becoming wet. “You have no idea what he went through for _you._ ” She sniffed. I looked away, about to roll my eyes. “You listen to me!” I looked back up at her, annoyed. “I was here. I saw it all. He’d been here _every single day and night._ He’d literally _never_ left. Not once. I had to force him to move around and _eat_ because all he’d wanted to do was stay by your side. It was horrible. He’d been like a zombie. He’d always wanted to be left alone with you, and I’d usually let him. But sometimes, I’d watch him through the window. It’d been heartbreaking, and still is. He’d never let go of your hand, like a desperate attempt to keep you here or something, like if he’d let go, you’d disappear. His eyes had always been red from crying. He’d cried so _hard._ It’d made me want to just cradle him up like a baby. He would sing to you often and oh my god, what a voice he has.” She shook her head, disbelieving. “I don’t understand it at all. No other visitor has ever been like that. He’d been killing himself and he hadn’t cared. All so he wouldn’t have had to leave you. And then you go and say those things about him?”

I didn’t realize my jaw had dropped open slightly. A tear rolled down my cheek. I felt like absolute shit. Shit beyond the lowest scum on the face of the planet. I couldn’t remember any of what had happened. I tried to imagine it all. I tried to imagine Adam sitting where Jackie was right now and crying. I tried to imagine him singing to me. I tried to imagine him looking like death. I couldn’t do any of it. It just hurt too much.

“…What happened? Where is he now?” I croaked, mentally beating the shit out of myself for being such an asshole.

Jackie sighed and went on, “You just weren’t improving at all and there were other patients who desperately needed the instruments of this room… and still do, actually. We’d been about to give up on you… but Adam had never stopped trying.” Jackie peered at me and offered me a small smile. I couldn’t return it. “You’d never responded to anything… except for him. He’d been the only one who could make your heart rate speed up whenever he’d touched you or kissed you.”

“Really? I did that?” I asked quietly.

Jackie nodded. “I saw it myself. It was quite remarkable.”

Tears filled up my eyes again and I smiled softly to myself. I couldn’t remember feeling Adam touching me at all, but I was glad I’d responded to him and only him.

Jackie looked up at the ceiling. “Here’s where it gets difficult. Adam had given us permission to take you off of life support.” I felt my heart sink. Jackie noticed my expression and quickly went on, “But for your own good! You see, you were _supposed_ to become mentally disabled or _worse_ if you woke up. Adam hadn’t wanted that. I guess for him, he’d been willing to let you go rather than make you live as a vegetable. Trust me; I’ve seen enough of those patients to know that what he’d chosen was best. That right there, that was incredible of him. I know you probably don’t understand it. You’re probably upset knowing he’d allowed us take you off of life support. But just trust me… okay?”

I blinked several times, trying to understand. The longer I thought about it, the more I came to terms with it. And you know what? I was almost relieved Adam had chosen that for me. He loved me enough to let me die in peace and not suffer through an immobile life. He was selfless. I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and never let go. I couldn’t imagine how hard that decision must have been for him. It blew my mind just thinking about it.

“So why am I still here?” I asked slowly.

Jackie bit her lip. “Adam changed his mind about the life support issue. He’d originally agreed with the idea because you really weren’t improving, but that all flipped when he insisted that you squeezed his hand. No one believed him. Not even me. But… it appears as if he was right.”

I’d squeezed his hand. God, how much had I confused and hurt him during my time here? How many tears had he shed over me? I was so sorry. I’d never want Adam to go through something like that. Coma or not, he shouldn’t have destroyed himself worrying over me.

Jackie laughed once, forced. “I still can’t believe you’re really alive and listening to me. It’s a miracle that you’re awake. We did give you a couple of days after Adam and the whole squeezing thing, but that was out of guilt. No one thought you’d wake up. Your life support removal was scheduled for early tomorrow.”

Before either of us could say anything else, the door opened again. A man in white doctor’s apparel walked in. Jackie immediately stood up and straightened herself up. The doctor glanced over at her for a second before doing a double-take at me. He had an absolutely shocked expression on his face. It made him look funny since his nose was all taped up and purple. I briefly wondered how that happened.

“This is Dr. Farris. He’s been taking care of you for the past couple of months,” Jackie mumbled quietly.

“Wow…” Dr. Farris stared wide-eyed at me as I waved once. His eyes flickered over to Jackie. “Nurse, can you come here for a moment?”

Jackie nodded and went over to the doctor. I watched curiously as they talked a little too loudly for whispers.

“He can understand you?” Farris asked, stunned.

“Very much so, and he speaks normally, no hint of stutter or difficulty,” Jackie beamed proudly.

“How…?” Farris glanced at me for a second.

“I really don’t know, but he appears to be just fine, completely stable. I’m not sure about motor skills since he’s been lying down, but so far, he’s managed to move his toes.”

“We’re going to have run a few more accurate tests later, but… wow.” Farris raised his eyebrows. “I guess we really are taking him off of life support, but for a completely different reason.”

Jackie grinned.

Farris gestured to me with a nod, “Can you say something?”

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Can I get up now?”

They both laughed.

“Yeah, I think he’ll be fine,” Farris chuckled. “By the way, for when you do leave, your duffel bag is right over there.” He gestured to the corner of the room.

So I still had my money and belongings. Good, I could work with that.

It only took a couple of minutes for all the crap attached to me to be completely removed. No more stupid wires. It felt good to not have to hear that ridiculous and embarrassing heart monitor again. My head did still have to be wrapped though, just in case. Jackie changed the bandages after she was done with the tubes. She told me she’d take it all off before I was released.

Dr. Farris watched my behavior the entire time. He finally shrugged and said, “I’ll go order some tests. We need to check out the extent of the brain damage… if there is any. And I have lots of paperwork to do now. Great…” And with that, Jackie and I were alone again.

I called out to her, “Nurse?”

She turned around after she threw away my old bandages. “ _Jackie,”_ she corrected.

I smiled. “ _Jackie_ , what happened to Adam?”

Jackie’s face fell once more. She looked solemn as she took her seat next to me again. She looked so much older than she probably was when she was sad. I wondered how old she really was. I didn’t want to be rude and ask, but she only looked to be in her twenties. Sitting up on the bed, I was ready to take in whatever she was about to tell me…. At least I hoped so…

“He’d already given permission to Dr. Farris, so when he changed his mind, Farris thought Adam had become delusional, and hallucinating that you were responding to him. Farris insisted they’d go on with the plan. Adam… He didn’t take it well. He’d flown into a rage because of various reasons, but mostly because they were going to quote-on-quote _‘kill’_ you even though you’d suddenly improved. He’d put up a huge fight. It’d been terrifying. He’d hurt everybody that got in his way. Something in him had… changed? I don’t know, but he wasn’t the sweet boy I’d become acquainted with, not at all.” My stomach dropped. That sounded familiar.

I wondered if the broken nose Farris sported was a result of Adam’s fury. He deserved it then. I wasn’t going to be friendly with someone that put so much stress and pain on my baby. Other than that, I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t really comprehend Adam becoming so violent over me. Although… that one time with Alex… I shook the thought out of my head.

Jackie sighed. “Eventually, they’d managed to sedate him, but before they could’ve restrained him, he ran out with guards chasing him. I have no clue where he went or if he’s alright. That sedative was heavy too…”

I was trying to imagine this and my eyes were stinging. Where was my baby? My voice cracked, “When was this?”

“Just a few days ago…” She sighed heavily again. “If only they’d let him stay just a little longer…”

I couldn’t hear her second sentence. I was agitated. I tried to sound calm, “They’d kicked him out and told him they were for sure going kill me?”

Jackie nodded, not looking at me. “Adam probably thinks you’re dead. Unfortunately, we don’t have any contact info to inform him otherwise.”

I was starting to panic the fuck out. I was breathing heavily and my heart was pounding. I tried to get up from the bed, scrambling to throw the blanket off. Jackie stood up and pushed me back down, looking concerned. Her hands rose and fell rapidly against my heaving chest.

“You shouldn’t get up yet. What’s wrong?” Jackie asked quickly, sounding worried.

I stared up at her with wild eyes but didn’t fight back against her. “Adam’s spent _days_ thinking I’m dead?”

Jackie nodded, brow knit, still had no idea where I was going with this.

I remembered the things Adam had once said to me:

 _‘Do you not realize that I would_ kill _myself if you were to die? I_ can’t _do this without you anymore.’_

And

 _‘I was wrong for doing it. If you died, I could not live with myself. I_ need _you.’_

My short breaths came out strained. I remembered the serious look in his eyes, and how much he meant every word. My hand flew up to my forehead, gripping my hair and the bandages tensely. I was going into hysteria. Terror froze me for a few moments.

“He’s dead,” I barely croaked, staring at nothing.

Jackie replied calmly, “I’m _sure_ he’s not. Come on now…”

I looked back at her with fear wide in my eyes. “No, you don’t understand. He’s _dead.”_

I went over the edge. Quietly streaming tears turned into sobs. I didn’t even care that there was somebody else in the room, alarmed at my sudden state.

“ _Adam…”_ I cried out dreadfully.

I buried my face into my palms and just cried. Jackie said something about coming back in a moment, but I didn’t hear her. All I was aware of was finally being alone in my distress.

He was dead. I was sure of it. I didn’t need any more proof than his words. He was mentally troubled enough to kill himself over me and he’d _told_ me that a few times. He’d told me over and over to make sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid. And now he’d spent _days_ knowing I was dead. Did he even last days? Or did he do it right away? _How_ did he do it? I felt my stomach flip and twist at the thought of Adam just rotting away somewhere. My baby… oh my god. _No._ This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. We were supposed have a full life together. He couldn’t just leave me like this. How the fuck was I supposed to go on? Is this how he felt when he realized I was dead? How much anguish had he suffered? I felt my heart break into shards like the tea cup still on the ground. But I was alive! Adam, _why?!_ Couldn’t you be strong enough to go on without me? Now I had to try to do the same. It seemed impossible. I gave everything up for him and now he was gone. I had to find his body. I couldn’t just let him _decay._ I let out a few more strangled sobs. I knew my conclusion was too quick and I was being rash, but what were the odds that he was alive?

Could you believe it continued on like that for hours? For _hours_ I cried and fought myself in my head. He was dead. He wasn’t dead. I ended up settling on dead no matter what. I couldn’t even understand the loss. It wouldn’t sink in properly. I never thought anything would happen to me that would cause Adam to end it all.

Hours of freaking out, crying, tests, and a brain scan later, I was told that I hadn’t suffered any permanent damage that would alter me in any way, to everyone’s but my surprise. They’d only told me that when I’d finally calmed down. I hadn’t even blinked an eye at the “good” news. I didn’t fucking care. I’d rather be dead as well. At least, maybe, I’d be with Adam.

When I’d finally been allowed to get up from my bed, I’d felt incredibly weak. Jackie had explained that it was because I hadn’t used my muscles in so long, but I’d get used to it again fast. My recovery was super speedy as well, which baffled everyone even more. As much as I begged, Farris insisted I stay another night just to make sure. I wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. I needed to know for sure about Adam. Although, as much as I didn’t want to believe it, I was already certain he was gone.

Finally, late morning came and I was allowed to leave. Jackie helped me with everything, including checking out since I’d never been in a hospital before and so I had no clue about the procedure. She walked me to the door, eyeing me to make sure I was walking straight and steady. I sighed, grateful, but a little annoyed by her concern. I stopped by the front doors with my gym bag slung over my shoulder and turned to Jackie, putting on a smile.

She beamed back warmly. “I have a cab ready for you,” Jackie said as she gestured to the yellow van out front.

I sighed again. “Thank you… for everything. For helping me, for helping… Adam… Everything.” I really was glad she was here.

Jackie nodded, “My pleasure, and… I’m so sorry about… him.”

I felt a lump in my throat. I tried hard not to think about him like that again here. I didn’t want to break down in the middle of the waiting room.

I turned to leave and started pushing the doors open when I noticed the heavy security outside the doors. I stopped and looked back at Jackie, confused.

“What’s that all about?” I asked, angling my head toward the guards.

Jackie looked sheepish and she mumbled, “Dr. Farris insisted they be there just in case Adam came by… I’ll remind the front desk to call them off now.”

A prang of anger ran through me for a moment. Fantastic.

“Fuck him,” I seethed. Jackie bit her lip and kicked at the ground with her foot. “It was pointless anyway. Adam can’t be alive.”

Jackie opened her mouth to object, but I just shook my head at her gently. I didn’t want to hear it. They just didn’t get it.

With one last kind goodbye to Jackie, I threw my bag over onto my other shoulder, walked out the front doors, glared at the guards, hopped into the cab, and gave the driver the address to Adam’s house. The drive seemed to take forever, but I suddenly missed the endlessly long journey when we pulled up to the eerily familiar house. My insides felt like putty as I stared at it through the window for a while until the driver snapped me back to attention. I blinked, almost dazed, and handed him his money. Slowly, I opened the door and stepped out as I continued to stare at the broken house, closing the door behind me. The cab immediately screeched behind me and sped away.

Blood pounded in my ears as I shakily made my way up the remains of what used to be a lawn and up the porch. I didn’t know what to expect. Maybe Adam was really there. Maybe everything would be fine. I tried to imagine his beautiful face lighting up when he saw that I was alive, but the image contorted into a maggot-filled skeleton. I felt sick by the time I was at the front door. Which, by the way, hadn’t Eber knocked it down? Well, I was out cold for months, so I guess someone had taken the liberty of installing a new one?

I hesitantly knocked a couple of times. No answer. I took a deep breath, knocked louder, and waited a minute, but still nothing.

“Adam?” I called out hopelessly to the door. Not a sound came from the other side.

 I sighed and closed my eyes, resting my forehead on the metal. I wrapped my hand around the doorknob and experimentally turned it. My eyes flew open when it twisted all the way. I pushed the door open slowly and stared in disbelief. How was it unlocked? As the door opened, a weird aura washed out and breezed by my face. I wanted to turn and run away.

I stepped a few feet inside and felt suffocated. The memories flooding into my head were overwhelming. The blood. Oh my god, the dried blood all over the floor. My blood. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t skid another inch further. The energy in the room was hostile. I started to shake more after every minute I stood there. There was no one home anyway. It was dead silent. No one… not even Adam was anywhere to be seen. I felt tears sting my eyes and a lump form in my throat as this only confirmed what I’d originally thought. He was really gone…

***

Hours later, I went to school while it was in session, but not to attend classes.

With the guidance teacher-authorized sheet in my hand, I was on my way to every class to get the signatures of every teacher. By the time I finally reached my English class, it was lunch break and I felt strange. People I used to know had waved to me and gotten excited that I was back. I could barely look at them. I was so out of place. To me, it seemed like I was the only person in reality. I felt like this neon-colored freak in a sea of mundane mannequins. Is this how Adam had felt for his entire high school experience? It was horrible. I wanted to crawl up into a corner and die.

Getting my shit out of my locker once and for all hadn’t help in the least. I’d tried not to look at Adam’s open, abandoned locker and failed. A huge lump in my throat had threatened to choke me. That was where we’d first talked… and by talked, I mean I’d tried to ask for directions, but instead got a load of hostility. I’d almost smiled to myself at the memory. What if I’d never sucked up the courage to talk to him? Would we have ever officially met? Would I have grown to believe all of those ridiculous stories about him? Would I have become one of these robots? And Adam… how scary he’d seemed to me. Little had I known that he was really just the biggest, most caring sweetheart that would panic if I got one measly bruise… and if someone had told me that back then, I’d have laughed hysterically.

“You’re dropping out?” Mr. Davidson asked, peering up from his glasses as he read the sheet. “Are you sure about this?”

I nodded solemnly.

Mr. Davidson blinked a few times before shrugging and taking out a pen from his pocket. “I can’t change your mind, but I hope you know what you’re doing,” he grumbled as his pen moved in swirls across the paper.

I had enough of every teacher’s disapproving looks throughout the day. Did they think I didn’t _know_ how risky this was? Did they think I didn’t realize how this made me look? What did “high school dropout” make you think of? Probably stoners, losers, and minimum wage workers…

“Alright, here,” Mr. Davidson said as he handed the sheet back to me. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a very important meeting about the new lunch menu.” I stared at his signature as he rushed out without another word.

I turned to leave when something caught my eye. I stared for a moment. Blinking back the stinging in my eyes, I headed down the row of desks toward the back of the room. I inhaled a shaky breath as my hand brushed over the familiar desk. I stood over Adam’s desk and watched as my tears splashed onto the wooden surface. I slowly sank down in his seat and tried to breathe evenly. I could practically feel his aura sitting here. I could feel his pain. I could feel the agony of his beatings as he’d tried to conceal it during class. I could feel his miserable and lonely presence. I stared hard at the scratches in the desk. I stroked the depressing words gently… they were such an obvious cry for _help_ and no one ever bothered. I sniffled repeatedly as waterfalls streamed down my cheeks.

Why the fuck was I doing this to myself? I stood up quickly and wiped the tears off of my face as I half-ran out of the classroom. I kept my head down through the halls and speed-walked to the washroom to clean up. I probably looked like the biggest mess, and I didn’t want questions. I could barely stand it when someone looked at me. I barged into the washroom and immediately ran to the sink, splashing water all over my face. When I finally looked up at the mirror from under my hands, I realized how crazed and disjointed I really looked. I was also thinner from the coma. I looked almost the same as the last time I looked in a mirror, but I just couldn’t see the person I used to be. I couldn’t recognize myself.

I backed up from the sink and immediately noticed where I really was. The countertops, the tiled walls, the dirty ground… It was the same washroom Adam and I’d declared to each other. Big mistake to come here… I felt my knees wobble uncontrollably. I couldn’t stand anymore. I sank down to the floor, crushed. Looking around with wide, anguished eyes, I could see Adam leaning over the sink crying, I could see him slide down against the wall to the floor after I told him I wanted him. I could see his beautifully stunned face and the conflict behind his eyes. I could _feel_ his first sweet kiss. The memories were tearing me apart. I couldn’t do this anymore. Everywhere I went, I saw Adam. His mark had been left in every place. It was killing me to feel him everywhere. How could I ever cope with the loss if he was _everywhere?_ I couldn’t stay here any longer. Not just the school, but this whole damn city. I literally had _nothing_ left here for me. No friends, no family, no love, no home, no education, no job, _nothing._

It was still lunch break when I finally collected myself enough to leave the washroom. My eyes weren’t as puffy and red as before, and I could stand without toppling over. I handed my sheet in to the office and hurriedly tried to get out of here. I smacked face first into a wall full of chest. I stumbled back a bit and looked up to see a pair of brown eyes staring at me confusedly. The eyes were followed by another two pairs coming up beside him. One by one, I put a name to a face. Drake. Dakota. Marie. Well, how could this day get worse? Their confused expressions were replaced by amusement.

Dakota’s eyes glinted with something wicked. She grinned and said, “Sauli! Where’s your man-candy? Haven’t seen you or him around in a while, have you been too busy getting an ass-full of dick?” She pouted.

My jaw nearly dropped, stunned by her forwardness. I didn’t say anything. Adam had to deal with this shit for the longest time, didn’t he? I felt like crying all over again. I stared at the ground.

“Oh look, he’s not responding. I guess having so many cocks shoved down your throat does some serious damage. Poor guy,” Drake added seriously.

Marie piped in before I could do anything, “So where’s your bodyguard now? Not much of a threat without him around, huh? How did you ever get him so obedient? Money or _favors?_ ” She winked at me, and then quickly grimaced. “Ugh, I just grossed myself out.” She turned to Dakota, “Can you imagine that? Just two guys all over each other like that, all tongue and shit?” She shuddered.

Dakota let out a disgusted grunt. “Can’t believe I even _kissed_ him, what the fuck is wrong with me? Ugh,” she muttered.

Every jab was like a slap to the face. How could they just saythese things so damn easily? The lump in my throat was becoming unbearable… but they weren’t worth it. They were nothing. I started to walk away, but a big hand gripped my bicep and jerked me back.

“Um, where do you think you’re going?” Drake sneered. “Who said I was done with you, faggot?”

“Hey!” I heard a voice call. We all turned around to see Alex approaching. My heart dropped. Oh no…

“Dude, just in time, we got the cocksucker,” Drake nearly cheered, squeezing my arm harder.

Dakota muttered, “Careful, Drake, don’t touch him so much. Hello? Aids?”

Drake snorted.

Alex reached us, and his eyes flickered between my frightened face and Drake’s proud one. His jaw was set. He looked pissed.

“Let him go,” Alex said clearly, full of authority.

I gaped. I was pretty sure we were all gaping in shock.

Marie squeaked, “What?”

Alex glared at her, then back at Drake. He repeated himself fiercely, “Let. Him. _Go.”_

Drake immediately released my arm and backed up, holding his palms up toward Alex in surrender. I sighed in relief and rubbed my arm. I didn’t get a chance to thank Alex because he grabbed my wrist and started to drag me away from his friends before I could say anything. I just let him, too stunned to respond.

“What the _fuck?”_ I heard Dakota complain behind us.

Alex’s grip on my wrist was cutting off my circulation as he wordlessly pulled me around a corner. Was he going to beat me up or what? My brain caught up with the surprise turn of events and I immediately started pushing at his hand. The second I did so, Alex released me and whipped around to face me. He looked me up and down with confusion apparent on his face. I kind of just rubbed my wrist and stared at his feet shyly. What the hell happened to me? I used to be so outgoing.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked, not a hint of anything sarcastic in his tone, just pure curiosity and concern. What the flipping fuck?

I scanned him for a while before sighing and finally answering quietly, “I’m going home.”

Alex raised a brow. “Well, I can drive you if you want.”

For a moment, I was taken aback by his offer, but then I shook my head and stared at his chest. “Home… to Finland. Tomorrow. I can’t stay here any longer.”

“What do you—?”

Alex’s friends appeared around the corner suddenly, looking annoyed.

“Um, you can’t just leave us like that,” Marie lectured Alex who just rolled his eyes impatiently and groaned.

Alex gave them all a look, warning them to either shut up or get lost.

Alex stared back at my obviously distraught face silently for a long minute before he appeared to finally put two and two together. I could almost hear the click in his head.

“Sauli… where’s Adam?” Alex murmured. His voice strained slightly.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. This would be my last response. I couldn’t just keep answering questions for them like this, not after everything they’d put me and especially Adam through. I opened my eyes with tears brimming and refused to look up at any of them.

“He’s dead.” My reply was cold and quiet.

Everyone fell silent. I could feel the shock and confusion sparking in the atmosphere.

Before anyone could say anything else to me, I turned on my heel and walked away.

***

I found a cheap motel to stay at for the night before I left. There was quick access to a really rudimentary computer with Wi-Fi. The first thing I did when I entered my room was jump on the computer and find a flight that would take me away from this place. I doubted I would find something on such short notice, but I got lucky. There was only one non-stop flight tomorrow to Helsinki with many seats left. I guessed that didn’t really surprise me, I mean, who the hell would go to Finland at this time of year? The problem came after I filled out all of my info. All I had to do was click the last button and it would all be confirmed. I could start my life over. I could start it right, but this time where I belonged. I had relatives in Helsinki that I could live with. They didn’t ever have to find out I was gay. I would live with them until I finished school and found a job, and then I could finally have my life back. I never had to see this terrible place again.

I sat there for ten minutes straight, just willing myself to click the goddamn button. I finally managed to convince myself. I closed my eyes and just… clicked.

It was done.

I let out a deep sigh.

I pushed away from the desk, grabbed my gym bag, and plopped down onto the creaky old bed. Unzipping the bag, I decided to go through my belongings to see what I already had and what I might need to buy after the trip. I yawned loudly, wiping my eyes before digging through the bag. Everything I’d originally packed seemed to be here. A few toiletries, my favorite jeans, polo shirts, money—

I gasped and froze. Oh my god… I felt my stomach knot.

Adam’s jacket.

The same one he’d left at my house after saving my life. The one I’d packed to return to him and forgot.

Hands trembling violently, I reached into the bag and slowly pulled out his jacket. I held it out in front of me, staring with water-blurred eyes. I let out a sob and pulled it hard into my chest, hugging it tightly like my life depended on it. I fell back against the pillows with the jacket tucked into my arms as I sobbed. I buried my nose into the collar and inhaled deeply. I bawled harder when the overwhelmingly familiar and amazing scent of Adam filled my nostrils. It was almost like having him here in my arms right now. I hugged it tighter, curling up around it. Again, I could sense him. I could feel his warmth, his chest rumbling against mine as he chuckled quietly, his strong arms wrapped tightly around me, his warm breath as he sang quietly against my hair...

I needed to get out of here to stop having his presence around all the time. I was mourning. But this… I could keep this one thing. I couldn’t ever let my baby go completely.

“ _Adaaaam_ ,” I bemoaned into the collar, squeezing the life out of the precious jacket.

I cried until my eyes ran dry and my throat went raw. I strained and exhausted myself enough to practically pass out.

Tomorrow would be the first day of the rest of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the countdown begins. 3 chapters left to go. o_o  
> Back to regular alternation between POVs


	52. Selfish?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally like 4000 words when it was finished. I decided to "just check it over" and ended up adding 2,500 more. Yikes.
> 
> Enjoy!

Adam:

A few days passed since I basically became homeless. The funny thing about that was that it was the least of my problems. I just spent all day wandering around outside like a zombie with no idea where he was going or why he was going there. The occasional bump in the road came at night when the streets were dangerous and I had no safe haven to return to.

My biggest concern was still Sauli. If I was to guess, I’d say it’d been maybe four days since I’d been kicked out of the hospital? And for the past few days, I’d find my way to the hospital in attempt to just check if Sauli was alive, which I was almost certain he wasn’t, but I couldn’t help the desperate need to make _sure._ However, the closest I could get to the place was crouching in some bushes nearby. I could never even get to the fucking front doors because of all the beefy security guards looming around at every entrance and pathway. I knew perfectly well that it was all for me. They’d never been there before I’d been chased out.

But today… there was no one.

I’d almost given up and stopped coming because there was no way they’d let Sauli live this long. Maybe they had no point in guarding anymore because Sauli was gone? Or maybe they stopped because they thought I’d given up or disappeared somewhere? Whatever. It didn’t really matter what the reason was. I just wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste.

I was dressed pretty normally compared to my normal attire: simple blue jeans, white shirt, and a black jacket. You know… the works. I made sure my arms were covered… I didn’t need to scare anyone. I didn’t want to stand out at all. I needed to be as ordinary and unrecognizable as possible if I was to pull this off.

I felt jittery as I approached the front doors, looking around quickly. I felt like someone was going to appear out of nowhere and tackle me. And hey, it wasn’t my paranoia this time. There were probably… likely… _maybe_ security guards staked out in hidden places just waiting for me to strike… Okay, I was being paranoid. Whatever.

The smell of sanitizer slapped me like a Dakota the moment I walked into the lobby. Ugh, it always made me woozy. I was jumpy as fuck as I crossed the waiting room and people looked up at me in curiosity. I was practically waiting for someone to start screaming and calling out for security, but… no one did. I tried not to glare at anyone’s annoyingly tentative expressions.

I made my way over to the front desk, heart starting to skip a few beats as I did so. I tried to look relaxed as I approached the desk, but the presence of the entire hospital made me uneasy. It felt like death. I took a deep breath and tuned everything but my goal out. The receptionist looked like a naïve, lonely teenager who didn’t get much attention from the male crowd. That was of course an assumption and I was pretty good at those… Sauli not included. Shut up. I hadn’t been _completely_ wrong about him, right?

As soon as I saw her, I leaned over the desk onto my elbows, put on a small smirk, and waited. Completely oblivious, she didn’t even notice me standing there for a several seconds. This might be easier than I’d thought. I cleared my throat gently. The moment the receptionist looked up at me, her brown eyes widened.  For a second, I thought she’d been informed of me and recognized me, but nope, she just looked nervous, like she’d never seen a young male before. I was so going to take advantage of her mousiness.

“I’m here for a patient, Sauli Koskinen?” With effort, my voice was smooth and silky.

I tried my best to throw as much fake charm as I could into how I talked. It was pretty funny and it sounded ridiculous to me, but it seemed to work. Were girls really this easy and I’d never noticed? They seemed to be more intimidated by me than I’d ever been by them.

The pretty receptionist’s mouth popped open just slightly. She blinked several times at my face and looked awestruck. I had never understood how I could be appealing to anyone, and I still didn’t get it. How some people found me attractive in the _slightest_ was beyond me. I waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. She blinked again and her eyes came into focus.

“Um, y-yes,” she stammered as she looked around her desk like she didn’t know where she was. “Let me check for you.”

Her hands shook slightly as she typed into her keyboard. I watched, bemused. Her eyes scanned the screen as she scrolled. Her brow furrowed and she bit her lip, looking slightly confused. I started getting a bit nervous just watching her expressions, but I tried to keep my face smooth. After a couple moments, she peered up at me.

“There seems to be nothing in the current list of admitted patients for a Mr. Kus-keen-een…?”

I felt my charismatic mask crack slightly. I started to tremble a little. I took my arms off the counter and hid them behind me so it wouldn’t show. While trying to look as calm as possible, I swallowed the aching lump in my throat.

I nearly croaked as I asked, “Are you sure you spelled it right? K-O-S-K-I-N-E-N…?” I spelled it slowly out and desperately.

The receptionist nodded with every letter I gave her and then shook her head at me again. “No, sorry, he’s not in the patient list. Maybe he checked out?”

My voice came out in a whisper, struggling to talk. “Yes, probably,” I lied and pushed off of the counter. “Thank you for your time.”

I felt foggy and sick. My stomach churned. He was really gone…

“S-sir, are you alright?” The receptionist sounded muffled to my ears. “If you’d like, I can check the check-out list?”

Hah, like that would make a difference. There was no way he would ever check out. As if by some miracle, he woke up. _Even_ if he did, how could he leave so soon? Didn’t that shit take time to recover? Wouldn’t he have mental problems? If he was still here or even _alive,_ he would be in that patient list, but he’s not.

I was about to tell her to go ahead and check just to humor her, but before I could get a word out, I was interrupted.

“HEY!”

I whipped around to the sound of the gruff voice. My heart sank as I saw a stocky security guard marching toward me.

Shit! I was spotted.

Adrenaline kicked in and I quickly glanced around at everyone’s startled faces. They were going to get a scene if I didn’t get out of here now.

The guard rushed to grab me, but he only managed to pinch a bit of my shirt before I spun around and smacked him hard in the face with side of my hand, sending him stumbling a few feet back. Weak fucker. People in the waiting room gasped, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see the receptionist press the panic alert button under her desk. Shit, now everyone knew I was here. I threw her something between a sad look and a glare before I bolted out of the room. I barrelled out the front doors like a runaway train.

It wasn’t a total disaster. At least I got the information I went there for.

I sprinted as fast as my legs would carry me, blindly running as far as I could. After just a few minutes, my heart was thrashing and I was gasping for air. I was so out of shape. It wasn’t my fault though. It wasn’t like you could exercise when your body was constantly damaged. After I was sure I wasn’t being chased by anyone, I slowed down and walked the painstakingly long way from the hospital to the clearing in the park close by the school where I’d come out to Sauli. This was the place I stayed every night. I couldn’t think of anywhere better. Here, I felt closer to _him._

No one bothered coming here at night except for the weekends when the college kids would come out to drink. There happened to be rogue beer bottles and cigarettes in the most random places. The wildlife never bothered me either. Maybe they were intimidated by me? Yeah right. Since Sauli, I wouldn’t be able to mildly frighten a small child during a horror movie if I wanted to.

I just wished the nights weren’t so cold and _lonely_. I didn’t have a blanket or a pillow, and my neck felt like it would be permanently stiff. But, sleeping on the ground was definitely something I could deal with for now though. I had bigger issues ahead.

I had nightmares every night. They weren’t anything specific and there were no doppelgangers of myself… that I could remember, but I’d still jolt awake in the middle of the night with a cold sweat and panting from terror. I thought maybe the cause for these were from my molestation. That whole scarring experience left me agitated and nervous all the time. I became much more suspicious and wary of everyone. I constantly tried to recover and tell myself that it was over and that none of it was my fault, but I doubted I ever would completely heal because I found myself shaking every night, and not just from the night air, but from the _fear._ I was always terrified that someone would just jump out of nowhere and hurt me more. I couldn’t handle more. And I didn’t even want to describe the aftermath of the abuse to my crotch… it still made me cringe in pain every time I brushed against it, but at least that would heal soon.

I arrived in the very same spot where Sauli and I’d been together.

I sank down into the long grass, exactly where I’d sat before. I stared for a long time at where Sauli’d begged me to talk to him. I tried to imagine him right there, just like before. I longed to reach out and pull him to me; to inhale his familiar scent; to tell him how much I loved him; to never let go of him… but I knew I’d just grab air. He wasn’t here. He never would be again.

Tears were flowing down my face endlessly and I hadn’t even noticed, yet I didn’t feel completely anguished and broken. I didn’t know what to feel. It’s like I didn’t yet understand that he’s dead. The loss just wouldn’t sink in. It refused to, and that bothered me greatly. I wasn’t denying that Sauli was dead, but that whole idea wouldn’t settle in and take over for some reason, even though I wanted it to. It _should._ I should feel destroyed that my other half was dead. But all I could do was sit here blankly. Why couldn’t I sense it the very moment he died? I thought I’d feel it immediately. Lovers were supposed to be like that. Were we not as close as I thought? I didn’t understand.

I sat completely still and continued to stare quietly ahead for what seemed like forever. The random tears stopped a while ago. I ended up thinking horrid things to myself to the point of depression where I couldn’t even cry my pain away, but the lump in my throat seemed to last. The nagging thought in my head that Sauli was dead was the only glimmer of feeling left. There were no emotions I could access to soothe me. I couldn’t feel. I felt like a statue; an emotionless shell.

Admittedly, I did think about suicide… mostly because I felt obligated to. The empty feeling was worse than sobbing in despair for my loss. I couldn’t live with this hollowness. Sauli’d brought emotions back to me, and now that he was gone, they seemed to follow. I didn’t want that. I liked being human. Without Sauli… I just couldn’t deal anymore. How was I supposed to just be a soulless bag of bones that wandered around aimlessly? Look at what my life had truly become.

There was absolutely nothing left to live for.

What did I have? I should have done it a long time ago… before I’d met Sauli… That way, neither of us would have had to live and _die_ through this. He would have continued life as perfectly as it’d appeared. He would have graduated with the highest GPA, gone to university, made _something_ of himself, gotten married to a nice girl, had a few kids... The way it was supposed to be; the way I could _never_ have. And I could have escaped my father by ending it right then when I’d first had the thought, instead selfishly of dragging the one person who meant anything to me down into my mess.

All the quick ways to end it swirled around in my head… but I realized I didn’t want it to be quick. I wanted myself to suffer for everything I’d done to Sauli. I deserved the agony. I deserved it for tainting and destroying a life that had so much potential. It needed to be slow and excruciating. At least that way, I could _feel_ again before I left the world. Pain was a sensation. I was desperate for some sort of feeling.

The thought of stabbing myself in the gut and wrists and letting myself bleed out slowly came to me in an alarmingly casual manner. I seemed to have no problem with it, like I was noting the weather or something.

Wobbling, I slowly stood up and waited a moment to assure my balance. I left the clearing and looked around for anything sharp enough to do damage. I was about to step into the heavily tree-crowded forest in my search, but my feet wouldn’t carry me any further in that direction. Just looking at the density of the forest was making me dizzy. The thought of being raped again kept unwantedly jabbing into my head.

I shook the crude thoughts away and turned on my heel to walk away before it got worse. I continued searching. I found a couple of jagged rocks that could potentially be useful, but were they enough to kill me?

Eventually, I found a beer bottle just lying around as if waiting for me to find it. Too easy… it was like the world was just asking me to do it. I leaned down and slowly wrapped my fingers around the neck of the bottle, feeling my stomach twist as I did so. I waited about two beats and then swung it at the tree next to me. Glass shattered and shards flew out everywhere. Random pieces cut into my gripping hand. I cringed, but didn’t bother trying to avoid the rest of the flying glass. All that was left in my grasp was the long neck of the bottle with long, jagged, and lethal ends.

I straightened out again, taking in deep breaths. I stared hard at the weapon in my bloody hand. Crimson dripped from my clenched fingers and stained the grass by my feet. The big pieces had cut deep without much effort. Perfect. I felt small stinging pains on my face and neck where tiny shards had sliced into me.

Strangely, as eager as I was to do this, I felt my cheeks drenched as I headed back to the clearing. Why was I crying? I didn’t feel sad about this; I couldn’t. But the tears turned into sobs and the broken bottle felt heavy in my aching hand.

I entered the clearing. There was nowhere I’d rather die than the place where the changes in my life had started. Hopefully someone would find me eventually. I sighed brokenly and took off my shirt. I glared blankly at my stomach. My bruises had faded to the point where they were barely-there splotches of yellow… I’d never noticed how much I healed... I’d been too busy deteriorating over Sauli for a few months. I looked too thin for that very same reason. I could see my ribs poking out. I tried to ignore my arms though. Those were scars that would probably never fade.

I fell to my knees, gripping the broken bottle sharp-end toward me with both bleeding hands. I pressed the jagged ends against the soft skin directly below my ribcage. I could do this fast, but I wanted to feel every twinge of pain. I breathed hard and heavily, readjusting my grip on the neck several times. I pressed the tips harder into my flesh. I cringed from, but also welcomed the sting of the sharpness. I pushed it harder and whimpered out when I felt the points break skin and sink in slightly. I pushed them in just a bit more, biting my lip and squeezing my teary eyes shut from the pain.

An unexpected angry and familiar hiss broke into my head.

_Selfish is all you are._

My eyes flashed open and I stared straight ahead as I felt a trail of blood run down my belly. That one interruption in my thoughts suddenly cleared my head to the degree where every affliction escaped me momentarily.

That’s when it dawned on me.

For all of my sad existence, I kept escaping death. Over and over, I survived all of my beatings and horrid misfortune. But all of that was over. And right now, the only real danger to my life… was my own self.

To myself, I’d promised that I would eventually end everything. But because of Sauli’s presence, I’d completely forgotten about all of that. He’d made me see how incredible my future could be; how pleasant life could be. Maybe that’s why Sauli’d come into my life. Maybe fate wasn’t trying to tear us apart from the very beginning; maybe it meant for us to meet in order to keep me from suicide.

Maybe I was meant to live.

Maybe Sauli’s purpose had been to help me find my way, and once he’d finished that purpose, he’d expired. Like a guardian angel of sorts, keeping an eye on me so I wouldn’t do anything stupid. And once I was strong enough on my own, Sauli had to leave me…

I guess “fate” didn’t account for me falling in love with Sauli to the point where it was near impossible to live without him.

But if there truly was a reason I was meant to live… what was it? And how come I had so much abusive shit shoved into face my entire life that either brought me close to death or made me want to kill myself? Were they all some kind of bullshit tests created by the “universe” to test my willpower or some crap? Fuck that shit.

But… if I were to kill myself right now, wouldn’t I just be spitting on Sauli’s hard work?

Selfish.

I realized I couldn’t do that to Sauli. I couldn’t have let him die for nothing. Even if he hadn’t died, so many things had tried to separate us because his time with me was over. Sauli wouldn’t want me to do this. He gave me all the tools to a better life, and I was about to waste them all.  He gave up his everything to give me a slight spark of hope. Sauli would have wanted me to move on with my life with my new strength and start over properly.

So maybe I did have something to live for…

Myself.

And maybe that was the lesson Sauli’d been meant to teach me?

Was living the most self _less_ and gracious thing I could do for him?

I started to shake a little, disturbed, yet appeased by my thoughts. I looked down at the broken bottle in my hands and the small streams of blood running down my gut. I gasped in true realization at what I was attempting and emotion finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Searing pain ran throughout me. I felt like a fog had suddenly disappeared and now I could really see. I was instantly terrified of the glass that would be the end to _everything_. What the hell was I doing?

The bottle suddenly felt burning hot in my hands. I flung the death weapon away and scrambled backward, falling onto my ass. I was breathing hard as I watched the bottle shatter against a nearby tree. Leaning back onto my hands, I sat there for a long minute, staring wide-eyed at the broken glass splayed out under the tree.

I felt a tickle on my belly and when I looked down, I started panicking a little. Instinctively, I slammed my hands over the small, still bleeding puncture wounds below my ribcage. I started crying from _pain_ as I applied pressure with violently shaking hands. Oh god, what did I do? I only had the use of my bare hands to help me. These things were going to get infected.

I brought my trembling hands up in front of my face and choked on a sob when I saw the dripping crimson covering my palms. I didn’t think I cut into myself that deep? Maybe an inch or something, but I was still bleeding at an alarming rate.

I’d originally intended to go much, much deeper before the (surprising) voice of “reason” made me stop. Well, actually… I doubted _he’d_ been talking about Sauli. Probably himself. If I got rid of me, I’d get rid of him. It didn’t matter now what that parasite’s intentions were. I just needed to first and foremost stop this bleeding.

I knew I wouldn’t die from this. Wounds this shallow couldn’t kill me unless I let myself bleed out for a long time. I put my palms over the punctures again and pressed hard. I glanced down at my stomach and cringed. It was completely smeared in red. I looked like I just crawled out of a horror movie. I almost felt bad for whoever would find this clearing later and see the bloody grass. I sat upright and held my gut as tightly as possibly. I was really trying to stay calm. It wouldn’t help me anyway if I freaked out. But the pressure from my hands wasn’t working well enough on their own. The liquid still managed to seep out from between my fingers. I was starting to feel kind of fuzzy. Oh shit. Not good.

I breathed deeply and slowly. I sat there until some blood had dried and stuck my hands to my skin. I scanned the clearing. A black object confused me for a split second, and I mentally punched myself several times in the face when I realized I still had my backpack of shit here. I scrambled up to my feet and stumbled over to it, still keeping one hand on my damaged abdomen. With my free, blood-crusted hand, I unzipped my backpack, pulled out an old rag of a shirt and my little make-shift stitching kit. I didn’t know if they were deep enough for stitches, but I thought better safe than sorry.

It took longer to prepare everything with one hand, especially since I kept stopping to cringe from the pain. And it was a lot harder to be precise and sew myself back together when my hands were shaky as fuck and blood was muddying up my view. The obnoxious wounds had shut the fuck up momentarily, and I took the opportunity to quickly pull the thread through them multiple times. I winced every time I poked the needle through my skin. After I secured the stitching and finished, I tore the rag shirt with my teeth into strips and tied it tightly around my abdomen. When I was completely done with everything, I let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t know how bad the internal damage was, but other than the obvious, I felt alright. I doubted it was bad if I’d never gotten too deep.

When I managed to relax again, my thoughts returned to me. I looked at my body, including the scars on my arms and the bandages around my gut. It made me sad to notice that almost everything that was permanently etched on me was my own doing, not my father’s.

I wrapped my arms tightly around my waist and squeezed. “I’m sorry…” I mumbled quietly to my body. I was better than this. “Never again…”

I was covered in blood and I reeked of blood. My face and hands were also cut up. I needed to clean myself up. Some washroom at a facility would be of much use to me. I pulled on a hoodie to cover the dried blood and bandages and headed out for a washroom somewhere, keeping my scary hands in my pockets and my head hung low.

An hour later, now somewhat clean and not terrifying, I was on my way back to school. Why?

I decided that for Sauli, I’d do it.

I’d live. I mean, _really_ live.

It was like a strange washroom epiphany.

No matter how much Sauli’s death tore at me at times, I would have to push through. It was what Sauli would have wanted. And the first step to starting over was finishing high school, no matter how much I hated it. I had to do it. I thought maybe I could go there and beg them to take me back. I could do it. I could focus on my studies now that I knew my life wasn’t a time-bomb. Those days of beatings and pain were over. I could get a job. I could rent an apartment. I could do it. I _would_ do it.

For Sauli, I would do it all.

School was the first thing on my list, because at least then I’d have somewhere to be every day and not wandering around. A job would be second, and a place to live would be third.

The school wasn’t too far away. Actually, the walk seemed a whole hell of a lot shorter now that I wasn’t wincing with every step, well… except for the stinging in my gut, but that was my fault. And I swore that no one would ever know what I’d done.

School should have ended by now, at least I thought so. That way, I wouldn’t run into too many people I knew on my way to the office. The best thing I could do was at least try to be accepted back. I could make some promise about “changing my ways” and “working hard”…some crap like that.

I made my way onto the campus and stared at the ground as I passed by the few students still around. So far, so good… no one even looked at me. Just like the good old days, huh Adam? I guessed it was probably because my clothes were different.

And if this place didn’t take me back, I would try some other schools around. Distance wouldn’t matter because I didn’t have to worry about the proximity to my house… because I had none. Home was wherever I lay down at night.

Or, if no schools bothered with me, I would just try to get a job and work. It didn’t really matter to me. I just couldn’t give up on myself. I owed Sauli that much. I owed him my life and the path he so selflessly carved for me.

“Adam?!”

I reflexively whipped around and looked for the source of the alarmed voice. My heart sank when my eyes landed on Alex… who just looked like he was about to crap his pants.

Alex muttered, “Oh shit.”

My thoughts exactly.

My stomach knotted in nerves as he ran over to me with full-blown eyes.

I considered fight or flight, but my feet decided to glue themselves to the spot I was standing. I couldn’t figure out if I was scared to the bone that he wanted to take out his revenge on me or what.

I flinched and squeezed my eyes shut out of reflex when Alex reached me and immediately lifted his hands. I waited for a hit, but there was no sharp contact… My eyes fluttered open in surprise when I felt Alex patting my head, shoulders, chest, and pretty much everything above the waist as he circled me, staring with bright eyes like I was some sort of fascinating alien technology. I was shocked stiff and frozen.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked with a higher voice than normal.

Alex came back to my front and stepped back, realizing that he was crossing some lines. He held out his palms in apology.

“S-sorry,” he stuttered.

I threw him a “ _you’re batshit insane”_ look. Alex appeared so nervous and flabbergasted. What was up with him? There was something different about him other than the stupid expression on his face. I felt a twinge of sickening guilt when I finally noticed the small, but very apparent scar I’d left on his face, from his cheek to the top of his lip.

Ignoring my apologetic expression, Alex psychotically blurted, “You’re alive?!”

I furrowed my brows and plastered on a sarcastic expression. I was so confused. Was he serious right now?

“Um, obviously…?” I said, gesturing to all of me.

Did Alex think I’d killed myself after what happened to Sauli…? Did other people think that as well? So basically, everyone probably knew how pathetic I was without him. Great…

Alex pulled me out of my annoyed thoughts by suddenly grabbing my shoulders.

“Oh my god,” Alex practically yelled as he shook me back and forth irritatingly.

“What?” I asked frantically as Alex jostled me. “And will you stop that?!”

Alex’s hands on my shoulders went still. I glared at him. I didn’t fucking have time for this lunatic.

Alex stared worriedly and intently into my eyes and said, “Sauli thinks you’re dead.”

He shrunk back a little as if bracing for me to freak out.

Instead I rolled my eyes and felt the suspenseful energy dissipate. I almost chuckled to myself at the false alarm. I reached up and brushed Alex’s hands off of my shoulders. Alex looked surprised and confused.

“You’re mistaken then. Clearly, I’m not the one who’s dead,” I said, but my voice barely came out as I continued, “Sauli is.”

Alex’s eyes widened for the millionth time and he ran a tense hand through his hair. He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Holy shit. You’re an _idiot,”_ he barked.

My eyes narrowed into slits.

Alex exasperatedly threw his arms. “Sauli is _alive._ I talked to him _yesterday._ Why the hell would you think he’s dead? _”_

“Well, why would you think I’m dead?” I challenged.

“He told me!”

My expression didn’t change. Now I was just pissed off. Was this his idea of a tease? Was he seriously trying to bring my hopes and then crush them as some sort of sick joke? How could he do that when I was so heartbroken? How low could he fucking go?

“Uh huh,” I spat as I shoved hard past Alex and started walking toward the school building.

I felt fingers wrap around my wrist and jerk me back. I whipped back around to Alex and gave him the most lethal glare.

“Get. Your. Fucking. Hand. Off. _Now.”_ My voice was hissy and laced with venom.

I could feel pure anger starting to build up in me, and I knew that the outcome wouldn’t be good if he didn’t listen to me.

Alex immediately dropped his hand like I’d electrocuted him. He took a step back, looking practically terrified. I huffed and started to stiffly walk away again. Alex didn’t try to stop me, but he wasn’t giving up either. I could hear his footsteps behind me.

“Stop!” I heard him call out behind me. “Just listen to me!” I picked up my speed. “Adam, _please!_ I’m sorry!”

“Leave me alone,” I growled as I kept my eyes locked on the school doors not too far ahead.

Alex went into a slow jog beside me. Out of my peripheral, he looked desperate. “Look, I’m sorry for _everything_ I’ve done to you.” My steps faltered a beat but then picked back up. “I’m sorry for ever laying a hand on you, I’m sorry for every name I’ve called you, I’m sorry for every time I’d hurt you in any way. I didn’t mean any of it and you know it! I know there’s no way you’re going to believe me—”

“You’re right. I _don’t,”_ I seethed. I felt my blood boil. If he didn’t stop soon, I would have no control over whether or not he’d see the light of day again.

 _“—_ but please, at least stop and hear me out! I want to help you!”

“You’ve done _enough,”_ I spat viciously. I spared Alex a look as he tried to keep up with my fast-walk, slicing into him with daggers from my eyes. I could hear him panting as he finally stopped following me.

I heard his frantic plea behind me, “Adam, please, just for a minute, STOP!”

I groaned and whipped around. I yelled, “Fine! What the fuck do you want?!”

Alex looked slightly afraid and taken aback. My patience was dying a quick death. Alex may be taller than me, but I towered over him in presence right now. He looked speechless for a minute and I wanted to snap his neck. All of that begging and suddenly he didn’t have anything to say? I could feel my anger starting to reach the peak of no return.

I heard an echoing voice chuckle darkly in my head.

Oh no…

Alex better hurry the fuck up before _he_ took over.

“ _Well?”_ I snapped quickly, trying to get something out of him before it was too late.

I was almost afraid for Alex. The scar on his face was taunting me, and I knew if I were to snap now, the damage would be far greater than that. The angrier I got, the less significant he became.

Alex blinked, seemingly coming back down to earth. He cleared his throat, and I could tell his thoughts were racing, trying to figure out where to start.

His words came out in the rush, “Listen carefully, I’m begging you. Sauli came by yesterday—” I rolled my eyes. “—and dropped out of school. Don’t give me that look. Ask any of the teachers, not just me. And when I asked him why he was leaving, he told me he’s going back to Finland because you’re dead.”

I stared long and hard at Alex. I felt my heart start to flutter and my anger kick down a notch. My thoughts were a mess of confusion. Was this why I hadn’t felt anything when Sauli supposedly died? How could he have woken up from the coma? Even if he managed that, how could he have recovered so fast? It didn’t make any sense. And why would he decide to go to Finland so quickly? Didn’t he even try to find me? How could he think I was dead…? Oh wait… right. I fucking told him. Shit. And I did almost go through with it. He was alive…?

Wait, wait, wait, and _wait._ I was already over-thinking this. I could feel my hope rise just from Alex’s words, but I easily shoved it down again. 

“And how do I know you’re not just lying to me for kicks? Why would I _ever_ believe anything you tell me?” I asked, crossing my arms defensively.

Alex thought about that for a moment. “…What other choice have you got?” My face fell. “Ignore me or believe he’s dead, either way, you lose him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, yesterday, he told me he was leaving tomorrow, which means _today._ You’re already wasting time just questioning me. I don’t know what time he’s leaving. So if you don’t figure something out now, he’s gone.”

I felt my stomach sink to the floor.

I was starting to panic a little on the inside, but what was the point of that? I didn’t believe him. I desperately wanted to, but I couldn’t. Yet, there was still that small speck of _maybe._

Alex could _very_ easily be lying. But if he wasn’t… then I’d let Sauli slip through my fingers.

It couldn’t hurt to go to the airport and check, right?

If this wasn’t true, all I would lose was a small beam of hope, tears, and a sense of trust toward people, but if it was true and I didn’t do anything about it, I’d lose much more.

I glanced over at Alex who was now staring hard at his phone and scrolling fast.

“What are you doing?” I asked quietly, trying to keep a calm demeanor. I didn’t want it to look like I believed him.

Alex barely threw me a look as he replied, “Checking the flight schedule.”

I was stunned by how serious he was. I didn’t say anything though. I waited a few minutes agitatedly and dramatically tapped my foot as if I had somewhere better to be. But in all honesty, I was engaged in this. The idea that Sauli _could_ be alive was surreal. I kept my hopes down, but stayed curious. I knew not to expect much when and _if_ I went to the airport.

I felt my stomach knot when Alex’s face paled. That wasn’t the face of someone who could be lying to me. I knew Alex, and he was a terrible actor. There was no way he faked that expression.

“What?” My voice cracked slightly.

Alex stared into my eyes wildly. “The only flight to Helsinki today leaves in an hour.”

I felt slightly lightheaded. I had a strong urge to curl up into a ball on the ground. It couldn’t be true.

I was so reluctant to go, but why? Oh, maybe because I didn’t want to find out I’d been lied so cruelly to. I had to scrape any last pieces of dignity and self-worth I had just to find the will to live. I didn’t want the _last bit_ of my humanity to be crushed just because my decision to trust somebody again was in vain. Even if he was telling the truth, I didn’t want to risk it. I was still so close to breaking.

“I’ll never make it in time anyway, “I muttered, all excuses and no gumbo. “By the time a taxi comes…”

Alex snapped his phone shut and glared as if he saw right through me. “I’ll take you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I suck for these damned cliffhangers.
> 
> REVIEW OR NO NEXT CHAPTER >:O muhahaha
> 
> 2 more... I think. x) and then an epilogue. 
> 
> ALSO, check out my new saulbert ficlet, "Anytime" if you haven't done so already.  
> I fully realize the lack of sex and happiness in this so... I uploaded that short fic just to make up for it. Hope you like it. :)


	53. Leaving You Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Over a month since I last updated. Don't kill me. Let's see... I have three final chapters ready to go for you guys :) Gonna upload them all today, but probably one by one. Here we go! We're ending!

Sauli:

The airport was fast approaching.

I stared blankly out the window of the taxi, watching the scenery pass me by in a blur. It was bittersweet to know that these were my last few moments here. Admittedly, I would miss the gorgeous surroundings. If I could take this wonderful heat and weather back with me to Finland, I would.

Other than the rumble of the engine, it was a silent ride. I didn’t want to have any sort of conversation with the driver. And I guessed he could sense my melancholy energy since he didn’t bother trying to make small talk. I was entirely grateful for that. I didn’t trust my voice right now. I felt like if I were to open my mouth, all that would come out is some strange, strangled cry. Yeah, not pleasant.

The quiet in the air plus the smoothness of the ride as we cruised down the highway was actually rocking me to sleep. I was struggling to keep my eyes open.

Clutched tightly to my chest like a lifeline was my gym bag that carried the last of my belongings. It also carried Adam’s jacket and a little extra something that I couldn’t bear to throw away. I had tried to get rid of the jacket earlier, but I just couldn’t. Yes, I did want to escape this place because Adam’s presence and memories everywhere were killing me, but this jacket… I needed it. I needed a tiny reminder that he’d been real. I hadn’t been able to peel my fingers off of it and let it fall into the motel garbage can. You would have had to break my fingers off to get me to release it.

It’d taken every last bit of my energy to drag myself off that hotel bed to make the flight. I’d just wanted to lay there with Adam’s jacket, pretending he was there with me until I withered away to nothing. I couldn’t believe I was really doing this and leaving, but I also couldn’t spend one more day here. I wouldn’t be able to handle another day of _feeling_ Adam everywhere.

Before I’d left for the airport, I’d actually gone back to Adam’s house. Oh, what a perfect way to move on: Go to your dead boyfriend’s house where it was the last place you ever saw him.

But, I had to do it. I needed closure.

When I’d gotten there, the house was still vacant and unlocked, to my surprise. Of course, I’d been shaking excessively when I’d entered the house, but I’d managed to keep my head down away from the dried blood and run straight to the stairs. I’d entered Adam’s room and had started crying almost immediately. Everything had pulsed so strongly of _him_ that it’d been almost like he was in the room. I’d looked over at the bed, still messy from the best moment of my life, and felt violently sick.

There were a couple of things that were still strange to me though. A few items were missing from where I remembered seeing them, likeclothes and Adam’s little notebook that had once been very apparent on his otherwise empty desk. That had confused me for a minute, but then I figured that people had gone in there and stolen things since the place was completely abandoned. I felt terrible someone had Adam’s personal songs to themselves, but back at his house, that realization reminded me of something…

I had run over to Adam’s bed and fought the overwhelming urge to just roll around in his covers and stay there forever. I’d searched around that area for a long minute until I’d finally found it.

Map.

Adam’s song for me. My hands had been trembling while gripping the sides. My throat had felt tight and I’d felt a river of tears drip down to the floor as I read over those lyrics again.

_I don’t need to wander anymore... I have found what I’ve been looking for…_

Remember that strangled cry I was so afraid of letting out right now in the cab? Yeah, that had made its first appearance back at Adam’s house. It’d ripped out of my throat when I’d finished reading over his beautiful song again.

It wasn’t fucking fair. How was I supposed to live stably when a huge part of me was gone forever? He’d written me something like this. He was dead. I couldn’t cope with that fact.

_You’ll always light the path…_

Dammit, Adam. Just because you thought I was gone didn’t mean that “path” was gone too. What a waste. What an idiot! I couldn’t accept that he’d followed through with it. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t ever let him hurt himself again because I knew he was unstable. He’d been healing though! I’d thought he finally was strong enough on his own. I guess my being in coma had destroyed any progress we’d made… He’d probably reverted back to his old, fragile self. And thinking I was dead pushed him over the edge.

But, no matter what happened to me… didn’t he realize that killing himself wasn’t what I would ever want him to do? How would that solve anything? Murdering yourself wasn’t the answer and the escape people desperately sought. It was just giving up… on everything you had potential for. It was surrendering to the world and admitting you were worthless. This was never true… And I’d thought Adam had more dignity than to give up after everything he’d been through. I wished he’d appear for a minute just so I could scream at him. I came out of a coma for him. I loved him enough to hold onto my life because I knew it meant the world to him. I just wished someone had told him I was going to be alright before he crumbled.

I’d gently folded the song and placed it inside of Adam’s jacket in my bag. There was no way in hell I was going to leave this beautiful thing there for someone else to find and throw away. It was rightfully mine and always would be. Now I didn’t only have proof that he’d been real, but I also knew that he’d been _mine._

I hadn’t even bothered telling my parents that I was going home _._ I figured they didn’t care. I didn’t ever want to see or hear them again, not after what they put Adam through. I didn’t really care about how they treated me, but to make Adam feel like shit for loving me… It crossed so many lines. Plus, I was pretty sure my relatives in Finland would call them anyway once I got there. It would probably have been better if I called my extended family to let them know I was coming, but oh well. Surprises were nice, right?

“Kid, didn’t you hear me? We’re here,” I heard my driver mutter gruffly.

I blinked and came back to reality. Looking around, I realized that the cab wasn’t moving. Out of the window, I stared up at the huge airport and felt my stomach flutter.

“Right, sorry,” I mumbled incoherently as I dug through my bag for the money I owed him. I handed him the wad of cash and muttered, “Thanks for the ride,” as I climbed out of the passenger seat.

I entered the airport and the hustle of everyone trying to make their flights hit me. Have you ever felt so alone in a crowd? I was having one of those moments right now. I looked around for a bit and my eyes landed on a giant screen. The flight schedules alternated on the screen. I scanned the listings until I found my flight. Okay, good. I was on time.

I checked in quickly and grabbed my boarding pass. Going through the security system and customs were a pain and it seemed endless. I didn’t bother checking in my bag; it was coming with me as a carry-on. I got scanned, prodded, questioned, etc. The whole time, I was thinking about Adam. I fought hard not to burst out and start crying in the middle of the airport like a lost child. I would have plenty of time for that when I arrived home.

I missed him and needed him like air. I was collapsing on the inside at the thought of forgetting about the amazing things that had happened here with him, but I also couldn’t bear to be in a place where his presence was a constantly nagging reminder of what _almost_ was. Maybe in Finland, I would feel better and more relaxed since it was a fresh start.

Oh, who the fuck was I kidding? I’d hurt no matter where I went. The love of my life was _dead,_ for fuck’s sake. I would never see him again.

When the process was all finally over, I headed off to my gate which was on the other side of the airport. My legs ached by the time I finally got there.

I sat by my gate doors, waiting. My flight was to leave in thirty minutes. The entire wall to my side was made out of glass. You could see out onto the runway and all the planes on standby, including mine. I gazed at nothing out the window for a while, avoiding any contact with the people near me. With fifteen minutes left, they finally started boarding passengers. I got up and got in line, being one of the last to get on.

I suddenly felt really weird… I couldn’t describe it. There were zero memories of Adam here, and yet… I felt him. His aura was tingling at the back of my neck. Why…?

I ignored it. It was probably because of how much I missed him. I headed to the front of the line and handed the flight attendant my boarding pass. She checked it over and offered it back to me. I wanted break down and cry at her feet when she offered me a small smile. After making my way slowly onto the plane, I stumbled down the narrow aisle to my seat and plopped down into it, sighing. I checked my watch.

Ten minutes until freedom.

I started to relax as other passengers continued filing in. Feeling emotionally exhausted, I was about ready to pass out. I flatly asked an attendant when we were leaving. He told me that we were taking off right away. I sighed and leaned back into my seat. So fucking close. Come on, already. The last person to come on the plane was some frail-looking old lady. She headed down the aisle toward me. Lo and behold, she stopped by me.

“Excuse me, son,” she mumbled and I shifted to let her pass me to get to her seat. As she did so and sat down, she kept muttering to me. “Trying to have a peaceful flight and there’s a crazy man trying to get on the airplane.” I hummed in response, not really listening. “He keeps screaming some weird name. Of all the inconsiderate… Doesn’t he know there are people with sensitive hearing? The newer generations are so disappointing.”

I tried to ignore her. Yes, it was kind of obnoxious of me, but could you blame me for not wanting to talk to anybody? I was too depressed to really think about what this probably senile old woman was mumbling about.

After the crew went through their quick safety procedures, I could finally hear the engines perk up, and the lady next to me did as well. She flapped her hand at my shoulder frantically as she looked out the window. “I can see the lunatic through the window! Oh my word, he’s still quarreling with those nice security men. What got his panties in a wad? They’re holding him down. Look, there!”

Lady, I didn’t fucking care.

“No thanks,” I mumbled dryly, wanting her to shut up. I didn’t really care who was doing what. I wanted to leave. Now.

The plane finally, _finally_ , started to roll down onto the runway. I closed my eyes in peace. The old lady slapped my shoulder again while her face was glued to the little oval window. I wanted to chuck her out of it. My eyes flew open and I glared at the back of her head just before she said, “He’s all pressed up against the glass now, staring at the plane. They didn’t throw him out? I wonder why he looks so sad.”

That caught my attention for a second. I peered out the window, but it was already too late. We’d turned a corner. I couldn’t see anything now but runway. I shrugged and nestled into my seat again.

“Oh lord, he missed the airplane. Now I feel bad for him,” the old lady buzzed. “I hope it wasn’t for something important.”

I shoved the complimentary ear buds deep into my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping she’d get the message. The plane sped up tremendously. I felt a huge sigh of relief… and _regret_ for some reason the second I felt the tires leave the ground. Within minutes of silence after climbing high into the air, I forced myself to doze off, ready to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more... then epilogue...


	54. Nirvana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well… Last chapter. Oh my god. How bittersweet.
> 
> I’d like to say a few things first… and make sure you read this entire note because come on, I put effort into this.
> 
> First of all, a HUGE MOTHERFUCKING THANK YOU TO MY BETA AND BEST FRIEND, @Glambertx96, whom without, this fanfic would’ve never finished. She helped me step-by-step when I had no clue what direction I wanted to go in at certain times within this fic. She helped me overcome problems when I wanted to just scrap this whole thing and give up. A huge round of applause for her. Without her, there would be no Nirvana.
> 
> It’s been an incredible journey. That sounds stupid since this is a fanfic. Oh well.
> 
> It’s been over 8 months since I started this thing. Could’ve practically had a baby by now… NEVER thought it would take so long or even have more than a hundred hits. Whether you just started reading this a little while ago or have been there since the night I posted it, I just wanted to thank you all for putting up with this depressing-ass story and all the waiting and cliffhangers that came with it. I’ve never understood why people actually got so passionate over this, but I love it so much. I tend to give up easily on projects, but seeing how much people actually wanted me to keep going, well, I just had to then. I promise my later fics won't take months to complete.
> 
> Also, in terms of how the brains within this fic worked... These characters were actually a part of my own self. The way   
> Adam and Sauli’s minds worked were my own dark and light side. They were basically my thoughts personified and given a life. So yeah, I’m kinda fucked up, huh? I mean, I never did their "actions", but certain thought processes and how I viewed the world were stated clearly here.
> 
> And I hope you’ll stick around for more fics! I promise they won’t be as sad! I already have “Anytime” up… which is basically porn. Everyone’s favorite. X)
> 
> I just noticed we surpassed the word count for Twilight by a few thousand. Wow, just thinking of how thick this would be if I printed it out and published it, which can never happen (it's not that good xD). Actual full novel size. Not bad for my first time writing.
> 
> Trying not to forget anything… hmmm. What else…? I’ve had nearly 9 months to think about what I was going to put here in these final “thank you” notes.
> 
> I know I’m forgetting something. Fuck. In my head, this note was going to be longer--- OH.
> 
> Songs! Righttttt.
> 
> There was a whole thing of songs I thought would fit this story. 
> 
> Well, of course, all the ones in this fic obviously fit, but there were other songs not by Adam that I thought were really perfect. But whatever, no one would listen to them anyway.
> 
> Still missing something…
> 
> Oh Well,
> 
> ENJOY!

Adam:

Traffic.

Of course this happened. It was just my luck.

The roads had been perfectly vacant until I decided to show up on them. Well, actually, I hadn’t _decided_ anything. After Alex had told me that he’d been willing to drive, that’s where I’d drawn the line. I’d flat-out refused to go anywhere with him, afraid he’d take me to a ditch and leave me for dead or something. We’d argued for a few minutes before Alex had become increasingly frustrated, telling me that I was wasting every single minute by discussing it. I’d still rejected to go if he was behind the wheel. Eventually, and before I’d known it, he’d quite literally picked me up and half-dragged me to his car. I’d put up a pretty useless fight since my anger had died down so much. Alex had forcefully shoved me into his passenger seat so fast that his aim was completely off and I’d actually smacked my head on the door frame before he tried again and threw me inside.

Noting the dull ache in my head, I stiffly said, “You know this qualifies as kidnapping, right?”

I saw Alex roll his eyes and his hands tightened on the wheel. “You’ll thank me later,” was all he replied without looking at me.

I sighed and my knee jumped impatiently as I stared out the window at the crawling cars. The traffic was so slow, barely budging feet at times, but the vast stretch of runways were within view now.

Fifteen minutes left until “Sauli’s flight” left.

“Only when I believe you’re not lying to me for your own sick humor _and_ we make it in time, I’ll thank you.” I crossed my arms as reinforcement and stared straight ahead at the dirt-speckled windshield. I heard Alex huff.

The rest of the impatient journey remained quiet. It wasn’t like the comfortably content silences between me and Sauli. No, this proved to be beyond awkward. It got to the point where I seriously considered swinging the passenger door open, rolling out onto the road, and running the rest of the way there. The rivalry tension in the air only thickened because we had nothing to say to each other. It wasn’t like we could even make small talk. I hated this so much. Having Alex so close to me only reminded me of every unwanted memory in my head and I could feel my fists clench tighter on my lap. I had to remember that he was my only ride to the airport. I knew the way perfectly, and so far, he hadn’t taken any suspicious turns. If he did, I knew I’d lash out and Alex would probably end up in the hospital again… or worse.

With ten minutes left and no time to spare, we arrived… to my surprise.

He wasn’t lying, was he…?

Alex pulled up to the curb in front of the entrance. Before we even came to a full stop, I flung his fancy sport car door open and attempted to rush out. Alex snatched my wrist to restrain me and I turned to look wildly at him, arm tense in his grasp.

Alex ignored my reaction. He stared hard into my eyes and spoke clearly and sternly as he said, “I will wait here. You’d fucking better bring a Finn with you.”

Taken aback by his words, my eyes widened and my lips parted slightly, but then I narrowed my eyes in determination and bowed my head once as a promise.

“And take this.” Alex reached into the glove box and clamored around in there. He pulled out what appeared to be a card. He held it two inches from my face and spoke slowly, “This is my uncle’s I.D pass… This is also his car… Anyway, he works here on the weekends. There’s no fucking way you can get through security and customs on your own. Use this to go through employee doors and cut straight past security checkpoints. Just don’t get caught.”

I gawked at Alex. I’d completely forgotten about security. I nabbed the pass out of his hand and just blinked at him. Alex released his grip on my arm and gave me a curt nod.

I didn’t know what to say.

 I tried, “Wow, I mean, I really appreciate this. You’re a lifesaver—”

“—Shut up and just go!” he snapped.

“Right, right, sorry,” I muttered. So much for a sentimental moment…

I took no time in jumping out of the car and running my ass off toward the revolving doors. My sudden burst of speed took a toll on the stitches near my stomach. I hissed at the stinging in my wound. I stumbled painfully into the airport and froze immediately. I ogled around the busy lobby, frantic and completely lost. I tried to breathe evenly. Too many people. _Way_ too many people. I wanted to duck away into a shadowed corner somewhere like I was used to. Maybe I could do this by sticking close to the walls and avoiding any and all people where possible?

I shook my head, trying to snap out of it. I spotted a check-in desk in the distance and kicked myself into gear, running over to it as fast as my legs could carry me. I slammed my palms onto the desk, out of breath. The lady attending the desk jumped and looked up at me in alarm. I panted at her like a crazed animal.

“How may I help you… sir?” The lady said, eyes wandering over my disheveled appearance.

Breathless, I asked, “I’m looking for a passenger? I need to know if he checked in.”

“Of course,” she replied and relaxed as she settled her hands over her keyboard. “What’s his name?”

“Sauli Koskinen,” I answered impatiently, eyeing the clock nearby. I felt a twinge of sadness over saying his name.

The lady typed quickly and professionally. I wasn’t expecting anything hopeful from her. I was basically waiting for her to confirm my suspicion of Alex’s lie.

Not wanting to risk any mistakes, I continued, “That’s K-O-S-K-I—”

She nodded at her screen, cutting me off, and then smiled warmly at me. “Yes, he checked in a little while ago. Gate fifty-three.”

My face turned white and my heart plunged to the floor.

“Wait, _what?_ ” I squeaked.

The lady gave me a strange look. “He’s arrived on time…” she said slowly. “Are you alright?”

My heart was thrashing.

No way.

Alex wasn’t lying.

Oh, holy shit.

He’s _alive?_

He’s alive. Oh my god.

My stomach churned violently.

I felt faint.

HOW?!

WHAT THE FUCK?

I didn’t know whether to jump and scream like a child in joy or sink down to the ground and start crying in relief. I felt like a mixture of both, but my physical body stayed frozen stiff. I kind of needed to sit down with my head in between my knees and try to stabilize myself. Talk about overwhelming.

And to think… I’d nearly killed myself thinking he was dead. The constant ache in my gut was a horrid reminder.

I didn’t want to illegally sneak through the airport if I could avoid it. With stinging eyes and a raw throat, I barely managed to croak out, “Can you please call for him?”

She checked her monitor. “I’m sorry, sir, but that flight is about to take off. They’ve already started boarding. If I call him now, he’ll miss the flight.”

That. Is. The . Fucking. Point.

“Look, you don’t understand, he _needs_ to miss that flight.”

She looked at me suspiciously confused. “Why…?  Is there a problem?”

“Just call him!”

“Sir, I’m going to need you to step away,” she said firmly. I could see her hand inching closer to the security button.

My gut flipped at the sound of the intercom:

_“Final boarding call for flight 737 to Helsinki.”_

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

I didn’t have time for this! I groaned and whipped away.

“Sir!” I heard the fucker call out for me as I ran off.

I knew I was probably going to be chased down soon. I sprinted through the airport, desperately looking around. I messily weaved between businessmen, bumping into several bodies. I paused to pull out Alex’s uncle’s pass only to have it fly out of my grasp when some obese mother turned too quickly and wacked my gut with the sharp corner of her huge fucking purse of what felt like rocks. I buckled and cried out, landing on my knees and wrapping my arms around my torso, hugging the stab wound. I sucked in a harsh breath and tried to relax myself from the agony.

When I didn’t feel like I was dying anymore, I panicked and my eyes bounced around the floor between shuffling dress shoes and high heels, looking for the pass. I spotted it as it was kicked and skidded several feet. Not giving a shit about how ridiculous I looked, I scrambled on my hands and knees across the glossy tiles toward the card, snatching it quickly before it could completely disappear from sight.

I got back onto my feet and wasted no time in shooting toward the direction of the security checkpoints. It was packed with people in uniform, keeping a close eye on all the passengers taking off their shoes and scanning their shit. I spotted an employee door close by and nearly leapt for joy. I casually walked over to it, making sure nobody was watching as I unlocked the door with the access card. With one last scrutiny of the lobby, I opened the door just wide enough for me to slip through. I kept my head down as I fast-walked through the narrow, empty hallway. If some official person were to pass me right now, I’d be so screwed. But, luck seemed to be on my side for the first time in ever. I reached the door on the other side without a problem. I slipped out and officially conquered the security checkpoint obstacle.

After that nerve-wracking and not to mention _illegal_ stunt, I made a mad dash toward gate fifty-three as I’d heard the lady at the desk say. It totally wasn’t suspicious to sprint like a maniac through an airport. People probably thought I was late for my flight. My eyes glued to and pleaded with every clock I passed by. Less than five minutes left and I still had a huge stretch of airport to run through. Fuck me. I wasn’t going to make it. I arrived at the gate, panting hard and shaking. From the huge windows, I could see his plane sitting outside. My stomach fluttered at the thought that my love was so _close._ It was true. I could _feel_ him.

I tried to go through the doors of the tunnel that led into the plane, but a slender arm whipped out and blocked my path. I threw the flight attendant in my way a look of desperation.

“Sir, do you have your boarding pass?” She asked calmly.

Ignoring her question, I replied, “I really need to get on that plane.”

“I can’t let you on without your boarding pass.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I just need to go on for a minute and then I’ll come out!” I was on the verge of screaming.

“Not possible.”

I let out a huge, exasperated huff of air. “Then can you get on and go get someone for me? I’m begging you.”

“We’re about to take off. I can’t delay the flight by removing a passenger.”

“Please, you won’t be delaying anyone! He’s not even going to want to stay on—”

“HEY!”

I whipped around to see the desk attendant and two guards staring right at me. Oh wonderful.

“That’s definitely him,” the desk attendant lady muttered. I threw her a glare.

One of the giant guards headed for me and I held out my palms, begging, “Wait, wait, wait.”

“We’re going to need you to come quietly,” the beefy, dark guard said in the most chillingly deep voice.

This man was not to be messed around with. I felt like a tiny mouse next to him. I managed to realize that I was probably in huge trouble. I was about to just give in… give up… take my punishment in stride, but before I could even finish squeaking out an “okay,” some old lady appeared out of nowhere, running as fast as her fragile body could carry her toward us.

“Don’t leave without me!” the old woman yelled in a hoarse voice. She panted as she stopped in front of the attendant and flailed her boarding pass around. “Did I miss the airplane?”

I watched with my jaw dropped as the flight attendant smiled sickeningly sweetly at her and replied, “No, ma’am, right on time actually,” and scanned the lady’s boarding pass. “Enjoy your flight.”

“Thank you, dearie,” the old woman said as her eyes flickered over to my shocked expression. It was painful to watch how slowly she made her way to the doors.

I lost it.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I yelled.

“Sir, calm down. She has her boarding pass.”

The old lady paused halfway to the doors and watched me flip out.

“Bullshit! In the time it’s gonna take her to get on the goddamn plane, I’ll be completely done and out of your hair. One minute is all I ask. It’s not like I’ll plant a fucking bomb in that time or something!”

The flight crew gasped. I felt the air knocked out of my lungs as I was tackled to the ground, getting a face full of shiny tile. I winced and nearly cried out as the ground smacked into the wound in my gut. I felt crushed by a huge weight on top of me. The guard held me down, hands behind my back.

“Someone get a hand-held scanner!”

I was confused for only a moment before I realized why this was happening.

Bomb.

I said bomb at an airport.

My god, Adam… Was I fucking insane?! I blew up any shot I had at getting to Sauli now.

“SAULI!” I screamed, hoping he could hear me.

“Dirt bag, shut up!” The meaty man on top of me drove his elbow into my spine. I cried out and flailed underneath him.

I ignored the fucker and peered up at the doors where the old lady was still standing and watching me nervously. “SAULI, PLEASE!”

An attendant muttered something to the old lady and she threw me one last worried look before disappearing behind the doors.

“Please, let me up!” I begged.

“One more word out of you, and I _swear_ …” The guard shoved my face into the ground on the last word. My nose stung from the impact. “Will someone get the goddamn scanner already?!”

I squirmed underneath the guard for several minutes, refusing to give up. Out of my peripheral, I saw the worst thing imaginable through the window.

The plane was pulling out into the runway.

My heart plummeted into my stomach.

“GET OFF OF ME!” I shrieked.

“I’ve got the scanner!” I heard someone announce as footsteps hurriedly approached.

“Scan me! Fucking scan me right now!” I yelled.

I could finally inhale properly when the crushing weight was gone. I was jerked upright by the same meaty hand gripping my wrist tightly.

“Arms out,” the guy with the metal detector said.

I did as he asked and fought the urge to roll my eyes and spit into their faces. Two guards were looming close by, just waiting for me to explode again. My blood was boiling and I was fuming, but I appeared calm and annoyed on the outside. One guard actually still had my wrist held tight in his sweaty hand. The idiot took his goddamn time raping me with the scanner. The whirring and innocent beeping stayed constant, however.

I looked out the window again and let out an inaudible squeak as I watched Sauli’s plane slowly turn and get into position for take-off. _No, no, NO._

“He’s clean,” the detector guy said. I could feel the disappointment roll off the guards. I was sure they wanted to beat me up. I ripped my wrist out of the guard’s grasp more roughly than strictly necessary as an added _fuck you._

Everything but the plane blurred away. My legs, as if on autopilot, pulled me to the window quickly. Someone else said something, but I wasn’t sure of whom or what. I reached the window and slammed myself against it, staring out wide-eyed. I watched the plane move down the runway.

All breathing ceased. I couldn’t force it out my throat.

I couldn’t do anything now. I could only stand here and observe as my chance sped in the opposite direction. I started shaking as the plane went on full-force, shooting down the runway. My throat was tight enough for me to choke on it. I stared, totally _helpless._

The moment the tires left the ground was the moment my heart shattered.

I watched blankly as the plane took off and started to climb fast. I refused to even blink. I knew this was the last glimpse of _him_ I would ever have again. There were no options left. I was fixated as the plane taunted me, laughing in my face as it flew away. Completely numb, I kept my eyes on the plane for as long as I could, trying to engrave it into my memory as it swooped up high into the clouds.

But then… it was gone.

That’s when it all hit me.

I let out a strangled yell and slammed my fist against the window. My legs wobbled violently and eventually failed to support me. I sank down onto my knees, resting my forehead against the glass. I tried to hold it all in and failed miserably.

I’d been so _close._

All of that for _nothing?_ No… I couldn’t say that. I gained something here…

I felt a hand at my bicep tugging me up. I looked up at the security guard as I submitted and stood up shakily. His hard expression twitched into confusion for a slight moment when he saw how I looked. My skin probably resembled the aftermath of a blizzard.

“We should have you arrested,” the guard spat. “You may have not been a national threat, but you did still pass through security without official authorization. I’m going to have to confiscate that card of yours.”

I didn’t say anything. I just didn’t care. I took out Alex’s card and handed it over to him without a fight. Hey, jail meant that I didn’t have to make money or struggle to get by. They’d take care of me.

“But, this is your one and only warning. Consider yourself lucky. You look like you’re just some stupid kid who has no clue how the system works, no offense.  Step into this airport like that again and we _will_ have you arrested.”

I gaped at him. No jail? Fuck. I was kind of hoping for that.  

“I’m sorry…” I gestured to the window, “I just—”

“I don’t need an explanation. You need to leave, _now_.” What’s with people and interrupting my sentences?

The guard’s grip on my arm tightened as he dragged me through the airport. It was mortifying. _Everyone_ stared at me. The sight of some teenager being escorted out by a guy in uniform would be interesting to any bystander, including me. Whispers floated around my head and gazes kept locking with mine. I had to squeeze my eyes shut and walk blindly with only the guard’s grip guiding me.

I felt a _whoosh_ as I heard a door open and my sweaty, overworked skin was greeted by fresh air. My eyes flew open when I felt the ground disappear from under my feet as the guard literally shoved me out the door. I slammed into the concrete pavement on my hands and knees. Stinging pain jolted through my scraped palms. I angrily whipped my head around to yell at the guard because _what the fuck?_ But he was already gone.                 

I patted myself off as I stood up, wincing as I straightened up. I looked around… What now? I couldn’t go after Sauli. How in the fuck was I supposed to get to Finland? I didn’t have money. I didn’t even have a passport. There was just no way. I felt like throwing up. He slipped right through my fingers again, but this time, he was really gone.

But he—

A loud honk startled me. I looked up in time to see a shiny convertible block my view as Alex pulled up in front of me. I stared blankly at the tires until another two impatient honks jolted me out of my thoughts. Without controlling it, a smile slowly spread across my face as I approached the door. I wrapped my fingers around the handle, took a breath, and then completely relaxed. I flung the door open and hopped into the car. I could feel Alex’s gaze on me as I closed the door and let out a deep, content sigh, still smiling. My eyes were starting to sting. A minute of silence passed. I could tell Alex was waiting for me to say something.

“Adam?” I heard him say.

My head whipped toward him and before he could continue, I blurted, “Thank you.”

The look on Alex’s face was hilarious. He looked so confused and creeped out. He muttered, “Um… what the fuck? What happened? Where’s Sauli?”

I could feel tears started to pour shamelessly down my cheeks, but my smile didn’t fade in the slightest. “He’s gone. The plane left.”

“Are you crazy? Then why the hell are you smiling and crying and thanking me?!” Alex looked baffled and just a bit angry at my reaction.

I shook my head at him and sniffled, beaming just a bit brighter.

“Because…” I said, “He’s _alive_.”

The tears wouldn’t stop, but I didn’t mind. I didn’t even care that Alex was watching. I couldn’t wipe my grin off my face either. My face was starting to hurt.

My love was alive. I could’ve and probably would’ve spent the rest of my life thinking Sauli was dead if it weren’t for Alex. I would’ve had to live with the guilt and pain of it all, trying to force it down my throat and move on from the loss. But now, I knew for sure he was okay. He survived. He was a miracle. It was impossible and unreal, but he was really, truly alive and healthy. And knowing that was more than enough for me to carry on happily.

“You’re really weird, Lambert, you know that?” Alex muttered, still looking confused as he pulled the car out of park.

I laughed once, making a shocked Alex jump in his seat, which only made me crack up again.

“I know,” I said, looking out the window, still smiling. At least the tears finally stopped.

And because of Sauli, I could finally accept it. I was weird. I was strange. I was a complete freak of nature… and that was perfectly fine. I guess I had to learn this the hard way, but at least now I knew it before it was too late. I could embrace who I was. Why lie to people? Why hide? It already felt so much easier to just relax and let go. I felt lighter, giddier.

“By the way, I did get caught.” Alex looked over at me worriedly. “And they took your uncle’s card.”

Alex sighed. “That’s okay, he can deal with that.”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and nestled further into the overly-comfortable seat. Glancing out the dirty window, I noticed we were back on the highway. Of course, the traffic had completely cleared.

Alex asked, “So… what now?”

“Can you take me to school?” I asked after a beat. “I need to try to get them to take me back.”

“Seriously?” Alex’s eyes flickered over at me before refocusing on the road. “Aren’t you going to try to go after him?”

I thought about that for a long moment.

“Never,” was all I replied.

Alex’s eyebrows rose in my peripheral. I turned my head more to get a good look at him. I could see his scar clearly like this. I hated myself for doing that to him now. I needed to learn how to keep this monster inside concealed. This dark side needed to be controlled. I couldn’t hurt any more people. But, Alex looked like he was about to hurt me from that reply.

Before he could assume too much, I said, “You know, they say if you love something, set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t… then it was never yours…”

Alex nodded along slowly as he kept his gaze on the road ahead, obviously having no clue what I was talking about.

It was true though. I didn’t think I would go after Sauli even if I could anyway. These few minutes in this car had made me realize a few things. I had to let Sauli go, but this time, in a completely different way. Sauli finally got another chance at a normal life, and I wasn’t about to go barreling through his new existence with my problems.

Maybe one day, our paths would cross again, though I strongly doubted that. If that happened, I would gladly take my love back with open arms… if he hadn’t already found another person. It was completely up to him, but time was a beautiful thing…

Sure, right now, Sauli was probably heartbroken. He thought I was _dead._ I knew how much it had completely destroyed everything in me when I’d thought he was gone forever. But, Sauli was stronger than I ever was. He could hold on… unlike me, who tried to kill himself. Eventually, Sauli would move on… Time would consume him, memories would fade…

And as much as it hurt and _devastated_ me to think about… he would fall in love again. He would heal and mend. He would forget me in years to come…

I already knew I would never fall in love again. Not like this. This changed every fiber of me. I owed my _life_ and revelations to this man. But Sauli, he owed me nothing. I hadn’t done anything but made his life a living hell. He almost died because of me. By some miracle, his life had been spared during that coma and he got a chance to escape me. I was glad he did.

Because I loved him unconditionally more than my own life, I would let him go. If he ever came back willingly, then I would stay by his side until he didn’t need me anymore. If I never saw him again… well, at least I’d know he’d moved on and was okay. I’d know that he wasn’t rightfully mine to begin with. He deserved more. He deserved better. I accepted that. I just wanted him to be _happy_... with or without me.

“Dude, didn’t you hear me?”

I blinked several times and looked over at Alex. “Huh?” I said.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “We’re here…?” He gestured out the window.

I looked out the glass. Oh. He was right. We were in the school parking lot already? Time passed quickly… Geez, my thoughts were a mess.

Another long silence passed. Neither of us made any move to get out of the car. At least the awkwardness ceased. After a while, I heard Alex sigh.

“Look, man, I’m sorry about Sauli…”

I smiled sadly, staring straight ahead. “No, without you, I would’ve never known… You’ve changed everything now. I mean, knowing he’s okay makes this so much easier for me. I’ll be fine. Thank you… again.”

“Whatever you say...” Alex still looked creeped out. A minute passed and he mumbled, “See you around school then?”

“Hopefully,” I nodded. Hopefully…? What the fuck, Adam? Since when were you two glad to see each other?

“Yeah, okay. I guess this means things go back to normal?” he asked.

I smirked, knowing what he was referring to. “I guess so.”

“Well then, see you later… _faggot,”_ he teased.

His words held no venom. And hey, I owned that term now. I knew our childish fighting was over.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at Alex as I opened the door. “Goodbye, asshole.”

Alex chuckled as I climbed out of the car. I peered in at him as I held the door open. “By the way, I’m still reporting you for kidnapping me.” I slammed the door dramatically to prove my point. I could hear Alex laughing.

I just playfully glared at the car as Alex pulled out. He gave me the finger out his window as he drove away. I shook my head and huffed. When he was finally out of sight, I sighed and turned toward the school, staring determinedly at my future.

The fun and games were over. Now, I meant business. I started walking up the path to the entrance doors. The first step toward a new start was right here…

I wasn’t going to waste what Sauli’d given me for even a second. I was set on making something out of myself.

I could just break down and cry for days over losing Sauli, but I’d already done that and knew it wouldn’t do anything for me. Going into depression wasn’t going to bring him back. I loved him fiercely and always would. I knew my feelings for him would stay the same in years to come. I had to try to deal with that because I knew couldn’t have him. He wasn’t mine to keep.

As long as he wasn’t dead, Sauli would never _really_ leave me. His vitality and life were in every breath I took. The beautiful memories of him would never wash out. He lit up a permanent path for me that still beamed brightly like him. He gave me back my forgotten dreams and awakened me. He showed me that _I_ was my own reason to live, not anyone else. He was engraved into my mind and a true part of me. Something like this couldn’t ever wither away.

Sauli was a free spirit that shouldn’t be caged. He was everything I could’ve ever wanted and more. His smile and glow were my strength. His stubbornness and determination were my courage. He was my guardian angel and my savior. He was my state of bliss and my safe haven. He was my escape when there was none. He was the reason for my newfound happiness.

He was my Nirvana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's cried? I actually did. Funny since I've never teared up at any of these chapters, yet they made people bawl their eyes out (their words, not mine).
> 
> Epilogue, anyone? ONE MORE CHAPTER coming right up.
> 
> Everyone's gonna hate me for this...


	55. Epilogue: Time Would Consume Him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’ll stay tuned for more if you’re not too angry with me. THIS fic may be over, but the story still remains. 
> 
> Okay, this is the epilogue of Nirvana and the first chapter of the sequel (that I haven’t given a name… I have a couple things in mind though) that I will eventually upload. And yep, if you didn’t already know, which you should… there’s going to be a sequel. And I’m so goddamn excited for it. So many things planned. WAY LESS SAD. 
> 
> It’s going to be nice to finally have that green check mark by this story as COMPLETED instead of the red circle thing. :)

Sauli:

Of course, only I was stupid enough to run an errand during rush hour. It was a bright day in Helsinki, which was rare considering the season, and I was stuck inside this pathetic car. It was ridiculous. I hadn’t budged from this spot for ten minutes! Not even a meter! I was getting seriously annoyed now. What in the hell were they doing up front? I felt like just ditching my car in the middle of the highway and walking in between the cars the rest of the way to the market. It’d be a heck of a lot faster too. I would not be surprised if people started doing that soon.

I sighed heavily, getting a headache from the obnoxious honks of fellow drivers. I drummed my fingers on the top of the steering wheel, trying to distract myself from this dilemma and tune out the cars around me. When that didn’t work, I reached over and flipped the radio on. I pursed my lip as I browsed through the stations, attempting to get some kind of traffic report. I ended up settling on some music station. I cranked up whatever song was playing, hoping to drown out the constant honks and shouts from outside.

The song was definitely American. It sort of had some catchy guitar during the verses, I guess. I didn’t pay much attention to it because I didn’t really care. I hadn’t been much of a music person for years. I closed my eyes without worry since it didn’t seem like I was getting further in this traffic any time soon.

Jesus Christ, this song was repetitive toward the end. Over and over just singing, “ _What do you want from me?!”_

I wanted you to shut up. I heard you the first ten times. Who the hell was this guy? This was not helping out my headache.

I was about to turn down the volume a bit, but then the song finally ended. I let out a sigh of relief and sank back into my seat. The host of the station came on.

_“That was ‘Whataya Want From Me,’”_ I never would’ve guessed, “ _by American pop singer, Adam Lambert.”_

My brow furrowed in slight confusion and I felt a dull prang at my heart. How upsetting… this annoying guy had the same name as the Adam I’d once known. I guess it was a common name since it couldn’t have been the same person. My old love killed himself a long time ago. When was that? I thought hard for an endless minute.

Ten years…

Holy… Had it really been that long? My throat slightly twanged with tightness and I blinked away the stinging in my eyes. How could I forget? What the fuck was wrong with me? I’d stopped mourning on his birthday and the anniversary of our first meeting and his… death date years ago. I just thought moving forward was the best was to cope. So long ago… Did they ever find his body…?

Come on, Sauli, stay pissed at the traffic, and don’t depress yourself. If I started thinking about him again, I’d screw myself up and mope for days. Sauli, you’re a grown man with a settled life, so start acting like it. I shook my head quickly and snapped out of it, refocusing on the radio.

“ _Mr. Lambert is currently on tour and will be coming to Helsinki on November sixth. So, if you haven’t already gotten your tickets, stay on the air for a chance to win!”_

I turned off the radio. Yeah, definitely wasn’t going to attend that concert. Like I said, I just wasn’t into music anymore, so what was the point? Plus, if all of his music sounded like that last song… yeah, no…

About two hours later, after scouring the grocery store, standing impatiently in a long check-out line, and then heading back into traffic, I finally arrived back at my apartment, pissed off and tired. With a grocery bag in one hand, I cursed as I struggled to get the key in the lock. I finally heard that sweet click and flung the door open, closing it with my foot as I entered. I chucked the keys into the little bowl by the door.

“Mika?!” I called out as I took off my jacket. “You home? I got your damn milk.” I made my way into the kitchen, holding up the jug of milk as I did so.

I heard clamoring from the next room and then out walked Mika, all apron-clad and tall smiles. His jade eyes glittered when they landed on my face. I just glared at him.

“Hey, baby,” Mika crooned as he pranced up to me and took the jug out my hands. I stared up at him with an exhausted look. “You were gone for such a long time. What happened?”

“Traffic,” I muttered, stretching out and yawning.

Mika cupped my chin in one hand, still holding the jug with the other, and leaned down, taking my lips with his. I relaxed and kissed him back, reaching up stroking his jet-black hair as his hand left my chin and wrapped around my waist.

I pulled away and smiled slightly. Mika giggled for a split second. He pulled the milk jug up level to his face and his brow furrowed as he stared at it. I pursed my lip as I observed his eyes dull down into an annoyed expression while reading the label.

Mika suddenly exhaled sharply. “Ugh, come on, Sauli. Look at this!” He shoved the jug into my chest. I took it from him and gave him a look. “What does that say?”

What the fuck was his problem? I peered down at the label. “Two percent…?” I muttered.

Mika crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at me. “That’s right!” he hissed. “I clearly told you to buy skim milk, Sauli. You _know_ I can’t handle two percent. Take it back!”

I gaped at him. “You can’t be serious.”

“Hell yeah, I am. I request something so simple and like always, you fuck it up!” Mika threw his hands up in the air dramatically. “Can’t you do anything right?”

I slammed the jug onto the counter. “Bullshit! You’re actually arguing with me over _milk?”_

“No!” Mika rolled his eyes. “It’s every single time I ask you to do something, you just don’t even try.”

“I’ve never said no to you! Every time you want something, I go out of my way to get it for you! But your goddamn standards are so high because you’re such a drama queen sometimes! You don’t appreciate shit.”

Mika huffed, “Okay, whatever.” He started to turn away.

Oh no. I wasn’t going to let him just blow off _another_ argument as soon as the tables turned. This crap happened way too often.

I grabbed his wrist and jerked him back until he looked at me. “Do you even care what I had to go through just to get this thing?” I gestured expansively to the milk. “I’d been sitting in rush hour in this fucking weather, bored out of my mind in that piece of shit car, and then when I finally get home, thinking you’ll be happy to see me, what do I get? This fuckery! Just drink the damn milk and stop acting like such an asshole! You’re fucking welcome!”

Mika’s hurt expression made my heart crack a little.

I groaned and turned on my heel, heading for the couch. I plopped down and leaned over, burying my head in my hands. I took deep breaths, trying to calm down. My temper was just out of control lately.

This fighting over the stupidest shit happened often. It was tiresome. I just wished we could be perfect.  

Mika was so wonderful and sweet to me, but there were times when he was controlling and melodramatic. It pissed me off to no end, but I couldn’t bear to leave him, especially since this was _his_ apartment I lived in and I practically lived off of _his_ money. I couldn’t find a goddamn job for the life of me. Yeah, good grades would get you far... Biggest lie ever. I needed Mika to take care of me because I was hopeless and a moocher. At least, he didn’t mind… He was too nice and caring. Great, now I felt like an asshole. He fed me, housed me, bought me gifts, treated me well… for the most part, like any good boyfriend, and yet, I wasn’t even able to get him his fucking milk. Why was I so useless? What happened to me? I used to be so much bubblier and on top of everything, sharp.

I was in my late twenties and would be homeless on my own. How sad. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. I once had such a bright future ahead of me. Fuck me for needing to be so dependent on someone else. I should be grateful that I had Mika. No girlfriend could be like him, not that I’d let any woman try anymore. That ship had sailed long ago.

“Honey?” I heard a tentative voice ask, and I sensed a weight press down beside me on the couch. “I’m sorry…” I felt a hand at my back, rubbing my tense muscles.

I sighed and took my hands off my face. I reached over and gently took Mika’s hand, smoothing circles into the back of it. His fingers curled around my hand and gripped tightly, squeezing once.

I mumbled, “No, don’t even. _I’m_ sorry. If you want, I’ll go back to the store right now…”

Mika’s lips stretched out into that pretty smile I adored so much. His dark hair fell forward as he leaned forward and pressed his soft lips against my cheek. I turned my face to peck his lips, making a _smack_ sound. I pulled away and gazed at his angular face. I guess I did have a type. He was everything I looked for in a partner. Mika was tall and lean, and he had black, elfish hair. His eyes were a jade green, and although I did prefer blue, his were still gorgeous. Other than that, and now that I thought about it, he did _strongly_ resemble—

“Ooh!” Mika exclaimed and shook my shoulders. I stared at him with wide eyes. “I just remembered. Okay, earlier, while you were gone, I was listening to the radio as I was cooking dinner, hence my apron, but then the guy was like _call now!_ And I did! And I won two tickets to go see Adam Lambert!”

Another dull prang at my heart. Had we been listening to the same station? Oh god, not that guy again. Why the hell did he have to have the same name?

“Oh my god, I’m so excited for us to go!” Mika went on like a fan girl. “I saw him on American Idol on satellite and wow, he was like, wow.”

American Idol? Seriously? I never understood the point of that show. So basically, this Adam guy was some nobody that got lucky and was enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame. Okay then.

I never told Mika about _my_ Adam. When we’d first met and told our backstories to each other, I’d just completely left Adam out. I’d told Mika that I just didn’t like San Diego and moved back home. He didn’t need to know… No one else had to know.

“Baby, can you find someone else to take?” I asked quietly.

Mika’s face fell. “What? Why?”

“I just… I really don’t want to go. Not a concert person, you know that.”

I hated seeing Mika so disappointed, but understanding. He was too good to me. “Okay… I guess I’ll take a friend. You’ll be missing out though. Do you want to see a picture of Adam? He’s real cute.”

I bet. I rolled my eyes. “No, I think I’m just gonna go to the store and get you your milk and a little extra something special.” I started to stand up, but Mika pulled me back down.

“You don’t have to do that,” he murmured into my ear, wrapping his arms around me.

I angled my head enough to smile kindly at him. “For you, I want to,” I said before I kissed his nose.

“Thank you, but really, stay home. We can do something else…” he smirked devilishly, pushing me down on the couch and climbing on top of me.

“If you insist…” I laughed.

“You’re beautiful,” Mika gushed, “and adorable…  Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Other than you? Nope,” I lied, “but, come on, there’s no one more gorgeous than you.”

Mika nuzzled into my neck for a moment, humming contently, “I love you.” His voice was muffled by my skin.

I smiled sadly at the words.

“I love you more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the love of this being the finale… one more time:
> 
> COMMENT/KUDOS/TWEET?
> 
> REVIEW! I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THOUGHT OF THIS JOURNEY. 
> 
> See you soon! <3
> 
> *Blows kiss* 
> 
> Farewell, Nirvana. :’)


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